Sharing the Burden
by allie34
Summary: Changing one thing from the beginning of Voyager, changes the relationship between Janeway and Chakotay throughout their journey back home. AU, JC.
1. From bad to worse

_Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and all of its characters.  
_

**Sharing the Burden**

About the story:

I've been playing around for a while with the idea of changing one thing from the beginning of caretaker that ultimately brings Janeway and Chakotay together, and this is my attempt at doing that. I should probably take this time to give warnings that this chapter and subsequent chapters will contain adult topics, and also some bad language, so if you're offended by swearing you have been warned.

To help guide you through this story, I've assumed that most things that happened during the actual episodes would still happen, and occasionally I've written a slightly different version of what happened during, before or after the episode so that it fits better with the alternate universe. This story mainly concentrates on how the Janeway/Chakotay relationship could have been different over the course of their journey through the delta quadrant. The different sections of the story jump to different points in time (in chronological order), often months at a time, so I've written the amount of time from Voyager's entry into the delta quadrant at the top of relevant sections, and where I can I've written the relevant episode title to give you a better idea of what's going on.

Good knowledge of episodes will help, reviewboy and other such sites give detailed reviews of all episodes if you're unfamiliar with, or haven't watched an episode in a long time.

Enjoy.

Chapter 1: From Bad To Worse.

_Eight weeks_

Kathryn sighed tiredly as she picked up yet another report, and sadly realised that she still had another eight to go through before she could go back to her quarters that night. Instinctively she picked up her coffee mug, but as she held it up to her mouth, she caught smell of the pungent liquid, and for some reason it didn't seem as appealing as it normally did, so she placed it back on her desk.

As she started to read through the engineering report, the familiar bleep for the door to her office sounded. "Enter," she called out, barely bothering to look over the edge of the padd as the doors opened to reveal her maquis first officer.

"Lieutenant Kim said that you were doing reports in here," he entered slowly into her office, "night shift is overly quiet so I thought I would come in here and help you out with them."

A ghost of a smile traced her lips and she shook her head, "it's okay, I've only got a few more to go."

He was now standing opposite her desk, "you know it is customary for the captain and first officer to go through ship reports together, after all, we do run this ship together."

She sighed and leant back in her chair. Looking up at him she tried to work out whether she would get the job done quicker without him or if he really would be an asset. She then realised that doing the reports alone for two hours was already starting to drive her mad, another two might just take her over the edge. Deciding that the companionship might be good, and it was after all his idea to help, she nodded, "take a seat," she instructed, then handed him Tuvok's report on ship security, "read, summarise, then we can discuss."

Chakotay smiled as he activated his padd, "you know for a moment there I started to wonder whether or not I was just a token first officer."

"What made you think that?"

He shrugged, "It's a sign of distrust when a captain starts to work independently of her first officer."

She grinned amusedly, "learn that at command school?"

"Admiral Preston, structure and command module one."

"Ah, a Preston student, apparently you're meant to be some of the best," she quipped.

He looked across at her, "you never had him?"

"Professor Thornton actually," she told him who she had taken the module with.

"Ah..." he laughed. Professor Thornton was renowned for losing half of his class within the first few weeks through overloading them with work; those that didn't drop out and didn't keep up were kicked out, and those that kept up to date with the deadlines were faced with even more coursework. "Apparently some of the better," he stated a well known fact within the command circle.

She shrugged off his comment, and not before long the two of them had shifted into a comfortable silence as they read through their padds. After twenty minutes Kathryn put down her padd on her desk, causing Chakotay to look up and across at her. "I've just finished reading Torres' report," she declared.

"And…"

"You forgot to tell me how thorough she was when you recommended her for chief," she shot him a semi-serious glare. "It seems that in the past six weeks not only has she got Voyager's engines and most systems up to the same standard as when Voyager left space dock, but she has also increased warp efficiency by five point three percent, the gel packs by two point seven eight percent, and is starting to show herself as a proficient hologram engineer, fixing more than eight minor malfunctions with the EMH." She leant back in her chair, "and I'm only mentioning a small portion of what she has achieved over the past couple of months we've been out here."

Chakotay smiled, "that's B'Elanna for you."

She picked up another padd, "maybe I should pay more attention to your advice in the future."

"You don't already?" he raised an eyebrow.

Smiling she shrugged, "well, you are just the token maquis first officer."

He took her joke in the right manner and chuckled lightly, returning to the boring Vulcan drool on the padd in hand.

After they had gone through the security report, which took longer than either of them had expected as they discussed many of the security points which Tuvok had raised, they both took a short break and replicated fresh mugs of coffee. It took them another half an hour to finish, and by that time it was almost midnight.

"Enjoy the rest of gamma shift," Kathryn said with a cruel smile, knowing how dire it could be at the best of times.

Chakotay smiled good naturedly, "I will." He stood from his seat opposite, but then wavered for a moment, causing her to look up at him when he didn't leave immediately.

"Yes?" she questioned.

He pulled gently at his earlobe and after a moment's hesitation he decided to go ahead and say it anyway. "I overhead Tom Paris talking to Harry Kim this morning… I'm not sure if what I heard was correct."

"What did you hear?" she looked up questioningly at him.

Again there was a short pause before he answered her. "Paris said that you were pregnant," her first officer shrugged awkwardly, "I'm guessing that somewhere along the line a message has become distorted." He looked across at her, waiting for her to laugh off his suggestion, she didn't. "Are you?"

Slowly she nodded, "I wasn't planning on telling anyone; Paris must have seen my medical files last time he was on duty in sickbay."

There was a short pause, "well I guess I'll be one of the first to congratulate you. You and your fiancé were trying for a baby?"

Kathryn shook her head, "no, but we did intend to have children eventually. As you can imagine this has come as quite a shock."

Chakotay smiled easily across at her, "I can also imagine that the delta quadrant isn't your preferred place to raise a child, especially without your fiancé," he stated. "Let me know if there's anything that I can do to make things any easier for you."

She watched him as he gave her one last short smile, obviously not entirely comfortable with this unexpected situation, and then walked towards the exit. She closed her eyes and sighed inwardly at what she was about to ask, "actually commander," he stopped in his tracks and turned around, "there is something you could do for me."

He nodded, "sure."

"I would prefer it if you didn't tell anyone else about this pregnancy," she instructed.

"That's not a problem," he smiled, "I understand that you need time to come to terms with this before the rest of the crew finds out."

"They're not going to find out," she stated, "I need you to do damage control; tell Paris to keep the information to himself, and to find out who else he has told so that you can tell them that Paris was mistaken."

Chakotay thought about her request for a moment, before noticing one major flaw, that people would start to notice eventually that the captain was pregnant. Then it dawned on him, "you're not keeping this child are you?"

"As you said," her face was completely expressionless, "the delta quadrant isn't the best place to raise a child, and as the captain of this ship, I don't see how it can be done."

Biting his lip to avoid saying what was on his mind, he nodded, "I'll talk to Paris."

Just as he turned to leave she thanked him, but he didn't respond, deciding to leave her office before she asked anything more of him.

-

Chakotay stepped into the busy mess hall for breakfast. The Telaxian cook was busy in the kitchen no doubt cooking up another delta quadrant surprise. It was eight weeks since Neelix had assigned himself as the ship's cook, and although Chakotay and many of his maquis friends were trying to give his cooking the benefit of the doubt, they were starting to veer towards the conclusion that Chell had the upper hand when it came to culinary skills. This was no compliment on the Bolian's cooking, but more an insult to the Telaxian's.

"Hello there Mr commander Chakotay," the first officer was greeted warmly by the chef as he came to the front of the queue.

"Good morning," he yawned having finished serving the remainder of his night shift on the bridge.

A bowl of something that appeared to be a life form in the shape of spaghetti was placed on his tray. "Have you heard the good news?"

Chakotay shook his head, hoping beyond hope that Neelix was going to say that they found a store of croissants in the back of a cargo bay and from now on they would be eating a continental breakfast every morning. "I'm not sure that I have," he responded.

The alien beamed, "captain Janeway is pregnant."

Swinging his head round and looking directly at Neelix he silently preyed that he had misheard.

The Telaxian seemed blissfully ignorant of the sudden change in mood of the man in front of him, and chirped happily to himself as he went on to serve the crewman behind Chakotay, pleased to elaborate on the news the young officer had just overheard.

It only took Chakotay a few moments to locate Tom Paris in the middle of the busy mess hall, sitting with ensign Kim as they chatted amongst themselves. Picking up his tray, he made a beeline for their table, unaware of his maquis friends trying to catch his eye as he went past.

"Lieutenant," he greeted as he put his tray down on the table, and took a seat beside Harry.

"Commander," Paris gave him such a sugary smile that it made him feel slightly nauseous, "I hear you had a rather uneventful night shift."

"What have you been saying about captain Janeway?" He cut in before Tom could say anything else.

The pilot frowned, "about her being pregnant?"

"Yes. How did you find out, and who have you told?" he got right to the point, not wanting to spend too long with a man who had betrayed him and his crew.

Tom paused, confused by what it had to do with his commander. "The Doctor told me yesterday," he explained, "because he wanted me to keep an eye on the captain during bridge duties. I've only told Harry," he shrugged, then seemed to remember something, "and Kes."

"And that's all?"

"Yes. Why?"

Chakotay sighed, and quickly worked it out by himself. The doctor told Tom, who told Kes who told Neelix, who seemed to be telling the entire crew. Noticing that both Tom and Harry were looking expectantly at him he sighed, "it doesn't matter," he rose from the table, "lieutenant, ensign," he nodded goodbye to them both and left the mess hall, forgetting entirely about his breakfast.

-

Kathryn sat down in front of the mirror in her bedroom, and armed with pins she began the battle with her hair. She wondered some days why she didn't just cut it off, it was impractical, difficult to look after, took forever to dry and drove her mad as she struggled to put it up into a more practical style. However whenever she came close to losing it, she always backed out, feeling as if she was about to say goodbye to a long friend; and so it stayed on her head, a constant reminder that she loved to make things difficult for herself.

Putting the last pin in place she looked at her reflection in the mirror, not the same face she had remembered seeing almost twenty years ago when she had first worn a Starfleet uniform, but still vaguely recognisable. Opening up a box she removed her pips and placed them almost ceremoniously on the neck of her uniform. Once done she straightened her jacket and stood from her seat.

Entering into the main living area she noticed her barely touched coffee on the table and a cleared bowl as a pang of hunger had over taken her that morning and caused her to replicate cereal. She guessed it was part of the pregnancy, either that or her eating habits had had a freak rethink without informing her. She cleared the table, and tried to do the same with her mind, trying not to think about if her child would have her blue eyes, or Mark's dark brown. Fortunately she was distracted by someone at her door. "Enter," she called out as she placed the bowl and mug into the replicater.

The maquis captain entered, then she corrected herself as a voice inside her head reminded her that he was now her first officer. "Chakotay," she greeted professionally as he stood awkwardly by her doorway, "come in."

He entered cautiously; this was the first time that he had been to the captain's quarters, and he was trying not to look around; to invade her privacy. However, he couldn't help noticing the very obvious feminine touch that her quarters had to it, the faint smell of perfume, and flowers in a vase on a book shelf, and the pictures of family and friends on the shelf below. He saw a painting hanging on her wall of a farm house, and another abstract one which he couldn't quite work out with just a simple glance.

She sat down comfortably on her sofa and indicated that he should sit with her, "anything I can help you with?" she smiled politely at him.

Pulling at his earlobe in obvious discomfort he crossed the space from the door to an arm chair opposite her and sat himself down. "I spoke to Paris," he broached the topic of their previous discussion late last night.

"Okay…" she waited for him to continue.

"I'm not sure I can do damage control on this I'm afraid," as he said it, he thought he saw her turn a paler shade, but wasn't sure if he had imagined it. "It seems that lieutenant Paris has only told two people, but amongst those two people was Kes, and it would appear that she has told Neelix, and well, but the time that I got to the mess hall, he was telling everyone who came within earshot."

Kathryn looked at him for a moment as she digested his words. Finally she leant back and pinched the bridge of her nose, frustrated that her initial plan was failing. "This is going to be a lot more difficult now that half the crew probably knows."

Her words were mostly to herself than to him so he waited a beat before interrupting her thoughts. "It doesn't have to be." She looked up sharply at him, a glare almost making it to her eyes as she feared he was about to interfere. "Whilst I was in the mess hall I was able to make a quick assessment of the crew's reaction to this news; for the most part they seem happy for you, and those who aren't are most likely indifferent."

"This decision has nothing to do with how I expect the crew would take the news to my pregnancy," she said sharply.

"I know," he said simply, his voice calm and reassuring, "this is to do with balancing your responsibilities to this crew and to a child, you don't think that you can give both the attention that they deserve, so you're choosing one over the other."

She knew she should be annoyed with him for trying to give her advise when she barely knew him, and hadn't asked for any, but for some reason she wasn't. "I chose to destroy that array, I knew that it would strand us here, and I made this crew a promise that I would get them back to their homes and families; I have to choose this crew over everything else."

"What if you didn't have to make a choice?"

Frowning she looked him in the eye, "what do you mean?"

"This crew seemed happy this morning when I was in the mess hall," he stated, "over the past few weeks, as the reality of our situation has slowly dawned on them, the ship morale has been getting lower and lower, but this morning they seemed to forget all about being so far away from home, and they were… excited I guess." He shrugged, "I'm not saying to have this child to improve ship morale, although that is what would happen; but what I am trying to tell you is that this crew will help you, they will do the baby sitting, the caring whilst you're on duty, the schooling, and give the attention that you may not always be able to give."

"Including the maquis crew?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Especially us maquis," he smiled, "you know we do have children on some of our ships and on our stations in the badlands."

Kathryn shook her head, "I'm going to have to give this some more thought."

"If you don't change your mind, we might still be able to tell people that Paris was mistaken, and most of them will probably believe it," he pointed out, "but you will probably have to put up with crewmen congratulating you over the next few days, and we will both have to knowingly lie to a lot of people."

When she didn't say anything else, and he realised that he had nothing left to say, he stood. "I'll be in my quarters if you need me," he informed her.

She nodded vaguely, and absently watched him as he made his way out of her quarters. Once he was gone her gaze drifted out behind her to the stars through her view port. Kathryn considered what he had said, that maybe she could be both a mother and a good captain; she had always hoped that one day she would have a child, and although now wasn't the ideal time or place, she wondered if it ever would be.

On the few occasions that her and Mark had argued it had always been about her resistance to settle down, her unwillingness to put her career to one side and concentrate on her personal life. It had taken Mark over a year to convince her to marry him, and she had only in the end agreed out of fear of losing him. They had been engaged for almost a year and a half before she had stranded Voyager in the delta quadrant and they hadn't set a date for their wedding; she still wasn't convinced that marriage was what she wanted, and he was quite content to wait for her to be ready to fully commit. They had both discussed and decided to start a family together at some point in the future, but that was to be after they were married, and when that happened was anyone's guess. Now it seemed she could have the child, but not the man.

Kathryn could just imagine Mark's response to her pregnancy. He would be stunned at first, then he would look at her for reassurance that she was happy with the news, she could see herself nodding, and his face would break into a delighted smile before taking his arms around her and telling her how much he loved her. They would set a date for the wedding for a few months after the baby was to be born, he would make immediate plans to move in with her, and soon they would be choosing a colour scheme for the nursery. There was no doubt in her mind that she would be keeping the baby if she was back in the alpha quadrant.

She wasn't in the alpha quadrant though; she was in the delta quadrant. She had a ship and a crew that she had to consider before anything else. Becoming a mother was just impractical; she didn't see how it could be done. Then her mind wondered back to Mark, to his child that was inside of her… she saw herself holding their baby in her arms for the first time, watching the child grow and learn, reading bedtime stories and playing games… she considered what Chakotay had said, about the crew helping to raise the child when she might not have the time or energy and for a long moment she thought it might just be possible to be both a mother and captain.

/\

_Twelve weeks_

It was a very strange dream that Chakotay awoke with: Cardassians dressed up in Starfleet uniforms chasing him around Voyager were the only details he was able to hang on to as he slipped back into the waking world. He glanced across at the chronometer, for a moment worrying that he had slept through his alarm, he hadn't; it was o-six hundred hours so he still had another hour before he had to get up.

He started as an arm snaked across his side, and a hand rested on his chest, lips were brushed lightly across his shoulder blade shortly accompanied by a sleepy grumble. He remembered his evening dinner with Seska in his quarters and turned to see her lying beside him, still mostly asleep. He sighed inwardly, kicking himself for not knowing better than to take the offered third glass of wine; two was his limit with her, and this is what happened every time he went over.

She seemed out of tune with his feelings of regret as she pulled herself awake and looked up at him with a lazy smile, "sleep well?" she asked as she snuggled against him.

For no other reason than out of politeness he allowed her to rest against his chest, but he didn't return her affectionate gestures as he knew the moment they got up he would have to explain to her that what had happened could not happen again.

"Dream about me?" she looked up at him.

"Maybe, I can't remember," he lied.

She let out a delighted sigh, "I'm still trying to separate my dream of you and the real you," she laughed as she started to place open kisses up his chest, she reached his mouth and kissed him deeply.

"Seska," he placed a hand on her arm to prevent any further advances, she looked up at him surprised as he shook his head, "we can't do this, we shouldn't have done this."

"What do you mean?" She sat up as did he.

"Last night was a mistake, please don't pretend that you think otherwise," he tried to avoid looking at her.

If he had have looked round, he would have seen her aghast expression, "you're not captain anymore Chakotay," she stated, "we can be together now."

"That doesn't change anything," he braved meeting her eyes, "we can't be together."

"Why not?" she pleaded, still managing to control the anger bubbling inside, "I know that you love me, and you know that I love you."

"It's not enough Seska," he insisted. "Our relationship is disruptive, not only to each other but to the people around us. You bring out the worst in me Seska, you make me feel so happy, and at other times you just make me so angry, and I can't deal with that; especially not now when I have so many more responsibilities, dealing with my emotions for you can't be distracting me from my new duties."

He looked away, and thought she might slap him, but she didn't even raise her hand, deciding instead to climb angrily out of his bed and stomp around his room as she put her clothes back on. He waited patiently, sitting on the edge of his bed as he watched her dress. Wearing most of her uniform she stood by his bedroom door and scowled at him, "you're eventually going to see that on this ship their aren't many women, and more importantly fewer women, if any, who would be willing to put up with a man like you. I hope for your sake that you realise this before I move on."

Hearing her move around his quarters for a few minutes longer, he eventually heard the doors open and then close as she left. Closing his eyes he let out a long breath, sagged his shoulders and dropped back against his bed, hoping to get another hours sleep before he had to get up.

-

Kathryn gave the EMH an annoyed look, as she attempted to explain again, "I must be at least sixteen weeks pregnant," she argued, sadly the last time she had been with Mark, and probably would not be with again for a much longer period of time.

"My records of foetal growth over the past four weeks that I have known of your pregnancy clearly indicate exactly twelve weeks gestation," he stated, "now if you told me that you could possibly be thirteen weeks along perhaps even fourteen, then that I could just about accept. But sixteen weeks at least…" he shook his head, "no, that's too long."

They were in a deserted sick bay, with her sitting on a bio bed and the doctor standing looking down at his sensor readings. They had been at the same argument for nearing four minutes, and neither showed any sign of giving in. "Then maybe there's something wrong with your programming," she suggested, normally restraining from such personal comments, but she gave herself the excuse that it was just her hormones getting the better of her.

"Maybe there is," he admitted, "maybe we should ask B'Elanna to get down here right now and settle this argument for us."

She glared at him, "I don't think we need to bring in a third party to decide over the exact date of the conception of my child."

Sighing he took a step back from his readings and shrugged, "all I can say with certainty, is that you conceived about twelve weeks ago, give or take a couple of weeks if you must… but are you sure that you didn't copulate with anyone about the time the caretaker brought us into the delta quadrant."

"Yes!" Voyager's captain exclaimed exasperatedly as such things were furthest from her mind during the entire incident.

"Then maybe you should consider something else…" he said slowly and almost calmly.

"Such as?" she rolled her eyes thinking that maybe it would be worth calling B'Elanna or Kim in to check over the hologram's schematics.

"Maybe Mark Johnson is not the father. Maybe you conceived aboard the caretaker."

It was a long moment that she looked at him in disbelief before she responded; "you cannot be serious."

"Think about it," he started as if delving into something wondrous and exciting, "the caretaker was experimenting to produce his own offspring but your child is completely human, so what if during his genetic experiments he impregnated you with someone else's DNA, either by accident or for some other unknown reason."

"So the father is someone on this crew?" she looked at him dubiously.

He shrugged, "maybe, or maybe someone from another crew he pulled in from somewhere else in the alpha quadrant. I could always run some tests for you," he suggested.

Kathryn held up a hand to stop him, "I don't want to know."

"You don't?" he was genuinely surprised.

She stood from the bio bed, "I have work to do." Kathryn looked sharply across at the EMH, "I don't want you talking about this to anyone else, is that understood?"

The EMH opened his mouth to say something, but then again noticed her glare and he thought better of it, slowly he nodded to indicate that for now he would drop the topic, but she didn't seem relieved as thought she might be. Without another word to him she jumped of the bio bed, and with a final glance she hurriedly left before he could deliver her any more bad news.

As she made her way back to her quarters she felt herself fortunate not to have run into any crewmen, as a polite smile or greeting was the last thing that she wanted. Eventually she found herself in the solitude of her quarters, and leant back against the wall as the Doctor's words slowly started to sink in; that maybe Mark wasn't the father. She sank to the ground, wishing at that moment that she hadn't decided to go through with the pregnancy; but then as she thought about it, her decision four weeks before had already been made for her once the entire crew had found out about her predicament.

Silent tears ran down her face. She refused to accept for a moment that Mark wasn't the father; she had just been starting to come round to the idea of having his child, of having her own piece of him out in the unknowns of the delta quadrant with her. Now the only good thing about her pregnancy was being taken out from under her, and then where would that leave her?

Sighing, she realised how silly she must look, crying on the floor of her dark quarters. So she wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand and stood up, deciding that the best thing to do for the moment would be to assume that there was something wrong with the hologram's programming, and that Mark was in actual fact the father of her baby. She would get ensign Kim to check the doctor's programming in the morning, and just hope that he did find something wrong."

_To be continued._


	2. An exact match

_Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and all of its characters._

Chapter 2: An exact match

_Twelve weeks and one day_

Tuvok held a padd in his hand and monotonically he read through the list of breaches of protocol he had witnessed the crew making over the past seven days. Just when Kathryn had assumed he had come to the end of the list, he would scroll down and read out another section. The next time he paused to scroll down she held up her hand to stop him, and he looked up at her with a questioning expression.

"How many more pages are there?" she asked.

"Fourteen," he replied evenly.

"And are there any breaches of protocol on there that could be deemed serious?"

He raised an eyebrow, "I do feel that you should be aware of all of them," when she rolled her eyes he added, "but I could just summarise at this point if you would prefer…"

"Thank you," she said gratefully from across her desk.

"This crew is sloppy," he stated, "and unfortunately the incidents are not isolated among the maquis, but many are connected with members of our own crew."

"Our own crew?" she looked at him disapprovingly, "the maquis are part of this crew now."

"The original Voyager crew," he amended without missing a beat, "I'm not sure if direct discipline is going to solve this."

She sat back in her chair, "I have to agree with you on that point, but…" she trailed off when she heard someone at the door, "enter."

Harry Kim stood at the entrance of her office, unsure whether or not the report she had requested was urgent enough to warrant him interrupting her meeting with lieutenant Tuvok. "I have the EMH diagnostic report," he explained.

Kathryn smiled at the young ensign and indicated that he should enter. "Thank you," she said as he handed her the padd, and when he stood there for a moment longer than was necessary she looked up, "that will be all."

He nodded, his hair bobbing ever so slightly as he did so, and then with an acknowledging nod to Tuvok he exited the captain's office.

Not being able to help herself she glanced down at the first few lines of the padd, but instantly it grabbed her entire attention, and she seemed to forget about Tuvok completely. A slight movement from the man opposite her caused her to look away from the padd, and suddenly she remembered herself. "Sorry Tuvok, whereabouts were we?"

"We were discussing how to deal with the crew's breaches of protocol," he reminded her, noticing again that her eyes were drifting to the padd in front of her. "Is there something the matter?"

With force she looked back across at one of her oldest friends, "it's nothing," she said, a little too quickly to be convincing.

He put down his report on her desk, "I think we have exhausted the topic of protocols for now. I will make a list of possible ways to combat our problem and give it to you tomorrow morning."

Kathryn smiled thankfully, "that would be great," she admitted.

Although it was the Vulcan's cue to get up and leave, he stayed seated where he was. When she finally realised that he wasn't moving she shot him a puzzled expression. "I was wondering if you wanted to talk," he explained.

She shook her head, an expected reaction from someone who had known her so long, "I can't think about anything else we need to cover before the staff briefing tomorrow."

"I've noticed you have been distracted all of today," he explained, "through experience I know you are often able to focus better when you have 'bounced' your thoughts off others."

It was just like him to be so perceptive, and she knew that now he had sat down in her office and suggested a conversation he was unlikely to move. Unable to carry on the pretence that everything was fine she sank back in her chair and sighed, he watched her patiently and silently until she finally admitted what had been occupying her mind the past twenty four hours. "Mark isn't the father of my child."

There seemed an uncertain pause before the Vulcan responded, "so who is the father?"

"I'm not sure," she shook her head, "the doctor thinks that I must have conceived aboard the caretaker."

"The child is not human?"

She laughed ironically at that, "no, it is. Another of the doctor's theories is that the caretaker took the DNA from one of the other humans he pulled into the delta quadrant, and impregnated me."

"Does he have a theory as to why?"

Kathryn shrugged, "probably some sick cosmic joke."

He ignored her pessimism, "I'm assuming this is in some way connected with why you asked ensign Kim to run a diagnostic on the EMH."

"I thought maybe there was something wrong with his programming."

"And is there?"

"No."

Again there was a long pause, before Tuvok asked: "and what do you plan to do now?"

She let out a long breath, "what can I do? Either go through with this pregnancy knowing or not knowing who the father is, or feign a miscarriage."

"What do you want to do?" he asked patiently.

"I don't think that I can have this child. I had enough time accepting it when I thought Mark was the father, and it was my own doing that had resulted in my pregnancy… but to find out that I probably don't even know the father, and that I had no willing part in creating this life; there's no reason for me to have this child, and plenty of reasons not to."

"And your reasons against?"

Kathryn paused, "apart from the fact that I don't know who the father is and this pregnancy was forced unwillingly upon me; I have a ship and a crew that depend on me, and the delta quadrant is too dangerous to raise a child," she said reasonably.

He considered what she had said, "I think you are overlooking a major positive," he said at last, "there is a chance that the father could be aboard this ship, and maybe he would be willing to share the responsibilities of this child with you. As for the delta quadrant being a dangerous place… I must agree with you on that point. But your reasoning for this ship and crew is over exaggerated, as you have both myself and commander Chakotay to aid you with that, and we would both be willing to take on more responsibility to ease your workload."

Slowly she closed her eyes before opening them back up to look at him, "and your recommendation is?"

"Do you wish to be a mother?"

She looked at him for a moment, "I guess I've always thought I would be one day…"

"Then does it really matter who the father is?"

She nodded, knowing that he was right in his own logical way, "thank you," she looked him in the eye.

He realised that he had said all he could say to her at that moment in time and so he stood from his seat and bid her goodbye. She sat in her office for a long time after that before she re-emerged onto the bridge to finish the remainder of her shift.

/\

_Twenty weeks_

A distant part of Chakotay's mind could hear his combadge, could hear someone speaking through the small device, but chose to ignore it at first. Then when it interrupted his thoughts for a second time, he left his spirit guide to enjoy the rest of her nap in the sun and opened his eyes. "Chakotay here," he said as he picked up his combadge and activated it in his palm.

"Commander, could you please report to sickbay," the doctor requested, although politely the urgency in his voice did not go unmissed.

"I'll be right there," he said, ending the communication and standing from the floor. As the doctor hadn't said specifically that it was an emergency, he packed up his medicine bundle and put it in a draw, he then proceeded to pull his jacket back on and fix his combadge to his uniform as he left through the door of his quarters.

Arriving at sickbay two minutes later he was surprised to see the place almost deserted, except for the doctor who stood by a bio bed, and as he entered further into the space, he realised that it was his captain who was lying down unconscious on it. "What happened?" he asked, somewhat surprised at the sudden concern he felt towards someone who just more than five months ago had been his enemy.

"She collapsed in engineering," he explained as he administered medication into her neck, "she is miscarrying the baby."

"Spirits," he let out a long breath, "you can do something though, right?"

The doctor nodded, "four weeks ago I discussed a problem concerning the foetus with the Captain, and explained to her that this might happen."

"Is there a treatment?" he asked worriedly.

"Of course, it was discovered centuries ago," the hologram finished rushing around and stopped to look up at his CO, "the captain's foetus contains a faulty gene within its genome, this particular fault results in a miscarriage five out of six times, however, with gene therapy the problem can be rectified."

"Can you do that?"

The hologram nodded, "yes, however in this circumstance it will require a sample of the father's DNA."

"Oh right," he nodded solemnly, thinking that he understood, "but isn't there someone on this ship who's a close enough match."

"Actually there is," the doctor smiled at him, "that's why I've asked you here."

"I'm a close match?" he stared in disbelief.

With a nod of affirmation the doctor continued, "when I informed the captain about her child's condition, she said that she would rather take the risk than involve you, but currently she is unconscious, and as waking her up may cause the foetus further distress at this time, I must act on the best behalf of both mother and child."

Chakotay frowned, "why wouldn't the captain want to involve me?"

"Because you're not just a close match commander; you're an exact match." With that the doctor headed into his office, leaving the commander to stand there for a moment or two as the words sank in. Finally, Chakotay realised that he was more confused than anything, and turned to follow the doctor into the medical office.

"How can I be an exact match?" he questioned as he entered into the office.

The EMH turned on his console and started to search for something, "it seems that whilst you and the captain were aboard the caretaker she became impregnated with your DNA."

"Come again?"

He started to download something to a padd, "of course when she found out that her fiancé wasn't the father and you were, I did try to persuade her to inform you, but she insisted that you didn't need to know."

"How long have you known?"

"About two months," the doctor handed him the padd, "I will need you to place your thumb print on there if you agree to give a sample of your DNA, it will need to be extracted directly from your spinal cord, the risks are almost non existent, but one in a million are paralysed."

"Why didn't she tell me?" he held the padd loosely in his hand.

"I think she thought it was for the best; I'm not entirely sure, you'll have to ask her when I wake her."

Slowly he looked down at the padd in front of him, "I'm guessing I don't have much time to think about this."

"I could give you twenty minutes," was the reply.

Chakotay let out a long breath, four weeks ago Seska had defected to join the Kazon, two weeks ago he had been unconscious and disembodied for a number of days, and now he was being told that he was going to be the father to his captain's child; this was not turning out to be his month. "I don't have much of a choice do I," he stated as he placed his thumb print to give his consent, and then handed the padd back over to the doctor.

"You don't have to do this."

He considered the only medical officer's words, and although he was angry at his captain for having kept him in the dark, he wasn't a spiteful man. "It's okay," he replied. "Now what is it you have to do again?"

_-  
_

_20 weeks and 2 days_

It was a couple of days since he had been called into sick bay to be told that he was four months away from being a father. He hadn't seen the Captain since the doctor had neutralised the sedative, as she had been recuperating in her quarters. But he guessed that was a good thing, he needed to think things through before he saw her; he didn't want to say anything that he might regret.

The past few months, he and Kathryn had started to build on a basic friendship; one that would allow them to work together in harmony to show a united front for the crew. At first it had been force of will to come together and make decisions, to pretend that they agreed during briefings and to then politely disagree when they were alone. At first that was difficult, she infuriated him, with her rigid Starfleet ways and unwillingness to compromise, and he had felt like he was fighting a losing battle as he attempted to show her that there were many good officers among his maquis crew.

After the initial couple of months they started to work a little more harmoniously, and started to develop a respect for one another, their opinions and ideas. They had even started to become friends, and however much he wished that none of the accomplishments they had both made with their development of a decent command team would be lost, he got the feeling that the next time they both spoke they just might do that.

Almost on cue the bleep went at his door, and he looked up from the screen in front of him to see her standing in the doorway to his office, the bulge of her belly now very obvious at five months. "Do you mind if I come in?" she asked.

He waved her over to a seat opposite him, and pulled down the screen of his computer so that he wouldn't be distracted for this conversation.

"I wanted to thank you for what you did the other day," she said once she had sat down, absently placing a hand on her swollen abdomen.

"You don't need to thank me," he responded.

"I do need to apologise," she pointed out.

"What for?" he gave her an innocent look, but narrowed his eyes ever so slightly at her.

"The doctor told me that you knew," she sighed, "I'm sorry you had to find out that way."

"Was there another way that I was going to find out?" he asked sharply.

She hesitated, "to be honest I was hoping that you wouldn't have to know."

"So you were just going to allow me to see you raise this child without telling me that I am the father?" He couldn't hide the anger from his voice, "even if it meant endangering the life of my child?"

"This isn't your child," she cut in swiftly.

Chakotay looked at her incredulously, "I beg your pardon?"

"I can't have you involved in raising this child and this ship cannot find out that you're the father."

"Why not?" he thought he was angry at her before, but that was nothing in comparison to how he felt now.

"Because I barely know you and it's difficult enough with our two crews in constant conflict, imagine how they're going to react if they find out that their commanding officers are having a baby together."

"You're actually serious about this aren't you?" he looked at her in disbelief.

She bit her lip and took some calming breaths. Since the doctor had informed her that Chakotay had been told of his impending fatherhood, she had been thinking about how this conversation would go. She had imagined that he would be angry with her for not having told him, but somehow she had convinced herself that he would see the logic of her argument straight away and they could go back to how things were before. "I can't see any other way of doing this and preventing a mutiny; the maquis have to feel that you are on their side and in no way biased towards my decisions, and the Starfleet officers would probably assume that you raped me if they found out I was pregnant with your child."

"I can't believe you think I would be capable of such a thing!" he suddenly got up out of his chair, and put some distance between himself and his captain, this was not how he had expected this conversation to go. He had expected her to apologise, for him to accept her apology, and for them to work out how they were going to share custody of their baby and still continue their roles as commanding officers.

"I don't," she insisted, "but there are people on this crew who don't know you; only last month Tuvok approved all of your security access as first officer."

Chakotay had started to pace, but looked round in surprise, "I didn't realise that I was restricted."

"You would have if you had have attempted to overload the warp core," she said dryly as she remained seated.

Looking back round he kept his back to her as he tried to calm himself down, he knew she was right, but he didn't like the idea of not being able to share the news with his friends that he was going to be a father, of allowing his child to call him 'daddy', and to take on a role as a father. "Okay," he said at last, unable to think of counterarguments, "but I'm not happy about this."

Kathryn was somewhat surprised at his sudden turn around, she had started to think that this argument could elevate and go on for at least an hour, although she wasn't so surprised that she wasn't able to stand from her seat with the intention of leaving. "Thank you," she tried to catch his eye, but he was avoiding looking at her directly as he headed back over to his desk.

"You're back on duty tomorrow?" was all he asked.

"Yes."

"I'll see you then," he replied, and pulled up his console to continue with his work.

She realised that was the end of their conversation, and confident that what they knew would stay between themselves, Tuvok and the doctor, she left his office without saying anything further on the matter.

The moment she was gone Chakotay leant back in his chair, taking his eyes from the blank screen and closing them. He considered spending time with his spirit guide after his shift, but decided stealing someone's holodeck time and going on a boxing simulation would be much more therapeutic.

/\

_7 months and 2 weeks_

Kathryn stared out of her view port as natural sunlight streamed through it for the first time in the life of the ship. She had taken a walk outside of the ship earlier that day and junior had obviously enjoyed the fresh air as much as she had as the baby had been actively moving around inside of her ever since. She placed her hand on her belly and glided her fingers absently over the side of her swell, quietly delighted as the baby as usual joined in the game and kicked back. The game was interrupted at the bleep from the door.

"Come in," she called out not taking her eyes from the view port.

"It's almost seventeen hundred hours." She turned to see Chakotay enter into her waiting room.

She gave him a small smile, "we'll be fashionably late," he told him.

He nodded with a smile of his own, then proceeded to sit down beside her at a respectful distance. "I wish you'd change your mind," he pleaded.

"We shouldn't delay our journey any longer than we have to," she gave him the same answer she had before.

"Just two or three months," he attempted one last time, "you could have the baby planet side, have some time to adjust, and then we'd be off before the Kazon even knew we'd stopped."

She shook her head, "it's too long," then with an almost wicked smile she added, "besides, if I stayed here for long enough, I might not want to leave, and then you'd have to get this ship home by yourself."

He shrugged and gave her a wink, "who says I'd stay on Voyager?"

Grinning she shook her head, "are you telling me that I'm going to be saying goodbye to you when we go to the cargo bay in ten minutes?"

Chakotay gave her a deep look, "I'm saying that I'd go where ever you and my baby went."

All humour drained from the captain's face, and suddenly the light moment was heavy and strained; they didn't talk about that.

"I'm sorry," he apologised, realising his error in airing the words, "I," he stammered, "I guess I'll meet you in the cargo bay."

As he started to rise to leave she stopped him, "it's okay," she waved him to sit back down, and he did. "I think we need to talk about this."

He looked at her for a moment, trying to think of a way out of this conversation, knowing from previous experience of the last two and a half months that allowing her to hear him refer to the baby as his often resulted in an icy look or a chilling silence before she asked him to leave. He didn't dare to think about how this conversation was going to go. "Okay," was all he said, resigned to follow this confrontation where ever it led.

"I need to know you're going to be okay when this baby arrives," she started.

He nodded, "I intend to be the perfect first officer," then elaborated, "I'll wait several hours after you give birth before I visit; I will speak to you first, then see the baby, telling you how beautiful your child is. I'll go to the bridge and give them a report on you and junior. I won't offer to baby sit as I will be too busy doing both our duties. I will smile politely and keep a reasonable distance from you when we celebrate the birth in the mess hall. I will be so impartial no one will even suspect me as the father."

She looked at him; he had obviously given this a lot of thought, probably more than she had. Although she approved of everything that he had planned to do, she couldn't help her heart sink at his words knowing that the entire situation was wrong; seeing how excited he was at the thought of becoming a father, even if it was from a great distance, it was almost heartbreaking to see him cover it up, and pretend like it didn't mean anything to him. Before she even knew what she was doing she had reached for his hand and taking it in her own hands placed it on her belly.

The shock at her action lasted on his face up until the moment he felt the movement beneath his hand, at which point he shuffled himself closer to her so that he had to put his arm round the back of the couch to avoid their shoulders clashing. Her hand was still covering his, and she moved his hand slightly more to her side, "tap your fingers," she instructed when nothing happened. Chakotay did as instructed and felt a much more distinct response to his action. "Those are the feet," she explained.

He looked at her in amazement, "how can you tell?"

"I see them in the bath," she explained, "they're either feet or tentacles, and the doctor has assured me there's no DNA from the caretaker present, so I'm guessing they're feet."

"Can you see the hands?" he asked, trying to restrain his excitement at having felt his child move.

She shrugged, "no, but I can see the bum."

"Whereabouts?"

"Near to the top," she removed her hand from covering his, suddenly aware of how close he was to her, how the side of his thumb was against her back and his arm was slung behind her, she could now feel his breath against her temple, and the feel of his hand on her belly as they shared an intimate moment she hadn't with anyone else. He seemed oblivious to her new awareness, and moved his hand to the top of her swollen abdomen in an attempt to locate the bum. "You won't be able to make it out through my uniform," she told him.

At her words he rested his hand where it lay, now sharing her awareness as the indication that she had no intention of removing her jacket called him back to reality and reminded him of the barriers to their relationship; she was captain, and he was first officer. He could smell the soap of her skin, the shampoo in her hair, the feel of her knee lightly brushing against his, he was also made aware of the fact that he was almost embracing her on her couch, and the thought that he didn't care surprised him. He wasn't sure if it was the fact that he hadn't been with anyone but Seska in a long time, or the fact that she was mother to his child, but the proximity to her was suddenly intoxicating, and he had trouble quelling the thoughts that came to his mind, having to remind himself who she was, and that placing his lips to her neck would be wrong.

He didn't have to suppress such thoughts for much longer as she pulled away and stood from the couch, obviously now uncomfortable with the closeness and trying to put some distance between them. As if to remind him of the only reason she had allowed him to get so close to her, she placed her hand over her belly, "I think we should go to the cargo bay now," she suggested, "see if any of our crew plan to join the 37's on this planet."

Chakotay nodded, standing also, "I suppose it's too much to wish for the entire supply of Leola root to be there waiting for us to say goodbye?"

She laughed, and the tense moment was broken, "maybe," she replied, "but there's always a chance…"

_To be continued._


	3. The perfect first officer

_Disclaimer: Paramount owns all except our imaginations._

Chapter 3: The perfect first officer.

_Nine months_

Nine months. Chakotay had tapped his fingers impatiently on his arm rest. Four hours. The doctor had sent an update on the captain's condition to the bridge. An hour later. A baby boy. The bridge crew had erupted into cheers at the announcement of Voyager's newest crewmember.

A ship wide announcement was delivered professionally by the ship's first officer; the winner of the baby pool was announced by Tom Paris in the mess later that night. As the replicater rations were divided between Chell and Harry Kim who had correctly guessed the baby's late arrival, Chakotay entered into a darkened sickbay, surprised to see that the doctor and Kes weren't still there. He guessed Kes had probably gone back to her quarters to rest after a long and busy day, and the doctor had deactivated himself whilst neither of his patients needed him.

Chakotay approached the bio bed where Kathryn rested, obviously exhausted from childbirth. He looked past her, and over to the incubator, and unable to help himself, walked up to peer over the top. His son lay on his back, with one of his tiny arms up to the side of his head, the other hidden beneath the blanket. His head was covered with black fluff that stuck up perpendicular to his scalp. The newly made father was surprised by movement as the tiny baby moved his lips and wrinkled his forehead before opening his eyes slightly to look up at his father, although unable to focus, probably aware that there was someone standing there.

He reached down into the incubator and touched his son's head, stroking his thumb gently over his soft hair until he closed his eyes again and drifted back off to sleep. "Hello there," he greeted in a whisper, "I'm your daddy."

Kathryn woke slowly, but didn't remember straight away where she was, then it came back to her, and she smiled to herself, turning her head in the direction of where her son lay. She was surprised to look across and see the back of a red uniform, but then she recognised the man as Chakotay, and her surprise was subdued. She was still sleepy, and so just watched him for a short while as he stood there and watched their son, only disappointed that she couldn't see his face. "You can pick him up if you want," she said when she realised the tentative touches were probably partially to do with his uncertainty over what he could and could not do.

Shocked he turned around, wondering how long she had been awake, not sure if she was angry or not at his presence there. Her smile disarmed his worry, and he mirrored it with a goofy grin of his own. "You have a beautiful son," he stated, remembering the plan.

In that moment Kathryn didn't care about the plan, or the crew, or protocol, and so she held out her hand to him. He hesitated, but eventually reached out and took her smaller hand in his, meeting her eyes as they shared a delighted smile. "We do have a beautiful son," she amended.

He nodded; he knew this wasn't any sign that she had changed her mind, he knew it was just her being overcome by the emotions of becoming a mother; the joy of having created a life, and he knew that she just wanted to share it with the one person who could truly appreciate such emotions: him. She squeezed his hand, and he absently rubbed his thumb over the back of her fingers; this was the closest they had been since she had allowed him to feel her belly one and a half moths previously, and it felt natural.

Releasing her hand, he turned back to the incubator, wondering whether or not he trusted himself to hold something so small and fragile. Eventually the desire to hold his son overcame his fear and he reached into the incubator, and remembering the books he had recently been reading, didn't forget to support the head both on lifting and resting in his arm. He stared down into his arms as they became accustomed to the weight, then his attention was drawn back to Kathryn.

"I'm going to call him Noah," she told him, then worried as he looked away from her and down at his son in his arms, "unless you have any major objections."

He shrugged, "it's not my decision, but no, I don't have any objections," he gave her a small smile, "I'm guessing he's going to have your surname?"

"Noah Mark Janeway," she confirmed.

He looked up sharply, "Mark? That's the name of your fiancé?"

"Yes," she said slowly.

"Do you think he will mind you giving his name to another man's child?"

Kathryn shrugged, "I do hope to get back to my fiancé before he gives me up for dead, and I'm not certain whether or not he will be able to accept Noah as his child, but Mark and I were good friends before we were anything more, I know he would be honoured for me to use his name even if our engagement falls apart because of Noah."

Chakotay pursed his lips, but decided not to say anything; she had made it perfectly clear that she didn't want him involved with her child.

"Do you have another suggestion for a middle name?" she enquired, realising his unnatural quiet was probably due to his uncertainty over if he should voice his opinion.

He shrugged, "I guess I always thought I would give my first born son my father's name," he smiled awkwardly, "I didn't really give much thought to what my child's mother would say. I guess there's always my second born son."

"What's your father's name?"

"His name was Kolopak," he answered.

"Kolopak," she repeated, "it's a nice name." She looked up at him until she had caught his eye, "if I gave him that name the crew would guess within five seconds that you're the father."

"I know," he agreed, wishing not for the first time that it didn't have to be that way.

"But how about I don't give him a middle name," she suggested, "we could just leave it blank until a time when this crew is stable enough to know that you're Noah's father, and then we could give him Kolopak's name officially?"

He studied her for a short time before he finally gave a nod of agreement, "thank you," he answered.

They exchanged small talk for a while longer before Kathryn finally started to feel sleepy. Deciding that he had spent more than enough time in sick bay, Chakotay lay Noah back in the incubator, careful to tuck him back beneath his blankets. Ignoring his thoughts over what was and what was not appropriate for a captain and first officer to do, he approached the mother of his child as she lay on the bio bed fighting to stay awake and leaning over placed a kiss on her cheek. "Thank you for giving me my son," he smiled as he pulled back and watched her confused expression soften into a smile. For an instant he was able to forget that he would never father her child beyond the biological sense, that she was nothing more than his superior officer and that they were stranded in the middle of the delta quadrant, but then the moment was gone, and both remembering themselves he made his excuse to leave and she fell asleep not long after the sick bay doors had closed behind him.

/\

_Eleven months- Persistence of vision_

It wasn't the fact that he had had sex with his captain that caused Chakotay to sit alone with his thoughts in the mess, it was why it had been her and not any other woman on board the ship which confused him. The obvious answer was because she was the mother of his child, and in an ideal situation he would be in a committed, loving and obviously intimate relationship with the mother of his child, and so that was what he had wanted, and so that should have been what happened.

However, the sex with Kathryn hadn't been loving and caring, it had been lustful and self satisfying. It had also been quite brutal, against the walls of the turbo lift, in the middle of a corridor, on her desk, and for some reason on Tuvok's console. He couldn't deny that he was attracted to her, or that he hadn't considered what it might be like, but out of respect for her, he had never allowed himself to delve too deeply into such thoughts, and so why it had been her was still somewhat of a mystery.

Most other people had experienced visions of returning home, of seeing old friends and family again; it would have to be him who fanaticised about fucking his captain in inappropriate places.

His thought process was abruptly interrupted as B'Elanna Torres sat down opposite him, "a penny for your thoughts," she said as she placed her tray on the table.

"Just thinking about my hallucination," he offered.

She let out a grunt, "that's all anyone seems to be able to talk about these past few days," her annoyance was evident in her voice.

"I'm guessing yours wasn't that great then?"

B'Elanna decided it was best not to tell him she had hallucinated about making love to him, and that it wasn't the first time she had thought about it either. "No," was all she gave him, "yours?"

"It was…" he paused, he couldn't exactly say it was bad, he had quite enjoyed the sensation of Kathryn's smooth skin against his, the feel of her breath against his neck, the smell… he stopped himself before he lost himself in his thoughts again. "It was not what I expected," he admitted.

"How about we don't talk about it," she suggested.

He smiled, "sounds like a good idea to me."

/\

_12 months and two weeks- Manoeuvres_

Chakotay accepted the coffee cup that he was offered as Kathryn sat down beside him on the couch in her waiting room. It had been a couple of days since Voyager had rescued Chakotay from the Kazon ship he had been held prisoner aboard, and this was the first time she had formally confronted him about it. It wasn't looking good for him; she normally only took her time in delivering a punishment when she wanted to make sure that it was really horrible.

"You and I both know that what you did was wrong," she stated, "you put this ship in danger, and you put yourself in danger."

"I told you not to come after me," he reminded her.

"What the hell did you think I was going to do?" she gave him a serious look, "I wasn't just going to leave you to the mercy of a ship of Kazons."

"Why? You didn't want your son to grow up without a father?" he asked sarcastically.

She gave him a cold glare, "is there something you'd like to say commander?"

He bit down hard on his tongue and shook his head, "I'm sorry," it was the truth, "I shouldn't have put Voyager in danger; and I'm sorry that I betrayed your trust like that."

"It's not about trust anymore Chakotay," she admitted, "it's the fact that you went against all of the work we've done over the past year to integrate these two crews. Although I consider the maquis members of this crew part of my crew, not all of them consider me their captain, but they follow me out of loyalty to you. What kind of example is it setting them to just go off and do your own thing like that?"

Chakotay nodded, "as I said, I'm sorry, it won't happen again."

Kathryn sighed and sat back on the couch, "I know you and Seska have… a history, are you sure you can promise that nothing like that is ever going to happen again, especially now that she's pregnant with your child?"

He thought about what she said for a moment before he turned to look at her, "I'll admit that Seska's betrayal hurt me more than if it had have been any other member of my maquis crew, and yes, that is because of our history, and that's the reason why I wanted to deal with her by myself. But I realise now that I can be too easily manipulated by her, if I ever have to deal with her again, I'll do it by the book and I'll consult you every step of the way."

"And your child?"

"I'll never consider her child my own," his voice had a slight edge to it. She was slightly taken aback by his words, it seemed unlike him to talk in such a way, but before she could respond he smiled bitterly to himself, "it's ironic; I take no willing part in creating two lives, the mother of one will use her child to manipulate me, and the mother of the other doesn't want me to have anything to do with her son."

"I thought we'd settled this months ago," she sighed inwardly, not wanting to launch into another debate with him, "you know why you can't be involved."

"I know," he let out a long breath, "I just wish it didn't have to be that way. It's difficult to see Noah every day; to watch him grow and know that I can never be involved, to see you comfort him in a way that I can never do. I've always thought one day I would be a father, but when I found out you were pregnant with Noah I slowly came to realise, I didn't want to be _a_ father, I wanted to be _his_ father."

There was a long silence, one that Chakotay was a little uncomfortable at having created, but finally Kathryn found the words to speak. "What makes my child different to Seska's?"

Her question caught him off guard, he wasn't sure why he felt so differently towards both situations despite some of the similarities between them. Finally he shrugged, "I guess in the real world outside of Voyager and in the alpha quadrant you're the sort of person I would have wanted to raise a family with," he paused, "I would never have thought of marrying Seska."

She looked away from him for a long moment, and he was almost certain he had made her feel uncomfortable with his words. "It's hard for me too you know." Her voice was soft and when he looked down at her he wasn't sure if it was sadness or pity in her eyes. "When I found out I was pregnant I didn't want to go through with it, but you convinced me that I could be a good captain and still have a child. Ironically if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have kept Noah, let alone become pregnant with him in the first place. In an ideal world you would be helping me with the late night feedings, taking care of him when you can; bathing him and doing everything else that I have to do alone. But Seska's defection, and many of the maquis who are only hanging on here by the thread that is their loyalty to you, is the reason that you can't be involved. You know that's the only reason."

He looked away and nodded to himself, "I'll never have to see Seska's child; I should imagine that will be a lot easier."

Placing a hand on his shoulder he turned to meet her steady gaze as she gave him a sympathetic smile, "maybe you could be put down on the babysitting rota," she suggested.

He sighed, then shook his head, "it's okay, it'll probably just make things harder for both of us if we start to do that. I'll just have to stop thinking of Noah as mine," he gave her a small smile, "for now anyway."

Kathryn looked at him for a while, then dropped her hand from his shoulder, "let me know if you change your mind."

Chakotay gave her a small nod, indicating that he would. "What about my punishment?" he reminded her of why he was there.

"I've read your report about what the Kazon did to you aboard that ship," she explained, "I don't think disciplining you will make a difference; besides," she smiled, lightening the mood, "B'Elanna made a fairly good case for your actions whilst you were away, I'd hate her to think her words had been for nothing."

He gave her a surprised look, "I'll have to ask B'Elanna about that."

"I'll see you later commander," she smiled.

With that he got up from the couch and left her waiting room, deciding he would pay a quick visit to engineering on his way to the mess hall.

/\

_One year, two months- Alliances_

Two tired hands activated the tap on the bath and warm water started to fill the tub. Putting her fingers into the water to check that it was the right temperature she unscrewed a bottle of bubble bath and allowed some of the creamy liquid to mix with the water watching only for a moment as bubbles started to form on the surface of the water. She peeled off her jacket and kicked off her boots and when all of her skin was exposed she pulled the pin from her hair allowing it to drape over her shoulders.

It had been a long week for Kathryn. Having gone so long without losing any members of her crew she had started to consider them all safe, to have some of their lives taken away from her by Kazon scavengers made her feel sick to her stomach as she realised there was only so much she could do to protect them all.

In the past three days alone she had had no more than six hours sleep in total, at first the losses had been weighing too heavily on her mind to allow her to sleep, but now it was trying to find the time in between Kazon attacks that caused her lack of sleep. When the water was high enough she stopped the running water and climbed into the tub, and once safe within the blanket of water she felt like she could sleep right then and there.

The memorial service had been a disaster; everyone had said their part, she had even managed to put some comprehensible words together, but then the tension she had been feeling all throughout the service finally erupted when a crewman confronted her about her refusal to give in to the Kazon. She had had time to glance around at the faces surrounding her, and was disappointed to see so many who agreed with the confrontational engineer; most of all she was dismayed to see Tuvok among them. Chakotay had backed her up of course, but then he had personal issues with the Kazon after Seska had joined them, his opinion couldn't be trusted to be as impartial as usual.

She sighed, although she was determined not to give away federation technology to an alien species, part of her wanted to just give it all away and let the Kazon fight amongst themselves for it.

A noise on the baby monitor in the bathroom caused her to raise her head from where she had been resting in against the wall. Noah was awake after she had spent an hour trying to get him to sleep, and now she finally had some alone time she worried that he was going to demand her attention all over again. The monitor went silent and she relaxed again; however much she loved her son, and despite the fact that she had hardly seen him in the past seven days, the last thing she wanted was to spend another hour with a crying baby.

It was almost twenty three hundred when Kathryn was finally washed and dried and ready for bed. After having run a brush through her hair she decided to quickly check on her son before she went to sleep herself. Five months previously an extra room had been added to her quarters so that when anyone but her was taking care of Noah, they could do so without having to enter her bedroom. Two months previously she had finally taken her son out of her room permanently and into the nursery, thinking that he was old enough to be able to wait an extra minute for her to come to him.

The room had no windows, and the walls were grey, and except for the cot and the baby itinerary scattered around the place, the room could have been used for anything. Peering down into the cot, she saw her son sleeping soundly beneath his blue blankets, his dark hair ruffled on one side where he had been sleeping on it before turning over. She smiled slightly to herself as she reached out and ran her hand over the soft strands covering his head. Over a year ago she hadn't even known she was pregnant, and she thought it strange that now she couldn't imagine not having him in her life, she couldn't imagine not loving someone as much as she did him.

After having placed a kiss on his forehead a strange lump at the end of his cot caught her attention. She lifted up the blanket by his feet and was surprised to see a pink rose sat on top of a white envelope. Frowning, she picked up the two items and replaced the blanket. The rose was wrapped in clear plastic and its thorns had been removed, unwrapping it from the top she took in the scent with her nose to realise it was freshly cut. Thinking that maybe the contents of the envelope may explain where the rose had come from she pulled back the paper flap and pulled out a card. It was a mothers day card. Thinking back to the Earth calendar, she realised that tomorrow it would be mothers day; someone had obviously put the card and rose in the cot for her to find in the morning.

The card had apparently been written from Noah, the true sender obviously wishing to remain anonymous, but that didn't stop her from wondering who it had been. Stepping outside of the nursery into her main quarters she called out, "computer, who was the last person to enter the nursery in my quarters?"

"Captain Janeway," the computer replied.

She realised her mistake and rephrased, "in the past… four hours, how many people have entered these quarters?"

"Noah Janeway, captain Janeway, lieutenant Tuvok, commander Chakotay and Neelix."

It wouldn't have been Neelix as he wasn't familiar with Earth traditions, and Chakotay had only stayed a couple of minutes to drop off some reports and she would have seen if he had been carrying anything. Tuvok had been looking after Noah that afternoon, and had dropped him off soon after her shift had ended, but then Kathryn had been in Noah's room since Tuvok had left.

"Computer, have there been any transports into or out of my quarters within the past four hours?" She attempted again.

"Affirmative."

"Who?"

"Please specify question."

"Who transported into my quarters?"

"There have been no recorded transports of crewmembers within the past four hours."

She sighed, obviously no one had transported into her quarters, they had just transported the rose and the card. "Computer, who initiated transport?"

"Lieutenant Tuvok."

She smiled to herself as she uncovered the culprit, that Vulcan had a knack of surprising her from time to time.

/\

_One year, five months- Investigations_

Harry Kim was granted entry to Tom's quarters only to be faced with the sound of a screaming baby. The floor was littered with Noah's toys and accessories, with it was mixed the mess he usually associated with his friend's quarters to give a combined concoction of mayhem. Tom was pacing with the nine month old baby against his chest, rubbing his back and bobbing up and down in an attempt to sooth him. The door closed behind Harry before he could escape so he sighed and stated, "so you're on babysitting duty then."

"I know," Tom said apologetically, "I'm sorry but we'll have to go to alter Tuvok's holoprogram another time; Sam was meant to be looking after Noah, but she's out with back pain and I offered to look after him before I remembered this afternoon."

Harry had waded through the mess and had cleared himself a space on the couch to sit down. "It's okay," he smiled, "I'm just surprised that the captain is trusting you so soon after you deflected."

Tom laughed, "hey, I helped to smoke out the real traitor you know!"

"You could have told me!" Harry insisted.

Rolling his eyes the pilot gave his best friend a grin, "miss me?"

Harry laughed, "miss you?" he repeated, "when I had the Delaney sisters all to myself…"

"I'll take that as a yes," Tom smiled, then let out an annoyed sound as the captain's son refused to settle down.

"You want me to have a go?" Harry offered.

Without hesitation Tom stepped over towards the young ensign and handed him the screaming baby. As Harry attempted to calm him down, Tom started to tidy up some of the mess, but before he could be asked why after two years of living like a slum he was starting to change his ways the bleep for the door went off. "Damn," Tom muttered, and made his way quickly over to the door, purposely standing in the door's entrance before he opened it, obviously intent on preventing whoever was there from seeing any of the mess.

"I have the report on… is that Noah crying?" Harry heard B'Elanna at the door.

"Hi B'Elanna," he greeted as he saw her push past Tom and enter into his quarters without waiting for an invite.

"I thought Sam was looking after Noah," she looked a little confused, absently handing Tom a padd before making her way over towards the couch.

"She's supposed to be," Tom explained, "but her pregnancy is becoming hard on her back, and she's been ordered off duty for the next few days."

"Oh," she took her eyes from the baby and looked back across at Tom, "you need to read that before the briefing tomorrow and let me know if you'll be able to pilot the ship whilst I'm implementing the changes to the warp core."

"Sure," he said easily and he bent down and started to pick up items from the floor.

"I'm serious Paris," she said with a warning, "I want everything sorted before I give my plans to the captain tomorrow, and unfortunately it's me who's going to look bad if you mess up."

"I said I would," he insisted as he chucked a load of his things onto his bed.

"Good." She then looked over at Harry, finally frustrated with talking over the crying, "give him to me," she instructed.

As soon as the baby was in her arms it was like someone had finally found the volume switch on the side of him and quickly turned it down, and a few seconds later Tom could finally hear his ears ringing as his quarters were consumed with silence. "Wow, you're good," Harry commented; he'd had his fair share of babysitting shifts, and considered himself quite an adequate carer, but B'Elanna's way of getting him to quieten down so quickly astonished him.

"Surprised Starfleet?" she gave him a semi-serious glare.

Tom laughed, "he's probably too scared to cry with an anger prone Klingon holding him."

"I'm not anger prone," she insisted, but then when Harry looked awkwardly away pretending not to have heard her she sighed, "well maybe a little."

Tom sat down opposite, "but seriously, how come you're so good with him; I've been trying to calm him down for the past half an hour."

She shrugged, "I don't know. He always seems to be in engineering, I guess he recognises me more than either of you."

"Why engineering?" Harry looked confused.

"I guess he likes the sound of the warp core," when both men gave her baffled expressions, "don't you know that trick?" When they both shook their heads she sighed, "I thought everyone knew, they all seem to bring him to engineering whenever he gets too unsettled. I think it was Carey that discovered that one."

"I'll have to bare that in mind for next time," Tom commented, then as a thought occurred to him he gave B'Elanna his best smile, "hey, you don't think you could look after him for a couple of hours do you?"

She laughed, but then shook her head, "how about: no."

Harry was only partially paying attention to his two friends as his attention was focussed on the baby in B'Elanna's arms, "does Noah look familiar to you?" he asked when there was finally a gap in the conversation.

"What? You mean does he remind us of captain Janeway?" Tom said sarcastically, "well he is her son."

He shook his head, "no, like someone else…"

B'Elanna frowned, "I guess he kind of looks a little like Chakotay…"

"Yeah, that's it!" Harry felt like she'd put his thoughts together and given them a name.

"Do you know if the captain's fiancé is native American?"

Harry shrugged, "I never met him… and I know she used to have a picture of some guy in her waiting room who I assume is her fiancé, but I can't remember what he looked like."

"I wonder why she took that down?" B'Elanna pondered.

"Probably because she misses him too much," Tom cut in swiftly, "this is a really weird conversation."

"Yeah, imagine if Chakotay was Noah's father," she shuddered, "actually, I wouldn't want to think how that could happen."

"I don't know," Harry shrugged, "they would make quite a good couple; I mean, neither of them could exactly date anyone on this ship below Tuvok, and they seem to get on quite well."

"They would," B'Elanna agreed, surprised as she realised she wasn't at all bothered at the idea of Chakotay dating their captain, "but if they had have gotten together a year and a half ago; that would have been very weird."

"I think we should talk about something else," Tom suggested, and after a few moments they laughed off the entire notion of their captain and first officer getting together and discussed the ever more interesting relationship between Ayala and Jessica Harlow.

_To be continued._


	4. Inevitability

_Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager etc…_

Authors note: I just wanted to say a very big thank you to all of you who have reviewed this story, it's always nice to have good feedback. I'm sorry I'm not updating this story as often as you'd probably like (I know how frustrating it is to be waiting even a couple of days between chapters), but I haven't yet finished writing this story and I don't want to be in the situation where all of the chapters are up and it takes another couple of months before anything is added.

I don't know how many times I've read or done a New Earth rewrite, but I never tire of it, I hope that you don't.

Chapter 4: Inevitability

_One year and eight months_

_New Earth, day two_

It was easy when he was busy. It had been a lot easier when he hadn't even known. Voyager had been hard at first; he would see his son being held and adored by everyone but him, would see everyone congratulating the new mother but never him and he would go to her office to give her ship reports only to see his son in her arms as he slept whilst she worked.

Eventually he realised it was just the way he looked at the situation which was causing him pain, and slowly he started to think of him less as his son and more as Kathryn's son; he started to think of her less as the mother of his child, and more as his captain. Denial had worked. The problem now was that it had worked too well. He had spent so much time avoiding Noah, that after only forty eight hours of time alone with him, he now felt very lost and unsure of how to be a father. So he had focussed his attention on building the shelter to keep his mind from thinking about the situation, but now he was coming to the end of his work, he was struggling to think of more things to keep himself busy.

Kathryn sat opposite him at the dinner table and he watched her as she spoon fed the eleven month old baby in a high chair. "I should be finished with the shelter by tomorrow evening," he said as he poked at the food on his plate with a fork, and then scooping up some pasta and sauce took it up to his mouth.

She looked across at him with an apologetic look, "I'm sorry I haven't been able to help out more."

"It's okay," he excused her, "you've been busy with Noah, besides," he shrugged, "some of the supporting beams are quite heavy."

"And you're implication Chakotay?" she raised an eyebrow as she turned and fed her son another spoonful of mush. He stammered over an adequate response, "I think I see how you think this is going to work… I'll raise Noah, doing the cooking and cleaning, and you will do the building and hunting," her grin gave her away, "I never thought you were such a traditionalist!"

"Actually I thought you could do the hunting," he played along, "we could make a super sized version of one of those insect traps that you have and catch all sorts of food."

She gave him a sarcastic smile, "lets hope our power supplies never get that low that we can't replicate."

He pushed the food around on his plate with his fork, "what did you call this again?"

"Vegetable lasagne," she then noticed that he'd barely touched his food, "you don't like it do you?"

Chakotay shrugged, "I'm just not that hungry."

"Don't worry," she dipped the spoon back into baby food, "I won't replicate it again."

"I'm guessing you don't cook that often," he stated.

She shrugged, "I've always tried to avoid cooking, and besides, I wouldn't have been able to find time on Voyager with my responsibilities to the ship and Noah. Why cook when you can replicate?"

He laughed.

"What?"

He shook his head and subdued his laughter, although a grin was still evident on his face, "just sounds typical of something you might say."

She put down the almost empty bowl of baby food. "I think Noah's had enough," she stated, then proceeded to clear up her plate with Noah's and placed them in the replicater, "I'm just going to give him a bath before I put him to sleep for the night," she explained as she scooped her son into her arms and took him into the bathroom with her.

Chakotay sat quietly for a moment longer before he cleared up his plate also and then headed outside to carry on weatherproofing the roof of their shelter.

It had been almost three weeks since Chakotay and Kathryn had transported down to the planet in search of supplies for the ship. After identifying a wide range of resources their ship could utilise they had transported back up only to suddenly fall ill. After a couple of hours in sick bay the doctor had realised their deteriorating condition was beyond his immediate comprehension, and so they had returned to the planet's surface to make a very quick recovery.

Seventeen days in status tubes had given the doctor no further enlightenment on their condition or a cure, and reluctantly for everyone involved they had decided to remain on the planet as Voyager continued its journey home. Bringing down Noah had been a tough decision for Kathryn, but she had realised that it was the best decision that could be made and so he had been transported down just before Voyager had left orbit.

When Chakotay realised that it was starting to get too dark to see in the late evening offering of light, he climbed down the ladder from the roof and re-entered his new home. His attention was immediately drawn to Kathryn who was sprawled out on the couch wearing only a silk dressing gown and her hair pinned up casually. Noah sat on her lap, wrapped in a towel and gazed at the pictures of a book in front of him as his mother read softly to him. She had obviously decided to take a shower with him; he wasn't sure if it was because of her efficient manner that made her think it would be a good way to save time and energy, or if it was some part of the mother-baby bonding rituals.

She looked up at him as he entered and gave him a warm smile through her words as she finished the page she was on. She then looked back down at the book on her lap and turned the page as she continued to read.

Closing the door behind himself, he hung his jacket up on a hook on the wall and headed over towards the shelving unit to put his tools back in their places. Taking a seat at the table he pulled out his computer and started to go over the schematics for the shelter, to double check that he hadn't left anything out, and to ensure that he had done everything by the book; the last thing he wanted was for the roof to collapse in on him at the first gust of wind that graced the shelter.

As he studied the drawings on the screen he became distracted by the sound of Kathryn's voice, and unable to help himself he stared across at her, and watched her for a long time. With Noah sitting on her lap she looked very different to the woman who sat beside him on the bridge every day. She looked very calm and relaxed, and so did her son as he rested his head against the side of her arm and listened contently to a story about Peter Rabbit. He couldn't help his eyes drift to the cleavage which was showing from the parting of her dressing gown, he tried his best not to think of undressing her completely.

Eventually the story came to a close, and he quickly returned his gaze to the schematics in front of him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her pick Noah up and carry him towards her bedroom. "I'm going to call it a night," she said as she walked by him.

"Sleep well," he smiled across at her before she disappeared into her sleeping area.

Chakotay took a deep breath, this was definitely not going to be easy.

/\

_New Earth, day 24_

"Can you just go check on Noah," Kathryn called out to him as he sat in their home making a sand painting.

"He's fine," he called back.

"That was awfully quick," she commented, "are you sure you just checked on him?"

He chuckled to himself, "he woke up about five minutes ago, he's on the rug chewing his toys."

"Make sure he doesn't swallow any of them," she said worriedly.

Chakotay looked over at their son once again, "unless you think he's capable of dislocating his jaw and fitting anything larger than his fist into his mouth, then I think we're okay."

He couldn't see her rolling her eyes, but he could imagine that was what she was doing. Over the past three weeks they had both gotten to know each other a lot better. They had forced a friendship on Voyager, but it had been distant and formal; he saw her as a rigid Starfleet captain, who although loyal and dedicated to her crew, often took her responsibilities too seriously, especially on her decision not to tell the crew that he was Noah's father, and to exclude him from his son's life. Kathryn had seen him as a rogue Maquis, troubled by his past and with an underlying anger that scared her. When it came to Noah, it wasn't just the fact that she was worried what the crew would think to him being the father that caused her to push him away, but also that she didn't want him to raise her son, she didn't want him to be allowed any access to her personal life, which is what would have undoubtedly happened if they had have shared custody.

But their time alone together had changed their opinions of one another, and their perspectives of things. Chakotay now realised that Kathryn was a very warm and compassionate woman, he realised that her skill in command was nothing to her skill as a scientist. Although she obsessed with finding a cure, he realised that her obsession was mainly a distraction for her so that she didn't have to consider the reality of their situation, and through this he realised she was much more vulnerable and guarded of her feelings than she let on when wearing the captain's mask.

Kathryn now laughed at how she used to think of Chakotay. She could see that he was a very caring man, she could see that in the way that he took care of their son, and any anger he had been bottling up at the start of the journey, he had dealt with it long ago and over time it had dissipated. Having gotten to know him better, she couldn't think of a better father for her son. The friendship they had forged on the planet they had decided to call New Earth was natural, close and comfortable; they both realised common interests, and had both quickly adapted to sharing responsibility for Noah. Chakotay had even started to form a bond with Noah that she knew he would never have been able to attempt to do on Voyager.

Suddenly Chakotay's concentration over his sand painting was broken as he heard her call for him, saying that there was something in the bushes. He quickly grabbed a phaser and a flash torch from the side and rushed outside to her aid. She had already gotten up out of the bath that he had built her and had wrapped herself in a towel by the time he got there. "Over there," she pointed to where the noise she had heard had come from.

Pointing the torch and phaser in the direction of her finger, they were both instantly surprised when they saw a primate a few metres away from them. Their panic quickly dissipated and Kathryn turned to exchange an amused smile at their over reaction as he relaxed his arm holding the phaser, and hung it by his side. Kathryn, ever fearless of anything that she could understand went slowly forwards and held out her hand to the small primate, "hello there," she greeted, only to be disappointed by the primate's reaction of running away. "I think he's probably a little more scared of us than we are of him," she commented as she turned back around catching Chakotay staring at he naked shoulder.

When he realised her eyes were back on him he broke his gaze, but she had already caught him staring, and suddenly the moment was very thick and very tense. She had tried to convince herself that his realisation that she was the only woman around wasn't inevitable, that he might eventually expect more of her than she was sure she wanted to give. Catching him staring like that reminded her that she couldn't avoid the inevitability forever, and maybe not even in the next few minutes she amended when she found she couldn't move from where she stood.

Eventually it was him who broke the moment, "we should probably get back to Noah," he reminded her and then forced himself to walk back over to the shelter.

/\

_New Earth, day 32_

Chakotay sat up in his bed reading, it was late but he was determined to get to the end of the chapter before he turned off his reading light. A knock at the door to his sleeping area caused him to look up from his book. "Come in," he instructed and Kathryn appeared in his doorway, her appearance in his bedroom at the late hour caused him to worry, "there's not a problem is there?"

She entered further into his room and plonked herself down on the edge of his bed, "depends on what you consider a problem," she said.

He frowned, unsure what she was talking about, "right…" he said unsurely.

"It's Noah's first birthday tomorrow," she informed him.

"I know," he smiled.

"You do?"

He chuckled lightly, "you know I was on the same ship when you gave birth to him," he reminded her.

"Oh," her jaw hung a little, "I just thought… it doesn't matter."

"You just thought because I wasn't actively his father for eleven months I might have forgotten the date I became a father," his smile was relaxing and infectious.

She smiled awkwardly, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed that you wouldn't remember."

He shrugged, "and the problem?"

"Do we celebrate?" He raised an eyebrow, "well it's not like he's going to remember, but then it seems odd not to do… something."

He nodded in agreement, "well, I'm not too keen on putting on a party hat and eating jelly."

Kathryn laughed, "me neither, but do you have anything better in mind?"

Giving it a few moments thought he replied, "we could just do something small to commemorate his first birthday… like go for a picnic," he loosely suggested.

At the suggestion she broke into a smile, the kind of lopsided smile she reserved only for special moments and made him go weak at the knees, "that sounds great."

He grinned back, "have anywhere in mind?"

Giving him a coy look she replied: "well now that you mention it, there is a spot I found when I was putting out insect traps last week."

-

Kathryn lay back on a picnic blanket, elbows supported her weight behind her. Noah had fallen asleep long ago after having eaten too much, and she gazed at him adoringly for a long while before a sprinkling of water on her face caused her to look out over the small lake to give Chakotay a glare. "Sure you don't want to come in?" he offered once again, "the water's lovely and warm."

"I'm sure," she replied, shielding her eyes as he slid his arm across the surface of the water and splashed her once again.

"What's wrong? Can't you swim?"

"I can swim perfectly well thank you very much," she replied, "but I know if I get in the water you'll just splash me even more."

"Scared you'll lose?" He challenged.

He had set the bait, but today was not a day she was going to go for it. "If I got in the water, who would look after Noah?"

He treaded water for a while as he considered her words, "bring him in," he responded.

"He's asleep," she reminded him.

She thought she heard him sigh before he dove into the water head first with his toes following last, and then he resurfaced to do a few more laps. Finally he seemed to tire of being alone in the lake, with nothing but the sound of the waterfall for company, and reaching a large stone by the bank pulled himself out. Kathryn hadn't realised he'd been skinning dipping, having assumed that he had been wearing his underpants, and so quickly averted her eyes when she saw that he was completely naked.

The sound of him chucking his pile of clothes near to the picnic blanket caused her to look back up. He had pulled his underpants back on, but they clung to his wet skin, and he had obviously decided not to put the rest of his clothes on until he had allowed the sun to dry him off. "You should have mentioned there was this lake," he commented as he sat down beside her, "I would have brought a towel."

"And some trunks?" she raised an eyebrow.

He laughed, "you're trying to tell me that you never went skinny dipping?"

"Not with company!"

"Not even with your fiancé?"

"Not Mark, no," she admitted, although they had never been in a situation where they didn't have bathing costumes.

Giving her a knowing smile he pressed, "but with someone else, right?"

Rolling her eyes she shrugged, "maybe."

Laughing he shook his head, "I would have liked to have been there for that."

She gave him a playful push, "fortunately you're too old for us to have gone to the academy together."

He dropped his jaw in mock horror, "old," he repeated, "I'll remind you that you're only three years younger than me."

"God," she took a hand to her head, "you don't have to remind me."

Chakotay looked at her as he tried to decide on an adequate response, so without giving her any warning he took his hands to her sides and tickled her, chuckling as she fell into uncontrolled giggles.

"Stop it," she pleaded between breathes, "you're getting me wet!"

In response to her plea he shook his head, finely spraying her with water. She gave him a playful slap against his upper arm and the distraction was enough to launch into an attack of her own. Grabbing his foot and running her fingers along it caused him to fall to the ground onto his back, and seizing his vulnerable position she climbed on top of his legs and ran her fingers along his belly.

"Ah, that's unfair," he pointed out when she didn't stop, "I was just about to stop, I swear."

"Say mercy," she reminded him of a childhood game, "and we can call it truce."

"Never," he said after a deep breath and rolled her over so that he was on top. Her hands had flown back to control her fall and so she was left completely unguarded as he counter attacked.

She tried to pull his hands away from her, but he was too strong, so she was left to squirm beneath him. Chakotay decided to end the game and took her wrists and raised her hands above her head, with her legs pinned beneath his weight she was unable to make a physical response. "Say mercy," he repeated her earlier words, "and we'll call it truce."

She looked up at him defiantly, annoyed that she wasn't six foot tall, built like a tank and unwilling to surrender. "I'm the mother of your child," she reminded him, "do you have any idea how hard it is to push out seven pounds of a human being?"

He just smiled, an annoying knowing smile that she didn't like, "I'm guessing not nearly as hard as it's going to be for you to surrender to me."

Something about his words caused the smile on her lips to fall from her face, and the look she gave him caused his grin to drop also. The close proximity they were to one another was now very apparent to them both, his face was only inches from hers, her breath touched his lips, and his breathing was heavy. She was completely helpless beneath him, and when Chakotay realised this, he released her wrists from above her head, allowing her to push him away. She didn't though, and Chakotay wasn't sure if that was because she didn't want to, or because she was equally as stunned as him to find herself in such a position.

Their eyes locked, and the desire she saw in his eyes almost scared her, but the desire she felt herself was what shocked her the most. They were alone on this planet, she knew it was inevitable that he would eventually make a move on her, however she wasn't prepared for her own feelings of anticipation of such a moment. They had known one another for almost two years, and although she found him irresistibly hansom and despite the fact that they had a child together, she had never imagined that she could ever think of him as anything more than a Maquis captain she had made her first officer.

Chakotay was torn, he had wished for more from this woman for a long time, and not just involvement in his son's life; he wanted her, he wanted the woman beneath the captain's uniform, and especially over the past month that he had gotten to know her better, he realised he was starting to fall in love with her, and now more than anything, he realised that he wanted her to love him back. The reason he was torn, was because he worried that kissing her now would end all of that, she would only think that he was kissing her because she was the only woman he would ever see again, and she would never believe him if he told her that he loved her, therefore she would never allow herself to return such feelings.

Before he could come to his senses he felt her move beneath him as she closed the gap between them and met her lips to his. He kissed her back, his desire for her erasing all other thoughts in his mind. The kiss very quickly intensified, and he was confused by the fact that it was her who was deepening the kiss, when her hand came around his side and slid up his back he realised how wrong it felt; he had been so worried about her thinking he was using her, it had never occurred to him that she may decide to use him.

Finally he pulled away; he physically pushed himself off from her and sat up, his breathing heavy and the look on her face was very confused.

"We can't do this," he explained.

A look of hurt passed across her face, "what's wrong?"

He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down, then he looked at her and saw the pain in her expression; she obviously wasn't used to being turned down. "We're going to be on this planet together for a long time," he reminded her, "I don't want you to resent me during any of our time together."

"Resent you? I don't resent you."

"Not now," he insisted, "but maybe in the future; I don't want you to feel used, like I'm taking advantage of you."

About to mount a response their conversation was interrupted by the screaming of their infant son. Their gazes remained in a fierce exchange for a long moment before Chakotay turned his head towards his son and realised that he wasn't going to calm down by himself any time soon. Pulling on a shirt to cover his almost dry skin he moved over to where Noah lay, picked him up and held him against his chest, knowing that his son was probably just unsettled to wake from a nap and not know where his parents were, so just holding him close was enough to quieten him down.

Movement in the corner of his eye caused him to look around to see Kathryn standing from the ground, her back to him as she walked off into the trees. Guessing that she probably just wanted some time alone, he moved the now quiet Noah to his lap, supporting him with one arm as he started to pack the remains of the picnic back into the basket; there would be time to talk about what had almost happened later.

/\

New Earth, day 39

They had never really had that conversation in the end. The kiss had gone unmentioned but not forgotten, but days after the picnic they had been struck by a storm. Kathryn had been devastated by the destruction of all her work, after having convinced herself that she was getting so close to a cure, he could tell that she was still upset, but realised that she was taking it as an opportunity to move on.

The past few days their minds had been occupied with repairing the damage and salvaging things that had been blown away. Earlier she had complained how all of the physical labour she had insisted on helping with was giving her knots, and without thinking too much about it he had given her a neck massage. His actions however had forced an intimacy that had started to make her feel uncomfortable, she had quickly excused herself from the room and headed towards her sleeping alcove. He wasn't sure what was wrong, only a week previously she had been very willing to take things to another level, and it had been him who had taken a step back, but then she had started pushing him away again, and he found it difficult to understand what had changed.

About to call it a night, Kathryn had re-emerged from her sleeping area, obviously having been unable to get to sleep. She sat down opposite him at the table, "we need to talk about this," she started.

He thought for a moment of playing innocent, but realised that it would get them no where, "okay," he said evenly.

She took a deep breath, determined to have the conversation, but finding it very difficult to find the words. "It's likely that we're going to be on this planet together for the rest of our lives, I think we need to discuss exactly what our relationship is going to be."

"You mean intimacy?" he forced her to stop edging around the subject.

"I don't think either of us are willing to take a vow of celibacy," she pointed out. He grinned for a moment at the thought, then his face grew solemn as she continued, "so I think we need to establish some emotional parameters."

Not sure he was liking the turn of the conversation he interrupted, "I don't think I could have a casual relationship, not with you."

She frowned, "I don't see how else it could work."

Chakotay sighed, searching his mind for the right response. "Well we're going to have to find a way, because I'm already emotionally involved."

For a moment she looked puzzled, before she interpreted his words in a manner that made sense, "because of Noah."

Her words surprised him, it hadn't been what he had meant. "Not exactly," he replied slowly, not sure how to put what he felt into words. "But I can tell you a story… an ancient legend among my people." She looked at him quizzically. "It's about an angry warrior... who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe... a man who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years he struggled with the demons inside him, but the only satisfaction he ever knew came when he was in battle. This made him a hero in his tribe, but the warrior still longed for inner peace."

Pausing he stood from the table and started to pace as he considered the rest of the story, hoping that she would think he was just trying to remember the words. "One day he and his war party were captured by a neighbouring tribe, led by a warrior princess," he continued. "She called on him to join them, for her tribe was too small and weak too defend themselves from all their enemies. The warrior princess was brave, and beautiful. And very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on, her needs would come first." Again he paused, "and in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace."

He turned around where he stood and looked across at her, their eyes locking instantly, "he didn't realize for a long time that what he was feeling was love - because he had never known love before."

There was a long and drawn out silence, and Chakotay worried that he had gone too far with the story, but finally she opened her mouth to speak, "is that really an ancient legend?"

He smiled shyly, his dimples just about showing, "no," he admitted, "but that made it easier to tell you."

Without thinking, as thoughts were now irrelevant she rose from the table and crossed the short space over to him. She looked up into his dark brown eyes for a short moment, and just as he started to wonder what she was going to do next, she rose her lips to meet his and kissed him tenderly. He wrapped his arms around her, a shiver running up his spine at the feeling of how right it felt to have her so close to him.

He kissed her back gently, and although passionately she didn't feel like he wanted anything more than what she was already giving him. As his arms circled around her back she melted into him, feeling Goosebumps appearing up her arms. When they finally came up for air she led him into the bedroom, she saw the conflict flicker across his eyes briefly before he decided to follow her into his sleeping area.

_To be continued._

_A further disclaimer, to Jeri Taylor who wrote Resolutions, the above retelling of the legend is what she apparently wrote in the original script, where Chakotay really did say the part about how the warrior had never known love before, and Kathryn and Chakotay did kiss. According to myth, the kiss was actually filmed and is somewhere on a cutting room floor right now, we can only hope that one day they release this film for all of the JC fans out there._


	5. Pink rose

_Disclaimer: Voyager belongs to paramount._

Chapter 5: Pink Rose

_One year and ten months_

An exhausted Chakotay stood outside his captain's quarters and waited to be admitted. Just as he was about to press for entry for a second time, the doors opened and his crying son was thrust into his arms. "I've been trying to get him to bed for the past forty minutes," Kathryn explained as she walked away, "you try."

He stepped into her quarters, pulling his son up against his shoulder and running a hand soothingly over his hair. "Is this what you called me here for?" he was surprised, "I thought it was an emergency."

"Try depriving your captain of sleep for two nights and I'll give you an emergency," she threatened as she picked up an empty mug and took it over to the replicater to be recycled.

"You're not sleeping well?" he asked, concerned.

"No," she turned around slowly, "he's not sleeping well, and therefore I'm not getting any sleep." He watched her as she headed over towards her bathroom, undoing her jacket and chucking it on the couch, "read him a story or something," she suggested without looking around, "I'm having a bath."

Deciding that he wasn't going to allow her to leave it at that he followed her into the bathroom as she started running the water. "Are you angry at me or something?" he asked as he stood in the doorway, Noah settling into quiet sobs against his shoulder.

Sitting on the edge of the tub she gave him a glare, "angry, why the hell would I be angry at you Chakotay?"

He frowned, "well you're stressed out about something, and I don't think missing sleep because of your son is that main problem here."

"You're right," she said exasperatedly, "my problem is the father of my son; he plays daddy for two months and then as soon as we're back on Voyager he becomes like a ghost. You can't just step out of Noah's life like that, just because your own is a little complicated right now!"

"I thought you wanted things to go back to the way things were before," he stated, remembering their conversation just before Voyager had 'rescued' them from New Earth.

She remembered the heated argument, remembered snapping at him and telling him that she wished she had never gotten involved with him. She had instantly regretted the words the moment they had left her mouth, but she had been too stubborn to apologise right away, and he had been avoiding her since their return, and so she hadn't had a chance to take back any of the things that she had said to him. She sighed, "not with Noah. He needs you…" she smiled tiredly, "and I need to take a bath and get some sleep."

Her words lightened the mood somewhat and he nodded, "he seems to have calmed down, I'll try and get him to sleep."

"Thank you."

Chakotay left the bathroom, the door closing behind him as he headed over to the nursery. "Have you been problematic for your mummy Noah?" he asked, chuckling as the little boy looked up at him with the same chocolate brown eyes with the most innocent of expressions plastered over his face.

It was the first time Chakotay had been in the nursery since his return to Voyager, and he was stunned to see that Kathryn had replaced the grey standard cot with the one he had made on New Earth; he had assumed that she had left it on the planet with the bath and other things that would have found no use back on the ship, obviously he had been wrong. Approaching the book case he glanced at the selection of books, then having a thought he picked up a padd, "computer, download my reports to the padd."

Sitting down on the armchair in the room, he reached into the cot beside him and pulled out a blanket, wrapping his son loosely in it before resting Noah on his lap. "Lets start off with security," he spoke softly, "Tuvok usually gets me to sleep." The small boy rested his head against his father's chest, and listened contently as Chakotay read out the entire report in his official bedtime story voice.

Twenty five minutes later and Kathryn entered the room to see Noah sleeping contently on Chakotay's lap, and her first officer reading silently to himself. "How did you get him to sleep?" she asked, sitting herself down on the bean bag by his feet.

"I thought it would be Tuvok's security report that would send him off, but it turns out that our son is quite partial to the ramblings of Neelix's wish list for the mess."

Kathryn chuckled to herself, "good idea."

"See, I can multitask," he pointed out after several weeks before she had accused him of being unable to carry out more than one task at once as he had sat on the floor playing with Noah, and managed to burn their dinner.

"Well done," she rolled her eyes, obviously in a better mood than she had been when he'd arrived earlier, "so you're not just a pretty face then."

He laughed lightly, "only sometimes." With that he slowly rose from the arm chair and lifted his son into the cot, careful not to make any sudden movements that would wake the sleeping toddler. Knowing that leaving him straight away was one sure way of ensuring that he woke up, he stayed by the side of the cot for a while, running his fingers over Noah's hair to remind him that he was still there. "What do you want me to do then?" he asked without turning around.

"About what?" she asked, absently rubbing her temple.

"About Noah."

She took a moment in replying, "I want you to be involved in his life Chakotay, I want our son to grow up knowing that you're his father."

Chakotay turned around, "even now we're back on Voyager?"

"Especially now," she replied simply.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair before resting his hands behind his body on the frame of the cot. "And what about us?" as he asked she looked away from him and concentrated her gaze on the corner of the room. "I don't want us to lose what we had on New Earth," he decided to be completely honest despite his fear of laying his heart in the open, "I love you, and I don't want to lose you…"

"I know," she looked back up at him, he was sure he saw tears forming in the corner of her eyes, "but I don't see how we could make a relationship work on Voyager; New Earth was different, there was no command structure, I didn't have the responsibility of a crew on my shoulders, I didn't have the worries I have now of this uncharted part of space… if I opened my heart to you, and then I lost you Chakotay, I don't know how I would get them home feeling that kind of pain."

"You won't lose me," he insisted softly and in a way that almost made her believe him, "I will always be here for you, I will always share your burden… and if I die before my time, then it will just be a little harder for you to know that I'm still with you."

She looked unconvinced, and being a woman of science and very little faith he wasn't surprised, so he went to his knees in front of her and rested a hand on her upper arm. "Even if you never let me into your heart again, I will always love you," his words held a determination that made her trust them completely.

"You don't understand," she met his eyes, "I was engaged to a man before Mark, but he died, and to have someone I loved so much taken away from me like that was unbearable. Until you I didn't think I could love anyone that way again."

"You were engaged before Mark?" he concentrated on her first words.

She nodded slowly, "fourteen years ago, lieutenant Justin Tighe," smiling somewhat bitterly she went on, "he died in a shuttle accident with my father… I only barely survived the crash."

Chakotay looked at her carefully, "and I guess with my record of flying shuttles you're not exactly put at ease."

Kathryn chuckled despite the tears that glided down her cheeks as she did so, "not really, no."

He leaned forwards and placed a kiss on her cheek, "I don't want to push you," he stated, "I've got tomorrow morning off, why don't you bring Noah round for breakfast?"

"I'm sorry about what I said just before we left New Earth," the apology finally arrived, "I don't regret what happened… and I can't think of a better father for my son."

"I wish I had met you before Seska," he said with a small smile as he pulled back.

Meeting his gaze, "do you know what you're doing to do?"

"No," he shook his head.

"This ship is behind whatever decision you make," she told him, "you know I am… and I don't think Noah would mind a younger brother to grow up with."

He thought of mentioning that he might mind their son growing up with a half Cardassian, but he knew she was too diplomatic to support his attitude so he just climbed up from the floor to standing. "I'll see you tomorrow morning." Then he left the nursery and made his way out of her quarters.

/\

_One year, eleven and a half months_

In the end they had gone after Seska's son; it was a trap of course, and now they were piling into caves to avoid the harsh daylight. Chakotay couldn't help but feel totally responsible as he watched the faces of the people as they walked passed him into the caves. "Da," the young voice caught his attention and he turned to see B'Elanna carrying Noah who had already noticed his father and was almost clawing away at B'Elanna's arm to get to him.

Smiling he took Noah into his arms and placed a kiss on his forehead, ever grateful that Seska hadn't managed to put two and two together and work out that he was the father to the captain's son. "Neelix has apparently found water," she informed him, "but then he apparently found water the last two times he said that."

"I think he has this time," he assured her, "at least I hope that rag he gave to me was soaked in water from a spring," he shot her a worried expression. "I've sent a team out, they should be back within five, ten minutes."

The engineer rolled her eyes then gave him a knowing grin, "any luck with a fire?"

Her bemused expression was supported by his lack of one, "not yet, no."

She shook her head with a smile, "anyway, me and Harry are going in search of food."

"Take a team," he instructed.

She nodded as she started to walk away, "of course."

"And come back before it gets dark," he called out after her.

-

Eventually Chakotay had got a fire going, after remembering an old trick his father had taught him with a lock of Kathryn's hair. Harry and B'Elanna hadn't exactly had any luck with their food gathering, having only brought back one shrivelled type of fruit that Neelix wasn't sure whether was safe or not. B'Elanna had decided to revert to basic survival training and had eaten a small amount of the fruit, saying if she was still alive by morning then it was a possibility.

Most people were sitting close to the fire after the temperature had suddenly dropped as night fell. Chakotay himself sat towards the edge of the cave, watching as other people socialised and tried to make light of their dire situation. Noah was happily playing with Ayala, who being a father himself with no children was quite happy to adopt Noah for a few hours every now and again.

Movement on a space on the rock he was sitting on caused him to turn around to see Kathryn seated beside him. "You're awfully quiet," she noted, "I haven't seen you speaking to anyone for a while."

He shrugged, "I guess I don't really feel like talking."

"You want me to leave you alone?"

He met her gaze, "I'd appreciate your company."

She smiled, her face glowing ever so slightly in the fire light. They sat in silence for a long while, both contemplating their situations and both considering strategies for how to cope. Chakotay took his arm around her back, she seemed surprised at the sudden contact, but no one was watching them so he didn't change his position. "I think they know," he tried to put her at ease.

"Know what?"

"That something happened between us on New Earth."

"Well they're not stupid."

He agreed, "I don't think anyone could accuse our crew of not having incredible insight."

Grinning she looked briefly across all of the men and women in her crew, "or gossiping either," she added.

"I wonder what they say…"

She laughed lightly, "you don't want to know."

Looking down at her he raised an eyebrow, "how would you know?"

Shrugging she answered, "I have my ways and sources."

He remembered the countless times she had been aware of ship gossip many days before himself, "I'm going to catch one of your snitches one day."

She just smiled and shuffled a little closer to him on the rock, "good luck with that," it wasn't a confession that she had spies amongst the crew, but more of a challenge for him to find out. "Do you think we'll ever get off this planet?" she asked after a long pause.

Glancing across at her he shook his head, "we don't have many allies in this part of space, and fewer that would delve into the depths of Kazon space… but maybe if Paris is still alive, he might be able to mount some form of rescue mission."

Kathryn sighed, "I hope so."

It wasn't like her to sound so defeatist, to just accept what appeared to be her fate, but he guessed that she was probably just exhausted from the very long day, and the even longer week before that. "It looks like we're stranded again anyway," he pointed out.

She could only chuckle at the irony of the situation they again found themselves in, "I guess. But I much preferred New Earth to this planet."

Taking a look around the cave walls he had to agree with her, "we could call this planet New Vulcan, and then we'd feel a little closer to the alpha quadrant."

It was difficult to bite back the laugh, but she did it anyway just in case Tuvok could over hear their conversation, "I don't think that would be very fair to the vulcans in our crew. But I didn't just mean aesthetically, although we were stranded on New Earth, at least I had you, and that was good enough compensation for never being able to leave the planet's surface."

"We could still be together," he said for the hundredth time, "here, or Voyager, or where ever."

"Do you really think we could separate our personal and professional lives?"

"I promise you Kathryn, it would work… I would do whatever it took to make it work."

She looked up at him for a long moment, wondering not for the first time if it would be worth just throwing caution into the wind to open her heart to him. Eventually she settled back against him, one thing for sure was that she would always wonder what could have been if she never gave a relationship with her first officer a chance.

/\

_Two years, two months_

When Kathryn woke she instinctively reached an arm across the other side of her bed, when she only came into contact with the sheets she opened an eye and was dismayed to see Chakotay wasn't there. "Computer, time," she called out.

"The time is six hundred hours and forty three minutes," came an automated reply.

Usually after working late Chakotay would let himself into her quarters and climb into bed with her, and usually she didn't know he was there until she woke herself the following morning, she was more than a little disappointed to realise he wasn't sleeping beside her.

A relationship hadn't been planned, it had just sort of happened once they had returned to Voyager from barely surviving an almost demon class planet. Noah had been an excuse for him to come around, and for her to give him access codes to her quarters. The late dinners were excused by his want to make sure that she was eating well. The wine had been a gift from a kind people they had met early on in their journey, and on good authority from Neelix if it wasn't drunk within those first few weeks of their return then it would have gone to waste. The sleeping over was a result of over indulgence in the wine, but after that, they had given up with excuses.

The door to her bedroom opened, and Chakotay poked his head through, but didn't enter straight away. It took her only moments to realise why, as Noah walked into her room, one hand in Chakotay's for support, the other holding a pink rose. She couldn't stop the smile that took over her face when she saw them both. "Happy mothers day," his dimples were evident on his face as he picked up the year and a half old boy and placed him on the bed by his mother.

Noah stuck out his arm to his mother, offering her the rose, "thank you very much Noah," she placed a kiss on the toddler's forehead as she took the rose from him, half an eye on Chakotay as he sat on the other side of their son.

She was then handed a card that Chakotay had been hiding behind his back, she removed the envelope to see a hand print on the front of the card, and inside Chakotay's writing pretending to be from the small boy. "Noah decided which hand he wanted to stick in the paint all by himself," he informed her, a grin still evident on his face.

Kathryn chuckled lightly, then sat up properly and took her son into her arms placing a kiss on his cheek and then proceeding to tickle him, he squealed delightedly before she stopped and held him at arms length, taking in his appearance. He was dressed in a stripy blue and white shirt and cotton dungarees, his feet bare and struggling to find footing as she held him in the air. He had grown so much, and it was only at times like these when she took a long hard look at him that she noticed how much she sometimes missed with having to captain the ship. His first comprehensible word had been spoken in engineering with Carey, he had started crawling for a few days before he allowed her to see him, his first couple of steps had been taken whilst Chakotay was looking after him and she was helpless in the knowledge that she would miss many more important occasions.

"I've given us both the morning off," Chakotay spoke, drawing her attention back to the real world, "and I've booked holodeck time."

She rested Noah back on her lap and then looked across at him with a frown, "why did you decide on a pink rose?"

He shrugged, "you like pink, you love roses… any preferences for what you want to do this morning, or shall I just stick to my original surprise."

"Why do you celebrate mothers day?"

"Is everything okay?"

"Chakotay…" she pleaded.

"I celebrate mothers day for the same reason that everyone else does; it's traditional, and despite its religious routes it's the most popular day for children to celebrate their mothers, is that okay with you?"

She sighed and shook her head looking down at the rose in her hand, "it's just odd you chose a pink rose."

"Why? You didn't like the one I got Tuvok to send you last year?" he gave her a knowing smile.

"That was you?" she looked up at him with surprise.

He chuckled lightly, "well, I mentioned it to Tuvok, he came up with the plan, and I chose the rose; it's the same my father used to give to my mother on our equivalent to mothers day."

Reaching out she placed a hand on his cheek, "thank you."

Kissing her palm he shook his head, "no, thank you."

"For what?"

He almost laughed at her words and at the bafflement plastered over her face, "for giving me my son," he replied, "for allowing me to be in both your lives… for loving me."

She put Noah down, "I don't really think you gave me much of a choice," then she closed the gap between them whispering: "and I'm very grateful for that," before she kissed him on the lips. He returned the kiss, but the moment was broken by their son demanding attention from them both, they laughed and pulled back to watch him attempt to walk unaided on the mattress of the bed, only to topple over. Chakotay decided to take him into the main living area whilst Kathryn got washed and dressed, allowing Noah to walk on a firm surface as he got the breakfast ready.

_To be continued._


	6. Dereliction of duty

_Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager._

Chapter 6: Dereliction Of Duty

_Two years, five months- warlord_

When Tom Paris entered the airponics bay he was struck by the familiar, sweet smell that he usually associated with the converted cargo hold. As he approached one of the soil trays to pick out the vegetables Neelix had sent him to get, he started to get the feeling that he wasn't the only one in the room. Instinctively he turned his head to the side, to see Kes sitting alone, hunched over and looking down at the floor; he wasn't sure if she had noticed him or not, but realised that she looked somewhat upset about something, and he decided that he should offer his services as a good friend.

"Oh, hi Tom," Kes greeted with a forced smile as he approached her; she had been so consumed in her own thoughts that she hadn't noticed him enter.

"Is everything okay?" he asked, concerned, as he sat down beside her on the bench, "you look a little out of sorts."

She shrugged, "I'm okay."

"Is that why you're sitting alone with nothing but your own thoughts for company in the airponics bay?"

"My thoughts are enough company for me at the moment," the softly spoken ocampan replied.

"Good company?" he asked.

Glancing across at him, she couldn't help but grin at his insightfulness, "not really," she admitted.

"Any you'd like to share?"

"I wouldn't know where to start."

"I'm guessing this has something to do with the alien that you hosted in your body a few days ago?" he took a stab at what was bothering her. The thought of Kes threatening to kill innocent people and not so innocent people alike freaked him out, he could only guess how it made her feel.

"A little," she sighed, "but this is more about Neelix."

"How?"

Kes swallowed hard, "the alien being ended my relationship with Neelix."

"Right," Tom thought he understood, "but that wasn't you, Neelix should understand that. I'm sure within no time you'll be back to normal."

"That's the problem!" her voice strained a little, "I'm not sure if I want things to go back to normal."

The pilot frowned, "what do you mean?"

She looked around at him and met his gaze, "I'm not sure if a relationship with Neelix is what I want anymore… The past few days I've come to realise that it's starting to hold me back, I can't go anywhere without him, I can't get too close to people without him getting jealous… I'm two years old and I feel like I've been trapped in a marriage for most of my life, I just want to go out and discover who I am, without Neelix in the background trying to fit in with who I'm becoming."

Tom wasn't sure if he was qualified enough to handle this situation; sure he had been in a couple of serious relationships, but not for as long a fraction of his life as Kes had been in with Neelix. However, what he did have experience with was playing the field, and all he could do was give her the advice that it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. Realising that such words probably weren't what she wanted to hear, he decided to stay impartial. "Have you told any of this to Neelix?"

He thought he saw her role her eyes, "I don't want to upset him; he's still fairly shaken by everything that happened the other day."

Letting out a sigh he placed a hand on her shoulder, "either way it looks like one of you is going to get hurt. If you don't tell Neelix then you're just going to remain unhappy in a relationship with him, and if you do tell him, he might be upset, but at least things will be out in the open, and from there you can start to work on a decision that will eventually leave you both more content."

"Do you think he will understand?"

There was an awkward pause as Tom remembered the many times that Neelix had not been so understanding towards his own friendship with Kes, "eventually," he replied with as close to an honest answer as he could give.

Shooting him a small smile she leant towards him and placed a kiss on his cheek, "thank you Tom," she said as she pulled back and stood from the bench. "Maybe when you're ready I can give you advice on B'Elanna."

"B'Elanna?" he raised an eyebrow.

"When you both realise that you're meant for each other," she explained with a knowing smile that only confused him further. Before he could ask her exactly what she meant, she had left the airponics bay, and it was him who sat alone on the bench with nothing but his thoughts for company.

/\

_Two years, six months- Q and the grey_

Chakotay was slouched back on the sofa, one leg up against the back rest, the other dangling over the edge. It was dark where he sat, the only light coming from the candles still burning on the dining table, the soothing music of Cool Jazz played softly in the background, and when she came up to him with a glass of wine he knew he would be staying the night. "You can't say you weren't a little tempted," he continued the conversation they had started over dinner as she sat down between his legs and lay back against his chest pulling her own feet onto the couch.

"Of course I was a little tempted," she admitted, "but one child is more than enough for me."

He placed a lingering kiss on her neck, "I guess Noah is quite a handful, at least for the moment anyway."

Taking a sip of wine she murmured an agreement, then paused, "for the moment?"

"Well I'm hoping he'll get easier to look after in another year or so as he becomes less dependant on us," he said, running a hand casually down her upper arm, "and then we could start thinking about having more children."

"More children?" she repeated his last words.

He chuckled, "don't worry, I'm talking a few years into the future."

"Oh right," she pretended to be surprised, "and this is after what? We get married? We move in together? We actually discuss the topic?"

"Kathryn, of course," he placed a kiss to her temple.

"And how many children are we going to have?"

He could hear the tension rising in her voice, but he decided to stay calm until he figured out where it was coming from. "One or two; you did say you'd like Noah to have a playmate a few months ago."

"I was talking about Seska's child, which turned out not to be yours anyway!"

"How's this any different?"

She suddenly pulled away from him and turned around so that they were face to face, "I don't want anymore children."

"Kathryn," he reached out to her.

Pushing his hand away she stood up, "and during the incident five months ago you said that you didn't want anymore children yourself."

"I said I didn't want to father Seska's child," he insisted, "but that doesn't mean I don't want to have a child with you."

"And what about Noah?"

Chakotay sighed, he realised the error in his words and could see where this disagreement was headed, "Kathryn, this conversation is ridiculous."

"Are you saying our future is just a joke to you?"

He could see she was just looking for a fight now, "no," he stood up and slowly approached her, "I'm sorry I assumed that you would want all of the same things as me."

"Well maybe that's our problem Chakotay, you just seem to think that we can have all of the things we could have if we were back in the alpha quadrant, sometimes I don't think you realise that this crew is a large responsibility for me."

"I understand that this ship will always come first for you."

"It's not sounding like you do."

He paused, knowing that this was a good time to walk away, "I should probably go."

She looked away and didn't stop him as he headed over towards the door, he turned as the doors opened thinking that maybe he should say something, but unable to think of anything that she wouldn't pick holes in he walked out and left without another word.

-

The tension was thick the next morning on the bridge with neither of the commanding officers saying anything to one another except basic pleasantries. Tom had looked around at Harry at several points to raise an eyebrow, with an expression which noted that the captain and first officer had obviously had a disagreement, and with the lack of spatial activity it was no guess that it had been on a personal matter.

Only two hours into the morning shift and the captain stood from her chair, "commander, you have the bridge," she said without looking round before she headed over towards her ready room.

Tom silently counted to ten in his head, and when he didn't hear Chakotay offer bridge command up to Tuvok he looked around to check that his CO was still there. The first officer sat comfortably in his chair, his computer console screen up as he did work during the quiet hours of the shift. Probably feeling eyes on him he looked up and caught Tom looking round. "Problem lieutenant?"

Tom went slightly pink at having been caught staring, "no sir," he replied, turning back around to finely tune the navigation of the ship.

What felt like an hour went passed which was probably closer to five slow minutes. Tom had to turn around again, this time to catch Harry's eye. Harry shrugged as if to say he didn't have any more insight than anyone else, and they both glanced across at Chakotay to see if his facial expression gave them any clue to what was going on; it didn't.

Thinking that the silence might be the end of him, Tom felt like he finally had to say something… anything. "So," he said slowly, "anyone coming to the luau tonight in the holodeck?"

There was a short silence before Harry spoke, "I probably will… I can't think of any other use for that Hawaiian shirt you gave me."

"Good," Tom turned in his seat and asked a few other people if he would be seeing them later on that night. Ayala took a little persuading, but Hargreaves and Chell passing through to see the captain in her ready room were more than ready for another ship's party. Finally Tom looked round at Chakotay who had been busying himself with work throughout the conversation. "What about you commander?"

The first officer looked up in surprise, "pardon?"

"Will we be seeing you and the captain at the luau tonight?"

He looked back down at his work, "I'll be busy, but I don't speak for the captain, ask her yourself."

"How much work do you have that could possibly keep you away from the holodeck?" Tom pressed, ignoring the warning look Harry was trying to catch his eye with.

"You want to trade?" Chakotay threatened.

The pilot knew better than to try and play games with the ex-maquis captain, "not really… it'll just be a shame not to see you there."

Just as Tom turned back round to man his station, Chell and Hargreaves exited the captain's ready room. Chakotay stood, "Tuvok, you have the bridge," he said heading in the direction the engineers had just come from, he glanced back round at the bridge officers who were all closely watching him, "try and keep the gossiping to a minimum."

He just about heard the bridge erupt into noise as the doors closed behind him and he was left alone in the corridor, his mind in conflict over whether he should head for his own office for peace and quiet, or ask for entry to hers to receive an earful. He decided on the latter, realising that he wouldn't be able to concentrate anyway with their last disagreement still heavy on his mind.

She was sat on the sofa, looking out at the stars shooting past the window as they moved at warp. It wasn't a good sign. Finally she looked over at him as he stood by the doors of her ready room. "Is it safe to come in?" he asked cautiously.

Rolling her eyes she leaned forwards to pick up her coffee, "of course."

Taking a few steps further into her office he tried to play for time as he studied the pictures on her bookcase. She had a picture of her sister and mother standing outside a farm house, probably in Indiana. There were a couple of pictures of Noah, one recent, and one of when he must have only been a few hours old. Another picture of the Voyager in space doc, and a final still frame of a group of senior officers he assumed must have been from her first command. Finally he looked back round at her as she still studied the pictures carefully.

"When did you take down the picture of Mark?" he asked, remembering seeing a picture of her with a man and a couple of dogs early on in their journey.

"A few weeks before Noah was born," she replied blankly; he could tell she was still upset with him.

He moved from where he stood and sat beside her on the couch, careful to keep a respectful distance. "Why did you do that?"

She met his gaze, "so that no one would guess that he wasn't the father."

Chakotay tilted his head to one side, "still wish he was?"

She shook her head, "no, but if Noah had have been immaculately conceived it would have been a lot easier."

He knew she was joking and grinned mildly at her words, before his face changed to a more serious expression. "I don't care how many children we have. I love Noah, and he's enough for me."

Kathryn looked at him for a long time, "you're really okay with that? because if you're hoping I'm going to change my mind…"

"I know you're not going to change your mind," he interrupted, "I think I know you well enough to know that once you've made a decision you're stubborn enough to stick to it to the bitter end."

She smiled slightly, "I'm not stubborn, I'm just decisive."

"I know," he held up his hands passively. "Ready to join me back on the bridge?"

Voyager's captain thought about it for a moment, then closed the gap between them, "I think we can allow them to gossip about us for a little longer," she then suggestively took a hand up his thigh.

"We're on duty," he reminded her.

"It's okay," she smiled, placing her lips to his neck, "I'm the captain, I can punish you for dereliction of duty later."

/\

_Two years, seven months and two weeks- coda_

Kathryn didn't hear him at first as she lay naked against his chest, drifting off into a blissful sleep, so he found himself repeating the words. "Marry me."

She ran a hand lazily across his belly, his muscles flexing under the movement and looked up to meet his gaze, "what?"

"I want you to be my wife," he said in all seriousness.

She smiled and returned to her previous position, "good night."

"Kathryn, I'm serious."

"Uhuh."

"Is that a yes?"

Suddenly she pulled away from him and lifted her head, supported by the elbow of her arm on the mattress, "are you drunk?"

"No."

"Is this about what happened today?" she questioned further.

"Sort of…"

Rolling her eyes she rested her head on the pillow, and then closed her eyelids, shutting herself off from the world. "If you want to show commitment make a friendship bracelet or something," she suggested in an almost sleepy murmur.

"Kathryn…"

"I'm tired."

"How tired?" She felt a hand suddenly snake up her side and her eyes fluttered open.

"I guess not that tired," she grinned, now awake and alert.

"Okay," he pulled away, this time he was the one to use an elbow to prop his head up, "I think we should get married."

"I think we should have sex again out of wedlock and live a life of sin," she reminded him of the old Earth tradition before closing the small gap between them and pressing her lips to his.

He started to kiss her back, but then he remembered how they had come to such a point and he pulled back. "Kathryn, I almost lost you today, it's made me think about us, about our relationship; I don't want to be the boyfriend who spends the nights he's on good terms with you in your bed, I want to be the husband who sleeps back to back with you after an argument."

She laughed lightly, "you can sleep over after we have a disagreement if you want… and besides, who says that if we were married that I wouldn't kick you out of bed anyway?"

"Fine," he said sulkily, "if you're not going to take this seriously, then let's not bother."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," she placed her hands on his chest and tried her best to refrain from laughing, "why do you think marriage is such a good idea?"

"Haven't you been engaged twice?" he narrowed his eyes at her.

"I know," she admitted, "and it's made me think… is marriage completely necessary? Do two people really need to sign a piece of paper and go through a long ceremony to show that they're committed to one another?"

Reaching out he ran a hand through her long hair, "I don't think we need to prove anything to one another," he said his face causing her to put all jokes aside, "we both know that we love one another, and you know I don't have any intention of going anywhere without you; but I would like to show this ship how much I love you, and prove to the sceptics that this is much more than just a convenience, you're more than just my lover, and this relationship is as committed as it gets."

She grinned up at him for a long moment, "you make a good argument," she admitted as she took her arms around his neck and kissed him again.

"Is that a yes?" he asked when she pulled back.

Kathryn took a long moment in replying, and he could tell by the awkward look on her face that it wasn't to build up suspense. Finally she shook her head, "I'm sorry."

"Why not?" he placed a hand on her shoulder and forced her to look up at him and meet his eyes.

"Because," she averted her gaze briefly, "I've not exactly had the best luck with fiancés, I don't think I can do the whole engagement thing all over again."

"It will be different this time," he promised.

"How can you say that?"

He paused, not sure how he could assure her that everything would be okay this time around. "We'll get married tonight," he suggested, "forget the whole engagement thing, forget the planning, the dress, the flowers, the invites… let's call Tuvok and a couple of guests and get married right now."

"Chakotay, we can't do that," she shook off his suggestion as nonsense.

"We can."

Looking up at him she saw that he was completely sincere, and despite her reluctance to agree with him, she had to admit that he had some good points. She sighed, knowing that she was probably going to regret this in years to come when Starfleet asked her why she had been sleeping with her first officer in the first place, so she nodded. "Under one condition."

"Anything."

"We get dressed first; I don't fancy the idea of a Betazoid wedding."

He laughed, jumped out of bed and picked up his comm. badge to call Tuvok before she changed her mind. Before he opened a channel he paused for a moment, "who shall we invite?"

Climbing out of the bed herself she shrugged, "we'll go to the holodeck, and whoever we see on the way we'll excuse from duty and bring them along."

"Good idea," he nodded approvingly, "and what about Noah?"

She sighed, "I thought you were the brains of this plan." When he gave her a blank look she answered, "we'll just have to wake him up carefully."

He grinned, a goofy grin complete with dimples and wrinkles at the eyes, and she wondered if she should agree to marry him more often if it would guarantee to elicit such a response.

They had decided on casual clothing, thinking that uniforms or formal black and white were just a little too much for a last minute wedding plan. The setting they had chosen for the holodeck was one of a Hawaiian beach, the same one Tom had programmed for the luau only a few months previously, only this time without the barbecue and dancers in grass skirts. Vorik and B'Elanna were the oblivious guests who had been carrying out repair work close to the holodeck entrance when Kathryn and Chakotay had come by with Tuvok and Noah.

"Did I hear you right?" B'Elanna gave Chakotay an astonished look, "you're getting married?"

He couldn't help but smile, "yep."

She thought about questioning him over how long ago he and the captain had decided to marry, wondered whether or not she should ask if he knew what he was doing. Finally she decided to just reach forwards and wrap her arms around her best friend, knowing that when she went back to engineering later on that night, no one was going to believe her and Vorik when they said what they had been witness to.

Tuvok was the only one in dress uniform, as he stood alone on the sand, quickly trying to memorise the padd in his hand. He had been summoned to the Captain's quarters thinking that there was some kind of emergency, when he had arrived and heard about what they planned to do, he had thought they had both finally lost it; but after many minutes of intense persuasion on his captain's part he finally agreed, and told them that it would be an honour to marry them.

Chakotay stood in front of Kathryn and placed a hand on her waist, "are you sure you want to do this?" he asked once her eyes had locked with his.

She smiled, "of course."

Voyager's first officer looked across to the next in the chain of command, "Tuvok, we're ready."

The ceremony was short, but beautiful as Voyager's commanding officers declared their love for one another with the back drop of the Hawaiian ocean, their son stood on shaky legs between them, and the Vulcan security officer reading out the standard vows. In years to come Starfleet command would probably question Kathryn's decision to marry her first officer, but in those long moments as she stared into Chakotay's eyes, all she knew was that if felt right, and that would be the only explanation she'd be able to give.

_To be continued._


	7. Eat or be eaten

_Disclaimer: Voyager and its characters belong to paramount._

Chapter 7: Eat Or Be Eaten

_Two years, eight months_

As the final ball was pocketed and Voyager's pilot won the penultimate round a cheer went around the holodeck. Even Ayala who had just lost, clapped the winner on the shoulder and walked into the crowd with a smile on his face, knowing that there was a fate much worse than losing against the helmsman.

Tom was quick to realise his fate and a shiver involuntarily ran down his spine as he did so. She was sat at the bar, having been watching him lazily over a pint of beer, and for a moment there was a flicker of hope as he thought she might delay their match with another glass when she turned around and said something to Sandrine over the bar table. What looked at first like an order, he soon discovered was the placing of a bet, as the French hostess wrote something down in the book, and he heard Chakotay (who was seated on the stool beside her) utter the words: "no, I think he'll be out before then", purposely speaking loud enough for him to hear from the other side of the room.

Before he could look away, which he later wished he had have done, Tom watched his captain shoot her husband a cruel smile, "not if I make him suffer a little first." Swallowing hard he turned his attention to his cue, thinking that maybe it could do with a little more chalk.

She walked up to him from the bar in an almost seductive dance, swinging her hips just a little more than normal, taking her stride painfully slowly and keeping her eyes on his all of the time. "Are you sure you still want to play Tom?" Kathryn asked, standing on the other side of the pool table to her opponent. "You could just back out now, and we could announce the winner before anyone has to get hurt."

"Scared?"

Kathryn laughed but quickly sobered, "a little… I never like to see you cry."

"Trust me captain," he could give as good as he could take, "they'll be tears of joy."

Nodding her head to one side she took the offered cue from Neelix, "not when I've finished with you."

There was no denying that Voyager's captain was flirtatious, but they would have to invent a new word for the exchange that occurred between her and Tom Paris during a game of pool, whether it be a competition or a so called 'friendly'.

The pool tournaments had become an annual event, and there were always smaller competitions in-between whenever it was felt that the crew's morale required a boost. The smaller competitions were always fun, but Janeway never took part in them, so the winner was usually Tom if he was on good form, and people often took part in the hope of wiping the smug grin off from his face. The annual Voyager pool cup was equally as fun, but the final game which had so far always been between the pilot and captain, was always most exciting, and people watched especially to see their captain remove the cocky smile off Tom's face for anything up to three days.

Kes was standing beside Harry as they stood within the large crowd surrounding the pool table. "Ayala could have taken him," she pointed out as they both observed the two pool players set up and prowl around the table.

Harry smiled and turned to look at the ocampan, "sure, but that would have meant playing the captain."

"You think he chickened out?" she met his gaze, but with half an eye on the scene in front of them.

The ensign scoffed somewhat, "there's only two men on this ship who will take on the captain, Tom's one of them, and she's married to the other."

Kes laughed. "Do you think she'll give him any shots?" it was well known that the captain rarely missed unless it was on purpose.

"Well, she's letting him break," he noted, "and she's looking in a good mood, so she might let him pocket a couple of balls."

She nodded vaguely as no sooner had Harry finished his sentence, Tom leant forwards across the table with his cue to start the game.

Twenty minutes into the game and they were still battling away, much to the amusement of the rest of the crew who were still watching with anticipation. Chakotay had retreated to a near by table, where people had been kind enough to leave a gap for him to watch through. Tuvok was seated beside him, and B'Elanna opposite him, all three sets of eyes were glued to the captain as she announced the balls that she was about to pocket, and then proceeded to pocket them in succession.

B'Elanna turned to her best friend with a smile on her face as her captain took an unnecessary safety shot, that left Tom with a bewildered look on his face as he tried to work out how best to get out of it. "Married life to our captain must be interesting," she smirked.

Chakotay smiled easily, "I leant long not to challenge her in any kind of sport; she can get a little too competitive at times."

Tuvok characteristically raised an eyebrow, "I remember on one occasion during her first command, our ship was challenged to a race through a class three nebula. When we lost by two seconds, the then commander Janeway made the engineering crew practically rebuild the ship's aft thrusters, until their efficiency had been improved by 0.7 percent." He paused, "we won the rematch two months later."

The two maquis at the table with him grinned at the thought.

"You and the captain have known one another a long time then?" B'Elanna asked, although aware that they were friends from the beginning of their journey through the delta quadrant, she had never really considered how they knew each other, or what had caused them to form what appeared such an odd companionship.

He nodded, "I was assigned to captain Janeway's first command, and secretly ordered to observe and report back on her performance."

"So I'm not the only captain you've had to spy on?" Chakotay asked good naturedly.

Tuvok shrugged, "no. And captain Janeway was about as pleased as you were when you discovered the truth of my assignment."

B'Elanna laughed, "did you give her a good report though?"

"Far from it," he replied honestly, "I found that she was rash in making decisions. Over friendly with members of the crew. Too quick to make judgements about people who we encountered…" He glanced across at the woman who had surprisingly become a close acquaintance of his over the years. "I recommended that she not be given another command. I am glad that Starfleet ignored my recommendation, as captain Janeway has become one of the finest captains I have ever served with."

"Don't Tuvok," B'Elanna held a hand up, "you'll make me cry."

Chakotay chuckled, "I can't believe that she agreed to work with you after the bad report."

"She didn't exactly agree to have me on her next assignment… Admiral Paris didn't give her much of a choice though."

A cheer went up around the table and they both glanced across to see Kathryn smiling triumphantly. "Best of three," they heard Tom plead.

She rolled her eyes, "you sure you can take another defeat?"

"I don't intend on letting you win a second time," he set down the challenge.

"That implies that you didn't give me your best the first time Mr Paris," she picked up the chalk and took it to her cue.

"I was warming up," he explained, but no one was in any doubt that the beads of sweat running down his forehead had been from near exhaustion of possibly giving it too much effort.

"Bring it on," she accept the challenge with a wicked grin.

It didn't take long for her to thrash him, probably having sensed that it was getting late, and deciding that she would quite like to get back to her quarters sooner rather than later. Turning down the offer of best of five, she accepted back the small cup that had been replicated two years previously for the first tournament, made a small humorous speech about how good it felt to put Tom in his place for another year, and then left the holodeck with her arm around Chakotay's.

"How did you get so good at pool anyway?" he asked as they walked down the empty corridor approaching their quarters.

She shrugged, "a master never reveals their secrets."

They stopped by the doors as he entered in the entry code, "I'm sure I could get you to reveal them to me," he gave her a seductive look.

"Oh really?" she took a step inside and pulled him with her, "and how exactly do you intend to do that?"

He pressed his lips to her neck and pushed her gently against the wall as the doors closed behind them, "I have my ways," he muttered before capturing her lips with his own. Before she even knew what had happened, their clothes had become a mess scattered from the living area to the bedroom, and they were both lying naked in tangled sheets as he forgot entirely about getting any sort of information from her, and was telling her and showing her how much he loved her.

/\

_Two years, eight months and three weeks_

Kathryn sat alone in her darkened quarters as she stared out of the view port. Noah was being taken care of by Celes who she'd called only moments ago asking her not to drop off the two year old for another couple of hours. She had left the bridge sharp at the crew changeover, not wanting to stay there a minute longer than she had to. She was so mad, so angry, so furious that she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs. But years of Starfleet training meant that she sat on the couch in her quarters, as cool as a cucumber.

Hearing the doors swish open she knew that it was him, but she didn't look around.

"Computer," he sounded confused, "lights."

"Delay that," she cut in before they had even flickered into illumination.

Chakotay turned in the direction of her voice, and finally saw her silhouette against the starlight through the view port. He frowned, "Kathryn?"

"Please go."

"Is something wrong?" he made his way further into their quarters, but something about her posture made him stop after only a few steps.

"You could say that," her voice was ice.

"Is this about the Borg cube?"

She looked round in his direction, "you tell me."

"I'm sorry. I was wrong about them." He said, disappointed at himself for having been so quick to trust a people that he hardly knew, and to then have that trust just as quickly thrown back in his face. "I had no intention of going against your orders, but once they had entered me into the link I wasn't in control of my actions."

"It's not that," she said darkly.

Chakotay's gut knotted, and he had to remind himself that she didn't know, she had no way of knowing, this was about something else. "You're going to have to help me out here," his voice sounded helpless.

Kathryn looked away, his feigned ignorance only worsened her bad mood, "are you sure there's nothing you'd like to tell me about what happened on the planet's surface?"

He almost lost his breath, and struggled somewhat to regain it. "Whatever you think you know…"

"I'm not stupid Chakotay," she cut him off, "I saw those looks you exchanged during the briefing, the way you discretely touched one another, the way you looked at her; you were infatuated with her…" she paused for a moment, "you slept with her didn't you?"

"Kathryn, I didn't know what I was doing," he was quick to defend himself.

Quickly she was on her feet, "sure, that's your excuse for going against my orders and reactivating the Borg cube. But I know you were perfectly in control of your actions the entire time you were on that planet!"

"I didn't mean to hurt you," he closed the gap between them.

"And yet you did," she slapped away his hand when he tried to reach out to touch her, "why the hell did you do it?"

His jaw hung for a moment, he wasn't sure even he knew the answer to that question, "I don't know," he told her honestly.

"You don't know?" she repeated, shooting him a disgusted look, "you'd better give me a better explanation than that."

"It just happened," he realised there was no good defence for his actions, so telling her the truth was really his only option. "You know that to help me heal faster they entered me into a shared conscious with a small group. I only agreed to it because they promised me that it would only be a temporary link. What they didn't tell me was that there would be a residual sharing of thoughts, senses and emotions… Riley was there, and offered to explore them with me," he swallowed hard, "it didn't mean anything," he insisted, "I wasn't thinking straight, if I had have been then I would never have allowed it to get that far."

"Have you finished?" she asked calmly.

Chakotay realised that he was losing her, and felt powerless to do anything about it. "I'm not trying to excuse what happened," he insisted, "all I can do is promise you that this will never happen again."

"Until the next time you stop thinking straight," she shot his own words back at him.

"I don't know what else I can say Kathryn…"

She looked away, "then leave."

"Kathryn I love you," he wanted her to believe him so much, it broke his heart to think that she might not.

"That's obviously not enough though is it?"

He reached out to her, but she pulled back from him completely, and at a loss of what else to do or say he allowed his arm to drop to his side. They'd had disagreements before, he'd done things wrong before, but it had never been as bad as this. He wasn't sure if it was something she was likely to get over in a few weeks, months or even ever, one thing he knew for certain was that she would be using the incident against him for a long time to come. Deciding that there was little more that could be done or said at that moment in time he followed out her previous instruction and left.

/\

_Three years_

Chakotay sat on the floor with his son as they built up a castle from large interlocking bricks. "Where are you going to put that one?" he asked moments before the toddler started to chew the plastic, "very funny," he smiled, receiving a giggle in return.

Noah put the brick on the next layer of the wall, although it was inline this time it was placed somewhat randomly, and it was such randomness that was the cause of the many holes pitting the wall. "Very good," his attempt to be supportive sounded much more amused as Noah picked up the knights on horse back, much more eager to play out a battle than build the castle.

The doors to the quarters opened and he turned as Kathryn entered. "How are the repairs coming?"

She started to remove her jacket, "you know B'Elanna, she's got repair teams running smoothly, we should be running at maximum capacity within the next few days." Walking over to the replicater she asked for vegetable soup, "you're down on the rota by the way."

He frowned, "you didn't try and get me out of it?"

Kathryn took a sip of her soup, "she wanted to put us both down; it was eat or be eaten down there. I'm sorry," her grin betrayed her apology.

Climbing up from the floor he headed over to the replicater himself, "how's our Borg?"

She sat down at the table, "I don't want to hear any more of your 'I told you so's," she warned, "but I think just as long as we don't run into any more Borg activity for the next few months, then it might give us enough time to integrate her into our crew."

Chakotay rolled his eyes as the tea he had asked for materialised. "I'm not happy about her being onboard," he repeated many of his earlier words, "but I promise that I will _try_ and support this decision."

"You're a really bad first officer, you know that."

"How come?" he sounded offended.

Not sure whether or not it was worth giving her reasons to someone who had already heard them before she just gave him a semi-serious glare. "You constantly disobey my orders, you don't even agree with most that you go ahead with anyway, and when we do agree then I always feel like there's something wrong."

He laughed heartily, "most other captain's would say that a voice of reason like myself makes the best first officer."

"Most captain's haven't had to deal with you," she shot back, but her grin belittled the counterargument. A short silence over took the two of them as he took a sip of his tea. "Any idea how Neelix is doing?"

"A good first officer would know, wouldn't he?" he pointed out through narrowed eyes.

"So that's a 'no' then?"

"If you admit I'm a better first officer than Cravit, then I'll tell you," he decided a little bit of bribery was in order for the maintenance of his dignity.

"Sure," she shrugged her shoulders, "you're a better first officer than Cravit."

Pausing he gave her a long look, "you were fairly quick to admit that…"

"Cravit was _really_ bad. Now are you going to tell me about Neelix or do I have to go down to the mess and find out myself?"

He considered drawing the game out for a little longer, but he thought it might turn sour if he wasn't careful and so decided to just get to her point. "He's going to miss Kes, we all will, but he's keeping himself busy, you know what he's like."

She nodded then flashed her husband a brief smile, "how's Noah been this evening?"

They both looked across at their young son playing contently by himself on the floor. "He's good. Sam came over with Naomi for a few hours," he started to tell her about the afternoon, "I don't think I've spent time alone with them in a while, and it's amazing how fast Ktarain children grow; Naomi is already so much more advanced than Noah, despite the fact she's about six months younger. I always thought they might grow up almost like older brother, younger sister… but I think it's going to be more like she's the older sister." Chakotay looked back round at her and noticed that her attention had wandered off elsewhere as it seemed to so often these days. "Kathryn?" he called to her a couple of times before she noticed him.

"Sorry?"

"You looked miles away," he smiled, "if you're worrying about the ship again then don't, we've got a good crew, and with me helping out with repairs tomorrow we'll be ship-shape in no time."

A small grin tugged at her lips at his joke but she shook her head, "I wasn't thinking about the ship," she looked up at him and caught his gaze, "I was thinking about us."

He didn't do or say anything for a long moment, then he finally nodded, "what about us?"

"I want a divorce," she told him directly.

A sudden lump caught in his throat as he heard her say the words out loud for the first time. It hadn't been easy over the last three months, after having gotten over the hurdle of being unable to talk to one another they had finally started to rebuild their friendship and trust. Their disagreement over what to do with the Borg hadn't helped matters, but they had made a reconciliation a few days previously, and he had hoped it wouldn't hinder the progress they had made, hoping that they would be able to regain what they had lost.

"I don't want to lose you Kathryn," he stated, his voice almost a whisper as he felt that it was all he could manage.

She paused, "fortunately for you then, what I want and what's best for us aren't the same thing." He shot her a completely baffled expression. "To be honest, us getting intimately involved on board this ship wasn't the best of ideas, and marrying as quickly as we did has become an unnecessary complication." He could feel a but coming... "but I'm pregnant."

It felt like someone was twisting his gut she said the words. If he had have heard those words about six months ago, he would have been over the moon, but to hear them now, and to hear her insinuate that it was the only reason that she wasn't going to go through with her wish to divorce him… it wounded him in ways he didn't know he could be. "How long have you known?"

"About five weeks," she answered, "I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I've decided that I want to have his baby, and I don't want to do it alone again."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" he frowned.

"I was still too angry with you," she paused, "I still am."

Looking down he ran a hand across his face, "if you don't want to be with me, how can we possibly make this work?"

Cradling the warm soup in her hands she brought the cup to her lips, "you should move back in within the next few days, so at least we're living together when we tell the crew we're expecting a baby."

He'd been hoping for her to tell him she wanted to make another go of it for a long while now, but as she was finally conceding he only felt sick to his stomach at her proposal. "Please at least tell me that you still love me."

"Of course I do."

"Then say it."

"Chakotay…" she said in exasperation, but trailed off, with no obvious sign of intension to finish off her sentence.

He stood sharply from the table causing her to flinch somewhat at his sudden movement. "I don't know who you think you're fooling by doing this Kathryn," he leered over the table, "but this crew are going to see through this façade the minute you tell them that we're expecting a baby."

With an obvious anger he headed over towards the doors of her quarters, "where are you going?" she called after him.

The doors opened, "to pack," he explained before disappearing through the temporary opening.

_To be continued._


	8. To mourn a dream

_Disclaimer: Paramount controls Voyager._

Authors note:

No, it's not Jaffen's baby (but that gives me an idea for a workforce episode rewrite…). Yes, of course it's Chakotay's baby. As if Kathryn would ever cheat on her husband! Sorry for Chakotay's indiscretion, but when I first watched resolutions and coda, like many other people I assumed that there was something more to the JC relationship, then unity sent it all crashing to the ground so I thought if I was to stick as close to cannon as possible it was important that I include it.

Chapter 8: To Mourn A Dream

_Three years and two months (references to the episode 'Nemesis')_

Except for the gentle hum of the life force provided by the warp core running throughout the ship, and the soft sounds of breathing, it was as quiet as it got aboard a star ship. Chakotay lay beside his wife, his hand rested gently on her swollen abdomen. "Did you feel that?" she asked.

He smiled, "yeah, just about."

Kathryn was five months pregnant and showing it well. During her first pregnancy Chakotay hadn't been privy to details of how she was doing, her experiences with morning sickness, her mood swings during private off duty moments, back pain, dreams of her future child, sore feet, sudden coffee cravings, other food cravings, stretch marks… the list was endless, and he was happy to be part of it this time.

"I think it's a girl," she smiled to herself.

"You asked the doctor?" they'd already agreed that they wanted to be surprised.

"No," she reassured him, "I'm just carrying very differently, and this baby doesn't kick quite so much; it must be a girl."

"Yes," he said with a grin as he kissed her temple, "that's a very logical assumption to make."

She slapped him playfully, "you'd better apologise for that when the doctor hands you a baby girl."

"Only if it's ours," he joked.

This time he was elbowed, "okay, okay, I'll apologise if we have a daughter."

"Have you thought of names?" she changed the subject.

He shrugged, "I thought Adam might be nice, or Ben, William, Parker, Darien…"

"I'm noticing a trend with all of those names," she pointed out.

Chakotay chuckled lightly, "you don't like them?"

"They're all boys names!"

"They are?" he pretended to be surprised, "well so they are…"

"We're having a girl!" she insisted.

"Of course Kathryn," he over simplified his tone of voice, then when he received a glare he conceded with a large grin. "I hope she looks just like you." He wrapped his arm around her, and raising himself up slightly, "with your nose," he kissed the top of her nose, "and your ears," he lowered his head to tug gently at her earlobe with his teeth, "and your lips," he then proceeded to kiss her mouth, and getting caught up in the exchange he forgot to go through all of her other features he wanted their daughter to have.

"I'm going to be really disappointed you know," she said when he finally pulled back.

"How come?"

"When our daughter ends up looking just like you," she teased playfully.

He considered an appropriate response, but before he could think of a come back she was pressing her lips to his and wanting a little more than mild flirtations. In the first couple of weeks that he had moved back into her quarters, he had spent most nights on the couch, except on a few occasions where she'd asked him to join her. After a mission had gone wrong and he'd ended up spending a week on an alien planet fighting someone else's war, he had been very distressed over what he had found himself again capable of doing. She had comforted him, and they had talked properly and openly for the first time in months, then they had made love. Since that night, he could almost say that things were back to the way they were when they had first married. Almost.

There was still a distance that she forced between them. He understood that she was only trying to protect herself from the way he had hurt her before, but in doing so she was hurting him. He had to be very careful over what he said and did around her, sometimes on duty if he thought there was a better way of doing something he just kept his mouth shut to avoid a confrontation, knowing that she would blow any small thing out of proportion. He felt like a stranger in his own home, sometimes he would go back to his old quarters to take a nap, or to do some meditation, sometimes he would work a little later or rearrange their shifts so that they didn't have to spend quite so much time with one another. It was all the small things that were now different that made him wonder whether or not the pregnancy was such a great thing after all for forcing them together.

Chakotay lay beside his wife spent and breathless, and as she snuggled up against him and closed her eyes he added one more thing to the list. She no longer said that she loved him.

/\

_Three years and three months_

With Noah taking a nap and no obvious sign of Chakotay, her quarters were very quiet when she returned to them after having visited sickbay. She had assumed that her husband was on the holodeck until she saw his com badge sitting on the table and she started to second guess her assumption, as she knew he rarely left their quarters without his communications device. She found him in their bedroom, sitting cross legged on their bed, with one had on his akoohna she realised that he was in deep meditation.

His face whilst he meditated was very different to when he slept. When he was asleep he looked overly docile and often had a slight upwards twist to his lips, however, whilst he meditated, although he looked calm and relaxed, often his brows were furrowed as if in contemplation. She smiled to herself as she stood in the doorway to their bedroom, he was such a caring, gentle and passionate man, not to mention devilishly handsome, that she often wondered how she had been fortunate enough to meet someone such as him. Her thoughts were interrupted as he opened his eyes and without missing a beat looked right across at her; she instantly worried that she had disrupted his meditation.

"I'm sorry," she smiled softly, "I didn't mean to disturb you."

Her husband shook his head, "you didn't."

"I haven't seen you meditate for a long time…" she said thoughtfully, "not since before we married. Is everything okay?"

He considered telling her what his animal guide had said to him, but then thought against it, "I usually meditate in my old quarters; I didn't think you'd be back for another couple of hours." She was about to question him about why he preferred to meditate in her absence, but he interrupted her thoughts before she could. "So how's our baby?"

Kathryn was distracted and rubbed her hand absently over her swollen abdomen, "fine, it seems none of the experiments the aliens conducted on me have had any effect on the baby."

"That's great," he smiled, "and you're doing okay now?"

She entered further into the room and sat on the edge of their bed, "I'm sorry for being so snappy over the past few days, but the doctor has assured me that my hormone levels are back to normal now, so you need not worry."

He raised an eyebrow, "well, I didn't mind making up with you… you're very sexy when you're horny."

Kathryn slapped him playfully on the arm, remembering hitting on him at very inappropriate times and places, and then getting annoyed with him when he regained self control and pointed out how thin the walls of the briefing room were, or how there was very little privacy in the kitchen of the mess hall. He laughed as he climbed off the bed, "you know, you're sexier when you're mad."

"Even when I'm mad and pregnant?"

He turned around after having placed his medicine bundle in his draw and gave her a very serious look, "especially when you're pregnant."

She smiled brightly at his words, she always felt very contented with her growing size whenever he said things like that. "What about now?" she said suggestively.

Chakotay's lip quirked up wickedly, "you sure your hormone levels are back to normal?"

"Almost," she replied.

He crossed the room to her and taking her by the hand pulled her into the main living area of their quarters, "then you can wait until after dinner," he told her.

"Chakotay," she called after him as he headed into the kitchen area.

"You haven't eaten all day by my count," he pointed out as she grudgingly moved away from their bedroom doors, "our baby needs to eat even if you don't."

She stood in front of him and looked up into his dark brown eyes, he took her hands in his own and linked fingers with her before he leant down and with a grin still evident on his face he pressed his lips to hers. Sighing in defeat she pulled back slightly, although their hands were still linked, "what's for dinner then?"

"What do you have a craving for?"

"Steak," she replied, "a really big slab of meat."

"We could do a roast," he suggested.

"We?" she shook her head, "you're cooking."

"You're helping," he released her hands and walked over to the replicater, typing in his order, "you want synthahol?"

Kathryn shrugged as she walked over to the kitchen units and started to pull out various cooking implements, "red."

The raw ingredients materialised, along with a bottle of red synthahol. He managed to pick up the tray of ingredients in one hand, and coming up behind his wife placed them on the work surface, then proceeded to wrap his arms around her and place a kiss on the side of her neck. "I love you," he reminded her every so often, and wasn't surprised when she turned around in his arms and kissed him quickly on the lips before wriggling free of his hold without returning the affection.

He was reminded of what his spirit guide had only just been telling him, that forcing a relationship now was only covering over the cracks that would undoubtedly later appear. His spirit guide had suggested that they take a step back from such an intimate relationship and try to rebuild trust through a friendship, but Chakotay had argued that he wanted to be part of every aspect of his second child's life, including the pregnancy, and he knew that this was the best way to do that. He only hoped his spirit guide was wrong about their problems resurfacing, as soon as Kathryn started to admit that she loved him again, everything would go back to normal.

/\

_Three years and four months_

There was nothing. At seven months there most definitely should have been something, but there wasn't, and however hard he tried to feel for the smallest of all movements, he just couldn't. He looked across at her and forced her to look up at him before he said anything, "I can't feel anything," he stated.

She looked away, hating him for saying the words.

"Kathryn, how long haven't you been able to feel anything?" he tried to sound calm, but a small amount of panic escaped into his voice.

"She's never kicked that much," he wasn't sure who she was trying to convince.

"How long?" He was sat beside her on the couch in their quarters, his hand still resting on her belly.

"Since this morning," she answered at last.

Chakotay took a calming breath, it wasn't looking good. "Chakotay to sickbay."

"Doctor here," the response came through his comm. badge.

"I'm bringing the captain to sickbay."

-

The doctor scanned his patient thoroughly, then looked up at the two expectant parents and shook his head solemnly, "I'm sorry, there's nothing anyone could have done."

Kathryn fell into sobs and leant against her husband who stood beside the biobed. He wrapped an arm around her but didn't take his eyes from the EMH, "we've lost the baby?" he asked in disbelief.

"I'd say twenty one hours ago," he confirmed.

"How? Everything was fine the last time we came in…"

The hologram nodded, not liking to deliver the news any more then they to receive it. "I'm not sure yet, but I will be carrying out some investigations."

"It's nothing similar to what Noah had?" he questioned.

"No," he could say that with all certainty, "that's one of the first things I scanned for when I confirmed the captain's pregnancy."

"If we had have come here earlier, do you think you could have done something?" he had to know.

The truth was that he probably could have if they had have been early enough, but chances were that the baby had died during the night, and by the morning it would have definitely been too late. "Miscarriages such as this can be prevented if medical attention is received within four, five minutes, but even then it's likely your baby would have suffered severe brain damage. Under these circumstances, with no pain or bleeding, it takes the mother a while to notice that there's something wrong."

Chakotay trained his attention back to his wife who was wetting his shoulder with her tears, "I'm sorry," she said needlessly, "I thought something was wrong, but I didn't want to hear it."

He shook his head, "it's not your fault," he insisted, then pressed his lips to her forehead.

She sobbed even harder, "I wanted this baby so much."

The doctor was keeping a respectful distance, and Chakotay was grateful for that, "I know," he placed a hand on her shoulder, "I did too."

Finally the doctor stepped forwards, "the safest way to remove the foetus is to induce a premature labour," he stated in an emphatic manner.

"I don't want to do that," his wife looked up at him for support, she then looked back at the doctor, "couldn't you use the transporter?"

"It's not an emergency," he stated, "there are far too many risks associated with such accurate transportation to make me even consider it in these circumstances."

Chakotay felt her clutch his hand and looked up pleadingly at him, he saw the desperate look in her eyes but he felt himself shake his head, "I'll stay with you," he promised, then glanced over at the doctor just to check he wasn't going to object.

"I'll set up a privacy screen," he said softly, "it will only take a couple of hours."

"Chakotay," he looked back at her, "I don't want to do this."

The doctor stepped forwards, "the longer we leave it, the higher the chance of infection is," he stated, "it will be a lot easier than a normal labour."

The go ahead for treatment came more from Chakotay than it did from Kathryn, and so a privacy screen was set up, and soon he was helping his wife change into a gown and trying to sooth her as the doctor administered medication via a hypospray.

For the two and a half hours that Chakotay stood by his wife in the sick bay, he knew all of the things that he should be feeling, but he could honestly say that he felt nothing. He wasn't upset that he'd lost a child. He wasn't angry either that it had happened, especially so late in the pregnancy. He wasn't disappointed at the lost chance of being a father for a second time. He wasn't relieved that he was being released of further responsibility. And when the doctor wrapped the still born baby in a blanket before he could see it, he wasn't at all curious towards any aspect of his dead child. Then Kathryn called out to the doctor, "is it a boy or a girl?"

The doctor stopped in mid stride and turned around, "a girl," he replied solemnly.

Tears started to form in the captain's eyes, "can I see her?"

"Of course." As he took a step forwards Chakotay subconsciously took a step back.

"Are you sure that's such a good idea?" he looked down worriedly at his wife.

She looked up at him with a sorrow that he had never seen in her eyes before, "I need to do this…" she paused, now noticing his discomfort as the doctor closed the gap between them, "you don't have to stay."

He looked at her for a long moment, the EMH standing a small distance away. Although he still wasn't feeling any of those things he should have been, one thing he did feel was an unexplainable fear that caused him to shake his head, "I'm sorry," he glanced at her briefly before making his way quickly out of sick bay.

-

Four days later Chakotay sat in a dark and deserted mess hall late at night. An untouched coffee sat cold in front of him, and the work he had been planning on doing was nothing more than a blank padd. Kathryn had spent the rest of that night in sick bay before returning back to their quarters the following morning having been temporarily relieved of duty and ordered to take it easy by the doctor. She hadn't left her bed since, and every now and again he would hear her break into sobs. He had tried to comfort her at first, but when one of his comforting phrases had been 'we can try again for another baby Kathryn, it's not the end of the world' she had shouted at him, ordered him out of the bedroom and had been refusing to speak to him since. He hadn't really tried to comfort her since.

Now he sat alone, his thoughts on nothing in particular and everything all at the same time. The entrance of someone into the space didn't disrupt him from his revere at first, until that person was sitting opposite him.

"You look lost."

He smiled slightly despite himself, "I guess I am."

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"She lost the baby," he stated.

"I know," came a compassionate reply. "You're upset?"

Chakotay sighed, "I want to be, I know I should be, but how do you mourn someone who you never knew and who never even took a breath in this world?"

"You can mourn a dream."

He looked across at the man who he had seen as his enemy for many years, "I never dreamt of a family, I just assumed one day I would have one. I have a family, I have a son and a wife and I love them both very much. I never dreamt of a daughter, but I would have loved one just the same as if I had."

"So what did you dream of Chakotay?" his voice was curious.

There was a long moment for which he paused thoughtfully, "Kathryn."

A small smile spread across the other man's lips, "and are you still content with that dream?"

"We have our ups and downs," he replied honestly, then grinned at his many memories of her, "she drives me mad, but I guess somehow that centres me. Yes, I am content."

"Did she dream of this child?" Kolopak asked.

Chakotay met the eyes of his father, "yes."

"Then can you not mourn her dreams?"

Suddenly his empty heart was filled with all of the emotions he should have been feeling. Pain, anger, disappointment, relief, curiosity and sadness, came to him all at once, and without saying good bye as there was no one to say good bye to, he left the mess hall and headed hurriedly down the corridor.

Kathryn lay in an uneasy sleep which she was easily broken from at the sound of her husband entering their quarters. She closed her eyes and tried to go back to sleep knowing that he wouldn't disturb her at such a late hour even if she was speaking to him. But the light that suddenly entered into her bedroom and then left it as soon as it had flooded the grey walls caused her to turn around beneath her sheets. His silhouette could only just be made out with the minimal starlight that was provided from her window, but he stood by the foot of the bed for a short while before he said anything.

"I think I owe you an apology," he said when he was sure she was awake enough to listen to him.

There was a moments silence, "computer, minimal lights."

The room was consumed by a soft glow, and he watched as she started to sit up in their bed. She wasn't jumping up to push him out of what had become her private depression zone, so he decided to risk closing the gap slightly between them and he sat himself down on the edge of the bed opposite to her. "I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

"It is the end of the world," she reminded him of his words just a couple of days previously.

"I'm sorry for that as well," he admitted, "but I'm apologising for something else as well."

She frowned slightly, "what?"

"For doubting we were going to have a daughter," he smiled slightly, reaching a hand across to cover hers.

His wife shrugged, "we're not now, there's nothing to be sorry for."

There was a long silence, one that he eventually filled, "Scarlet."

Kathryn looked round at him with a confused expression, "what?"

"Or Emily, Kaya… Willow…" he gave off a short list, "I read a few books, and made a couple of lists, they're some of the names I would have liked to give our baby girl."

She looked up at him for a long moment, "I didn't know you were thinking of names."

He nodded, "when I had a few moments to spare."

"I like Emily," she admitted, "it was on my list as well."

Chakotay squeezed her hand with his own before closing the gap between them on the bed as he climbed further on. "I'm sorry I haven't been here for you over the past few days in the way I should have been, but you should know that I'm here for you now, just let me know what you want me to do, and I'll do it."

She looked up at him for a long moment, "can you just hold me?"

He smiled softly and nodded, then lay down beside her on the bed opening his arms to her as she snuggled up against him and rested her head on his chest. "I love you so much Kathryn," he stated before kissing her forehead.

"I know," there was a short silence, "I love you too."

He allowed the impact of her words to wash over him, the first time he had heard them in a long time, longer than he liked to think about. Soon she was asleep in his arms, and he fell asleep not long after that.

_To be continued._


	9. The captain's mask

_Disclaimer: Voyager is property of paramount._

Chapter 9: The Captain's Mask

_Three years, seven months- (references to message in a bottle)_

Chakotay entered what he thought would be a deserted mess hall with his son, only to see that there were still a couple of small lingering groups talking quietly amongst themselves, he was less surprised when he realised they were all Maquis. As he slipped into the kitchen he noticed B'Elanna sitting alone in the corner and instantly his heart went out to her; she was taking the news of the Maquis losses particularly hard, and he could tell that she was disappointed that no one had contacted her directly, even if she did pretend that she didn't care.

After he had warmed up a mug of milk he walked over to where B'Elanna was seated, Noah followed shortly behind when he realised his father had moved from the kitchen. "Hi there," he smiled softly as he sat himself down beside her on the couch.

She frowned, "it's a little late for Noah to be up," she commented.

"We've just been down the holodeck," for any other person he would have left the explanation at that, but she was one of his closest friends so he elaborated. "I'm trying to give my wife some time alone."

B'Elanna looked up, concerned, "bad news?"

He shrugged, "I'm not sure, she hasn't told me yet, but probably."

Noah climbed up onto the couch in-between them and almost as if he sensed B'Elanna's sadness he reached out to hug her. She chuckled softly as she pulled him up onto her lap, "thank you Noah, that's just what I needed."

Chakotay reached across for the mug of warm milk and handed it to his son, who took it and gingerly started to sip the white liquid. They both watched the young boy for a while, neither really wanting to start the conversation, but they both knew they had to at least say something.

"Do they know how many?" she said at last.

He was a moment in replying, then shrugged, "a lot."

"Your sister?"

"She's fine," he assured her, "she never did join the Maquis in the end, and has sent me a letter saying I was stupid to do so in the first place."

"I'd love to meet your sister if we ever get back to the alpha quadrant," she stated.

"When we get back," he corrected, "I'm sure she'd like to meet you too, I think you'd get on well, although you'd probably just end up trading embarrassing stories about me."

"But there are so many," she joked, then sobered, "does she know that you're married?"

He shook his head, "the doctor decided to omit the details of the model Starfleet captain marrying the Maquis she was sent to capture, which is probably for the best, so I think it'll be a surprise for her when we get back and she learns that not only am I married but that I have a son."

Chakotay smiled and reached out to ruffle Noah's hair, but B'Elanna paused and waited until her old friend had pulled back and looked back up at her before she made a response. "Even though he's not really yours?"

Voyager's first officer opened his mouth to say something, then seemed to change his mind and frowned, "I haven't thought of him as anything but my own son for a long while now."

"I guess he's known you as his dad since he's been able to speak," she noted, only now finding it a little odd.

He shrugged starting to feel a little uncomfortable with the conversation, "Kathryn and I have been involved since he was young, I wouldn't want it any other way."

"Did the doctor make arrangements for Noah's father to be informed that he had a son, like Sam's husband was?" she gave him a long look.

Averting her gaze he shook his head, "I don't know."

B'Elanna looked down at the small boy on her lap, "if I didn't know better, I would easily mistake him for your biological son."

Chakotay looked up sharply, not realising until too late that his shocked expression untold every lie he and Kathryn had said up until that point.

"Oh my god," she said slowly.

"B'Elanna," he glanced around the mess hall quickly and seeing that other people were still present he realised his top priority was to avoid a scene, "let me explain."

"Exactly how long have you and captain Janeway been together?" she asked as she placed Noah back onto the couch.

"It's not that simple," he attempted to tell her.

"Fuck you," she shouted, before standing and making her way to the exit.

He stood with the intention of following after her, then Noah said something to him and he remembered that he still had his son to take care of. "Ayala," he called out to one of the former Maquis who was already looking in his direction, "can you take care of Noah? I just have to go and calm B'Elanna down."

The bridge officer nodded, needing no further explanation as B'Elanna was well known for her mood swings, and most people agreed Chakotay was best at dealing with her.

"B'Elanna," he called after her as he caught a glimpse of her turning around a corner, but she didn't stop so he ran to catch up with her. "B'Elanna," he called again, this time closing in on her, but she still refused to turn around. When he was close enough he grabbed her arm, which was almost a mistake as she harshly shook off his hand and turned around to growl at him.

"We thought that you knew what you were doing, we trusted you to do what was best for us Maquis, but you were sleeping with her all of that time; you were only doing what was best for you!" She shouted, not caring who heard her.

For some reason her words angered him and his jaw set, "we stayed on Voyager because they needed us and we needed them."

"But you were sleeping with her," she interrupted.

"Not back then I wasn't," he insisted.

"Then use whatever play on words you want to Chakotay, the fact remains that you're not denying Noah is your son," she pointed out, "and I mean biologically before you give me all the crap about how you've decided to raise him like your own son."

Voyager's first officer ran a hand through his hair, the corridor wasn't his preferred place for a conversation like this, but no one was around so he guessed it would have to do. "The caretaker impregnated Kathryn with my child," he stated.

She looked at him for a long moment, then laughed, "you had me going for a second there, do you really expect me to believe that?"

"Yes," he let out a long breath, "because it's the truth; I didn't even find out until she was five months pregnant, and only because the doctor told me. Kathryn had no intention of telling me that I was the biological father, and when I did find out, she made it perfectly clear to me that she didn't want me to have anything to do with him."

"Why not?" although she wasn't sure whether or not she believed him she did find herself wanting to hear all of his story.

"Because she knew that this would happen," he sighed and relaxed his shoulders when he realised that she wasn't going to make a bolt for it. "The Starfleet Maquis balance on this ship was so fragile that she worried if anyone found out about me being Noah's father that it might further the divide."

"Is that the truth?" she gave him a piercing look.

He rested a hand on her upper arm, "do you really think that captain Janeway would sleep with a random Maquis leader just to ensure loyalty to herself?"

"No," she replied at last, "but you could have told _me_!"

"Would you have been so quick to understand back then?"

Slowly she shook her head, "I guess not."

Chakotay paused and pursed his lips before continuing, "can you keep this just to yourself?"

"Of course," she shrugged, "but don't you ever plan on telling the rest of the crew?"

There was a long pause from the older man and eventually he shook his head, "maybe," he replied, "I should probably get back to Noah though now."

"Chakotay," she said just as he turned to go.

He looked back at her to see her closing the gap between them as she wrapped her arms around his neck, "congratulations," she said once she had pulled away, alleviating the baffled expression across the commander's face.

His face broke into a smile, "thank you."

-

It was a while later that Chakotay returned to his quarters with a sleeping Noah held in his arms. His wife looked up at him from the couch as he entered, and they exchanged a brief smile as he walked directly through to their son's bedroom. Having changed the boy into his pyjamas and tucked him in for the night he re-emerged from the small room to see Kathryn still sprawled out across the couch, her head turned and eyes gazing out to the stars.

He made his way over to her and sat down beside her, laying an arm across the back of the couch and turning his body slightly to face her. He reached out a hand to cover her own that she was resting on her knee and gripped it loosely, running his thumb over the back of her hand. She responded by turning around to face him, and after a moment their eyes met. "I received a letter from Mark," she said at last.

He nodded, but didn't say anything, allowing her to tell him in her own time.

"He became engaged to a woman who he's working with a couple of months ago," she stated.

He was a moment in responding, but then squeezed her hand, "it's good to know he's moved on."

She looked up at him, "it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty."

"About what?" he frowned.

"About us," she replied honestly, "Mark was so apologetic in his letter, but here I am, married to you, raising a son that could have been his… three years ago I was still making plans to marry that man, I just can't help feeling that I've betrayed him in some way."

"You've moved on like he has," he tried to reassure her, "you haven't betrayed him."

Kathryn looked down, "I never loved him like I love you," she said quietly.

Chakotay smiled softly at her words, then slowly took her hand fully into his own and brought it up to his lips. He watched her face, her eyes still fixed down into her lap, and emotions playing across her face. He kissed the back of her hand gently, then turned it over and brushed his lips against her palm, making a trail of kisses up to the front of her wrist. Before he could make any further advances though she pulled her hand free of his grasp, and again turned away from him to fix her eyes on the stars.

For a long while he watched her, and slowly realised that she had no intention of telling him anything else that was on her mind. Inwardly he sighed and glanced at the chronometer, it read twenty two hundred, he knew he had to be on duty by eight hundred hours the next morning and reasoned with himself that he should probably go to bed. He looked back across at his wife, her chin now rested on the fist she had made of her hand, her wedding ring sparkling in the light. Unconsciously he touched his own gold band, and twisted it round on his finger.

"When are you coming to bed?" he asked.

"I'm not sure," she answered, "I've got some work to do."

He paused, he knew she was lying, if she really did have work to do she would have been doing it now rather than sitting staring out of the view port.

"Is there anything else on your mind?" he pressed.

Finally she looked across at him, "what do you mean?"

Chakotay shrugged, "you've been a little distant these past few months," he pointed out.

Something close to anger flashed across her eyes before it disappeared, "you mean since I miscarried our daughter I haven't been having sex with you?"

He let out a long breath, now regretting having brought it up, "I will wait until whenever you're ready," he assured her, "if it's time that you want. But if it's something that I can do, or that maybe the doctor…"

"I'm fine," she cut in.

"Are you worried about getting pregnant again?" he asked, trying his best to ignore her snappy tone.

"I said I'm fine," she gave him a cold glare that really did make him feel uncomfortable.

There was only so much of her pushing him away that he could handle in one night, and he was coming close to his limit, "okay," he backed off, "you'll probably wait until I'm asleep before you come to bed," he reminded her of what had become customary now in their relationship, "so I'll see you in the morning."

He walked off in the direction of their bedroom, and as predicted didn't see her again until he found her sleeping beside him the next morning.

/\

_Three years, eight months_

There were a tense few minutes on the bridge as they all waited nervously for B'Elanna to report to them. Finally, the bridge lit up as they came off emergency power and Kathryn's badge chirped as a com link was opened from engineering. "The warp core is back online," the engineer reported.

Everyone on the bridge visibly relaxed, then they heard Harry's voice from engineering, "ninety seven percent, ninety nine, one hundred and one," they could actually hear his smile as he paused, "captain, warp core efficiency has been improved by four percent."

Turning to face Chakotay the commanding officers exchanged a smile, "well done," she praised, her com badge still active.

"I recommend that you wait four point five three minutes before starting up engines," they then heard the stoic voice of Seven, "I will need some time to confirm that the Borg technology has been properly integrated into the ship's systems."

Kathryn nodded to herself and out of the corner of her eye saw Tom turn around from his station and shoot her an annoyed look; he hated leaving Voyager adrift. Ignoring his obvious discomfort at not having control of the ship she turned to her first officer, "I'm going down to engineering to see how they're doing," she explained as she stood from her chair.

To her surprise he stood also, "I'll come with you," he said, and before she could protest he looked over at the chief of security, "looks like you have the bridge Tuvok."

Tuvok nodded solemnly, and handed over control of his station to another officer as they walked passed him and entered the turbo lift.

"Engineering," she instructed the computer once the doors had closed, then without looking around at Chakotay who was stood beside her she asked: "any particular reason you've decided to come with me?"

He shrugged, "I want to be able to pull you out of there as soon as it looks like you're starting to get on B'Elanna's nerves."

She raised an eyebrow and turned to meet his gaze, "I never get on B'Elanna's nerves."

Chakotay grinned, "any inspection from the captain is nerve racking," he explained, "you also have a habit of staying longer than necessary in engineering, and seeing as B'Elanna hasn't had sleep for twenty four hours, and has been forced to work with Seven for the past few days… I don't want things turning nasty."

"Do you think it was a mistake to make those two work together?" she asked.

He was about to say that it had been a mistake to allow the Borg drone to stay aboard Voyager, but decided that it was probably best to keep that particular opinion to himself. About to say instead that they had to learn to work with each other sooner or later, his words were cut short as the lights flickered and then cut out completely before the turbo lift suddenly shook, throwing them both against the wall. It didn't take either of them too long to work out that the turbo lift had stopped. Kathryn slapped her com badge, "Janeway to the bridge, report?"

It was Tuvok who replied, "the warp core has shut down, I am certain as to why."

"Emergency power?" she asked, aware of Chakotay moving around in the darkness.

"Online, but there has been a severe power loss."

"B'Elanna to Janeway," the transmission was interrupted.

"Go ahead B'Elanna."

"There has been an integration problem with the Borg technology," she sounded as if she was hurriedly moving about, "there was an explosion on deck nine, we had to shut down the warp core to prevent damage from an energy back flow, emergency power was used to contain the explosion as soon as we noticed the build up. I'm heading down there now with Seven to re-establish a connection."

"How long with that take?" Kathryn asked.

There was a short pause, "an hour or so," came the reply, "we're having to get there by foot because turbo lifts are down."

"I'm aware of that," she said through gritted teeth, "I'm in one right now."

"Oh," it was a moment before she replied, "I'm afraid that you're going to be there for a while captain."

"Is transport not possible?"

"Not with the power shortage, Harry is prioritising systems, I'm afraid transporters aren't one of them."

She sighed, "let me know of your progress."

"I will," came the reply before the communication was ended.

Chakotay was now sat beside her in the pitch black space, "so much for warp core efficiency."

"Don't say it," she leaned back against the wall.

"Say what?" she could almost feel him smiling.

"That you warned me about using the Borg technology."

He laughed, "I guess 'I told you so' isn't really going to help anything right now is it?"

She rolled her eyes, "not really."

Suddenly the lights in the turbo lift again flickered and they found themselves bathed in the soft glow of emergency illumination. "It seems that Harry has prioritised lighting," he commented.

Kathryn squinted a little as her pupils became accustomed to the change, "he could have at least made one, small, site to site transport."

Chuckling lightly, he shuffled a little closer to her, "it can't be so bad being stuck alone in a turbo lift with me," he said suggestively, leaning down to place his lips to her neck.

There was barely a chance for his lips to make contact with her skin as she pulled away, leaning her body to one side until he had moved back, at which point she returned to her previous position, leaving him feeling somewhat rejected. "We're on duty," she reminded him.

"We're stuck in a turbo lift," he pointed out, "and likely to be here for some time…"

"The doesn't automatically mean we should have sex," she snapped.

"I wasn't…" he was about to say that hadn't been his intention, but he cut himself short, "I'm sorry."

She looked away from him, and getting the message he moved further away from her and sat back against the wall of the turbo lift, preparing to endure what would no doubt be a very long and uncomfortable silence.

Half an hour passed and they still hadn't spoken to one another. She would occasionally ask the computer for the time, or contact the bridge for an update, but other than that, it was the only occasion that she said anything. Chakotay was sat with his eyes closed, head leant back against the wall half in meditation but unable to enter fully into one that he was used to experiencing without the help of his akoohna. Unable to fully centre his thoughts, he was constantly aware of a very agitated Kathryn Janeway sitting close by him, tapping her fingers in a repetitive and obviously frustrated fashion.

Opening an eye he looked across at her, trying to decide whether or not to air the thoughts that had been plaguing his mind the past few weeks. He realised that if he was ever to bring up the topic, this was the best opportunity that he had ever been given, as it was the one time where she didn't have the option of avoiding him, by walking off or hiding herself away in her office from him.

"It's not about the miscarriage anymore is it?" he asked at last.

Her head shot round sharply, and a confused expression consumed her face, "what isn't?"

Shrugging he shifted uncomfortably under her gaze, "you're pushing me away, and I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that we lost our baby."

"Is this about sex?"

"No," he quickly interjected, "this is about you working late, missing dinner, spending most of your time in your office in preference to the bridge… you don't let me touch you, you won't speak to me, and I'm finding it hard to speak to you," he paused and took a long breath, "I get the feeling that you're avoiding me, that you don't want to be with me any more."

"Chakotay, I love you," she told him, thinking that it might be enough to quell his worries.

It wasn't enough though, and he felt he had to press the issue further, "I'm not questioning that," he assured her, "but things haven't been right between us for a long while. Not since we were in Borg space, or before then with our previous Borg encounter…" he decided not to go into details. "We were able to pretend that things were okay when you were pregnant, but I think we both know that the pretence has come to an end."

"I just need some more time," she insisted, "I've forgiven you for the affair, I know that it's not something you would have normally done had you been thinking straight. It's taken me a while, but I do trust you again."

"It's not just about trust though," he sighed, wondering how to put his feelings into words, "our relationship isn't what it used to be, I think we both need some time to figure out how we should continue."

She shot him a small smile, "I agree."

Although she may have agreed, he wasn't sure she completely understood what he was suggesting, "I think we both also need some space."

A frown consumed her face, "what do you mean by space?"

"Some time apart," he elaborated, "maybe I should move out for a while back into my old quarters."

"A separation?" she interpreted.

"No," the word sounded too defeatist, but he realised that was probably what it really was, "we'll just live apart for a short while until we can figure out a way to recover our marriage."

"You're giving up," she stated.

"I'm not giving up," he was quick to counter, "you know this is for the best."

"We're still going to see each other every day on the bridge," Kathryn reminded him, "I don't see how that fits in with your idea of us having some time apart."

He sighed, she had a point. "I know, but I'd like to think that we can keep our personal and professional lives separate from each other."

"You know it hasn't worked out that way," she snapped, "our arguments on the bridge end up in our quarters, and our personal disagreements disrupt our duties."

"I think that's part of our problem," he said, his bottom jaw set as he struggled to make her see his point of view.

"A problem you assured me we wouldn't have before we got married," she reminded him, her voice rising as her anger started to get the better of her.

Folding his arms he turned away from her, "I guess I was wrong."

"If you move out, don't expect me to take you back," she threatened.

"Then don't expect me back," he replied harshly, refusing to meet her angry gaze.

Wanting to yell at him, and to hurt him as he was hurting her it took her a while to realise that the turbo lift was again moving. "Bridge to Janeway," it was Tuvok.

She was a moment in replying as she stood from the floor and composed herself, "go ahead."

"The turbo lift should now be working," he stated.

"It is," she confirmed, "that was faster than I expected."

"Apparently Seven was quick to diagnose and rectify the problem," he explained.

Glancing across at Chakotay who was now standing she replied, "I'll have to thank her later," before she cut the com link.

The doors opened and she stepped out, but Chakotay didn't follow and she shot him a questioning look as if to ask why. "I'll go back up to the bridge," he said quietly.

Kathryn nodded, reluctantly realising that they would have to finish their conversation another time. She watched the doors close between them and soon found herself alone in the corridor. Taking a moment to clear her mind of the problems concerning her marriage and pulling on the captain's mask she turned away from the doors of the turbo lift and headed for engineering.

_To be continued._


	10. Disaster on hold

_Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and its characters._

Authors note:

This chapter has taken me for ever to write! For some reason the ending never felt right, so I kept rewriting it, and many hours later I'm still not completely satisfied, but it's as good as it's going to get so please don't ask me to make any alterations… I need sleep. Anyway, I'm a little worried that you're all going to come after me with knives at the end of this, so just remember that I do have a master plan, and that in time it will all come together. I promise.

Chapter 10: Disaster On Hold

_Three years, nine months- The killing game_

Kathryn Janeway lay back in her bed acutely aware of the sunlight streaming through the bedroom window. Hands ran all over her naked body and open kisses were placed over every part of her cream white skin, eventually forming a trail that led up to her neck, then up to her jaw line… she pulled away before he met her lips. As she sat up and pulled the sheets back he slumped back against the mattress and watched her with vague annoyance as she swung her legs down to the floor.

"We don't have to be up for another hour or so," he reminded her.

"I want to take a shower," she stated without looking at him.

The last night had been their first night together, and he realised that for whatever reason she was feeling ashamed by what had happened. "Come back to bed," he pleaded, "we can take a shower together later."

She didn't answer, so he took a stab at what, or who was bothering her. "You called out a name last night," he reminded her, "'Chakotay'. Who is he?"

Slowly she turned around to face the man in her bed and met his eyes with her own, "my husband," she explained.

"Expecting him back?" he asked with a quirky grin.

"Not right now," she replied honestly, vaguely aware of how strange this conversation was, "we're separated."

"Then what's the problem?" he frowned.

She gave him a long look, "I still love him."

He looked up at the ceiling for a moment, "does he still love you?"

Kathryn reached out for her dressing gown and stood up, "I don't know," she answered honestly, remembering the way that Chakotay had announced he was moving back into his old quarters a month previously, and the argument that had followed. Shaking off the memories she pulled on the holographic garment and made her way over to the ensuite bathroom door, the stranger in her bed was gone by the time she got back.

-

Chakotay sat in his office reading through the reports of the latest incident aboard Voyager when the door chime sounded. "Enter," he called out, putting the padd down to one side. It was Tom Paris. "What can I do for you Tom?"

The lieutenant entered further into the space and held out yet another padd, "the captain wanted me to give you this; I think it's the brief for tomorrow morning."

He held out a hand to accept the padd and was about to say goodbye and thank Tom when he saw the younger man take a seat opposite him. "Anything else?" he asked cautiously.

"I just wondered why the captain couldn't bring you the brief herself," he folded his arms and leant back in his chair.

Chakotay shrugged, "I guess she's busy."

"She was sat on the bridge chatting to Tuvok when I left to come in here," he stated, "and they weren't talking about ship business."

A small grin crept across the first officer's face, "did you tell the captain that she could walk over here and deliver the padd herself?"

Paris almost slipped out of his seat in shock at such a suggestion, "and risk being placed in a torpedo launch hole and fired out of the ship?"

Chakotay laughed, "and what makes you think I'm not going to do that same?"

"Because, by my count, you still owe me your life," it was a reminder of when Tom had rescued him back on the ocampan home world.

The older man just smiled and shook his head, "I saved you from the maquis on this ship many times during the first few months out here, if anything, you owe me!"

"Okay, whatever," Tom held up a hand in defeat, "that's not the reason why I'm here."

"Then please get to the point." Although Chakotay's voice was still the calm and mellow tone that it usually was, there was a little more of an edge to it now.

The pilot sighed, "remember when you and the captain announced that you had gotten married to the rest of the crew?"

"Just about," he said cautiously.

"And you promised us that you would always put the ship first, and that you would do your best not to allow anything that may happen in your personal lives to interfere with your duties?"

Chakotay was starting to see what Tom was getting at, "right…"

"Well you're kind of breaking that promise," he stated. The first officer opened his mouth to retort, but Paris decided to cut him off before he could make a response. "I don't know what you and the captain are going through, and that's none of my business, but as a member of this crew it is my business to point out that you're allowing your relationship with the captain to interfere with your duties."

There was a long moment that followed in which neither man said anything, and Tom started to wonder if he should have just followed Harry's advice and kept out of it. Then finally his commanding officer slumped back in his chair and gave him a tired look, "I pressured her into a relationship Tom, she told me it wouldn't work and so I promised her it would. I countered her argument that as the ship's commanding officers a relationship would undermine our duties, and somehow I convinced her to marry me. Now I'm the one backing out and she's just too mad at me to see that everything she predicted has come true… Don't you think I've tried?"

"Then try harder," Tom said insistently, "this ship is falling apart, and you're to blame."

"It's not as simple as that," he felt angry, but his voice sounded closer to exhausted.

"I know," the pilot agreed heatedly, "you had an affair, undermined her orders on one too many occasions and lost your baby, it's sad, but you have to move on one way or another."

"How dare you," he warned and leant forwards ever so slightly in an effort to intimidate the pilot, "you have no right to bring that up."

Tom didn't even batter an eyelid, however he wasn't stupid enough to stay any longer to further provoke his commander, so slowly he stood from his seat. "It seems that no one else on this crew wants to tell you this, so it seems I'm going have to. You have to find a way to make your marriage work, because otherwise there's no way to make your command work." His words had a note of finality to them as he stood to exchange a final look with Chakotay then turned and exited the office before he could be throttled.

-

There were many thoughts and emotions that flickered across Chakotay's face when he opened the doors to his quarters to come face to face with Kathryn, he settled on surprise, then when he saw her own expression he jumped to worry. "Is everything okay?" he frowned, "nothing's happened to Noah?"

"No, Noah's fine" she reassured him, and then he realised she looked a little anxious which was a rare state to see Voyager's captain in, "we need to talk. Can I come in?"

If he had have said he wasn't flabbergasted at her sudden willingness to talk to him he would have been lying, and the only word that made it to his lips was, "sure," as he stepped to one side of the door.

Kathryn entered into her husband's quarters, taking a look around the place she hadn't stepped foot into for over a year since she helped him to pack his things to move in with her. To her disappointment she realised that he looked settled in the place; she had been silently hoping that he was still living out of boxes, that maybe he only saw them living separately as a temporary arrangement until they could work things out.

"Take a seat," he instructed when he saw her standing around awkwardly.

She shot him a short smile, wondering when they had grown so distant that they no longer felt comfortable in one another's presence, and sat herself down on his sofa, watching as he took a seat opposite her in his armchair.

"So what did you come here to talk to me about?" he asked, deciding to let her take the lead on this one.

From her long pause he could tell that she was feeling very reluctant to confront the topic, but he knew that it had to be her that raised it, as there was no other way of settling it with her. She looked awkward for another moment, then he saw her face suddenly flick into a forced confidence as she met his eyes, "I wanted to know whether or not you have any plans on moving back into my quarters."

He looked at her for a short moment, her words unexpected. He got the distinct feeling that either she was trying to edge around the subject of their relationship, or had just come to his quarters to be malicious, he knew she wasn't totally above stooping to such a level. "What?" he frowned, still not sure of the relevance of her enquiries.

"I've been finding your things all over the place over the past four weeks," she explained, her expression now giving away very little, "I want to know whether I should bring them all over here, or if I should just wait until you've finished making your point."

Chakotay had to force himself not to jump up from his seat at her last sentence, "and what point do you think I'm trying to make?" he asked quietly instead.

"That your unhappy, that I'm not being the wife you want me to be, you want more shore leave, you're fed up with me using up replicater rations on coffee…" she shrugged, "I'm really not sure what point you're trying to make."

"How about: our marriage isn't working, and I'm fed up with you ignoring that fact," he folded his arms.

"You want a divorce?" she tempted him.

"No," he gave her the expected answer, "but I want you to tell me why we shouldn't."

He tried his best not to grin when he saw her face suddenly drop as he rolled the ball into her court, and she was forced to choose between winning the argument or saving her marriage. "We have a son together," she reminded him.

It was a lame reason and they both knew it. "So?"

"So tell me what the hell I'm doing wrong!" she suddenly snapped.

Their eyes locked, hers angry and afraid, his tired and lonely from the fight. "You have to forgive me," he said at last.

"For what?"

"For Riley Frasier," he told her, "for turning this ship around in the face of the Borg, for getting you pregnant," he paused, "and for making you love me."

Kathryn opened her mouth, about to tell him that he was being stupid, that she had long ago forgotten about Frasier and the Borg, that she had wanted the child just as he had, and that her love for him was inevitable. She stopped herself and again met his penetrating gaze, "if you can forgive me."

He frowned, he couldn't think of anything he had to forgive her about. Anything she had wronged him about over the years he had already forgiven and forgotten; he wasn't one to carry a grudge. "There's nothing I need to forgive you for."

"We slept together on the holodeck," she blurted out, "whilst we were living out the lives of people in the Hirogen's version of the second world war… I'd already gotten my memories back, but you were still brainwashed."

Chakotay looked at her for a long moment, unsure what to make of her words, unsure that he'd even heard her right. He wasn't able to remember any of what had happened during the holodeck scenarios, all he did remember was suddenly becoming aware of the French surroundings of the simulation before finding himself fighting the Hirogen for control of the ship. In the three days since then he had noticed that Kathryn was more distant towards him than what had become normal, and had been actively avoiding him since, but he had never suspected that anything might have happened. Finally he looked back round at her, "get out."

"Chakotay…" she reached out to him.

He stood before she had a chance to place her hand on him, and took some steps to give them some distance, feelings of hurt and betrayal coming close to overwhelming him, "please leave."

Under his angry glare she suddenly felt very threatened, and although he had never hurt her and she was sure he never would, she knew that he was using every ounce of self control to prevent himself from chucking her out of his quarters. She stood and made her way over to the doors, turning around just before she exited to she him with his back to her, gripping tightly onto the back of a chair, she didn't stay long enough to find out what he did next.

/\

_Three years, ten months- Unforgettable_

A long silence followed after Chakotay had handed the padd to Voyager's captain, and as he patiently stood in front of her desk waiting for her response, he realised the longer it took her to respond the worse the outcome would be for him. Finally she tilted her head to one side, and shifted her eyes to meet his, she frowned, "and this is?"

"My resignation," he informed her.

Slowly she nodded and calmly rested the padd on her desk, she straightened her posture and put her hands together on her lap. "Do you plan on leaving the ship… with Kellin?"

He looked shocked, "no, and no," he answered quickly and reassuringly, "I can't remember what happened with Kellin, and I can't remember falling in love with her like she claims, whatever happened, this has nothing to do with that."

"Then what is this about?" she asked, a hint of anger finally making it into her voice despite her calm exterior.

"This is about what's best for the ship," he replied, "our relationship has been interfering with our duties for too long. You only selected me as your first officer four years ago to keep the peace between our two crews; I think it's time for me to hand over the reins to Tuvok like you should have done a long time ago."

Kathryn continued to look at him, the setting of her jaw telling him that she wasn't going to allow him to leave her office until he either withdrew his resignation, or convinced her that it was the right thing to do. "And what position would you take instead?"

"There would be an opening for security chief," he shrugged, "I probably wouldn't be as… efficient as Tuvok, but I know my way around tactical and I'm confident I could…"

"No," she interrupted him.

He met her gaze with a soft expression, "Kathryn, you know this is the right thing to do for the ship."

"Not for me," her words surprised him and he watched as she stood from her desk and quickly crossed her office to the view port. She stood with her back to him for a long while as he waited for her to explain herself, finally her shoulders sagged and she placed a steadying hand against the wall. "I need you Chakotay," she said at last, her voice nothing more than an unintentional whisper.

"Kathryn… of course I will always be here for you," he let out a sigh, "I don't know if we can make our marriage work, but if it's to stand a chance, we need to do this."

"I don't need you in my bed," her head shot round sharply, "I need you on the bridge, sat beside me!" She realised that she was allowing her anger and frustration towards him to get the better of her and so she took a long calming breath, "of course I _want_ our marriage to work, but this ship and crew takes precedence over what I want… we started commanding this ship out here together, and I can't do this without you Chakotay."

"I'm still going to be here," he insisted, "just not as your first officer."

"I'm not accepting your resignation, so you can return to duty commander."

He looked at her for a long moment, "is that it?"

She frowned, "is what it?"

"Does it not concern you that this crew is suffering because our command team isn't working from the failure of our marriage?" he gave her a desperate look, "it seems that we can't work together, and apparently you can't work without me."

"Maybe a mutiny is in order," she suggested sarcastically.

"Maybe it would be if you weren't such a good captain," he countered.

"I'm only a decent captain because of you," she tried again to explain, this time only to receive a baffled expression from her husband. "You're the only one who will argue with me, tell me honestly when I'm being selfish or disregarding what's best for Voyager, I trust you completely with this ship when I'm not on the bridge, and most importantly I feel I can discuss anything with you."

"Just not our relationship," he ended for her.

She looked across at him, her mask slipped for a moment as he caught her off guard with a personal comment, and for a nano second he caught sight of the worry, stress, pain and guilt that she had been subject to experience since they had become stranded in the delta quadrant. It was on rare occasions like this when he was again reminded of the true pressure of her command, and also of his promise to do whatever it took to lighten that burden. Inwardly he sighed, although he didn't regret his promise, it did make him realise that if his assistance in her command was what she needed, then there were no two ways about it and he may have to make the choice to sacrifice their marriage for their command.

"Fine," the mask came back up and she made her way over to her sofa and sat herself down, crossed her legs and folded her arms, "let's discuss our relationship."

Her snappy tone did not go unnoticed by him, and despite his uncertainty over how genuine her offer to talk was, he decided that it was as good an offer as she had ever given him. "Okay," he said at last.

"Any particular place you'd like to start? Or shall we just skip to your most recent affair?" she suggested, her voice still clipped.

"We're separated," he reminded her, "Kellin was probably just my way of getting back at you after the way you used me on the holodeck."

"I said I'm sorry for that," she said quietly, not wanting to be reminded of it any further.

"I'm still not sure if I should consider it an affair with another man, or just another night I'm never going to remember, like Kellin. Either way, I feel betrayed by you," he admitted, "but I've already started to forgive you… maybe that's why I couldn't fall for Kellin a second time around."

"When's she going back?" she changed the topic slightly.

"Her ship will arrive for her in two hours," he informed her, then let out a long breath. "Kathryn, I didn't move out because I didn't want to be with you, or because I want to see other women. I did it because you needed to think about what you really wanted from our marriage. I wish I could give you more time, but I think we have to start making some decisions now before we tare this ship apart. What do you want from me?"

"What we had on New Earth," she replied honestly, "but realistically all I can have is your friendship Chakotay, I think we both know that this relationship isn't working and we need to find a compromise that will work."

It took him a moment to process what she was saying, for he had half expected her to ask him to move back into her quarters, to again be the husband that she had married, and to be the father that he had been becoming. "And you think that abandoning our marriage and settling on a friendship is the compromise that we need?"

"Yes," she said simply.

He paused for a moment to think and ran a hand through his hair before finally looking across at her, "it's not like you to give up."

A small smile made it to her lips, "I'm not giving up on this marriage, I'm just putting a disaster on hold."

He nodded, "I'm not ready to give up either… I love you too much. "

"I love you too," it wasn't a confession, more of a reminder.

Chakotay smiled softly, his dimples almost melting her, "if we weren't on Voyager…"

"It would be a lot easier," she finished for him.

"You make it sound like this is it."

"It kind of is."

He paused for a short time as her words sunk in, "for now anyway." The conversation trailed to a comfortable end, and a weird sort of resolution had been reached. "I'd like to withdraw my resignation," he announced.

She smiled, "what resignation?"

_To be continued_


	11. By design not fault

_Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, Voyager is not mine, but I own all of the DVD box sets, so I think that's got to count for something!_

Chapter 11: By Design Not Fault

_Four years and one month- Night_

Surprisingly his entry code still worked, and the doors easily slid open. The bright lights from the corridor flooded the darkened space, so that the room looked alive with silhouettes. His shadow fell on the floor, and grew larger as he made his way into the door opening to take a quick glance around her quarters. As always it was tidy with everything in its place, the smell of coffee lingered heavily in the air and a fresh vase of flowers on the book case; but she was nowhere to be seen.

Chakotay had buzzed for entry five times, and waited patiently between each buzz, but he had grown with worry in every second that had passed, and eventually he felt there was no other option than to enter without her permission. He ordered lights to a minimal level, and crossed the floor space in the direction of what had once been their bedroom. She was there, lying on her bed, shoes off, jacket on the chair but still wearing most of her uniform. Her hair was a mess on her pillow, but her face was drowned in darkness as she lay with her back to the door.

Kathryn didn't turn when her bedroom doors opened, he only hoped that the reason was because she was sleeping. He considered checking her pulse, but worried about waking her if she was taking nothing more than a nap, so in the dim light from the living area he make a quick inspection with his eyes for any hyposprays or pills that she may have taken, he was alarmed to see both on her bedside cabinet.

"Is there something you want commander?" she turned on the bed to face him; he didn't think she had been asleep.

"What have you taken?" he asked.

She lay on her back, and he could just about make out her tired and worn out face in the darkness as she met his gaze, "I'm not sure," she said vaguely, "something for the depression, and something to help me sleep. You'll have to ask the doctor if you want drug names."

"So they're prescription?" he wanted to make sure.

"What do you think?" she closed her eyes and raised a hand to her forehead.

"I'm worried about you," he said after a beat.

She sighed, already tired of the same conversation she had had with him every day for the past two weeks. "It's just my process," she explained, "I don't criticise your meditations."

"They don't go on for weeks," he was quick to point out, "…this isn't healthy Kathryn."

"Please Chakotay, just leave me," her voice sounded almost desperate.

"When can I tell the crew to expect you back?"

She sighed and he remembered the many answers she had given him over the past few weeks. At first her response had been that she would be back on the bridge in a few days. After the days had ticked by she had told him that she didn't know. Then she had spent some time averting his question with a shrug or a change in topic. Now she was resorting to sarcastic or comic comments, and she wasn't about to let him down. "Sometime between now," she paused to leave him some time to guess what she was to say, "and when we get back to Earth."

"I'll divert any transmissions from Starfleet command to your quarters then shall I?" he asked dryly.

"Only if they're important," she returned the jibe.

Expecting him to leave at that she closed her eyes and waited for the sound of doors closing, it didn't come though. Her eyes shot open to see his shadow still standing in the door frame. She frowned, wondering if he was going to give her another lecture, but it didn't seem as if he was bracing himself for one. Then she noticed something in his hand, it took her a while to realise that it was a piece of paper. "Is there anything else?" she asked.

He realised that she had noticed what he was holding, and for a brief moment he considered not giving it to her, of just leaving her quarters and allow her to wonder what it was. But he remembered his promise to pass it on to her and so he nodded, "Noah wanted me to give you this," he explained, holding up the card.

For a long moment she looked at what was held in his hand, wondering whether or not to accept it. "Leave it on the dining table," she said at last, much to her first officer's disappointment.

Allowing his hand to drop back to his side he let out an audible sigh, "he's been asking after you; he doesn't understand why he's not living with you."

"You always said that you wanted to spend more time with him," she avoided a direct answer.

"He misses you."

"He said the same about you when you moved out."

"You haven't seen him in over a week, and that was only for ten minutes on your way back from engineering," the frustration he felt towards the situation was now evident in his voice.

"There are no stars," she said exasperatedly, "and no stars means there's nothing to do and nowhere to explore." Their eyes met in a passionate yet furious exchange, "and with nothing to occupy my mind this past month, I've had nothing to stop me thinking about where we are, how long we've been out here, how far we have left to go, and all of the people we've lost along we way. People who's lives I was responsible for Chakotay! So I'm sorry if I need a little time to deal with this."

"You're not dealing with it though," his voice was raised a few notches above hers, "you're just stewing."

"I'll leave you to command Voyager for four years then," she shouted, "see how you fucking cope!"

He realised that the conversation was again getting them nowhere and decided it was time to leave, "hopefully better than this," he replied, slamming the card their son had made her on the dining table as he left.

/\

_Nineteen years- Timeless_

He didn't love her. There was a time when he had thought he could, but that time had been and passed and nothing had changed. Strangely she loved him. He wasn't sure why, but she put up with his obsession with Voyager, didn't comment on the pictures he kept up of his dead wife and son and seemed satisfied with the small amount of affection that he could give. He should have been grateful. He should have just left it there. He shouldn't have listened to Harry.

For a long while they weren't sure what had happened. They had entered federation space without Voyager but waited patiently for them to arrive. A minute went by, and then another, by the third they both knew that something was wrong, after an hour they realised that they had arrived alone. It was a heart crushing moment for Chakotay when he realised that he had been separated from his young son, there were no words to describe how he felt when they reran the simulations and he knew they were all dead.

Returning to Earth without the rest of the crew had been traumatic, they had both felt guilty, and for a time Starfleet didn't believe their story of how Voyager had used a Borg conduit to enter transwarp, and they had used the shuttle to fly ahead and calibrate quick course changes for the intrepid class vessel. Eventually, with no evidence to the contrary they had been released, Chakotay had been discharged from Starfleet, his field commission and crimes in the maquis ignored by the federation, and Harry had left a couple of years later.

They had stayed close in the fifteen years since the accident, and had become better friends than either man had ever thought possible; but the loss of their friends had given them a common grief that had brought them together.

It had taken Chakotay a long time before he felt ready to move on with his life; he remembered it wasn't until two years later that he had made the decision to return to university, and it wasn't until two years after that he had started to date other women, preferring to remain the mysterious bachelor for as long as possible. For many years it had only been the occasional romance, that had lasted no longer than a few months, or however long it took the women to realise that he wasn't in for a serious relationship. Then five years previously he had met a woman who was willing to do whatever it took to keep him, and realising that he was getting tired of playing the field, he settled down as best he could.

Harry was a different story. The women in his life since Voyager had been few and far between. He had married at one point, but divorced after a year, Chakotay had never asked why. His career in Starfleet had come to a disappointing end, and he had taken a position on a Vulcan science station where his obsession with what had gone wrong with the Borg conduit and navigation of Voyager was only fed by his emotionally insensitive co-workers.

Two years ago he had approached Chakotay with the idea of sending a message back in time to Seven through her cortical implant, that would allow her to make corrections to Voyager's flight path that would land them safely in the delta quadrant. At first he was dubious, Harry had come to him many times before in the past with farfetched and illegal plants to save the ship, and he had usually been able to talk him out of them. But this plan was different: firstly it was plausible, and secondly there was a good chance that they could get away with it.

So here they were, back in the delta quadrant for the first time in fifteen years, and about to send the message to Seven of Nine, for the first time Chakotay was grateful for her presence on Voyager. Harry had told him that he would be able to send an encrypted message to Voyager through Seven, and so he had spent half an hour considering who to send it to. In the end he realised that there was no one he wanted to send a message to. He didn't need to remind himself in the past how important his family was to him. There was no need to tell his son how much he loved him, as Noah would be told by his father in his own time. Kathryn would never approve of his breaking the temporal prime directive, especially if he tried to explain his personal reasons. B'Elanna didn't need any words of advice or encouragement. So he put down the padd he had intended to write a message with, and told Harry that he wouldn't be sending anything.

/\

_Fours years, five months- Counterpoint_

"Was the kiss completely necessary?"

Kathryn looked up as her first officer sat down opposite her in the mess hall, with a smirk across his face. She knew what he was going on about without need for explanation, but she decided that there was only one way he knew about the kiss, and she wanted him to confess before she did. "I don't know what you're talking about," she ploughed her fork into her pasta and glanced back down at the padd she was reading.

"The shuttle bay, the kiss between yourself and the inspector before he left the ship," he knew prompting her was useless, but he thought he'd surprise her with a couple of details.

To his annoyance she looked nonplussed as she took a lazy look across at him, "and how would you know about that commander?"

His smile fell, to get her to admit that she had kissed Kashyk, would involve him disclosing the information about how he knew. "I saw it on the security monitor," he admitted.

"I knew it!" she exclaimed, "I told you specifically that I didn't want my conversations or interactions followed."

"Only when you were alone with him," he explained, "and besides it was Tuvok's idea."

"That he needed your clearance for," she pinned the blame back on him.

Chakotay sighed, "fine," he gave in, "I'm sorry." His smile belittled his apology, but she decided to let it go.

"So I guess you saw what happened in my quarters then, the night before?"

His jaw dropped, he hadn't thought to install a security monitor in her quarters, and now the goodbye kiss made a little more sense. For a brief moment he felt his stomach knot at the thought that she had moved on, that she had slept with Kashyk, and that if the alien hadn't have betrayed her they might be making plans to pursue a relationship on Voyager. Then she broke into a smile and started laughing, and he felt like a complete idiot at the way she had so easily duped him.

"Oh please Chakotay, I'm not that easy," she said between bouts of laughter.

He had to smile a little at his own gullibility, "you had me going there for a moment," he admitted.

Kathryn sobered and beamed widely, "you were worried weren't you?"

Looking down into his own plate he nodded, "only because I got Harry to watch the monitors in your quarters," he said with a straight face.

This time it was her face that dropped for the brief nano second that Chakotay was able to keep a neutral expression for. She rolled her eyes and shook her head as he took his own turn to laugh at her gullibility. "You're lucky you're only joking Chakotay, because there would be hell to pay if you weren't."

He smiled, "like you could punish me without risking a mutiny?"

She grinned wickedly, "I think I could find a way."

Chakotay swallowed hard, it wasn't too difficult to guess what she was probably considering right at that moment; he'd seen that look on her face when they had been involved, and it usually meant trouble. "So was the kiss completely necessary?" he diverted her attention back to his original question.

"He kissed me," she defended.

Folding his arms he leant back in his chair, "from what I could see, you kissed him back."

"He was a good kisser," she explained.

He narrowed his eyes, but decided that no further response was needed, and as he didn't want to risk the conversation turning sour when she realised the real issue was his jealousy and not his concern for her safety, he decided to change the topic. "Did you get a message from the doctor?"

She frowned, "about Noah?"

"Yeah," he gave her a baffled expression, "do you know why he wants to give Noah an immediate medical?"

He expected her to shake her head and say that it was probably just a regular check up, but she didn't, in fact she looked rather reluctant to reply. "When the Devore were here, their scans of Noah may have picked up on something that the doctor has missed."

"Like what?" alarm bells were suddenly ringing in his head.

She shrugged, "it's probably nothing."

"But it could be something?" he pressed.

"It's probably just a flu virus that he caught," she attempted to put his mind at ease, "their scanners are more in depth than ours, and they probably just caught the virus in a much earlier stage than the doctor can normally detect in a routine examination."

He sat back, her explanation made sense, and he reasoned that there was no reason to worry for nothing.

"Do you want to take him or shall I?" she asked, eating a mouthful of pasta.

Chakotay frowned, "I was thinking we both could."

She looked about ready to excuse herself from the event, but then she shrugged, "we can take him in later today."

-

It was five months previously that Kathryn had started to enter into her depression. At first it had been seclusion in her office for hours on end, then she had stopped turning up at crew events being organised to save them all from boredom. At that point Chakotay had been concerned, but it had only been when she had asked him to take care of Noah on a more permanent basis that he had really started to worry.

As soon as Noah was living with him she retreated more into her depression, and before long she was spending all hours alone in her quarters refusing to speak to anyone but her first officer. There was nothing that he had been able to do to bring her out of her depression, and in the end it took hostile aliens endangering the ship, to take her mind from the guilt and helplessness she felt at having stranded Voyager to pull her from the brink of insanity.

Chakotay had thought things would return to normal after that, but they hadn't. Although their friendship was growing in strength every day, she was still spending far too much time alone, and shutting herself off emotionally much more than usual. She hadn't asked for Noah to be moved back into her quarters, and when he asked, she just replied that there was no rush, and Noah seemed happy to be living with his father anyway. Under most other circumstances he would have been thrilled at the chance to spend more time with his son, but in the months since her 'miraculous' recovery from depression, she had been spending less and less time with Noah, to the point where their son had given up on the expectation of seeing his mother every day.

They sat in the doctor's office side by side, the view of Noah sitting contently playing with Tom through the glass windows. The doctor came around the table, and took his seat opposite them, from his face Chakotay could tell that it wasn't great news.

"What's wrong?" Kathryn was first to ask.

"I'm not sure if it's anything wrong," the EMH replied, "but there is something most definitely different with Noah from when I first scanned him as a baby almost fours years ago."

Chakotay shifted uncomfortably in his chair, "what do you mean?"

The doctor turned his computer screen to an angle so that they could see, "this is Noah's genetic code from when I first scanned him as a baby, which from every angle appears completely normal," he explained what they were looking at. "And this," he pulled up another image, "is the one I took yesterday."

"Right?" he prompted for an explanation as to why they were there.

"To the untrained eye they would look completely identical, except on a higher resolution scan it can be seen that there have been several minor alterations to eight of the chromosomes at some point in the last four years." He shrugged, "I can't tell you exactly when these alterations occurred as these are the only two in depth genetic diagrams that I have taken of Noah, but from what I can tell, his genome is still changing."

"Into what?" Chakotay asked.

"The changes affect higher brain function," the doctor explained, "that's what the Devore brought to my attention when they ran scans on him; it would appear that he has the potential for mild telepathy."

"How the hell can he be telepathic?" Chakotay couldn't be sure if he was more confused or worried by the revelation.

The hologram shrugged, "the alterations echo some of the caretakers traits, I can only assume that this is by design not fault."

"Four years ago you guaranteed me that my son would be completely human," Kathryn spoke.

"He was when he was born," the doctor defended, "and he still is, but I'm not certain what will happen in the future. The changes to his DNA may stabilise with no phenotypic consequences, or the changes may accelerate, and then I'm really not sure what to expect."

"Is it dangerous?" Chakotay's voice was flooded with concern for his son.

The EMH let out a long hollow breath, "I can't be certain, but if the changes to Noah do continue then it could be. I'm sure you both remember the near miscarriage of Noah at about five months gestation," they both nodded. "The miscarriage was almost caused by a faulty paternal gene, one that I repaired with a sample of your DNA commander. What I considered a fault then, I'm almost certain now was in fact an early alteration, that at such an early stage would have killed Noah, but now he's almost four years old the changes are much less harmful, but only if the differences in his genotype are very small and far between."

"Is there a way to stop it?"

The doctor looked across at his captain who had asked the question. "The alterations are only occurring on the paternal chromosomes, and so I could use gene therapy with a sample of the commander's DNA like I did four years ago. However I'm uncertain as to what is causing them, and without a full explanation, and as Noah is not currently at risk, I'm reluctant to go ahead with gene therapy without knowing fully what we're dealing with."

Instinctively Chakotay reached across, covered her hand with his and squeezed it gently. She glanced across at him and he gave her a small reassuring smile before releasing her hand, then they returned their attention back to the doctor. "So we just sit back and wait?" she asked, not liking the idea of not knowing what was going to happen with her son.

"That would appear to be the best option at this time," he replied.

There was a long pause before they were asked if they had any more questions, but they were both too stunned at the news to be able to think of anything further, so with a word of farewell they left the office and went to pry Noah away from his game with Tom. Chakotay lifted his son into his arms and left sick bay with Kathryn by his side. Further down the corridor as they waited for the turbo lift he invited her back to his quarters so that they could further discuss everything, but she made the excuse that she had work to do, and not wanting to push her he didn't argue as she instructed the computer to take the lift up to the bridge.

_To be continue_


	12. To lessen the guilt

_Disclaimer: Paramount owns all._

Chapter 12: To lessen the guilt

_Four years, seven months- Dark Frontier _

It had been a while since Voyager's commanding officers had simply sat down to enjoy a meal with one another, without the conversation centring on work or interruptions from the bridge or a young child to feed at the same time. Chakotay realised that he missed it; the companionship late in the evening, the friendly banter and casual conversation that they easily engaged in, the glass of wine with a meal and the bitter taste of coffee afterwards, just small things that over the past year that they had been separated he had experienced very little of.

Having replicated coffee, Chakotay walked over to the sofa where she was sat, "I'm not going to be able to talk you out of this am I?" he broached the topic they had previously agreed to avoid.

With her head rested on her fist she shook her head, and he could see her bracing herself for another argument, "no," she replied firmly.

He let out an audible sigh, knowing defeat when he felt it. Deciding that she was now far beyond reason he handed her one of the coffees and took a seat beside her. "Promise me that you'll come back in one piece," he met her gaze with a determined look.

Kathryn nodded slowly, "I will."

Giving her a lingering look he eventually broke eye contact and took a sip of the replicated black liquid. "Do you mind me asking you something?" he said after a long silence had passed.

Looking a little uncertain she narrowed her eyes at him, "depends on what you want to ask."

"Why is Seven so important to you?" he dared the question.

She frowned, "I would be doing the same right now for any member of this crew, Seven is no exception."

He bit his lip, wondering whether or not he should continue knowing that it could easily turn nasty, he decided to brave it. "I know, that's your excuse right now. But in the past, you've always been more lenient with Seven than other member of this crew; you've given her more freedom and more of your attention…"

"Is this about jealousy Chakotay?" she interrupted, "about me spending more time lately with her rather than you?"

"Kathryn," he tried to calm her down, but it was to no avail.

"She has required more of my attention because she needs help in recovering her humanity, in discovering the individual that she has the potential to be." Her voice hinted on anger; their many disagreements lately had been over Seven, and he felt there would be many more to come if their plan succeeded.

"Why make it your personal mission though?" he pressed.

"I'm the captain," she needlessly reminded him, "I'm responsible for every member of this crew."

"You're also a mother," he felt that he needed to remind her of that.

She shot him a confused expression, "so?"

"Lately you've been neglecting your son in favour of a Borg drone," the bitterness did not escape his words, and it managed to stun her into a short silence.

"Sometimes this crew and ship have to come before Noah, you know that," she reminded him.

"Sometimes, but not all of the time," he countered.

"Is this still about Seven?"

"No, not just her," he admitted, "this is about you centring your life on this ship, on your work, on getting this crew home, and yes, on Seven."

"I'm the captain," she replied, her teeth clenching ever so slightly, "there's a price to pay for the larger quarters, the private office and the comfy chair," she pointed out sarcastically.

"But the price is never seeing your son." Chakotay sounded exasperated. "You're not there in the middle of the night when he wakes from a bad dream, you don't read him bedtime stories, you rarely take him to the holodeck… Kathryn, you're missing out on watching your own son grow up."

"Our son," she interrupted him, deciding to change the direction of conversation, "are you trying to tell me that you're fed up with being a full time father again?"

"No," he said firmly, "I'm just confused as to why you don't want him."

For a long moment their eyes met in a battle of determination and wills, for the first time in a while it was her who gave in and glanced away. Quickly she placed her cup on the short table and stood from the sofa, "I have a busy day tomorrow," she stated without looking at him, "I should be going."

As she took a few steps towards the door to leave she felt a hand grab her arm to halt her exit. Kathryn turned to see that her first officer had jumped up to prevent her leaving, she tugged for him to release her arm, but he gripped it tighter and closed the gap between them. Taking her other arm in his other hand he pulled her almost violently so that she was facing him. "You are not leaving here until you start telling me the truth," he sounded dangerous. As she continued to refuse to meet his gaze, he placed a hand under her chin and forced her to look at him, when she did he was surprised to see that tears were shining in her eyes.

At first she had thought he would release her when he realised that she wasn't going to tell him anything, but he didn't, they remained standing in the middle of his quarters, with him towering over her wearing a furious expression, his jaw muscles flexing under strain, and Kathryn trying her best to hold back tears, all the time it becoming more and more obvious that for once he wasn't going to give in. "Because I don't deserve him," she said at last, breaking down into tears even before she had finished her sentence.

In shock at what she had said his anger suddenly evaporated and was replaced by confusion. He suddenly became aware of his tight grasp of her arm and jaw, and so released her, only to pull her into a loose embrace. She easily melted against him, taking her arms around his waist and burying her face into his chest as she lost complete control of her emotions and allowed the tears to freely fall. "I don't understand," he admitted, placing one hand on the small of her back and the other on her shoulder as he pulled her closer against him.

"I stranded Voyager," she explained between sobs, "I'm responsible for everyone being separated from their families and friends, I had no right to move on the way I did."

For a moment Chakotay experienced complete clarity as to why she was the way she was. At some point she had taken a look at her life and her marriage to him and she had realised she was happy when others weren't because of her actions at destroying the caretaker's array. He had always thought she had been pushing him away because of the miscarriage, and although that may have been part of the reason, he realised that this was a bigger part of it. But it hadn't been enough to drive him away, seven months ago during her depression she had realised that her son made her just if not more happy, and so again, she had made the choice to deny herself even that, because if she were to move on, to her it would lessen the lives of those who had died because of her decision over four and a half years ago not to return to the alpha quadrant.

"I'm still here because of you," he mumbled into her hair, in such a low voice it took her a short time to realise what he had said, and by the point he was already continuing. "Us maquis would have either died in the badlands fighting the Cardassians, or we would have rotted away in a federation prison. Many people are better off for your decision."

Placing a hand on his chest she pulled back a little and looked up at him, "but most are suffering because I destroyed that array."

"To save an entire planet," he reminded her, reaching up to place his hand gently against the side of her face, wiping away tears with his thumb. "I wish I could have given that order to save you from this guilt," he told her with complete sincerity.

"I guess that's why Seven is so important," she said at last, but only to receive a frown from him, "because saving her from the Borg lessens the guilt, and spending my time on her takes my mind off that which remains."

Sometimes he didn't understand the depths of compassion she reached, the responsibility she had decided to take squarely on her own shoulders and the reasoning she used to shutting herself off emotionally. But at times like this all he had to understand was that this was Kathryn, and although she was stubborn, and obsessive, and practical, and difficult at the best of times, she was also kind, loving, wise, genuine and caring to the point of always putting others before herself… and that was why he loved her, and there was nothing he could ever hope to do about it, other than stand, and watch and catch her when she fell.

He met her deep blue eyes with his own dark brown and noticed that the tears had stopped falling, and now she looked up at him expectantly, waiting for him to either release her, or find an excuse to hold onto her for longer. Letting out a long breath he took his hand from her cheek and raised it to the top of her hair, running his fingers through the shortened silky strands, before resting his palm against the side of her neck. He ran his thumb slowly across her jaw line, and with his eyes asked her a question his lips still weren't ready to interpret. She didn't move away from him, and so he gradually closed the gap between their two bodies, leant his head down to brush his lips against hers.

For the longest of moments that Chakotay had ever experienced their lips simply touched, they didn't part and they didn't move, they just rested against one another in a very tender and natural fashion. They were barely touching, but if felt intense and passionate all the same as if he were kissing her deeply and with intension. When he did pull away it wasn't to apologise or to make a further advance but to put into words what he wanted from her. "Stay with me tonight."

His voice was filled with emotion, and his eyes displayed those emotions perfectly for her. Worry, regret, pain, lust and of course love, but mostly she just saw his desperation not to lose her. "It can only be for tonight," she informed him.

"That's enough," he lied.

Slowly she nodded, and before she knew what was happening he had pulled her into his arms and was showing her the many ways that he had missed her during their time apart.

_/\ _

_Four years, nine months_

Amongst the large group that was gathered in the mess hall it was only Seven who stood with a puzzled expression, which was unexpected as she was one of the few who had not actually been surprised by Chakotay's announcement two days previously. She turned to Harry, who was stood beside her with a glass of fruit punch in his hand and just ending a conversation with Chell.

"Lieutenant, I am confused towards the crew's reaction to this news," she said once his attention was upon her.

He frowned, "how do you mean?"

"It is as if no one knew."

"We didn't," he responded.

"You didn't know that Noah Janeway was Chakotay's son?" she looked all the more confused.

"No," he shook his head, "did you?"

"Of course," she stated in a matter-of-fact sort of way. "When I came aboard Voyager, I was quickly aware of the family unit involving the captain, commander and their son; it was one of the first studies that I made of humanity. Janeway and the commander were involved in an intimate relationship that they had confirmed with their marriage. They both showed obvious affection towards Noah and he to them which clearly indicated that he was their child. The three of them shared the same quarters… which at the time I thought was essential for a family unit to exist, but since, I have observed that it is not necessary…"

"Seven," he held up a hand to stop her, "we were all aware that they had become a family, what none of us knew was that Noah was Chakotay's biological son… The captain and commander were not involved until a couple of years into our journey, and so we had all assumed that Chakotay had decided to adopt Noah and raise him as his own child."

"Then you were not aware of the phenotypic resemblance between father and son?" she asked.

It took him a moment to realise what she meant, then he nodded, "we were aware that they looked alike, but none of us had met the captain's fiancé who she had said was the father, so we never put two and two together."

She nodded, slowly, "are you not angry at having been deceived for so long?"

Harry shook his head and smiled, "the way Chakotay explained it, I think they both made the best decision in not telling us at the time."

"Not everyone would agree with you though," she reminded him of the obvious absence of some of the maquis crew at the birthday celebration.

"They're just shocked Seven," he explained, "some of Chakotay's friends are upset as they feel like he didn't trust them enough to tell them."

"B'Elanna Torres is here," she noted, "I would have expected her to be most disappointed."

Frowning he glanced over to see the half Klingon with her arm around Tom's as they both chatted to Neelix. "I have a feeling that she might have known," he said, only just forming the hypothesis as he spoke.

The Borg drone seemed content with the ensign's attempt to answer her question, and she was sure that the doctor would be able to answer the further questions that she wished to ask regarding the history and relationship between Voyager's command team. "Thank you for your insight ensign," she said politely, before walking off in the direction of Tuvok.

He stood by himself for a short while before he saw that Chakotay was finally alone as he approached the drinks table to help himself to a glass of the punch, that may or may not have been spiked by Tom.

"Commander," he greeted once he had crossed the room.

"Harry," Chakotay smiled.

"I wish to give you a very belated congratulations."

"I've been getting that quite a lot these past couple of days," he didn't seem at all annoyed by it, "thank you, and thank you for the present you gave Noah; he loves stories, especially now that he can read them himself."

The not so young ensign smiled, "I hear that you and the captain plan on including Noah in Naomi's lessons?"

"That's right."

"I was wondering if maybe I could do some teaching?"

Chakotay nodded, "sure, what subject do you have in mind?"

"Music," he said, encouraged when his commander's face broke into an even wider smile at the suggestion, "I play the clarinet, and thought maybe I could cover my own instrument and also the theory."

"That's a wonderful idea," he said honestly, surprised that no one else had yet suggested it. "I'll let Neelix know, and we'll place you on the school schedule. How about we start off at once every other week, and then build it up to once a week as they both get older?"

Harry nodded enthusiastically, "that sounds great."

They talked for a little longer, which was unusual as the two men very rarely engaged in one to one conversation. It wasn't that they didn't like one another, or that they didn't get on, it was just that they both moved within very different circles on the ship, and it wasn't very often that they had the chance to get to know one another. When Neelix came out with Noah's fourth birthday cake, the entire room erupted into song, but Harry and Chakotay hardly noticed as they became separated within the large group.

Naomi sat beside the birthday boy as he knelt on his chair to blow out the candles, encouraging him as he blew them all out in one breath. Kathryn, who was stood behind Noah's chair looked up when she felt the pressure of a hand on her shoulder, carrying over the smile she had held whilst watching her son with his cake. "They grow up so fast," Chakotay commented, his eyes drifting towards Noah.

She let out a long sigh, "too fast."

Again he met her gaze, not for the first or last time wondering what she was really thinking. They would probably have gazed into one another's eyes indefinitely if it hadn't have been for Neelix offering them both a slice of cake. "I'm okay thank you," Kathryn kindly declined, but feeling cruel she added, "but Chakotay was just saying he was most looking forward to some himself." She could feel his hand squeeze her shoulder a little too tightly as her husband realised he was going to have to risk Neelix's cooking himself, she took her glass of juice to her lips in an attempt to hide her grin.

Chakotay held his plate in his hand and examined the green cake for a little longer than was necessary. When he saw the two children enjoying their own food he decided to force the icing covered sponge past his mouth and down his gullet as quickly as he could, vaguely aware that Kathryn was trying her best to avoid laughing whilst in the presence of ship's cook.

"Wow," he said in a low voice even though Neelix was out of earshot, "this is actually quite good," he made a point of chewing the cake.

She frowned, not sure whether or not she trusted him, "really?"

He pulled on a shocked expression, "do you really think anyone could pretend to like Neelix's cooking?"

Deciding that maybe he was telling the truth she reached out to take a piece of his cake, only to have him pull the plate away from her, "get your own slice," he instructed.

Kathryn looked a little annoyed, "Chakotay, just let me try some."

"No," he said firmly, and she could see he really had no intention of sharing.

She turned to Noah, and saw that he still had some cake remaining on his plate. "Honey, can I just try a bit of this?" she didn't really ask for permission from her young son as she reached out and took some anyway.

"Mummy," Noah complained as she placed a piece of the sponge in her mouth.

For a moment Kathryn wondered why Chakotay was suddenly grinning, then she tasted it: Leola root, her face dropped. "Keep chewing Kathryn," he leant towards her to whisper, "and smile before Neelix sees you're not enjoying his cake."

"Daddy," Noah looked to his father for support, "mummy just stole my birthday cake."

"It's okay son," he chuckled as Kathryn struggled to swallow, "you can have mine."

"I think we're even now," he declared once he was rid of his plate.

"Who puts Leola root in a birthday cake?" she hissed, astounded at the thought.

Chakotay shrugged, "the children seem to like it."

"Their taste buds have been desensitised with Leola root from a young age," she was quick to comment.

He laughed, "maybe Naomi's have, but I think your cooking was the beginning of the end for Noah's taste buds."

She shot him a semi-serious glare, "is that so?" Chakotay couldn't hide the smirk on his face, "then I guess you're not coming round to my quarters later tonight for dinner?"

His smile dropped, "I thought you were going to replicate."

"I'm not sure what I'm going to do now," her lip quirked up wickedly, "but Noah will be very disappointed if he finds out that we're not all spending the evening together."

"If I bring the last of the Nadocrane cider, do you promise not to poison my food?"

She looked as if she was considering her plea for a moment, "okay," she finally agreed, "but only because I don't like the idea of holding auditions for a new first officer."

-

Two months previously Chakotay had woken in his bed to feel happier and more content than he had in a long time, the reason being that his wife was slept beside him. He had turned onto his side and watched her for a while, studying the peaceful expression of her face, the small movement of her chest as she breathed in and then out, her auburn hair scattered across the pillow… It took him some time to remember that in four hours she would be leaving him for the Borg, he didn't want to think about if she didn't come back to him.

When she had woken it had been with a smile as she saw him lying beside her. Without protest she had lain in the comfort of his embrace, and promised him that she would return in one piece. They had had breakfast, and left for the bridge together, gone through the plan another thousand times, and then said a formal goodbye before she had left for the shuttle bay.

Nothing could have prepared him for the sight of her unconscious body, damaged with Borg implants and severely wounded. Somehow he had convinced himself that it wouldn't be that bad, that he would enter sickbay to see her sitting up and telling the doctor that she didn't require the fuss he was making. If he had have known what would happen, he would never have allowed her to leave. In those few moments as he approached her bio bed, unsure if her ghost white skin would ever return to life, he had hated Seven of Nine. He almost still did.

Since she had recovered and returned to duty their relationship had remained a mystery to him. They had spent that one night together, and had agreed at the time that it would only be the one night, and so far it had remained as such. But he was sure it wasn't just him who had been hoping for more; they had been going out of their way to spend more time with one another, turning up to crew events together, eating many late night meals alone, on and off duty they had been flirting dangerously and he was sure some of the bridge crew were starting to notice the electricity between them as they sat in silence, or engaged in friendly banter, or excused themselves to do work in her ready room.

It was late into the evening, and they sat on the sofa in her quarters with Noah on Kathryn's lap, and Chakotay telling him of who would have been his grandfather, and why they had chosen to give him a second name of Kolopak. They had already enjoyed a replicated meal, and Kathryn sat comfortably with one arm around her son, and her other hand grasping a mug of coffee as she too listened to a rare tale of her husband's life before he had left his home world to join Starfleet. It wasn't often that he spoke of that part of his life, she guessed it had been too painful given what had then happened to his family during the Cardassian attacks, but that had been a long time ago, and now he seemed willing to talk about it, probably having come to some form of understanding of what had happened.

Chakotay trailed off as he noticed the young boy falling asleep in his mother's arms, in a similar way he had first observed on New Earth as he had watched Kathryn read to their then infant child. She looked across at him when she noticed he had stopped, "maybe I'll finish off the story another time," he smiled, vaguely aware of how late it was.

She easily returned the smile, "I'd like to be there when you do."

"Me too," he met her gaze with such intensity that she was forced to look away.

"Chakotay…" she said, trailing off as she was unable to find the right words to say to him.

"I know." Surprised she turned her head to face him, "there's a reason we didn't work the first time."

"Me," she stated.

"No," he said firmly, "Voyager."

Confused she frowned and waited for him to explain.

He let out a long breath, remembering what it had been like whilst they were together, with ship's business constantly getting in the way, the never ending bickering, her guilt, his need for an emotional connection and their eventual resentment of one another. They both knew that they could handle a stolen moment, the occasional night here and there, an intimate friendship, but a romantic relationship destroyed them… at least aboard Voyager. "Out here, on Voyager, our friendship can handle a bump in the road, but anything more will only suffer."

Kathryn realised he had put into words what she hadn't been able to, and she was glad that he too had come to the same conclusion. "We were terrible together weren't we?"

"Well," he smiled softly, vivid memories of New Earth returning to him, "it was wonderful at the beginning."

"I don't think we were ever meant to be together though," she sounded resigned to their fate.

He shook his head in disagreement, "I have never loved another woman the same way, or with the same intensity that I love you, and I know that we're meant to be to together… just not on Voyager."

She laughed, somehow, and somewhat bitterly, "so in fifty years or so when we get back to Earth, we'll be all set."

"If that's how long it takes before I can have you all to myself," he said with such sincerity that she almost believed him.

"You won't wait for me that long," she stated.

He paused, being unrealistic would only make things worse. "But when we do get back, if we're both still available, I'd like us to give this another shot."

It was a few long seconds before she replied, "I would too," the words almost caught in her throat.

Chakotay placed a hand on her shoulder, and then glanced down at the sleeping form of his son, she too noticed his attention shift, but waited patiently for him to say what else was on his mind. "I know we've been spending a lot of time together recently," he said at last, "and I cherish the friendship that we have… but you need to spend more time with Noah as well, it's not fair for him to see you so little."

"If you mean for him to move back in with me…"

"He's settled now," Chakotay moved his hand from her shoulder to his son's head, "but lately he's been asking very little about you. I'm worried that if you distance yourself too much, you're going to miss out on something very special."

"I've been busy recently," it was a lame excuse.

Deciding not to argue he reached out and took Noah from her and into his own arms, "it's getting late, I should probably put him to bed or else he'll be cranky in the morning."

She felt helpless as she watched him standing with her four year old son in his arms, the boy very much a likeness of his father, with the same dark hair, complexion and eyes, it was any wonder why no one had worked out the connection by themselves.

Chakotay had calmly and rationally explained to the crew, at a large social gathering two days previously, that Noah had in fact been a creation of the caretaker's, using Kathryn's DNA and his own. There had been many aghast expressions, and some people had looked about ready to walk out at that point, but Chakotay had a knack of holding people's attention, and calming them down with nothing more than a look. He had gone on to explain the reasoning behind why they had never been told, and what had prompted the information being passed on to them now. The caretaker had encoded for parts of Noah's DNA to alter as he got older, and now those alterations were being made, Chakotay felt that the crew should know, so that they would be prepared for any changes that may happen to the boy.

The Starfleet crew had been the first to come round to the idea, approaching Chakotay to give him a very belated congratulations on becoming a father. The maquis crew however had felt somewhat betrayed at having been kept in the dark for so long. But one by one as they became used to the idea, and having always suspected at the back of their minds anyway, they too accepted the news and forgave their former captain for having not told them.

_To be continued._


	13. Price to pay

_Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and its characters._

Chapter 13: Price To Pay

_Five years- Equinox_

Approximately three seconds passed between Kathryn pressing the button to open the doors to her quarters and Chakotay inviting himself in. Before she could ask him why he was there and what he wanted, he made a beeline for her bedroom. "What are you doing?" she called after him as he entered her sleeping area.

"Chakotay!" she followed in after him to see him on his knees and opening the draws to her bedside cabinet, "what the hell do you want?"

"I'm looking for something," he explained.

"Looking for what?" it wasn't hard to tell that he was angry about something, but she was confused as to why. "I gave you back the last of your things over a year ago!"

"I'm not looking for anything of mine," he stood and shot her a harsh glare as he moved around her bed to inspect her second bedside cabinet.

"Chakotay, if you don't start telling me what you're doing here, then I'm going to call security," she threatened.

He laughed, but didn't look around, his attention focussed on rummaging through her things, "call them."

"Chakotay this isn't funny," she stated, his refusal to explain anything starting to annoy her.

"It's not meant to be," he slammed shut the bottom draw and again stood, this time to head over to her chest of drawers.

"Don't go through there," she closed the small gap between them with the intention of pulling him away from her underwear draw, but as she got closer she was reminded of his obvious bad mood, his current unpredictable manner and the fact the he could easily over power her if he so wished.

After only taking a very brief look trough the entire chest he walked over to the wardrobe, "where are they Kathryn?"

"Maybe if you told me what you were looking for…" she snapped back at him.

"A month ago Noah mentioned to me that he saw you sitting on your bed injecting something into your neck with a hypospray," he said at last, but refusing to look round at her as he continued to search through her things, "at the time I thought he was probably mistaken. Given the current turn of events recently though, I'm not so sure."

Kathryn's eyes opened with sudden realisation, "what happened the other day had nothing to do with drugs," she quickly defended.

Turning around sharply he searched her face for the truth of her words, "and the hypospray?"

"For a migraine," she explained, "I get them quite often, so the doctor just gave me the hypospray so that I wouldn't have to keep going up to sickbay."

"Really?" he placed his hands on his hips.

"Really," she said, exasperated.

She looked up at him trying to look sincere, as he glared down at her, wishing that he could believe what she had just told him. He couldn't though, and when he realised that she was nervous about something, and then noticed her eyes flicker momentarily towards the door to the bathroom, he knew that she was trying to hide something from him. With a sudden movement he made his way over to the bathroom, ignoring her calls after him.

Taking a quick look around the space he saw the mirrored cabinet and decided that it was probably the best place to start looking. He wasn't sure if he should have been disappointed or glad when he opened the door to find the glass jars full of pills and the hyposprays, but one things for sure was that she had been lying to him. "How long?" he turned his head to face her as she stood, now just watching him from the doorway.

"They're prescription," she stated.

Knowing that she wouldn't readily answer his questions he decided that a display of actually how mad he was at her would be in order. Taking a jar out of the cabinet he threw it into the bath tub, hearing it shatter, but not bothering to look at bottle as it broke open and the pills all spilled out. He didn't take any pleasure at seeing her jump in surprise of his action. "How long Kathryn?" he asked again, taking another jar out in preparation.

"That's none of your business commander," she felt he was in need of a reminder of his rank.

To her dismay it didn't work as he took another jar, raised it, and threw it down into the bath. "I don't think you understand how serious this is Kathryn. You almost killed a man yesterday, and if you don't start telling me the truth, then I will get the doctor to relieve you of duty."

"You wouldn't dare," she hissed.

Folding his arms he nodded, "how long?"

Deciding that he didn't have any right to be there and to question her, and she had no reason to answer his questions, Kathryn turned and headed back through her bedroom and into her main living area, only to be ambushed as Chakotay sprung out of the other door from the bathroom, grabbed her by her arm, pulled her over to the wall and pinned her against it with his body. "Do not walk away from me!" he shouted in her face.

Never before had she felt so intimidated by her first officer, sure, she had seen him use the same tactics against other people, and he had been in the maquis so she was perfectly aware of what he was capable of, but she had never expected for him to turn on her. "If you do not release me now," she muttered into his ear, her jaw taught as she restrained her anger, "I will call security, and I will have you confined to the brig for the rest of this journey."

"You're bluffing Kathryn," he took both of her wrists into each of his hands, his breathing heavy and warm against her face, "because without me, you're nothing, and we both know that."

"Release me," she gave him one final warning.

"Not until you tell me what you've been taking, and how long you've been taking it," he listed his demands.

Finally she let out a sigh and looked as if she was about to give in. "Vitamin C to increase my uptake of iron, Calcium for strong bones and teeth, Riboflavin…"

Letting out an annoyed grunt he released his hold of her completely and took some necessary steps away from her, taking a hand and running it through his hair. "Why can't you tell me?" he asked, the anger replaced by frustration.

"It's none of your business," she told him, making a silent sigh of relief as she realised he had no intention of following through on his hints of violence.

"Kathryn," he looked back round at her, his plea both in his voice and his eyes, "whatever you tell me will go no further than here and now, just trust me."

He looked at her for a long time and as she started to feel herself giving in, she turned away from him. "I can't tell you," she said at last "…because I'm ashamed."

Sudden realisation dawned upon Chakotay, and he instantly regretted his earlier aggressive stance. "A long time?" she only nodded, "for the past year, since your depression?" he pressed, and again she indicated that he was correct. "Before then?"

Letting out a long breath that she had hardly realised she was holding she again nodded. "It started out as just some medication to help me sleep every now and again, since about two and a half years ago. I was on antidepressants for a couple of months after I lost the baby, and started on them again about a year ago, I haven't come off them yet. Sleeping medication is in the form of a mild tranquiliser and has only become a necessity in the past six months. I have been getting headaches recently, so the doctor's given me a few things for that…" she looked sharply up at him, "I'm not addicted."

There was a beat before he replied, "I never said you were," his voice was calm and almost understanding.

"That's what you're thinking though, isn't it?"

He sighed, not in annoyance, or resignation, but with disappointment, "how could I not have noticed?" he said to himself.

"I've not exactly been open about it," she reminded him, feeling much more relaxed now in his presence.

Chakotay shook his head, and continued speaking his thoughts out loud, "I should have been paying more attention… maybe I just didn't want to see…" he looked at her, his next words intended at her, "I'm sorry."

She frowned, "don't apologise, this isn't your fault."

"You're my best friend… my wife. It's my responsibility to look out for you!"

Taking a step towards him she placed a hand on his arm, "this is my problem, not yours anymore."

Meeting her gaze he shook his head, "I hardly know you anymore Kathryn, you've changed so much, and I can't help feeling I'm to blame."

"I haven't changed," she insisted.

"The equinox?"

"An error in judgement," she shook off his reminder.

"You were angry an Ransom, not because of what he did, but because you saw what you could have been, and what you're slowly becoming."

"I am nothing like him!" she shot back angrily.

"You stooped to his level though," he countered.

"Desperate times…" she started but didn't finish the old saying.

Chakotay took a step away from her, "three years ago you would never have considered taking drugs such as antidepressants and tranquilisers on a regular basis, of threatening an officer's life for information, of giving up on your role as a mother. If you met that woman now, I wonder what she'd think of you, what she'd say to you."

"Three years ago you promised to share this burden, now you've just become another problem weighing me down," she shot back angrily, her eyes starting to shine with tears, "I don't think you've exactly become a better person yourself."

He shrugged, "a price I have to pay for serving below you," he replied cruelly, and she was too stunned to respond as he made his way out of her quarters.

/\

_Five years, three months_

Kathryn was so consumed in her own work that what Noah was saying to her barely registered until she picked up on one particular word. Ocampa.

"What was that?" she looked up sharply from her computer screen at the small boy sitting beside her on the couch in her ready room.

"This is Tuvok," he continued, holding up another piece of paper, not noticing his mother's sudden interest having not noticed her lack of one earlier. "Naomi thinks he's scary, but I like him, I think he's funny."

"No Noah, before then, what were you saying?" she glanced down at the coffee table that was covered with drawings her son had done and was trying to show her. One particular drawing caught her attention and instinctively she picked it up for closer inspection, "what's this one?" she asked, looking down at what appeared to be a picture of people standing outside on a sunny day, playing some sort of ball game.

"I just showed you that one," he told her, then proceeded to pick up another of his pictures, "this is the delta flyer."

"Show me this one again," she insisted, "is it somewhere you visited on the holodeck?"

"No," he resigned himself to going over the picture again, "but I'm going there one day."

A soft smile took over her lips, "is this Earth?"

"Earth only has one moon," he informed her, "this has three," he pointed to three faint circles that had been drawn onto the pale blue sky. "Ircsha, Casum and Orath, you can see them in the day time when there aren't any clouds."

Kathryn frowned, "so what planet is this?"

"Ocampa," he grinned, "and these are the children playing out side…"

"Where did you hear about Ocampa?" she interrupted him.

"I don't know," for a second he appeared confused, "why? Don't you like my picture?"

"No, I do like it," she was quick to reassure him, "but I just wonder why you drew it?"

He shrugged, "because I wanted to." He pointed to one of the figures, and then another, saying in turn: "here's me, and there's Naomi, and these are the other children that we're playing with."

Realising that he was probably getting confused between different stories he had heard over the years she decided to explain. "Honey, the Ocampans live under ground, they don't go to the surface."

"Why not?"

"Because many years ago there was an accident that meant they couldn't live above the ground," she put the drawing down on the table, "and Ocampa is very far away, it would take you a long time to travel there, but one day I can show you Earth."

The boy looked up at her, "I don't want to go to Earth," he stated.

"Noah!" she was surprised to hear to talk in such a way, having thought that she and Chakotay had talked enough about their home worlds to make him want to visit them as much as they wanted to get back to them.

"Neither does Naomi," he went on to say, "she wants to stay on Voyager."

Kathryn could understand the children having no desire to go to Earth, as they had never before been there, and Voyager was the only home that they had ever known, so it was reasonable for them to want to stay. What confused her though, was Noah suddenly decided to draw himself on surface of the first planet Voyager had encountered in the delta quadrant, a planet that had long ago left the conversations of Voyager's crew members. "Who told you about Ocampa?" she asked, curious.

Her question received another shrug, "I don't know."

Kathryn paused, then realised who he had probably heard about the planet from, "did Neelix tell you about it?"

For a moment he frowned, "I think so," then he looked up at his mother with a questioning expression, "he was talking about a woman who had come from Ocampa and used to live on Voyager, but I can't remember her."

"Kes?" Kathryn prompted, suddenly feeling somewhat guilty for not having thought for so long of the woman who had at one time been so much a part of Voyager.

"Yeah, that's her," he smiled as he remembered

"Yes, she did live for many years aboard Voyager," Kathryn confirmed, "but she left when you were very young, before a time that you can remember."

"Why did she leave?" Noah asked curiously.

"I think she outgrew the ship," it was the simplest explanation that made the most sense. "She used to take care of you when you were a baby, she was very fond of you."

"Is she ever coming back?"

"I don't think so," she bit her lip, wondering why he wanted to know.

Noah smiled, "I'd like to meet an Ocampan one day," he said offhandedly as he looked back down at the pile of papers on this mother's table and started to search though them for the next picture that he wanted to show her.

Kathryn looked at him oddly for a long moment, not quite sure what to make of his fascination with a planet and people that he had heard so little about. It was about that point that it struck her, in some ways the planet and the caretaker never left her thoughts as she remembered the decision she had made to strand Voyager over five years previously, and on a daily basis she played back the moments that had lead up to that decision in her mind as she attempted to convince herself that it was the right thing to do. On the other hand, she had long ago stopped thinking of her son of having anything to do with the caretaker, and the planet, and it was only on rare occasions such as this that she was reminded that it was only because of the caretaker that she had her son in the first place.

Making a conscious decision to give her son the attention he deserved for the rest of the afternoon that he would be with her, she closed down the computer screen that she had been working on, and listened to him as he finished giving her the background to the pictures that he had drawn. Before long she had forgotten completely about Ocampa, and the caretaker, and how Noah had been created by a superior alien being, and all she allowed herself to think about was her son's obvious love of art.

/\

_Five years and five months- Fair haven_

If someone were to ask Kathryn Janeway what it was like to command a ship, there were many different responses that she had given at different points in her career. For her first command, her response would have been that it was challenging, exciting, wonderful, difficult at times but very rewarding. As she gained more experience, and learnt that there were many disadvantages to being the captain, the truth of her answer became that not only was it difficult so make the tough decisions and to keep the respect of her crew, but also that it was tiring, her personal life suffered because of it and often it could be lonely as she had to force a professional distance between herself and those who served below her.

It didn't take her long to realise that people didn't want to hear the truth, all they wanted to hear was her first answer that she had given as a young naïve commander, that there was nothing better than being in complete control of your own ship. If she had have been honest, and said what it was really like, and people had have asked the question 'then why do you do it?' she would have told them that it was because there was nothing easier than slipping behind the mask of command and ignoring the problems in her own life. It had taken Kathryn a long while to realise that she had hidden behind the shield of being captain so many times, that at some point she had forgotten who she really was, and by that time she felt it was too late and too difficult to do anything about it.

The loneliness and isolation of her position in the delta quadrant didn't get to her at first as she had had a baby to take care of and the problems within her crew were enough to keep her mind occupied. Then there had been Chakotay, and for a long while she had felt very content and happy with her life, and she truly felt that her burden of Voyager's situation had been halved by him. But she had pushed him away, just like every other man in her life since Justin. Mark had put up with the distance in their relationship, and had probably known she didn't really love him, long before she had discovered herself, but for some reason he persevered and she was sure if they had have married they would still be together and probably have started a family.

Chakotay wasn't able to live with the emotional parameters she had eventually established between them. Although it had been intentional on her part to distance herself from him, having slowly come to the conclusion that she didn't deserve the relief from guilt and responsibility, love and affection that he provided, she had never meant to drive him away from her completely. He had wanted all or nothing, and when he had realised that he couldn't have it all, he had made the decision that she had been too weak to make, and had reluctantly taken the first steps to end their marriage.

Five and a half years into their journey, and Kathryn had a new and very simple answer to the question of what it was like to command a star ship, alone, in the middle of the delta quadrant: lonely.

It had been close to a year since she had last made love with Chakotay, and even longer since she had really been able to call him her husband. Although they had become good friends, there was now a line that neither of them ever crossed, sometimes it was simply averting certain conversational topics and other times a refusal to provide the comfort that the other was in need of. Either way the lack of companionship for Kathryn was often intoxicating. So when she found herself in the arms of a holographic character in fair haven, for the first time in a long time she was able to forget about all of the responsibility, stress and loneliness that came hand in hand with command.

Walking through the streets of fair haven with her arm looped around that of Michael Sullivan's she was so consumed in their conversation that she didn't notice her son until she heard him calling after her. Kathryn stopped and turned to see Noah running towards her, Michael realised her attention had suddenly shifted and followed her line of sight.

"Hello mummy," he greeted with a smile as he came to an abrupt halt.

"What are you doing here?" she asked with a frown.

"Fishing," he answered, then his gaze drifted up to the man who was stood beside her, "hello," he grinned.

Reluctantly Kathryn realised that introductions were in order, "Michael, this is my son Noah," she explained, relieved when his baffled expression softened into a smile as he reached out to shake hands.

"It's nice to meet you," he said, "my name's Michael Sullivan."

"Noah, Michael is a friend of mine," she added.

He nodded, the grin and dimples still pinned to his face. "Nice to meet you too," he said politely once he had shaken hands.

"Who are you with?" she asked, then noticed Chakotay approaching, dressed casually and holding two fishing rods.

"Hi," he said, having heard her ask Noah the question. He looked across at the man stood beside his wife mixed feelings of jealousy and resentment being pushed aside as he tried his best to be happy that she was happy. "You must be Michael," he said neutrally, then forced a smile, "I'm Chakotay, a friend of Kathryn's."

"I've seen you about," the holographic character noted, "you also know Tom Paris?"

"Yes," he replied.

There was a short and awkward silence, one that the Irishman was quick to fill, "so you're going fishing?"

"Indeed, down at the river."

He nodded, "you should get a couple of bites at this time of day, but be careful of the current, especially with a young child; men have drowned in that water."

"I'll keep him away from the river edge," Chakotay took on the advice, but knew that the computer safety protocols would prevent his son from coming into any danger. He glanced down at Noah, "we should probably be going," he gave his excuse, wanting to get himself out of the very awkward situation as quickly as possible.

"I'll see you later," Kathryn promised her son.

Noah nodded, "okay," and allowed his father to take his hand and lead him away.

"Bye," Chakotay said over his shoulder before walking away from them.

Once they had started to disappear out of sight and were well out of earshot she slowly turned around to Michael. "So you have a son?" he said, now allowing the surprise to leak back into his expression.

Kathryn nodded, "I wasn't ready to tell you."

The barman shrugged, "and the man with him? Is he really just a friend?"

"He's my closest friend," she answered honestly, but knew what he was getting at, "but Chakotay is also the father of my son."

"The father of your son," he repeated, "were you married? Were you lovers? Are you still?"

For a moment she considered going through the long story of how Noah had been conceived without either of their consent, how they had eventually become involved and then married, and after a year of marriage they had separated. She realised though that it was too complicated to explain, especially as she herself didn't completely understand everything that had happened, so she just nodded, "a long time ago, but it's been over for a while now. Was it that obvious?"

He smiled good naturedly, and encouraged her to take her arm through his as they started to walk back in the direction they had previously been heading. "I myself have been in a few confrontations with former lovers and the new men in their lives, the look your Chakotay gave me as you introduced us, was something close to what I felt my own face take on during those occasions."

She laughed, "and what look is that?"

"The look of bitter hatred and jealousy," he replied in a theatrical manner that lightened the truth of the words.

Slapping his arm playfully she looked up at him, "and exactly how many confrontations have you had?"

He shot her an aghast expression, "Katie O'Clare, I'll have you know that a gentleman never tells, and need I remind you that I am a gentleman to the core."

She rolled her eyes, although she knew he was a hologram, sometimes she could almost believe that he was a real flesh and blood male.

_To be continued._


	14. Larger than life

_Disclaimer: Paramount, Viacom, rah rah rah._

Chapter 14: Larger Than Life

_Five years and eight months- Collective_

Chakotay vividly remembered the first time he had seen his son. It had been very early in the morning, and like many of the crew he had remained up all night to find out the progress of the captain's labour. After many long hours of waiting, the announcement of a baby boy had been made by the doctor, and the crew visibly relaxed and smiled and started a short celebration that had gone on for a couple of hours in the mess hall where many of the crew including their first officer had congregated.

Doing what he thought was expected of an impartial first officer he had remained at the celebration in the mess hall until it started to wind down to a close, and people started to remember that they were on duty later that morning, and began returning to their quarters. Chakotay had been about to do the same, as he knew that was what was expected of him, but for reasons that he later explained as curiosity towards the baby, worry over the mother and a need to be confirmed as a father, he had made his way over to sick bay.

Although he had known he was going to be a father for some months, and had known he had a son for a number of hours, it didn't really start to sink in until he saw the tiny baby in the incubator, wrapped in thermal blankets, and with an exhausted mother sleeping beside him. Those moments as his son had looked up at him for the first time, had been the most special moments in Chakotay's life, and he still looked back on them as such.

Now holding a baby girl in his arms, and awkwardly feeding her with a bottle, he was made very much aware of how inept he was with babies. So when his memories should have been concentrating on the emotions of seeing and holding his son for the first time, they instead slowly drifted to the feeling of helplessness he had felt every day after for about a year when he had seen everyone but himself with his son. There were still times when he woke up at night in a cold sweat having had nightmares of again being apart from his son… but they had become less frequent with the passing of time.

"How are you doing with her?" the doctor broke him from his revere.

"Not as good as you would be doing right now," he had complained at the time the baby had been thrust into his arms, and had yet to give up with his protests.

Shooting the commander a tight smile, the hologram crossed the sickbay with a loaded hypospray, and held it to the Borg baby's neck. "So what did you come here for?" he asked, once he had finished administering the medication.

"Actually, this is who I was here to talk to you about," he looked down at the small pink face in his arms. "Until we can locate her people, she needs to be placed into the care of someone within this crew…."

"Right," he said slowly, "is no one willing to take care of her?"

"No," Chakotay sighed, "quite the contrary, near to everyone has been volunteering, I came to ask your advice on who would be the best candidate."

"Why are you asking me?" he questioned, "isn't this something that you would normally discuss with the captain?"

He paused for a moment, wondering whether or not he should let the EMH in on the truth, he decided that it would be unfair not to. "Because, whoever doesn't get picked is going to be asking why, and I want to share the blame. The captain has therefore conveniently taken a step back from the decision making process and has asked me to take care of the matter myself."

"Ah," the doctor realised his commanding officer's conundrum, "good luck with that," he said, thinking that he might just be able to walk away without becoming involved.

"Just give me a name," Chakotay said, "then I can say that the carer was chosen by a sophisticated computer program."

Turning back around he raised an eyebrow, "I do believe that's the first compliment you've ever paid me commander."

"Just a name," he repeated.

Pulling a grim face the hologram looked rather reluctant to reply, "why can't you just do it?"

"Me?" he looked genuinely surprised.

The photon man nodded, "yes, that way you don't have to chose any one person above any other, and everyone will feel equally rejected."

Chakotay rolled his eyes at the mere suggestion, "Noah's enough of a handful for me at the moment," he shook off the thought.

The doctor sighed, "well, I suppose thinking logically, crewman Ashton would be the best choice, but whether or not she wants to…"

"I did see her name on the list of volunteers," Chakotay said thoughtfully, "why her though?"

The doctor shrugged, "she has experience with childcare, her records show that before she joined the maquis she worked at a day care centre for several years. Although she doesn't have children of her own, that actual works in her favour, as other parents aboard this ship who have been separated from their children, may find taking care of a new baby somewhat traumatic."

"Kathryn once mentioned that Claire had been very good with Noah as a baby," he recalled, "I think I'll ask her."

"I'm glad that's settled," the doctor beamed with relief as he reached out to take the baby from Chakotay's arms and held her against his shoulder to burp her, "now, if there's nothing else…"

The first officer shook his head, "that's it for now," he smiled, "but I'll direct angry crew members to sick bay, so just deactivate yourself if they get too much, and I'll have B'Elanna say that you've malfunctioned."

"Thank you, that's very kind of you," he replied dryly, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Chakotay grinned, and decided to make a quick exit from sick bay before the hologram asked him to sing the baby to sleep. As he returned to his quarters, the thought that he couldn't shake from his mind, was that he had actually been quite tempted to take care of the Borg baby himself. It wasn't that he wanted to find the easiest way out as the doctor had suggested, by making everyone feel equally rejected, or because he was up for the challenge of taking care of a baby, but more for the reason that holding that tiny girl in his arms had reminded him of what he had lost when Kathryn had miscarried, and for the briefest moment he saw a way of filling that void in his life.

It took him a while, but he eventually managed to shake the thoughts from his mind before he stepped through the doors to his quarters. Kathryn was there, of course, sitting on his couch reading through reports, she looked up when he entered, "Noah's playing in his room," she gave him an update.

"Okay," he noticed that she was starting to pack up, "do you want to stay for dinner?"

"No, I have work to do," she gave her excuse, "have you chosen someone to take care of the Borg baby?"

"Claire Ashton," he confirmed.

"Good choice," she smiled, "you know, someone's going to have to give the baby a name."

"I don't know," he shrugged, "Borg baby sounds kind of cute. I think the more pressing issue is doing something about all of these Borg we're letting onboard, Voyager's going to get a reputation if we keep it up."

She rolled her eyes, "hopefully a good one," she decided not to get into the Borg debate with her first officer, they'd had enough arguments when she'd allowed Seven to stay on the ship. Poking her head through the door to their son's bedroom she told him goodbye, and promised to see him the next day.

"I'll see you later then," he said when he saw her cross the room heading for the exit.

"Bye," she said over her shoulder just before she left

He looked at the closed doors for a moment as he remembered a time when they had been happy and content together back on new Earth. They had had their moments back on Voyager, but it had never been the same, and ultimately it hadn't been enough. With a deep breath he removed his mind from the place of new Earth, and concentrated it on the present time instead.

Looking in through the doors to his son's bedroom, he saw Noah sitting on the floor of his bedroom, contently playing alone with his toy star ships. Although everyone always told Chakotay that his son was his spitting image, every time he looked at Noah, he only ever saw Kathryn. He had her nose; small and perfectly shaped, and his hair was straight, smooth and silky like his mother's. He had adopted many of her mannerisms, such as rolling of the eyes, or fiddling with things whilst in deep thought. His face shape was starting to become angled and defined, and Chakotay was sure once his son had lost his puppy fat, as a teenager he would no doubt have a striking jaw line much like Kathryn's.

"Is that the enterprise you have there?" he questioned.

The boy glanced up, "yeah, it's losing against the Hirogen, but Voyager's about to swoop in and save it," he explained.

Chakotay chuckled, "have you started your homework?" he glanced across at the blank computer screen.

"I finished it," Noah stated, following his words with the sound of gun fire as the lifted a model of Voyager into the air and pretended that it was firing down at the enemy ship.

"You finished it?" Chakotay raised an eyebrow, and headed over to his son's desk, "did mummy help you?"

"No, mum was busy working," he explained.

"Did she pick you up early?" There were three padds with filled out and completed exercises, one in maths, one in federation standard and the third in science, he found it hard to believe that they had all been completed in the half an hour since Noah's classes had ended.

"I don't think so," finally he looked across at his father and trained his attention fully on him, "is it true that there are more children aboard Voyager?"

Chakotay was distracted by the question and forgot all about the homework, "yes, from the Borg cube."

"Borg?" he frowned, "like Seven?"

"Yes," Chakotay paused, and walked over to sit on the edge of his son's bed, "but they weren't Borg as long as Seven was."

"Are they like normal children?"

"I guess."

"How old are they?"

"Um… well they're not human, so their ages don't really compare to yours, but in equivalent terms, there's a girl about eight, and another who's only a baby, there are two boys probably a little older than you, and a much older boy. Why the questions?"

"I wanted to know if I could play with any of them."

"Maybe, after we've given them some time to adjust to being separated from the collective," pausing he looked across at his son, "do you wish you had more friends?"

"Sometimes," came a rather quiet reply, "Naomi doesn't like playing battles, and she says I'm too little to play her games, and mum's always busy, Harry and Neelix still treat me like a baby, B'Elanna's bossy, and Tom never takes me on his shuttle rides with him… sometimes I get lonely."

It was a reminder of some of the difficulties that came with raising a child aboard a star ship, especially in the middle of the delta quadrant, and his heart ached to see his son look so unhappy. "Do you want me to spend more time with you?"

"No," he looked momentarily down at the floor, then rolled his eyes, "I see you too much anyway."

Chakotay pulled a face of mock horror, "you know for that, I might ask Kath… mummy to cook dinner for us tomorrow."

Noah hardly noticed the error his father almost made as he looked alarmed at the suggestion. "I'm sorry," he took it back, "I want to spend more time with you… really."

Shaking his head he smiled in amusement, "I guess it's not the same as spending time with someone your own age though is it?"

"I guess," the boy shrugged, he'd never actually had much of a chance to meet any children at about the same level of maturity as him, as Naomi was the only other child aboard the ship and had long ago exceeded him (being half Ktaran), so she would soon be outgrowing him completely.

"Well when we get back to Earth I'm sure there will be plenty of children who would want to be friends with you there," Chakotay tried to make his son see the bright side of it all, but his words did completely the opposite as Noah's face fell further.

"You're always talking about going back to Earth," his voice sounded annoyed, "everyone is, but we've been on our way there for ever, and we're still not close to it."

"We're not as far as we used to be," he pointed out.

"Well I don't care about Earth, I don't ever want to go there," Noah shot back angrily.

Chakotay remained calm, he knew his son was only upset, "I suppose you'll be grown up before you see any of the federation planets," he said quietly. "Okay," his voice picked up, "how about I talk to Seven, and try and arrange for you and Naomi to spend time with the Borg children in the next few weeks?"

"Okay," he grudgingly agreed.

"Yeah?" he leant his head to one side and gave his son a questioning look.

Noah finally allowed a small smile to enter his face, "thank you."

"Come here," Chakotay opened his arms, and his son was quick to jump up from the floor and run into them, warmly embracing his father as he was lifted onto the lap of the man who was to him larger than life. "You know I love you more than anything Noah."

"I love you too daddy," came the boy's reply.

They remained in the tight and loving embrace for a short time before pulling back, "what do you want for dinner tonight?" Chakotay looked down at his son.

"Um, chocolate."

"Very funny," he chuckled, "how about casserole?"

"Can I help you make it?"

"Sure," he set Noah down on the ground, "go and wash your hands," he instructed as he stood from the bed and watched the five year old run off to do as he had been told. Chakotay ran a hand through his hair as he considered what his son had said, and he was taken back to a time as a young man growing up on Dorvan V and he had been thinking about joining Starfleet. At the time he had always considered that he would return to his home world, or settle down on a planet of some sort to raise a family, he had never thought about raising a child alone on a star ship, let alone in the middle of the delta quadrant. Not for the first time he wondered if it was selfish of both him and Kathryn to subject their son to the dangers of space, and the long journey to a place Noah may never consider home. Chakotay wondered about it, but for fear of Kathryn's reaction to the suggestion that they give up on their journey and settle down on a planet, he never mentioned it to anyone.

/\

_Five years and nine months_

Kathryn sat alone in her office performing her usual trick of working late into the night. She hadn't eaten, but was refuelling with her fourth cup of coffee that evening, and as she sipped gingerly at the hot black liquid she heard Chakotay's voice at the back of her mind telling her that she should be taking better care of herself.

When they had been together, he would constantly be nagging about one thing or another: to eat, to sleep, to work less, relax more, take shore leave, take fewer night shifts, spend less time in her office, spend more time with him… it was never ending, and had driven her mad. He had continued what he called caring and she called annoying for a long time after their relationship had fallen apart, and every now and again he would still force her to have dinner with him just so that he could be sure that she ate a proper meal, but in recent months his mission to save her from herself had become less insistent and disruptive and he had resorted to using passing comments and casual remarks to get his message across. She had never thought she would miss the nagging.

Thinking that maybe it was time to call it a night, and to head back to her quarters to take a long soak in the bath, she heard someone at the door to her office. Sitting back in her chair, she sighed out loud, gently rubbing her temple as she called out: "come in."

"You're up late," Chakotay noted as he entered into her office and headed over to her replicater, "tea, cream, no sugar," he instructed the computer.

Noticing that he was ordering a drink she knew that he was wanting to talk about something, and that it would probably be quite a long talk. He was also out of uniform, which meant that it probably wasn't about ship's business, as anything to do with Voyager he usually waited until the beginning of their next shift together to discuss. "I was just about to call it a night," she thought it might be enough of a hint for him change his mind about a drink and instead make arrangements to have whatever discussion he wanted to have another time.

"Then I won't keep you for too long," he said, picking up his cup and saucer from the replicater.

Kathryn restrained herself from again sighing, and instead watched helplessly as he sat himself in the seat opposite her, "so what are you here for?" she asked, bringing her mug up to her lips.

"Did you forget about Noah's check up today or could you just not be bothered?" he asked, not sounding nasty; just curious.

Her eyes widened in surprise as she suddenly remembered where she had been meant to be earlier that afternoon, "I'm sorry, it completely slipped my mind," she inwardly cursed herself for her error, "did you try and call me?"

"No."

"Why not?" she had been ready to assume that there had been some sort of problem with the comm..

"It doesn't matter," he shrugged, "I thought it would just be easier to listen to what the doctor had to say and then give you an over view later."

"An overview?" she repeated, "I wanted to be there Chakotay, you should have called me down to sick bay."

"You know, I was about to contact you," he admitted, "but by then we had already been waiting for ten minutes for you to turn up, and I figured that if it wasn't important enough for you to remember to turn up to in the first place, then it wasn't import enough to distract you from your work for."

"That's very petty of you," it was also very unlike him.

He shrugged, "call it what you will, but maybe next time you can remember where you have to be, and at what time without relying on me to remind you."

For a few seconds she considered responding in kind, but she really was too tired for a row and he did have a point that it was her fault for forgetting. "So what did the doctor say?" she asked, thinking it might be best to get to the point they both really wanted to get to before alpha shift started.

"He was just explaining some of the observations that you, myself and Noah's teachers have been making recently," Chakotay decided to drop his attack on her for the time being.

"Which particular observations?" she asked, not quite sure that she had really made any significant ones herself over the past few weeks.

He paused, wondering for a moment whether or not she too had noticed anything, but thought it best not to again bring up the point about the lack of time that she was spending with her son. "Well, in a few weeks, as you know he and Naomi were meant to be separated into different classes because Naomi is so much more advanced than Noah, and we thought that they might do better being taught individually at their different levels. However, in the past few months, Noah has slowly been catching up with Naomi on an academic level, so the doctor tested him, and looking at his educational development, he is the equivalent to a eight year old human boy."

"Eight?" the new information came as a surprise to her; she had known her son was quick to learn, but had never thought he was that far advanced for his age.

"I know," he leant back in his chair and took a sip of his drink, "apparently the genetic changes happening to Noah are affecting the speed and efficiency in which his brain can process information. By the time he's ten, the doctor thinks that he may have completed all of his compulsory education, but physically and emotional he will be no better developed than any other human ten year old."

"So we're keeping him in Naomi's classes?" she asked.

"For as long as he can keep up," Chakotay shrugged, then paused for a moment as he took some time to study her, "you don't look too thrilled at the news that our son's a child genius."

Her eyes flickered across to meet his, and she could see by his expression that he wasn't exactly celebrating either, "I guess most parents would be ecstatic to hear that their child is academically ahead of himself…"

"Most parents don't have to deal with genetic alterations occurring to their children imposed by advanced alien beings," he grinned mildly.

She smiled, "and to think Sam was expressing worries a few years back about the unknowns of raising a Ktaran child."

"I wouldn't change him though," Chakotay mused, and when a silence shortly followed his words he looked up to again examine his captain's response to his words. "You would?"

For a second she looked reluctant to reply, then she conceded with a small nod, "I would never change the person he is… but it would be a lot easier if we didn't have all of these little surprises with him every now and again."

"You think it would have been better if we hadn't have had him?" he asked, although already knowing her answer before she gave it to him.

She shrugged, "I love him," she insisted, "but Voyager isn't the ideal place to raise a child, especially as a captain. I feel I can't be a good mother, and I can't take care of him and spend the time with him that he deserves whilst I'm in command of this ship; I'm not sure how I managed my first year alone with him. I'm not sure how you cope with him and your command responsibilities."

He felt the tension in the room rising, and thought fast to defuse it, "I'm very good at delegating," he grinned.

Kathryn allowed the corners of her lips to lift up slightly, "I don't think I've every thanked you properly for all that you do."

"He's my son," he shrugged, "and if your role as captain has to come above that as a mother, then this is how it has to be, even if sometimes I don't seem to understand."

Smiling appreciatively she nodded, "I'm glad the caretaker chose you as the father."

Chakotay raised an eyebrow, "do you ever wonder why we were chosen?"

"Random, maybe, or because we were both captain's," she shook her head, "I don't think we'll ever know."

He nodded, and after taking a moment longer to think about what often consumed his mind, he shook the thoughts from his head and placed his cup and saucer on her desk. "Have you eaten this evening?"

Considering lying she was about to say that she had, but found herself shaking her head, "I was going to grab a bite to eat when I go back to my quarters."

"How about we go to the mess hall," he suggested as he stood, "I think Neelix still had some stew left when I passed through there a short time ago."

"Still had some left?" she looked cautious, "was it bad?"

He chuckled lightly, "there's only one way to find out."

Feeling that she had little other choice, she folded down the screen to her computer, and came around her desk, accepting his invitation as she followed him out onto the bridge.

_To be continued._


	15. Imprint

_Disclaimer: Voyager not mine, characters not mine, story is mine._

Chapter 15: Imprint.

_Five years, eleven months- Fury_

People were rushing about the bridge, frantically typing in commands to prevent the ship from collapsing in on itself from the damage that it had sustained, Tuvok was giving orders over his comm. badge for more security to report to engineering, and Chakotay was working with Harry to divert power to emergency force fields. But there was something very different since Kathryn had given her last order, as the major damage reports stopped, and the sounds of explosions ceased and Kathryn waited impatiently to hear what was happening.

"Warp power is returning to normal," Tom reported.

"B'Elanna, report," Kathryn barked.

There was a pause, "captain, Kes has stopped doing… whatever it was that she was doing."

"Is she still in engineering?" she asked.

"Yes," again the chief engineer took a moment before continuing, "so is Noah."

"Noah," some of the alarm she felt slipped into her voice and she felt more than saw Chakotay cross the bridge towards her.

"He must have entered whilst Seven and I were trying to shut down the warp core…" there was an unintentional pause as the chief engineer was suddenly distracted, "captain, I think you should get down here," she suggested.

"Is something wrong?" Kathryn stood from her seat, and without hesitating made a beeline for the turbo lift, turning just before she entered to make a quick choice between her first officer and chief of security to accompany her, both of who were looking ready to follow her to engineering.

"I'm not sure. You should come down here and see for yourself." B'Elanna didn't mean to unnecessarily worry her captain, but she knew she wouldn't be able to simply explain what was happening.

"Tuvok, you have the bridge," Kathryn made the emotional choice instead of the logical as Chakotay entered the turbo lift after her.

Once the order had been made for the turbo lift to go down to engineering, some of the worry that Kathryn felt towards her son was replaced by anger at the realisation that she was allowing her emotions to dictate her actions. The ship was falling apart, and as captain her place was on the bridge, but as a mother she was instinctively drawn to her son to check that he was okay. It happened in every battle situation; there was always a piece of her mind worrying about Noah, where he was, if he was safe, who he was with… over the years she gotten better and better at ignoring those thoughts, but they never went away, and every now and again they would take complete control of her.

"I'm sure he's okay," Chakotay said soothingly, "B'Elanna didn't sound too worried over the comm.."

She turned to him angrily, "Noah knows to stay put whenever there's an emergency, and I've told him a thousand times not to visit any critical areas of the ship without supervision."

"Neelix may have been taking him there before Kes' shuttle arrived," he gave a reasonable explanation for their son's presence in engineering, "it all happened so fast, Neelix may not have had time to take him to the mess hall."

Looking unconvinced her anger wasn't in any way quelled, "why would Neelix be taking Noah to engineering? The children don't have any lessons today."

Chakotay sighed inwardly, he could see that she was angry not only at their son being somewhere he shouldn't be, but also at her own reaction to what B'Elanna had told them. Although he himself was worried and concerned over the safety of Noah, he had long ago learnt to just accept that feeling of complete helplessness he experienced in such situations, and he got on with it as best he could. Kathryn wasn't able to accept the fact that she didn't always have control, and so she took the news that their son could potentially be in danger very hard.

"Well let's not jump to any conclusions," he tried his best to prevent her thinking of everything bad that could have happened.

Turning to him she looked about ready to make a reply, but the doors to the turbo lift opened, and she forgot about anything she was going to say, as she stepped out into the corridor, and made getting to engineering as fast as possible her top priority.

It was dark when they entered engineering, the edges of the room lit up by consoles lining the walls and the dim emergency lighting making it possible to see elsewhere. The warp core gave off its usual blue illumination in the centre of the space, as the plasma moved about randomly inside, bathing everything in the immediate vicinity in its soft glow. Kes was sat just before the warp core, on her knees, bent slightly forwards with her eyes closed and a peaceful look on her face. In front of her Noah was stood, with a hand held up to the side of the ocampan's face. After taking a long look at the strange sight Kathryn and Chakotay trained their attention on B'Elanna and Seven who were standing by a console watching the scene with odd curiosity.

"What's going on?" she took command of the situation and decided that the gathering of information was required before she took any action.

B'Elanna looked round, the baffled expression on her face mirroring the confusion that they had heard in her voice earlier. "I'm not sure captain," she crossed over to where her two commanding officers were stood, Seven following closely behind. "When Noah entered engineering, Kes simply stepped away from the warp core. For a moment she looked as if she was about to collapse, then she went to her knees and Noah approached her before we could really register what was happening. They've been like this since."

"What are they doing?" Chakotay asked, glancing round at his son once again.

"We have run some preliminary scans," Seven stepped forwards, "from what we can tell they have entered a telepathic connection."

"Telepathic connection?" she repeated.

"That's not the strangest part," B'Elanna cut in, "Kes has erected some form of force field around herself and Noah. We have yet to find a way of penetrating it, without injuring either of them."

"Have you called the doctor?" Kathryn asked.

"I have, but he's busy in sick bay, and our scans don't indicate that they are in any danger," B'Elanna explained why the EMH wasn't already present, "so he's making sick bay his priority at the moment."

If Kathryn had have had a choice, she would have preferred that the doctor were examining her son, but she realised that the hologram's reasons for not being there were logical, and there was little point in arguing with him to get down to engineering.

Before any more questions could be asked, or answers attempted, a gasp from one of the security officers standing closely by the scene diverted their attention back over to Kes and Noah. The Ocampan, who had aged considerably in the years since they had last seen her, adopted a slightly pained expression as her old and weathered face started to change. Her wrinkled skin started to tighten and return to the pale, youthful skin they all remembered her to have. Her grey hair started to colour, until it was the same golden blonde of the almost four year old woman who had left the ship three years previously, and a healthy pink glow returned to her cheeks.

In an instant, and without any warning, her eyes flickered open and she took in a sharp breath. Any pain she had been experiencing seemed to vanish, as a soft smile was plastered across her face and she met the gaze of the young boy standing in front of her. "Thank you," she said quietly.

Noah dropped his hand from the side of her face, and allowed her to run an affectionate hand through his dark hair before he glanced across at the familiar group of security guards, and then turned his head completely to see his parents standing, watching him in a stunned silence.

Instinctively Kathryn crossed the deck over to where her son was, and as she had suspected, the force field that had previously been erected around the two of them had been dropped, and she was able to reach out to her son and pull him into her arms without any form of resistance. "Are you okay?" she asked the young boy now held in her arms.

"What the hell just happened?" Chakotay stepped towards Kes before his son had a chance to reply.

The Ocampan woman stood from the floor, the soft smile still apparent on her face despite the fact that the security officers were remembering her previous furious and explosive state and were raising their phasers in preparation for a repeat event. "Noah isn't entirely human is he?" she looked between Kathryn and Chakotay.

The commanding officers exchanged a brief look, and there was a short moment before either of them volunteered a response. "Not completely, no," Kathryn confirmed.

"He was conceived aboard the caretaker, using my own, and Kathryn's DNA," Chakotay added, not completely sure if he should so freely be offering up the information.

Reaching a hand out, Kes tenderly touched the side of the boy's face, "the caretaker," she repeated softly, "I see that now. But he wasn't like this before, he has changed since I last saw him."

"It has been three years," B'Elanna reminded her.

"Not just his age," Kes repeated, looking across at the chief of engineering, "his entire being is different. He has so much more potential than I think you realise Kathryn," she turned her eyes to the mother of the boy.

"What do you mean?" she asked, remembering when the doctor had first informed her of the changes that were occurring slowly, but steadily to the genetic make up of her son. Since then, there had been check ups, and his condition hadn't changed, but then it hadn't worsened, and so they had decided not to take any action for fear of creating a problem by trying to solve one that hadn't been there in the first place.

"I mean that one day, he will become more powerful than I ever could be." She noticed her captain's worried expression, "not for a long while I don't think," she tried to sound reassuring, "but whereas I wasn't prepared for everything that awaited me, somehow I think Noah will be able to control and understand everything about this wonderful gift."

"Gift?" Chakotay repeated with a frown, not quite sure he would use exactly the same wording, "what did you just do to him?"

"I didn't do anything," she said. "For years my powers have been in complete control of me, and whilst I was tormented by them, I started to wrongly blame Voyager for leaving me in the middle of the delta quadrant, unprepared, without a clue, and all alone. I came here with the intention of going back in time to save myself from ever venturing away from my home world, but just before I made that jump in time, I sensed another presence calling out to me. Noah came here to engineering to help me, and he has," she touched her face, "somehow he has given me back the control that I lost so long ago, and the youth that has been slipping away from me since." She beamed widely, "I feel like my old self again."

"How could he do that?" Chakotay not only looked confused, but also very worried.

Her smile fell, "I'm not sure, and I don't know why the caretaker has done this; but I think when the time is right, Noah will know what to do."

Kathryn looked down at her son in her arms, although she loved him more than it was possible to describe or explain, she couldn't help feel somewhat resentful of the caretaker for what he had done. There had been a few but rather large hurdles to overcome since she had found out that she was to be a mother. The first had been the unexpected, and inconvenient timing of the pregnancy, then there had been the idea of the father being a man who she hardly knew and trusted even less, later followed by the revelation that the caretaker had impregnated her without explanation or waiting for consent.

From the moment that Noah was born, she had instantly fallen in love with him, which had made it easy to forget that she had taken no willing part in creating her son, and so she had been able to pretend that he was like any other child. Then the Devore inspectors had revealed to her and Chakotay that there had been more intervention from the caretaker than they had initially considered. That news had been a little easier to accept, as it hadn't really affected Noah at the time, but now to hear from Kes that the alterations being made to his genetic structure were already changing who her son was, it was a more frightening concept than when she was first told that she was to be a mother.

"He will be fine," Kes saw the worried expression in Kathryn's face reflected back in Chakotay's.

"Can you not stop what's happening to him?" she asked, deciding that she'd rather not find out what 'potential' her son had. She'd had quite enough surprises as far as her son was concerned.

"I wouldn't know how to, even if I knew it was the right thing to do," she answered apologetically, "I'm sorry that I can't offer you the help that you want, or an explanation, but I can promise to return to Voyager if I sense that your son is in any danger from what is happening, and offer whatever assistance I can."

"You don't plan on staying with us aboard Voyager?" Kathryn asked, now sad to suddenly hear that her old friend was making plans to leave them again after such a brief visit.

"I can't," she said equally sadly, "I don't know how much longer my control will last, and I need some time to think through everything whilst my mind is clear, and to find a way of remaining this way."

"Where will you go?" Chakotay's previous worry over the safety of his son had slipped away from him, and now he only felt the ache that came with knowing that you had a difficult goodbye to say ahead of you.

"I'm not sure," she noticed that the security officers had placed their phasers back in their holsters, "maybe back to Ocampa, I think I need to spend some time with my own people again."

It was then that Kes turned to the now at ease security detail, and in turn greeted them in the warm and friendly manner that they all recognised as the Ocampan who had lived with them for so many years. Despite the insistent persuasion from all that had known her well, she refused to stay aboard the ship, and without explanation they all understood why, as she had long ago left and moved on with her life, and to stay would be to relive a past that needed no reviving.

Before she started to make her way to the transporter room to return to her shuttle, she had stood in engineering, and with little more that the closing of her eyelids, and the traces of a concentrating frown, she repaired the damage that she had caused to Voyager. Noah had said goodbye to her as if she was any other alien he had only recently met, seemingly nonplussed by what he had done, and then Kathryn had handed him across to his father, who after exchanging an affectionate embrace with Kes, had taken Noah from engineering.

In the transporter room Kes had seen Neelix for the first time in almost three years, and had taken her arms around him in a bittersweet farewell. And then she had left. She had transported across to her shuttle, and only seconds later, her shuttle was reported to be off the ship's sensors.

-

Kathryn watched her son sleeping soundly in his bed, his dark hair ruffled, and a peaceful expression on his face (that reminded her much of his father's) as he dreamt. After the days events Chakotay had taken him to sickbay whilst she had said farewell to Kes in the transporter room, and their son had been given a full medical examination once the doctor had stabilised all the rest of his patients.

The EMH hadn't been able to further enlighten them as to exactly what had happened, all that he had been able to say was that whatever Noah had done, was most probably the result of the stimulation that Kes had provided, and now that she had left, his brain patterns had returned to normal. They weren't sure whether to try to recreate a similar situation to provoke the telepathic abilities that there son may process, or just to leave it, in case they caused more harm in there investigations. One thing that had been made clear, was that what was happening to their son on a genetic scale, would ultimately affect the course of his life.

Feeling Chakotay come up and stand behind her to gaze at their son for a while through the open door, it wasn't until she felt his hand rest on her shoulder that she said anything. "He's only a child, he has the right to grow up like any other boy," she said, the anguish she felt towards the situation evident in her voice.

"Are you saying that we should consider the treatment the doctor came up with?" he asked in a hushed voice, not wanting to wake his son.

"I don't like the idea of not knowing what to expect," she admitted, "at least if we stop the alterations that are occurring to his genetic structure, we won't have to find out what they're for."

He sighed heavily, the idea of the treatment had been weighing heavily on his mind for the past few months, but up until now he had been able to put off making a decision. "What's happening to him isn't an accident though, what right do we have to stop this?"

"We're his parents," her voice was heavy, "we should do all we can to help him now, because we don't know what will happen in the future."

"You're thinking that something bad is going to happen," he pointed out, taking a step back, "the way that he reached out to Kes today, I think that's a good sign of what's to come."

"I don't want to take any kind of risk with my son Chakotay," she walked away from the door and over to the couch, the bedroom doors closing behind her as she did so. She paused before she looked round to meet his gaze, "I don't understand why this is happening to him," she said as she sank down onto the couch, feeling rather deflated by everything that was going on.

"This is obviously what the caretaker intended," he reasoned. "For a long time we wondered why the caretaker had impregnated you, the foetus was scanned and probed and nothing unusual came up. So we considered that maybe it had been an accident, or that the caretaker had been experimenting with our species. And then when Noah was born, and we both saw that he had ten fingers and ten toes just like any other human baby," Chakotay smiled at the memory, as he crossed the room to join her, "we started forgetting to question why, and we simply told ourselves that he was our son, and there was nothing more to it than that."

"He is our son," she insisted as he sat down beside her.

"I'm not doubting that," he was quick to reassure her, "but what I am saying is that he was created by the caretaker, and it was naïve of us to think that this was ever going to be simple. Maybe when the caretaker realised just before his death that he would never be able to have his own offspring, creating Noah was his way of passing down at least some part of what he was, of leaving just enough of an imprint for him to live on through an alien being. Noah may be part of the caretaker, but he will always be a much larger part of us."

"For how much longer though?" her question was rhetorical, "he is becoming less and less human with each day, we should stop this whilst we can."

Chakotay bit back his immediate response until he had taken some time to consider her words. "I don't think I can agree to that," he said at last, "at least not until I see some evidence that it's the best thing to do."

"And what about if when you do see this evidence it's already too late?" she made him question himself, and again there was a long pause before he replied.

"There is no guarantee that this will work, or that this is the best thing for Noah. Right now the biggest mistake would be to be go ahead with the treatment."

Kathryn sighed, "Chakotay, I want your support even if you don't agree with me."

"I can't do that," he confessed reluctantly, knowing that his words would only anger her, "and you can't treat Noah without my permission."

"I think you'll find I can," her words were cruel even if the way she delivered them wasn't, "you may be his biological father, but he was not conceived naturally, and there are no legal documents of you adopting him. You have no legal rights over him."

"So this is what it's come down to has it?" he felt bitterly disappointed with her for stooping to such a low level to get what she wanted, but he wasn't surprised that she was manipulating the situation, she'd become quite good at it in the past few years. "You haven't taken your role as his mother seriously for a long time, and now you just expect to be able to come in and make such an important decision without me."

"I did want to make this decision with you Chakotay, but if I can't have your support, then I can't do that."

He stood from where he was sitting and strode over to the dining table, standing just before it with his arms folded and taking some calming breaths; Kathryn rarely wound him up on purpose, but when she did, she did it better than even Seska could have done. He was about to ask her to leave, but then something occurred to him that he didn't think even she had considered, and suppressing his anger as best he could he turned around to face her. "You might not need my permission for anything that involves our son," he agreed, "but you do need my permission to take a sample of my DNA that the doctor requires for the treatment."

All expression suddenly drained from her face as she realised the truth of his words, "and you would refuse to help your own child?"

"You can manipulate me into going along with your command decisions, and you can push me to one side if it means that you achieve your goal of returning home, but how dare you accuse me of not caring for my son." He shot back, "I love him more than anything, and I would give my own life for him if it meant saving him from any pain. You might be able to deny me some of my rights as his father, but for this particular decision, it's going to be me who has the ultimate say in what happens."

Kathryn stood and shot her husband a hateful glare, "I hope you don't live to regret this decision, because if anything happens to him, it's going to be you who I blame."

He shrugged, "I think maybe you should leave, I have an early start in the morning."

"You know it's at times like this when I wonder who's changed more for the worse," she said angrily, "you're always criticising me, but I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself."

He didn't say anything, just watched her expectantly until she did as instructed and walked out of his quarters, the anger evident in her stride as she left.

_To be continued._


	16. Half truths

_Disclaimer: Only the story and a couple of the characters are mine, everything else belongs to the almighty Paramount. _

Chapter 16: Half Truths

_Six years and one month- Drive_

Chakotay remembered the first time that he had met B'Elanna; he had only recently been made cell leader, been assigned his first mission and was standing by the ramp that had been lowered from the belly of his ship and checking off the crew and supplies as they boarded. The half Klingon had approached him with a small duffle bag slung over her shoulder and a flustered expression on her face. "Name?" he had asked, looking down at the padd in his hand.

"B'Elanna Torres," she had informed him.

After taking a long look at the list of names in front of him he met her gaze and shook his head, "you don't appear to be on here."

"That's because I'm looking for assignment," she quickly explained, "this is the only ship leaving this week, and I don't want to wait around on the planet to join the next crew."

He frowned, and gave her a good look up and then down, "what position do you want?"

"I'm an engineer," the half Klingon replied.

"And you want to join the maquis because…?"

"Does it really matter why?" she snapped.

He raised an eyebrow, "it might."

"I have nothing better to do," she shrugged, "now do you need another engineer or not? I mean, it's not exactly like you have volunteers knocking down your doors."

Chakotay had made a quick assessment of the woman standing in front of him. She had a temper, and he could see that she was part Klingon, and from experience he knew that a Klingon temper could easily get out of hand. She appeared to have a no nonsense attitude and a chip on her shoulder the size of the southern most continent of the planet, maybe about the federation, or the Cardassians, (he couldn't be sure which) but then that was not much different than most of the maquis. Finally it did not escape him that she was still a young woman, in her early to mid twenties, and for that reason alone he was reluctant to recruit her, knowing that if she were to be killed in battle, it would be all the worse as she still had so much of her life ahead of her.

"We've got plenty of engineers," he said at last, "the Trojan is coming by in eight days, I hear their captain is looking for more hands."

For a moment she looked about ready to make a further argument, but then she forced her mouth closed and nodded politely, "sure," she said, before turning and walking away.

Feeling pressure on his arm, Chakotay turned to see Seska standing beside him, her gaze in the direction of the woman heading away from the ship. "Olak just called in, apparently he's been in a bar fight; three broken ribs, concussion and the entire left side of his face is swollen, he won't be flying with us for a while. You should let join our crew."

"We don't need her," he shrugged off her arm.

"You let that blond pilot join our crew," Seska reminded him, "you take your gamble, and I'll have mine."

He considered her words, remembering the way she had argued against letting Tom Paris fly with them, and then eventually dropped her argument when she had realised that it was getting her nowhere; he worried that she may start it up again if he didn't at least do something to appease her. "We need someone to replace Olak," he reasoned, not wanting to giver her total satisfaction of winning him over as he ran off in the direction B'Elanna was walking.

Since that day as he had told B'Elanna that after all he was looking for an engineer, he found himself actually grateful for once that he had listened to Seska, knowing that if he hadn't, he would never have made one of the best friends he had ever known.

Now Chakotay stood outside her quarters, as he had been standing for the past ten minutes, and his patience was starting to wane. He considered pressing the panel at the side of the door to remind her that he was still waiting, but just as his hand wavered he decided against it. Although in the years that they had known one another, she had become very good at keeping her temper under check, he knew that sometimes her control could slip when she was under pressure.

His patience was rewarded as only seconds later the doors opened, to reveal the half Klingon clad in her dress uniform. Her hair done up in a delicate style that complimented her face shape, and her makeup done with care and precision, highlighting her delicate features. Chakotay glanced over her shoulder to see Celes standing behind her, looking rather flustered, no doubt having been given an earful and more from the chief engineer as she had helped B'Elanna get ready. They exchanged a brief smile, and then Voyager's first officer trained his attention back on his closest friend. "You look beautiful," he stated.

For once she accepted a compliment and smiled graciously, "ready to give me away?" she questioned, stepping through the doors of her quarters.

"Not really," he encouraged her to slip her arm through his, "so I hope you'll understand if I'm a little reluctant to let go of you as I walk you up the isle."

B'Elanna punched him playfully in the upper arm as they walked together down the corridor, "I thought you'd decided that you liked Tom now?"

"I do," he admitted, then his expression turned a little more serious, "and I'm glad that you're happy with him," he paused, "but I love you like a sister B'Elanna, so if I'm a little reluctant to give you away, it's not because I don't think Tom won't be a wonderful husband, because I know he will, but because to me you'll always be the young woman who came aboard my ship and cried for three hours when the Cardassians blew out our warp core after you'd spent two weeks fixing it up."

She smiled easily over at him, "I still have a little cry the first time the ship gets damaged after a maintenance overhaul."

Chakotay chuckled lightly, "and does Tom let you cry on his shoulder?"

"Every time," she replied.

He glanced across at her, "then I guess I'll have to let you marry him."

Moments later and he was giving her away, and watching as Kathryn performed the ceremony that bound the two lovers together. The first time he had met B'Elanna he had almost sent her away to join another ship, thinking she might be too much of a handful for him to manage, seven years later and he was watching her marry Tom Paris, wondering how he would have managed a day without her since.

/\

_Six years and two months- Repression_

Kathryn raised a hand to her forehead which had only recently made contact with the corner of the coffee table, it felt wet, and looking down at her fingers she saw blood. "Chakotay, this isn't you," she stated, sounding almost calm as pulled herself from the floor and stood.

"It's always been me," he snarled, "every time I touched you, and I kissed you, and I fucked you, it was always me, and every time I said it, I never loved you. You disgust me, everything that makes you part of the federation and Starfleet disgusts me. So whatever part of me that you think you can appeal to for the safety of your crew is a waste of time, because not only is that part of me not there, but it never was."

He had started to move so close to her that she had been forced to take a few steps back, but when she did she only reached the wall, and as he continued to close in on her she realised that there was no escaping him. "You can't run this ship with the skeleton of a crew you have control of," she reminded him.

A cruel smile took over his face, one that she had never seen before, and was so uncharacteristic of her first officer that she was almost able to pretend that he was someone else. "I don't think your crew are as loyal to you as you think they are. As soon as they realise there's no way of you ever taking back control, they'll start to join my people." He paused, his breathing heavy and in her face, "now the question is, what shall I do with you? I could kill you, that would of course be the easiest option. I could leave you on a planet to fend for yourself," his lip quirked up wickedly as he ran a hand slowly through her hair, "or else I could allow you to remain on this ship… but you would have to show me that such a decision would be personally beneficial for me."

It didn't take her much to realise what he was talking about, and for a moment she wondered if in his distorted memories of the past six years aboard Voyager he had remembered their son. "And what do you mean by that?" she asked, hoping that she was wrong about his intentions.

He looked down at her hungrily, pressing his body a little closer to hers, "don't make me say it," he said in a low voice, "I haven't had a good fuck in a long time, and the holodecks really do you women no justice."

Kathryn swallowed hard at his suggestion, and closed her eyes as she tried her best to remember that her Chakotay would never consider doing this to her, but it was hard to convince herself such things when the same dark eyes that had met hers so many times in a loving gaze, now looked at her as if she was nothing more than an exciting new plaything. "I'll need some time to think about that," she answered, thinking that it might be enough to cause him to back off for the time being until she could come up with a plan to save her ship and the maquis members of her crew.

Barely seeming as if he had registered the words she had said he closed the gap between them and placed his lips to her neck, "I should think fast," he said between advances, "because I want to take you right now, and after that I want to show you the real me that you've been missing these past six years for every night until I get bored of you."

She tried to push him away, to lean out of the path his lips were making, but it was to no avail, and it wasn't until his next words that she really started to worry, "play nice Kathryn, I still haven't decided what to do with that bastard of yours."

Her eyes shot open in sudden alarm, and when he saw that he had struck on something he laughed, "what's wrong? Do you really think I would forget the thing that has sickened me the most all of these years. You stole a part of me, and used it against me, denied me it, and then forced it upon me. The worst part of it is that I share something with the federation, you don't know how difficult it was for me not to smother him in his sleep, or construct an accident in the holodeck, to drown him in his bath…"

"He's your son," she cut him off before he could go into detail about all of the ways he had thought of killing their son, "you love him."

Chakotay shook his head, "you can't use him to manipulate me anymore, because I've given up the pretence of caring."

"If it's been so difficult why have you kept up this pretence for so long?" she asked, thinking maybe she could get him to think through his mind control.

He shrugged, "it was worth it for the time I had you in my bed."

"You were in my bed," she pointed out an error in his words, "in my quarters, on my terms, and it's been over for a long time since, why take over my ship now?"

"There was still a chance that we could work it out," he said slowly.

"It's been obvious for a long while now that that's not going to happen," she informed him as if he didn't already know, "and if I disgust you so much, then why would you want to be with me?"

He paused, and she could see him suddenly questioning what was happening, his mind was ticking over and for a long moment he looked confused. Then the confusion on his face started to disappear, and she watched as it was replaced by anger, she only realised that she had lost him again too late. He moved so fast that she didn't have a chance to react as he swung his hand, slapped her harshly across the face, and took a step away from her, causing her to sway on her feet at the shock of what he had done, and at suddenly having to support her own weight. "You're right," he said at last, "why would I want to be with you?"

Before she had a chance to think of something to keep his attention on her, or to convince herself that she needed to keep him focussed on her, he had invited in Ayala to her ready room and ordered that she be returned to the brig. Kathryn gave him a final look as she was more or less dragged out of the room, and the look in his eye was something that she never wanted to see ever again.

-

Kathryn sat at her desk, working busily at her computer, pausing frequently to take sips from her mug of hot coffee. Hearing someone at the door she took her eyes from her work, "enter," she instructed, not at all surprised when her first officer slowly entered, looking more than a little nervous.

"How are you?" she asked, genuinely concerned since Tuvok had initiated a second mind meld and released him from the mind control.

"Still a little groggy," he replied, "I still don't really remember much of what happened. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she reassured him.

He paused for a moment as he considered her words, and for a moment he looked reluctant to broach the topic that he obviously wanted to discuss. "Apparently I had you alone in here for a long time," he said slowly and looked rather worried, "did I hurt you?"

For a moment she considered telling him the truth, that he had been physically abusive, threatened to kill her and their son, and had told her everything about their life together had been a lie. But however much she wanted to give him an honest answer, she knew that for him to hear that he had become something that he hated so much would almost be too much for him, and she realised that a variation of the truth was in order. "No."

He looked unconvinced, "Kathryn, you know that I would never intentionally hurt you, but I need to know what happened in the forty five minutes that we were in here."

"You didn't hurt me Chakotay," she reassured him, "you wanted me to persuade the rest of the crew to join you, I refused, you got angry, and then you sent me back to the brig," she gave him a selective overview of what had happened.

"Is that all that happened?" he continued to pursue the topic.

"Yes," she lied.

Chakotay gave her a long look, but she had become so good at lying over the years, and had practiced her captain's mask to such perfection that finally he started to believe her. Sighing out loud he shot her a short smile, "then we're good?"

She nodded and returned the smile, not allowing it to drop until he had left her office and most likely returned to the bridge. Taking a moment to clear her mind of the man who had looked so much like Chakotay, but had been nothing like she knew he would ever be, she returned to her work, and tried her best not to think any more about the entire incident.

/\

_Six years and five months- Shattered_

Her gaze drifted towards the plasma swirling around in the warp wore, and it didn't take him much to guess exactly what she was thinking; he might no longer know the Kathryn Janeway of his time very well, but this one he was able to read like a book. She was still the same woman who he had at first fallen in love with, the strong and confident captain who had taken a chance on him and placed a trust in him that still to this day made him feel very honoured. She smiled easily and often. Her eyes still sparkled as she talked. She looked happy and content, and as he spent more time with her, he started to realise exactly how much Voyager had taken out of her over the years.

When she had heard about all of the dangerous situations Voyager would be pushed into, and asked him if it wouldn't be better for her go back to her Voyager and prevent them ever venturing into the delta quadrant, he had been more than a little tempted to agree with her, if only to save her from the woman that she would slowly become. But then he had remembered all of the good things that had come out of their voyage together, the friendships that had been formed, the maquis who would have otherwise died, and the lives that they had saved and changed along the way, and he knew that although the journey would be difficult for her, it was a journey that had to be taken. It was when he had told her this, that her gaze had drifted, and she had slipped into her private thoughts.

Finally she looked back up at him, "if I don't take Voyager into the badlands, then I will never know my son, will I?"

Earlier they had gone to astrometrics, where they had met two men and a woman, far into both of their futures; The eldest man was from a species that Kathryn hadn't recognised, and had traces of metal implants on his face; he had introduced himself as Icheb. The young woman gave her name as Naomi Wildman, and upon recognising her facial features as Ktaran, she had established that she was meeting Samantha Wildman's daughter. Finally she had turned to the young man who up until that point had remained silent. He was tall and had a dark complexion which included dark brown hair that could almost have been black and one of the deepest sets of chocolate brown eyes she had ever seen. He was muscular and handsome, and when he smiled to introduce himself he revealed two gorgeous dimples that looked very familiar to her. "Noah Janeway," he said, his voice rich and authoritative, and at hearing the surname of the young man who had been stood before them, her eyes shot open with surprise, but Noah had simply smiled and nodded, "I'm your son," he confirmed.

"My son?" she had repeated, glancing across at Chakotay to be sure that she had heard right, but before he could affirm that she had, her curiosity was already getting the better of her and she trained her attention back on Noah, "who's your father?"

Chakotay had suspected it was Noah the moment their gazes had clashed upon his entrance, and had made a quick decision at the time to avoid a situation where Kathryn would find out, knowing that it would only raise further questions, but in that moment he worried that it might be too late.

"I'm afraid I can't say," Noah's eyes twinkled almost mischievously, "temporal prime directive."

She had looked him up and then down, but realising that he had a good reason not to tell her, she had dropped the line of questions she had been preparing to fire at him, and up until they had reached engineering, Chakotay had thought that that might be the end of it; he was wrong.

"No, you won't," he answered her question, his mind now back in the present and he stood in front of her, bathed in the glow from the warp core.

"And his father?" she pressed, her eyes never leaving his.

"Will fall in love with you," he admitted, all the while knowing that he shouldn't.

She paused for a moment, and he thought that she might drop the topic, but then she closed the gap between them and at her next question, he knew that she suspected something. "And us? Exactly how close do we become?"

He glanced over her shoulder to avoid her penetrating look, knowing that he should end the conversation now before he gave too much away. He knew he should take a step back from her and give them both some space, but he was intoxicated by her. She reminded him of all of the things that had caused him to fall in love with his Kathryn in the first place; like the way she smiled, how she made him feel when they were alone, the smell of her perfume, the way she walked and wore her hair. Some of them things that had changed about her over the years, others were just the small things that he had become so accustomed to that he had almost forgotten.

Before he could do what he knew he should do, she had closed the gap between them and was pressing her lips to his, and suddenly he found himself doing exactly what he shouldn't be doing, and returned the kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he pulled her body closer, his hands rested on either side of her hips. The kiss started to intensify as the passion that he had felt early on in their relationship reasserted itself, and he felt his resolve slowly slipping away from him. She pulled back from him before he found himself lost in her completely.

"I guess we become quite close," she answered her own question as she recovered from the sensation of what she had just initiated.

He nodded, struggling to regain control of his own emotions, feeling very confused at how he felt towards her, and the woman who he had married. "Two years into your future you tell me that you love me, I will have been falling in love with you from the moment we meet, so the moment you say those words it will become as close and serious as it gets."

"And Noah's father?" she questioned, wanting the final piece of the puzzle before they had to part ways.

"That would be me," he thought there was no use denying it any longer.

She took a step away from him and held a hand up to the side of her head as she thought through and processed all of the new information. "So we command a ship together, and we raise a child together?"

He nodded.

"Do we decide to have a child?" she asked, not sure why she would chose to start a family whilst stranded in the middle of the delta quadrant with no federation support and no deep space stations to visit for replenishment of supplies.

"I shouldn't say," he said, "you already know too much about your future."

Her head shot round, "well you can't only show me half the story without expecting me to want to know about the rest of it… Are we happy?"

This time he looked away, he had thought that a few half truths would be okay, but he was just digging himself into a hole. He wanted to tell her that no, eventually neither of them were happy, with themselves or with each other, that they would eventually drive each other apart but their love would forever prevent them for letting go completely. Although he knew that she would have no memories of her experiences when he fixed the temporal anomaly, he stopped himself from telling her what was really to come, and forced a smile and nodded, "always," he lied.

It seemed a good enough answer for her, as she visibly relaxed and returned the smile, "then maybe this Voyage won't be so bad after all."

There was nothing he could say to that, and as she seemed satisfied with his answer he couldn't help himself from the feeling that he was betraying her by not telling her exactly what was to come.

_To be continued._


	17. Moving on

_Disclaimer: Voyager and its characters are property of paramount._

Author's note: I should warn you that I have continued to stick to cannon on this occasion, so yes, C7 is touched on in this chapter. Although I agree with most JCers that the Chakotay Seven relationship is very wrong, I felt that not addressing it would be cheating, and so it has been included. Don't worry, everything will work itself out in the end.

Chapter 17: Moving On

_Six years and six months_

On hearing the doors to sick bay open, Chakotay glanced across to see Kathryn hurriedly enter, locate the group and head over towards them. "What happened?" she asked, hands on hips and looking more than a little flustered, but her eyes instinctively wandered over to where her son lay, unconscious and motionless, and instantly her worry rose to another level.

"Your son suffered a minor seizure in response to a sudden elevation in teleneurotic brain patterns," the doctor explained, stepping away from the console he had been working at, "but he has been stabilised."

Kathryn glanced across at Chakotay, and then at Neelix in turn, willing either of them to elaborate, "what was he doing?"

"He was sitting eating lunch with Naomi and Icheb in the mess hall," the Telaxian started to explain, "and I was coming through with the desert when crewman Nicolletti bumped into me. I tripped, and the food went flying, but before anything hit the floor, it just stopped in mid air for a few seconds before gliding slowly to land safely on the nearest table. Before we could really think about what we had just seen, Noah collapsed onto the floor, and I called a medical emergency."

The explanation did very little to ease her panic, "you think the two events are related?"

"Indeed," the doctor interrupted, his eyes focused on the triquarder as he continued to scan his patient, "it would seem that not only does your son show signs of mild telepathy, but in the future I expect him to develop telekinetic skills also."

"Telekinetic?" she frowned, "he prevented the food from falling?"

"That would seem to be the case," the EMH confirmed, his expression grim as it always was when he was focussed on a task.

"Thank you for bringing him here Neelix," Chakotay said, politely giving the alien his cue to leave.

Neelix understood that the parents would want to talk to and ask the doctor more questions in private, and so excused himself from the scene, disappearing out of the door only moments later.

"How is he?" Kathryn hardly noticed Neelix's departure as she moved over to the bio bed to be closer to her child.

"Fine, as far as I can tell," the doctor replied, then saw that she still looked very worried, "he's just sleeping at the moment."

Chakotay felt her gaze shift to him, and so reluctantly he looked across at her, their eyes meeting in a fierce exchange, "is this enough of a bad sign for you?" she asked, reminding him of their argument a few months previously, when she had wanted for their son to be given treatment preventing the genetic changes, and he had been reluctant to agree to the idea of it.

"I can wake him now if you'd like," the doctor interrupted the tense moment, wishing not for the first or last time that Kes was still with him to relieve the pressure of the patients personal issues.

They both nodded and closed in around the bio bed, with the captain standing closest to her son's head, and Chakotay standing behind her, a head taller and still well within view for their son so see them both when he woke. The hologram pressed the hypospray to the boy's neck, and watch as instantly his face twitched back into life, and he opened his eyes.

Kathryn reached out and ran a hand through her son's straight black hair, smiling down at him, relieved when he met her gaze and returned the smile. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

Her question caused him to frown and he started to look further around at his surroundings, he saw his father giving him the same worried smile his mother was giving him, and the doctor holding a hypospray, then he realised where he was. "Why am I in sick bay?"

"You suddenly became ill in the mess hall," Chakotay explained, "Neelix brought you here a few minutes ago."

"Ill?" he looked around at the three people looking down at him, "I don't remember not feeling well."

"What do you remember?" Kathryn questioned, doing her best not to slip into an interrogation mode.

He shrugged, "I was eating lunch with Naomi," he stated, "and Icheb was explaining what it was like to be Borg…"

"To be Borg?" Chakotay raised an eyebrow; his son had before shown an unhealthy interest in the bionic species, and he knew that Noah had no doubt started off the conversation.

"Yeah," he struggled to sit up, "I don't think I want to be one… apparently they never get play time, and the children have tubes stuck in them, and they sleep until they're adults."

Chakotay rolled his eyes, "well, there's still plenty more career options for you to consider," he joked softly, only to receive a glare from the mother of his son, "or not," he muttered.

"Is he going to be okay now?" she looked across at the EMH.

The doctor shrugged, "from what I can tell, it was just the initial shock of using his telekinetic abilities for the first time that caused him to collapse. Next time he should be better able to handle them."

"Next time?" she repeated the words that concerned her the most.

"Well I assume that you will assign maybe Tuvok to help him to use and develop these abilities," he looked to her, and then to Chakotay for affirmation of his assumption.

Kathryn shook her head, and looked to her first officer, "I think that we should go ahead with the treatment," she told him, "before anything like this happens again… or worse."

Chakotay looked across at his son, who was now sitting up and still looking very confused at what was going on. For the past few months he had thought that he was the only thing standing between Kathryn's wish to prevent what was happening to their son, and his wish to see through whatever the caretaker had intended, but now he was coming to realise that it wasn't his decision to make. "Noah?" he looked down at the boy, "do you understand what your mother's talking about?" He received a shake of the head, "you know that recently you've been growing up differently to most human children?"

"Because I'm smarter?" he frowned.

His father chuckled lightly, and nodded, "not only because of your amazing memory and the speed at which you can learn things, but also because of what you did for Kes, and what happened in the mess hall… these aren't things that human children can do, because they're not special like you. Your mum thinks it's best that you grow up like a normal human boy, but to do this, we have to extract the parts of you that are different…"

"You want me to be normal?" he interrupted looking across at his mother, who was starting to realise exactly what Chakotay was doing, "did I do something wrong?"

His parents exchanged a quick look, and then his mother shook her head, "no, you've done nothing wrong honey… but in the future there's a chance that this will make you ill, like the way that it did in the mess hall at lunch time, and I just want to prevent anything bad happening to you."

"Bad?" he looked back at his father, now showing obvious signs of distress and panic, "like what?"

"It's unlikely that the changes that are occurring to you will cause you too much harm," the doctor spoke up, "as your body is getting better and better at adapting to everything that's happening."

"Don't worry about something bad that might not happen," Chakotay tried to calm his son down, "just worry about this: do you want to stay the way you are, and wake up in sick bay every now and again as your development takes an unexpected turn? Or do you want the doctor to make you more like other human boys, where me and your mum can tell you everything to expect?"

"Will I be less clever if I'm normal?" he asked simply.

The doctor realised that he was probably the only one who could answer this question, and grudgingly he nodded, "you'll know everything that you know now, but you won't be able to remember and learn things as quickly, and do your homework as fast as you do it now."

"Then I want to stay like I am," he looked pleadingly up at his father, as if something was about to be taken away from him, and he wanted desperately to keep it.

Chakotay studied him carefully, "are you sure?"

"Yes," he nodded firmly.

"Then I guess we'll hold off from the treatment," he said to the EMH.

The hologram smiled, "I'll need to continue checking up on Noah every week."

"Of course… are there any other tests you need to run right now?"

"No," the doctor shook his head, "you can take him home now if you want. I suggest that you give him an early night, he keeps the cortical monitor on for the next forty eight hours, and he takes tomorrow off school."

"Can I have ice cream?" Noah suddenly looked excited, remembering a time when he had been ill like many of the rest of the crew with an alien flu virus that had been brought back with vegetable supplies from a trading post. His throat had been very sore and painful for two days, and so his father had let him eat ice cream after every meal, including his breakfast.

His father chuckled, "only for dinner," he set up the restriction, "come on, I'll take you back to our quarters."

His grin widened as he jumped off the bio bed, "how many scoops can I have?"

About to answer Chakotay noticed the glare that Kathryn was giving him, "two," he answered, his attention now divided as he met her gaze.

"I guess you win," she muttered, barely aware of the doctor making himself scarce.

He felt a smaller hand tug at his, as his son was obviously unaware of the exchange between his two parents. "This isn't a competition," he stated.

"No, this is our son's future we're talking about, this is a decision that two adults should make; he's too young to make this choice," she shot at him angrily, doing her best to keep her voice low.

"Why are you so opposed to what's happening?" he sounded somewhat strained, "do you forget that the caretaker gave him to us? He is becoming whatever the caretaker intended him to become and you're scared because we weren't handed an instruction manual and told what to expect. Just because you're afraid of the unknown, doesn't mean that you have to turn our son into the normal child that you've always wanted."

"I think you're forgetting a vital point," she said through gritted teeth, not liking that way that he was again pointing out one of her flaws, "the caretaker took your DNA to make Noah, but I was the one who he impregnated, I was the one who he chose to raise our child; if he had have wanted you to raise him with me, then he would have said something to you before he died, or he would have placed us both back on the same ship together. The caretaker never knew that we would end up raising him together, so don't think for a moment that you have anything like the same right I have to make choices affecting Noah's future."

He continued to look at her for a long moment before he said anything, "I'm sorry you think of it that way," he said simply, then turned to his son and lead him out of sickbay, not giving her a second look as they left.

/\

_Six years and eight months- Workforce_

Kathryn had once asked Chakotay about his relationships before her, he had laughed and rolled over in their bed and told her that there was no one worth him telling her about. But she had pressed the issue, and eventually he had told her about his past as a man who had never really allowed himself to get too close to right women, and had entirely opened himself up emotionally to all of the wrong women. How many? He had shrugged and told her that he didn't keep count, but it wasn't until he revealed to her that he had never held down a relationship for longer than two years, and he had had many one night stands that she realised that he had known many women before her.

At the time it hadn't bothered her, he was an attractive man, and so it didn't exactly come as a surprise to her. Only weeks later they had married, and by then she had forgotten the conversation entirely. And then he had cheated on her, and she suddenly understood why he had been involved in so few serious relationships, and even fewer longer term commitments; he had become so used to playing the field, that it only took a bump on the head for him to slip back into his old habits, such behaviour she knew most women would be very reluctant to put up with.

Soon after their marriage had officially broken down he had been involved in a few affairs with alien women, Kellin being the first after their separation, and then a good number of women after her. But eventually she had gotten used to the fact that he was moving on, and after some time had passed she reasoned that she should probably start to do the same.

She wasn't sure exactly what made him stop. It may have been that she had given up caring, and so he had given up trying to make her jealous. Or it may have been when she asked him to take care of their son, and the new responsibility may have caused him reconsider his life and priorities. Either way, at some point he had stopped sleeping around with the various women they met on their journey back to Earth, and before Kathryn had realised what had happened, she started to become the one leaving a trail of affairs behind her.

The latest was slept soundly beside her, his breathing soft and his chest movements minimal, he was obviously in a deep state of REM, so she didn't wake him. When she had met Jaffen she had had no real memories of her previous life, no responsibilities of the ship, crew or her son, and so no reason to hold back on a relationship with him; but the speed at which she had launched into and progressed the relationship with someone who was up until five weeks previously a complete stranger, scared her.

Although now she was back on Voyager, and had now fully regained her memories, a part of her still wanted to be back on Quarren, and slip back into the role of the relaxed, carefree woman who could readily explore a new relationship with a man who she could see herself settling down with. But she belonged on Voyager, dealing with the guilt and stress and loneliness that came with command.

It was tempting to ask him to come with her, but it would have been selfish for her to ask him to leave the planet that he had made his some, just so that she could have someone to lie beside her at night. So she reasoned that if they could no longer be together, then she might as well enjoy the comfort and companionship that he provided for one more night before Voyager had to depart, and she knew that it would be enough to sustain her for a little longer, to keep herself sane and grounded for a good number of days; and after that she would need to find a new distraction.

"Morning," she smiled when she saw his eyelids flicker before opening.

He grumbled sleepily, but returned the smile, "morning," he glanced at the clock beside her bed, "what time is it back on the planet?"

"Just after midnight," she replied.

Jaffen yawned, "I guess that's why I feel so tired; I'm used to sleeping through these hours."

"Really?" she grinned wickedly, "I don't remember us much sleeping until the early hours of the morning back on Quarren."

He raised an eyebrow and sighed, "maybe that's why I'm still tired; I've had too many late nights with you these past few weeks."

Kathryn snuggled into his side, running a hand across his naked chest, "regret any of it?"

"No," he said firmly, and she craned her neck to meet his gaze, "do you?"

She shook her head, "only that this is all we can have."

He rested a hand on her upper arm and ran his thumb over her smooth pale skin, "you know I think I was starting to fall in love with you."

Kathryn placed her lips to his chest, "I think I could have loved you back."

"Really?" he looked down at her.

She paused so that she could raise herself onto an elbow, making it easier for her to meet his gaze, "we shouldn't talk about this," she told him, a sad and regretful look in her eye.

Jaffen nodded, he understood that she wanted to make their parting as painless as possible, and for her, avoiding the truth was the easiest way to do that. "Okay," he smiled easily, "but I think if we can't talk about it, then we should find something to keep our minds occupied."

Frowning she slowly shook her head, "I can't think of anything we could do," she feigned innocence at his suggestion.

In one swift movement she found herself gently pinned underneath his body as he lowered his lips to meet hers, and before she knew it, she had been distracted from the thoughts of his leaving and what she would do when he was gone, and he was keeping her mind more than a little occupied.

/\

_Six years and ten months_

Chakotay's jaw dropped a few inches. He didn't mean it to, but he couldn't help it; after almost four years of hardly ever speaking to or interacting with Seven of Nine she was actually now asking him out on a date. "I believe that we would be very compatible," she informed him.

Nodding slowly, (as that was all he found himself capable of doing) he tried to think of the best response to her… proposal.

It was no secret on the ship that he and Kathryn had long been separated and had disconnected all romantic ties to one another. But he had more or less been a bachelor for the past three years for two main reasons. The first was that he still considered himself married, although he no longer wore a ring, even his casual flings with women he met in their passing through the delta quadrant made him feel guilty as if he was cheating on Kathryn. The second main reason was that most of the women on Voyager had labelled him unavailable due to his previous attachment with the captain, and so he had not been approached by any of the women on the crew for they either respected the captain too much to poach her husband, or they feared the discomfort or wrath they may experience being under her command.

So when he was actually approached, he found himself more than a little unprepared, and the fact that it was Seven didn't really hit him for a while after he had started to realise what she was asking him. Now, as she looked at him, patiently awaiting an answer he found himself being forced to make a very quick decision. He could say no, maybe hurt her feelings, forever be alone and prevent being labelled as the man who dated the Borg (again). Or he could say yes, and although it would give him a chance to move on with his life, he wasn't sure if Seven was the right person that he should be doing that with.

She was young, a lot younger than he was, in fact twenty one years younger then him, the gap was such that he was old enough to be her father. Seven was inexperienced, both with relationships and her own emotions, dating her would involve a lot of patience, and time, and effort, and he wasn't sure whether or not he could really be bothered. On the other hand, she _was_ young, and beautiful, and she had the potential to be a wonderful woman, and maybe in time they could develop a good relationship. She also happened to be the only woman on the ship who had approached him since his relationship with Kathryn had ended.

"Sure," he shrugged his shoulders; it could work.

She smiled, "then how about we have lunch together in the mess hall on Tuesday?" she suggested. His eyes widened at the thought of spending time with her, out of work hours and in such a public place. "Is that inconvenient for you?" she asked, noticing his hesitation.

"No, it's not that," he said, about to tell her that in the mess hall they were very likely to be interrupted by the crew, as he often was whenever he ate there.

"I have done my research," she informed him, "and meeting for a casual lunch in a public surrounding provides a mutually beneficial activity as we both require nutrients, and it will give us time to get to know one another better without the pressure of a romantic atmosphere that could be created if we were both alone." She raised an eyebrow, reluctant to give him another option as she had already carefully considered most other options, and deemed them inappropriate for the first date. "However, if you wish, we could do something else."

"No," he smiled kindly, "lunch sounds fine Seven."

"At thirteen hundred hours?"

"I'll meet you there," he confirmed.

"Very well," she nodded politely, "I'll see you there commander."

As she walked away, he found himself calling after her down the corridor, "Seven," she turned around to look at him, a puzzled expression on her face as she considered what she might have forgotten, or misunderstood. "How about you call me Chakotay off duty… especially during our lunch date."

"Of course… Chakotay," she realised her error.

He grinned and watched as she continued her way down the corridor, not quite sure exactly what he was about to get himself into. As he himself walked back in the direction he had been headed he was able to think more clearly about the entire prospect of dating Seven of Nine. She was Borg, and although he had initially been opposed to her presence on Voyager, he had come to realise over the years, that her living on Voyager was both beneficial to her as she regained her humanity, and to the ship with her great knowledge of the area of space, technology and species that they encountered.

It had been almost four years since she had first become a member of the crew, and although she still had some way to go before she could properly lose the label of Borg, and live like any other individual, she had also come a long way. She had integrated herself into Voyager, was much less hostile to the people around her, had learnt a level of modesty, made many good friendships, and now it seemed that she was willing to explore the more romantic side of relationships.

He had just about thought himself into the idea of dating Seven, had come up with many positives of doing so, and was about to feel somewhat excited about the prospect of a new relationship, and then the door he was standing in front of opened, and he came face to face with Kathryn Janeway.

"You're a little late," she stated softly, stepping back from the door and allowing him to walk into her quarters.

Chakotay had been on autopilot ever since he had spoken with Seven, and it wasn't until he saw Kathryn that he remembered where he had been headed and why, and then it struck him; there was one major flaw to the idea of dating a member of the crew: Kathryn. "I'm sorry," he said as he slowly entered into her living area and looked around to see his son sitting at the dining table eating.

"That's okay, Noah hasn't finished his dinner yet," she smiled across at him, pleased to have been able to take the day off and spend some quality time with her child, "are you okay?" she asked, noticing his hesitation on entering.

"I'm fine," he realised that he was now acting a little strangely and tried to shake himself back into a normal frame of mind, "so what did you do today?"

Kathryn was walking over to the replicater, "we went to the park in the holodeck and had a picnic," she started to describe their day, "and then we went swimming, visited engineering because B'Elanna was having some more trouble with the plasma relays, did some painting, and now I'm about to have a cup of coffee," she tapped in her order, "do you want anything to drink?"

"I'm okay thanks," he followed her into the dining area and sat himself down opposite his son.

"How was your bridge shift?" she sat down beside Noah.

"Good," he nodded, "we got a little excited about a few sensor blips for about half an hour, but other than that it's been a fairly uneventful day."

"Finished," Noah pushed back his bowl, having finished his entire desert.

"Well done," Kathryn shot him a smile and gently ruffled his hair, "why don't you pack up your things so that your daddy can take you home."

Even before she had finished her sentence the boy had jumped off from his chair and was running over to the pile of toys and books that he had brought over just in case his mother had been too consumed with work that day to spend any time with him.

"Kathryn, can I ask you something?" Chakotay reluctantly realised what had to be done before he went on any kind of date with Seven, and before the crew started to speculate on what was going on.

"Sure," she looked back round at him and met his gaze.

"We've been apart for a while now," he started, feeling somewhat nervous, but not knowing why he should be.

She smiled and added, "a long while, yes."

"And we've both moved on in one way or another, and I'd like to think that we have become friends," he continued, "friends that can encourage each other and to support each other in their different lives."

"Right…" she frowned.

"Would you be opposed to me dating a member of this crew?" he decided that it was the best way to come out with it.

For a long moment she paused, and he wondered whether or not it was a mistake to have brought it up. "Are you asking for my permission?" she asked.

"I'm asking if you would be okay with it?" he rephrased.

"I wouldn't object," she told him, "but I can't say that I might not find it a little weird at first."

"I know," he nodded slowly, "but you wouldn't treat her any differently because of a relationship that may develop?"

"No," she said, without thinking too much about it, then she smiled, "is there a particular reason that you're asking me this?"

Chakotay considered telling her about Seven, but for whatever reason he decided against it for the time being, and so he shook his head, "I just wondered," he told her instead.

Before either of them could discuss it any further they were interrupted by their son, who had packed everything that he had brought with him back into his bag which he was now wearing on his back. "Are you ready to go?" Chakotay asked, thinking that the conversation with Kathryn could probably wait for another time.

"Yep," he said, allowing his mother to give him a hug and to then place a kiss on his forehead.

"I'll see you later," she said as she walked them both to the door.

"Bye," Chakotay said, as he ushered his son into the corridor, and walked with him back to their quarters.

It wasn't until after Chakotay had left that Kathryn really considered what her first officer had briefly spoken to her about, and it slowly dawned upon her that although she had no right to object to anything Chakotay did in his personal life, the idea of him dating a woman aboard her crew did make her feel somewhat uneasy. They had been apart for three years, and it was somewhat of a mystery why he hadn't moved on in that time; but she had always been silently grateful for that fact, as although she knew they couldn't be together, knowing that he still loved her and was waiting for her was a comfort. Before she could get herself worked up about the idea, she received a communication from Tuvok to report to the bridge, and with the sudden distraction she forgot all about the prospect of Chakotay dating other women and was heading out of her quarters to deal with the new emergency that had arisen.

_To be continued._


	18. Replacement part I

_Disclaimer: Paramount owns all._

Chapter 18: Replacement part I

_Six years, ten months and a week_

Chakotay sat opposite B'Elanna as they ate dinner alone in her quarters. It had been a long while since they had spent time just in each other's company, and they were both glad that they had made the attempt to do so, as they found themselves catching up on any things that had happened in each other lives, that sometimes they missed out on when they passed in the corridor and exchanged a friendly greeting, or met up for a quick lunch in the mess hall.

"It's weird now that Neelix is gone," she commented, "and not just the absence of Leola root from the menu, but just the entire atmosphere in the mess."

He chuckled at the thought of the much hated food substance, "I know," he agreed, "it's going to take a long time to get used to him not being there."

She nodded, "at least we know that he'll be happy living with his own people again."

"That will be some comfort whilst we're trying to swallow Chell's cooking."

B'Elanna pulled a face, "I'm not sure what's worse: Chell getting in my way down in engineering, or the thought of him preparing the crew's meals; I think the doctor is going to have a busy few weeks dealing with food poisoning."

Chakotay grinned, "the captain's still hoping that someone else will come forwards and offer to be ship's cook."

At his words she looked up and frowned. "You refer to her as the captain now," she pointed out.

He didn't realise the relevance of what she was saying, "so?"

The engineer shrugged, "you always used to refer to the captain as Kathryn when talking about her, often even on duty… and now you talk about her as if she were like any other member of this crew."

His smile dropped completely and his face became almost unreadable, "what point are you trying to make?"

She sat back in her chair, "I guess I hadn't really thought about it before," she explained herself, "sometimes I forget how close the two of you used to be."

He looked down into his plate, "it was such a long time ago, that sometimes I almost forget myself."

B'Elanna paused, not sure if she should pry, but this had been the first real opportunity in a long while that she had been given to talk about it with him. "Why haven't you divorced?"

For a moment she wasn't sure if he had even heard her words, but then he let out a long breath that she hadn't been aware of him holding. "I don't know," he said quietly, "I guess at first it was just because neither of us really wanted to admit defeat. But now it's more a case of avoiding the topic at all costs, and a divorce would involve digging up everything that we both buried a long time ago, and I don't think we're really ready to do that just yet."

She smiled across at him softly when he finally raised his head to meet her gaze, "I remember you were at your best together."

He sighed, "we were also at our worst. It's not like you and Tom, you steady each other, and even when things are bad you're still better together than you are apart. With Kathryn, when things were good it was amazing, I was at my happiest, and it felt like nothing could tare us apart, but just the smallest bump in the road sent us both flying, and suddenly we weren't speaking, or sleeping in the same bed and as a result our duties to this ship and crew suffered. In the end it wasn't worth the good times for the pain we caused each other in-between."

"You still hold out hope though, don't you?" it wasn't really a question, but more of an observation.

"I used to," he said honestly, "and if there wasn't Voyager to consider, I think we would have tried to make a relationship work. But over the years she's changed from the woman who I married, and I've become a different person myself, any hope I did have faded a long while ago."

His words surprised her, "captain Janeway changed that much has she?"

He raised an eyebrow, having assumed that she had noticed the same things he had, but he reasoned that professionally there was very few differences with the captain the crew saw now to the captain who first took command of them seven years previously. But the woman behind the mask of the captain was a different story. "She's a lot less open than she used to be," he explained, "she takes more risks, cares less for herself, pays less attention to Noah, spends more time on her work than she used to…" he paused, wanting to tell B'Elanna about the medication that was still taking, but realised that would be one step too far into revealing things about her private life, "and that's not even the half of it," he said instead.

"I guess I'm not close enough to her to notice such things," she shot him a compassionate look.

Chakotay sighed, "the weird thing is, however much I dislike the woman she has become… I still love her."

B'Elanna reached out and covered her hand with his own, "that's not weird," she reassured him, "there will always be people in our lives who we will never get over, who we never stop loving, despite everything that may happen."

He shot her a small smile, and realising that their quiet and relaxing dinner was about to turn into a night of trading depressing stories he decided to change the topic of conversation. "So are you and Tom ready for the baby?"

She realised that he was trying distract her from further discussing what was still a very difficult area of his life to talk about, but she decided to let it go, and allow herself to be distracted. "Not really," she smiled, "but we're about as ready as we're going to be. I've been reading books, Tom's been badgering the doctor with questions and we've got most of the baby things ready… now we're just waiting."

"Well if you need any time off before you start your maternity leave, just ask," he offered.

Chuckling lightly she shook her head, "I don't know how I'm going to handle being away from engineering even with the distraction of a baby, let alone without one, but thank you anyway."

"Let me know if you change your mind," he raised an eyebrow, "this could be the only chance you'll get in a long while to miss a string of shifts."

She nodded, "I hope you'll put yourself on the baby sitting rota when I start work again, I want my daughter to grow up knowing her uncle Chakotay."

"Uncle Chakotay," he sounded dubious, "we'll give the new title a try, but I'm a little worried if I make an exception for one person, I might open the gates for everyone else to start calling me it."

B'Elanna rolled her eyes, "I very much doubt that's going to happen."

"When I made the announcement that I was Noah's biological father, Tom called me dad for about a week," he countered.

"That's rather disturbing," she commented.

"I know," he folded his arms, "but I've decided to risk it anyway and baby sit for you."

She smiled widely, "thank you."

He returned the smile, but before he could make any further comment his comm. badge chirped into action. _"Kim to Chakotay,"_ he heard Harry's voice.

"Chakotay here," he responded, annoyed that his evening with B'Elanna was being interrupted.

"_We are being hailed by an alien vessel,"_ he explained.

Inwardly he sighed, knowing that if he was made to go to the bridge, he would no doubt be gone too long to be able to continue his dinner. "I'm on my way," he said, shooting B'Elanna an apologetic look as he stood from the table, "we'll have to do this again some time."

She nodded, "definitely. I'll see you later."

"Bye," he said over his shoulder as he made his way towards the door to her quarters, knowing that the next time they would have time alone together, she would most probably be a mother, and they would have constant interruptions from a baby, but there was little he could do about that, when you were the first officer aboard a star ship in the middle of the delta quadrant and more or less a single father you had to get used to having very little free time.

/\

_Six years and eleven months_

Chakotay woke with a start, his mind instantly awake and on the alert, his eyes wide open to the darkness of his quarters. His heart thumped loudly in his chest, its rhythm quickened from the unexpected noise that had broken him from his sleep. Laying on his back he listened hard for whatever could have woken him, and hearing nothing he tried to calm himself down, thinking that maybe it had been nothing at all.

Usually when he was woken in the middle of the night it was down to someone contacting him over his comm. badge for a matter that required his immediate attention on the bridge. Other times when he was broken from his sleep it was because Noah was wanting him for one reason or the other, and every now and again he woke up for no reason at all, and for a couple of minutes Chakotay thought that it was just again one of those nights.

Then he heard it again. Muffled shouting coming from his son's bedroom, and before he could even take a guess as to what was happening, he had already jumped from his own bed, and was making his way out into the living area to access the other bedroom.

"Computer, lights minimal," he instructed on entering the room, relieved to see that his son was still there after having terrible thoughts of some form of kidnap. His relief was short lived as he noticed his son in a cold sweat, his blankets a mess at the foot of the bed, and Noah's hair ruffled on his pillow as he turned his head agitatedly from side to side with a pained expression on his face.

"Daddy, daddy," he called out, maybe in his sleep, maybe half awake, either way Chakotay was instantly by his side and sitting on the edge of his bed.

"I'm here," he rested a hand on his son's head, feeling the sweat that had been accumulating on his scalp, "Noah, I'm here."

The boy took a deep breath and forced his eyes open to look up at his father, "the noise," he said weakly, before again shutting his eyes tightly closed, this time bringing his hands up to his ears as if to shut off all external senses.

"Noah, you're just having a bad dream," he tried to sooth him.

"No, the noise, it hurts," he insisted.

Chakotay paused for a moment, just to reassure himself that it really was silent where they were, "Noah, there's no sound."

"There is," he turned his head erratically in both directions, before dropping his hands from either side of his head, "it's so loud."

"What sort of noise?" he thought maybe there was a high pitched sound that only younger ears would be sensitive enough to pick up.

"Voices," he took in a deep breath, "lots of voices."

He looked down at his son, remembering what the doctor had told him about his potential for telepathy, and he reasoned that this could be them taking affect. "Come on," he said, sliding his arms under his son, and gently scooping him into his arms, "I'll take you to sick bay."

Calmly, he carried his son out of his quarters and out into the corridor, vaguely aware that he was only in his shorts and a T-shirt, but at that moment not really caring who saw him carrying his obviously poorly son towards sick bay at two thirty in the morning.

"Please state the nature of the medical emergency," the doctor appeared and saw his commander walking with Noah over to a bio bed, "what happened?"

"Noah woke up complaining of hearing voices," Chakotay explained, realising that it made his son sound like a bit of a schizophrenic.

"How many voices?" the doctor grabbed a triquarder and stepped over to the bed to start scanning his patient.

"Lots," Noah described, "so many, they're all talking at once, and none of them are listening to each other."

"His teleneutrotic nerve endings are active and inflamed," the EMH started to assess the situation, "I believe that he is experiencing some sort of telepathic overload."

"He can hear our thoughts?" Chakotay asked, "everyone on the ship?"

"Maybe," the doctor shrugged, and looked down at the boy laying uncomfortably on the bed, "Noah, do you recognise any of the voices?"

"No," he was quick to answer, "please make it stop."

"Tell me roughly how many different voices you hear," he continued his line of questions, "are there tens of people?"

"More… too many to count," Noah looked across at his father, "they're all scared about something?"

"Scared?" Chakotay repeated, "of what?"

He shook his head roughly, "of the attack."

"What attack?" he noticed the doctor picking up a hyprospray in the corner of his eye.

Before he could answer the hologram had stepped back over, "I'm going to give you something to dull the noise," he explained, pressing the medication to the side of the boy's neck and administering it after having been given a nod of consent from his commander.

They waited a minute or two, "they're still there," he complained, but obviously now in much less pain.

"But are they as loud?" Chakotay asked.

"No," he shook his head, "they're like a fuzz at the back of my head."

The doctor grinned triumphantly, then looked across at Chakotay to meet his gaze, "would you like me to call the captain?" he had noticed that the first officer wasn't wearing his comm. badge.

He thought for a moment, but then shook his head, "no, she hasn't been sleeping well recently; I don't want to worry her about this until the morning."

"Very well," he decided it was best not to get involved in whatever war was now waging between the command team; if she was angry later that morning that she hadn't been called, then he would direct her to Chakotay.

"Can I take Noah back to my quarters?" he asked.

"No, I want some more time to examine what's going on; the medicine I gave him is designed for betazoids, and isn't meant for long term use, I need to determine the cause before I can properly treat your son." He looked back down at Noah who now looked much more relaxed than when he had first been brought in, "I suggest that you try and go back to sleep Noah; you're going to be in here for a while."

Noah nodded slowly, and moved his gaze back over to Chakotay, "daddy, can you stay with me?"

"Of course," he took a step closer to his son's side, "try and get some sleep, and let the doctor do his work."

Giving his father a small smile, he closed his eyes and as his father gently stroked his hair he took no more than a few minutes to fall asleep. After remaining by the side of the bio bed for a long time after that, Chakotay decided that he should return back to his quarters whilst the corridors were still mostly deserted at such a late hour, take a shower and get dressed before the alpha shift started and people would start to consider it extremely odd that he was still in his nightwear.

-

Kathryn stood beside her first officer in the turbo lift still refusing to speak to him. He had come to her quarters only ten minutes previously to tell her that their son had been taken ill and was in sick bay. She had then been told that Noah was experiencing problems with the telepathic receptors in his brain, and that the doctor wasn't sure how to treat it. To then be told that all of it had started five hours previously did not put her in the best off moods to start off the day.

To say that she was angry at Chakotay for not having called her straight away was somewhat of an understatement; the fact was that she was furious with him. So much so that she found that she was unable to articulate exactly how she was feeling to him. It was probably just as well that she didn't say anything, as her words would have included many 'I told you so's for having refused their son the treatment she had wanted to give him for so long, and many words of an explicit nature.

They walked side by side down the corridor, remaining in an eerie silence, one that a couple of the crew picked up on as they passed, but said nothing but a greeting for fear of the snappy reaction to a question or remark. Finally they entered sickbay, to see Tom Paris standing by a monitor, and the doctor sitting in his office going over what ever findings and scans he had made.

"Morning," the reluctant nurse smiled politely when he saw the two of them enter, not missing the obvious tension between them.

"Morning Tom," Kathryn nodded in his direction as she headed straight over to where her son lay.

"How is he?" Chakotay asked.

"Still sleeping," he explained, "the doctor's locked himself in his office, I advice that you don't disturb him unless completely necessary."

Kathryn tidied her son's hair before placing her hand on his cheek. "Hi there," she smiled softly as his eyes flickered open.

He smiled weakly back up at her, "where's daddy?"

"I'm here," Chakotay suddenly appeared over her shoulder.

"I woke up a while ago, and you weren't here," the boy looked confused, thinking that maybe he had imagined it.

"I went to get mum for you," he explained his earlier absence.

"Don't leave me again," Noah pleaded.

"I won't," he promised, noticing Kathryn take a step back as she reluctantly realised that her absence hadn't been missed. "Does it still hurt?" he asked, deciding to console the mother of his child later.

He nodded, "a little, but it's not as bad. I was listening to some of the people earlier, if I think hard I can concentrate on different voices."

Chakotay smiled softly, "who did you hear?"

Noah shook his head, "it wasn't anyone I know… who are the Kazon?"

The shocked expression he suddenly felt on his own face, out of the corner of his eye he saw being mirrored in Kathryn's. "They're a group of aliens whose space we were passing through when you were a baby. Why do you ask?"

"Because that's who they're scared of," he explained.

"Who are scared of the Kazon?"

"The Ocampans," Noah stated, not at all aware of the significance of what he was saying.

Chakotay felt Kathryn resting a hand on his shoulder as she came back around to the side of the bio bed, "are those whose voices you're hearing?"

He nodded slowly, looking quickly from one parent to the other, and noticing their worried expressions, "am I doing something wrong?"

Turning to face his captain he found her already looking up at him as she muttered, "you said you thought he was hearing the thoughts of people on the ship."

"I did," he was as confused as she.

"Ocampa is thousands of light years away now," she needlessly reminded him, "how the hell, and why can he hear them?"

About to suggest that their son could have been mistaken, that he was piecing together pieces of a bad dream from stories he had heard from the crew over the years, they were both horrifically distracted as their son started to convulse where he lay. The doctor was instantly running over from his office, and Tom was wheeling over a trolley loaded with medications and instruments that they may need and all Kathryn and Chakotay could do was watch helplessly as Noah slipped into a violent fit.

Tom shouted out readings that he was taking, and the doctor hurriedly attempted medication after medication, not even waiting for consent from the parents of his young patient. After one final hypospray Noah settled down and minor adjustments were made to the boy's cortical monitor as the alarm continued sounding. "I'm placing him into a coma," the doctor finally explained.

"Why?" Kathryn asked, barely aware of the fact that Chakotay's arm was now around her, his hand rested gently on her side.

"The telepathic input suddenly intensified," he explained, "his brain is unable to process what's happening."

"Just before this happened he mentioned that he was hearing thoughts from people on Ocampa," Kathryn informed him.

The doctor tilted his head to one side, and then nodded, "that would make sense; Ocampa's population was several million when we were there seven years ago, even hearing a fraction of such a large population would be enough to overload any telepathic mind."

"But Ocampa's so far away?" she pointed out.

"There have been studies that have shown that certain types of telepathy can breach subspace," he reasoned, "I am not programmed with details of such studies; I will have to search Voyager's data banks later."

"What happens now?" she asked.

Shrugging the hologram rested the instruments he had been using back on the top tray of the trolley, "we wait. I'll run some more scans and conduct some more tests, but other than that I really can't tell you what to expect, or what can be done to help him… his best chance at the moment is if his body adapts by its self to these new developments."

"Is the option of halting the genetic changes still open?" she asked, thinking that now maybe Chakotay might be a little more willing to go ahead with it.

Regretfully the doctor shook his head, "I'm afraid not," he said, "I considered that several hours ago, and it would seem that Noah's genetic alterations are too far gone to just stop or reverse; it would no doubt do him much more harm than good."

"He had his check up last week," Chakotay sounded frustrated, "and you said that he was perfectly fine."

"Oh don't be so naïve Chakotay," Kathryn turned angrily round to him, "I've been telling you for the past year that something like this was bound to happen."

Tom realised the warning signs of an argument, and discretely took a step back to look at the most distant monitor, in the hope that if he was out of sight he would avoid getting drawn into their personal disagreement.

"You didn't know that this was going to happen," he took his arm from around her and took a small step back, "at the time it was nothing more than a misplaced fear."

"Not so misplaced though now is it?" she shot back.

"You're loving this aren't you?" he folded his arms, "finally a chance to turn around and say that you were right all along."

"I don't enjoy seeing our son like this," she waved her arm in the direction of where Noah lay.

"Oh right," he smiled bitterly, "because for about the past three years there I thought you didn't care."

"You have no right to bring that up every time there's a matter concerning our son," she told him through gritted teeth, "I love him just as much as you do, and it's your fault that we aren't raising him together."

"My fault?" he raised an eyebrow, "you're the one who became unbearable to live with."

"I miscarried our child," she found it difficult not to scream at him, but somehow managed to restrain herself, "I'm sorry that I was a little upset about that."

"It's never been about that," he insisted, "this has always been about you never being able to come to terms with stranding Voyager in the delta quadrant. You still can't accept that Noah is part of an alien being, and you won't let me close enough to help you, because you're afraid that if you let me in completely, you might be unable to cope if something happened to me."

"Don't pretend to know me Chakotay," she shot him a penetrating glare, annoyed that he had summed her up so well, and wanting to hurt him as much as he was hurting her, "have you considered that maybe the reason that I haven't let you in, is because I've never trusted you enough to be able to do that."

She started to walk away from him and towards the exit of the sick bay, "where the hell are you going?"

"Bridge duty started ten minutes ago," she explained.

"Fine, walk away," he shouted after her, "I suppose I should be used to that by now."

To his disappointment his words didn't force any further reaction out of her as she continued in the direction she was headed, and only moments later she disappeared through the doors. He looked after the closed doors for a few long seconds, before remembering that he was in company and turning around to apologise, realising as he did so that the doctor and Tom had already made themselves scarce, having probably realised their commanding officers need for privacy.

_To be continued._


	19. Replacement part II

_Disclaimer: Paramount rule._

Chapter 19: Replacement part II

When Tuvok entered his captain's ready room he had expected to see her keeping herself busy with work as she usually did whenever she was attempting to avoid a personal issue or problem. It was when he saw her sitting staring out of her view port that he knew how bad things really were; as she very rarely allowed herself to simmer in her own thoughts and worries.

"Captain," he nodded in her direction as he entered.

"Tuvok," she shot him a very weak and very forced smile, one that he instantly saw through, but she was beyond caring about pretences, "how did it go?"

"Not as I had been hoping," he stepped further into her private space, and walked over to where she was seated, "although through the mind meld I was able to experience some of what his subconscious mind is still struggling with, without his conscious mind to guide me, I was not able to hear specific voices or to determine if they were indeed Ocampan."

"Thank you for trying," she said as he sat down beside her on the couch.

"I will again later, but I will need some time to meditate in preparation," he hesitated for a long period as he deliberated whether or not to broach a personal topic with her. Vulcans were always very wary of an individual's right to privacy, and only rarely intervened in the lives of others when they felt that they really had to. "May I ask why you're not with your son right now?"

The surprised look on Kathryn's face was completely genuine at the unexpectedness of his question, as in the many years that she had known Tuvok, he had very rarely questioned her actions that affected anything other than ship's matters. Finally she shrugged as her face relaxed and then fell, "because my place is here, I don't belong by the bedside of a child that I have neglected for so many years."

"Do you feel that you have let Noah down in some way?" although his expression was the usual neutral that she had come to expect of him, she couldn't help but feel there was a hint of compassion in there.

She smiled bitterly, "Chakotay loves him, and gives him the attention that I can't offer because of my role as captain. To have continued to raise him by myself would have been the mistake."

Tuvok nodded, "you made a logical choice," he agreed, "by deciding for Noah to be raised by Chakotay resulted in you being able to spend more time concentrating on this ship and crew, and the commander seems very content with his role as a father… But I long ago came to realise that human's are not consoled by logic in the same way that Vulcan's are."

Kathryn looked across at him, and she was sure those were the closest words of agreement for her decision that she had heard from anyone on her crew, having experienced many icy looks, and hearing many disagreeable whispers from people in the past few years. "I suppose not," she sounded tired, "sometimes I wish that I could shut off my emotions like you Tuvok."

He raised an eyebrow, "the art of suppressing emotions is one that we Vulcans spend many years learning to do and perfecting, and the process serves us well. However, for humans to deny what they are feeling can sometimes have disastrous consequences."

"Disastrous consequences," she repeated thoughtfully, "sounds close to where I'm heading."

"You are no longer comforted by the commander's council?" he guessed.

"Not for a long while now," reluctantly she admitted.

"I apologise for being unable to provide the emotional support that your first officer has always provided you," he sounded sincere, "especially now you do not receive it."

Placing a hand casually on his upper arm she shook her head, "that's not something you should apologise for, the support you provide me is enough, it always had been."

"Then you can rely on it in future," he said reassuringly.

"Thank you Tuvok," she patted him lightly on the shoulder, before removing her hand from him completely and making a move to stand from the couch and step over to the window.

"If you wish, I can cover the remainder of your shift so that you may spend some time with Noah," he spoke to the back of her as she gazed out at the stars.

She paused, her shoulders slumping slightly, "you know that's not the reason that I'm not there right now."

"I know," he had not forgotten her earlier words, "but even if you do not feel that you have a right to be there as his mother, as the captain, you should be there for all members of your crew."

Closing her eyes she knew he was right, even if he was just trying to give her an excuse to go where she wanted to be, and so she turned back around to him and shot him a grateful look, "I guess I should pay a visit to sick bay then."

Realising that their conversation had come to an end he stood, and together they walked out onto the bridge, she headed for the turbo lift, and he walked over to the commander's chair.

-

"What was that for?" he asked, her arms still around his neck, his hands placed gently just above her hips and their lips now only inches apart.

For a moment she considered whether or not she had done the right thing, and so she found herself wanting to explain her actions, "I have observed that physical displays of intimacy and affection can sometimes be used to console an individual who is in distress. I thought kissing you would…"

She didn't have a chance to finished off her sentence as Chakotay closed the small gap that was between them and kissed her again, this time more passionately and with much less hesitation through surprise. Finally he pulled back and looked Seven in the eye, "that was very considerate of you," he smiled.

Returning the smile she felt relieved that she had done the right thing, and not for the first time she was very grateful for his patience and understanding as she fumbled through the relationship that they were steadily forging. "I'm not sure that it will be any help, but I have started running scans for any anomaly that may be triggering your son's illness."

"It's unlikely that there is any outside influence," he sighed, for once wishing that maybe there was, as such a problem might actually be easier to fix or to blame, "but thank you for trying anyway."

"Let me know if there's anything that I can do to help," she offered.

"You coming to visit me like this is a help," Chakotay was thankful for the visit, as although the rest of the crew were doing what was polite and keeping a distance, (and he knew that if they weren't he may become overwhelmed,) but having the one visitor every now and again gave him a relief from his own dark thoughts.

Seven raised an eyebrow, "it is not only you I came to visit," she pulled back from his embrace and took a few steps over to where his son lay, "I have become quite fond of Noah over the years; as I have Naomi and the other children whilst they were aboard Voyager. I wanted to see Noah also," she informed him.

Chakotay smiled, he felt himself lucky to find someone that not only wanted to explore a relationship with him, but who was also willing to accept his son. Ever since Noah had been placed into his permanent care, he had started to become wary of the flings that he had with other women, worrying that being apart from his son for a night would disrupt a routine that they had both come to rely on. Relationships were a more complex consideration, as it would require bringing a woman other than Kathryn into their lives, and he worried about an attachment that Noah may or may not form to anyone who he dated, and how it may affect a potential break-up, or the mother of his son.

"Noah has taken a great liking to you too." Although Chakotay had not fully explained his relationship with Seven to his son, he had questioned Noah about the prospect of spending more time with her, and fortunately he had been very eager to do so.

Opening her mouth to say something further, the doors to sickbay opened and they both turned to see who had entered. It was Kathryn, and suddenly they had both forgotten their discussion. When she saw that they were both there she nodded in her first officer's direction and smiled easily across at Seven.

"I came to check on Noah's progress," Kathryn explained to Chakotay when she noticed him studying her carefully.

When the commander didn't say anything, the former Borg felt that she should, "as was I," it wasn't a lie, it was part of the reason that she was there, but unsure what her captain did and did not know about her relationship with Chakotay, she decided that the most obvious explanation was the best to give. "But I will return later," she said, realising the tense atmosphere that was building, and unaccustomed to it, she decided that she should leave and question the doctor about how best to deal with it at a later time.

"Thank you for coming by Seven," Chakotay said after her, shooting her a meaningful look which at that point he didn't care whether or not his captain correctly interpreted.

The moment that Seven had disappeared out of sickbay he knew that Kathryn had guessed exactly what was going on as she walked over towards where her son lay, saying over her shoulder as she did so, "so I guess you're not quite so resentful now of my decision to allow Seven to remain onboard Voyager?"

It was none of her business so he decided not to rise to her bait, "no, I'm a big enough man to admit I was wrong."

She shot him a look, "she's turning into quite an amazing woman isn't she?"

Chakotay crossed over to her, he wasn't a cruel man, but he was still resentful of the ways that she had treated him and misused their relationship over the years, and speaking in veils he saw an opportunity to take a stab at her. "I'm looking forward to seeing the woman behind the implants," he came up close behind her, "and clothes," he said under his breath.

Turning round so sharply it was a wonder that he didn't fall over in shock as their faces were instantly brought close together, "I swear Chakotay, if this is just another way of you trying to get at me…"

"Don't flatter yourself," this time he did move away from her, "not everything is about you."

"Then you'd better keep it that way," she muttered, "because if you hurt Seven, I will make your life as difficult for you as possible."

"Any more difficult than it is now?" he crossed his arms.

She glared at him, "you have no idea."

Glancing away he regretted having said anything. He wasn't sure exactly what reaction he had wanted from her, he had expected her to be jealous, but she showed more a concern for a friend. Maybe he had wanted her to deny him a relationship with a subordinate, so that he would have another reason to hate her, but she seemed unconcerned with rank. Whatever it was, he realised that it was a mistake to have said it, as it belittled the relationship that he was attempting to establish with Seven, and he knew that if he was ever to make it work, then he would need to have his captain's acceptance, if not her approval or support. "I have no intention of doing anything to harm her."

He looked sincere, and for a moment she considered that he really could be doing this out of a need for companionship and not spite. Kathryn looked back down at her son, who now looked peaceful and pain free as he rested in his coma, it was at times like this she realised that it didn't really matter what was going on between her and his father, all that really mattered was Noah.

Chakotay noticed her attention shift, and felt the tense atmosphere drain away as they both gazed down at their son. "Tuvok was in here earlier," he started the change of topic.

"I know," she said quietly, "he came to see me."

"The doctor's working in a lab with a team, they're trying to find a way of shutting off the telepathic receptors in his brain without harming him," he explained.

"The doctor has also kept me informed," she replied, thinking that maybe he had thought her heartless enough not to have been keeping up to date with their son's progress.

"I guessed you hadn't shut yourself off completely on the bridge," he admitted, "I suppose you felt more in control up there."

"Not really," she dispelled his assumption, "I still feel rather helpless."

He let out a long breath, "I should have given my consent for the treatment months ago."

"No one knew that this would happen," she attempted to reassure him.

"But there was always the danger…" he sighed and took a hand up to his forehead, "this is my fault."

Her initial thought was to comfort him, to tell him that he had done nothing wrong, but she was quick to realise that she wouldn't mean any of what she was saying, that she would only be lying to him. Although that was what he needed, she knew that she couldn't do it and still sound sincere. Resting a hand on his shoulder, she gave it a gentle squeeze, and shot him a small smile when he glanced up to meet her gaze. "I should be going back to the bridge," she informed him, "I suggest that you get some sleep Chakotay; you look exhausted."

He nodded and watched as she walked away, knowing that she blamed him for the bad state that their son was in. Seconds later and she was gone, and again he found himself all alone in sickbay, so ignoring his captain's advice to rest he took a seat beside his son and returned to patiently waiting for Noah to come out of his coma.

-

It happened so fast that she didn't really know what was going on. Early the next morning Kathryn had been sitting on the bridge and received a worrying communication from the doctor that Noah had brought himself out of the coma, was sitting up breathing raggedly and had a temperature that was on the borderline of causing him severe haemorrhages and internal bleeding. Her first officer was already there, having spent the night by Noah's side, and so she had been about to head down to sickbay herself.

Just before she entered the turbo lift however, Harry Kim shouted out from ops that he was picking up major fluctuations in subspace. "What do you mean mister Kim?" she stepped back down into the main bridge area.

"I'm not sure, the immediate space around us has suddenly become charged with ionic-" he was unable to complete his sentence as the ship violently shook and they were all thrown from their positions.

"Report," she barked, grabbing onto the railing and pulling herself up from the floor.

"A ship has suddenly appeared off our port side," Tuvok informed her, "I am not picking up armed weapons."

"Go to yellow alert. Raise shields," she decided to take the precaution.

"The ship is matching us for course and speed," Tom Paris shouted from his station.

"I am only detecting one life sign onboard," Harry said as he looked over his scans.

Kathryn looked over at ops, "hail them."

"They are not responding," he said after a short time, "I am attempting all frequencies."

"Captain someone has just been transported from the unknown ship to Voyager."

"Through the shields?" Kathryn looked confused as she glanced over at Tuvok.

He nodded, "transport ended in…"

"_Doctor to the bridge,"_ her comm. badge activated before Tuvok could finish his sentence.

"Janeway here."

"_Kes just appeared in sickbay,"_ the doctor sounded very confused.

"Kes?" she frowned, and looked over at Tuvok who nodded slowly to give her the permission that she had been seeking from him, "I'm on my way there now," she stated as she strode over to the turbo lift. "Tuvok, you have the bridge."

-

When Kathryn entered sickbay some minutes later she found the eyes of Chakotay and the doctor instantly upon her, but it was a short while before Kes turned to face her. It had been an old woman who had coldly greeted her a year previously, when the Ocampan had come to Voyager with the intention of changing the timeline, and it had been a much younger woman who had left. In that year since, some lines had started to appear on Kes's once youthful face, and she now looked middle aged, despite the fact that in Ocampan years she should have been close to the end of her life. However old she was, or looked, as their gazes met, all Kathryn could really wonder was what sort of person she had become since they had last spoken.

"Kes?" she frowned, only hesitating for a moment by the door before slowly approaching the group, "what are you doing here?"

"I'm here for Noah," she explained.

"Noah?" she frowned, and glanced over at her son, who was sitting up on the bio bed supported by his father, "can you help him?"

"Yes," she said simply.

Kathryn noticed Chakotay looking away from her is if trying to avoid meeting her gaze, and she wondered exactly what she had missed out on in the few minutes that it had taken her to come from the bridge. "How?" she turned back to Kes.

The Ocampan woman paused, "I have to take Noah back to Ocampa with me."

"Ocampa?" she was alarmed at the suggestion, "why?"

"The pain he is experiencing is caused by the distance he is from Ocampa," she found herself again explaining, having already gone through it all with Chakotay. "Noah can hear the thoughts of the Ocampan people, as we feel him, he has become a part of us, as the caretaker was before. You told me a year ago that Noah was given to you by the caretaker, that even some of his DNA was incorporated into your son's, that's because Noah was intended as the replacement for the caretaker."

"A replacement? You expect a child to take care of an entire planet?" she sounded angry at such an expectation.

She shook her head, "no, Ocampa will survive without him; they have made many technological advances in the past seven years, and have found ways of producing their own power. However Noah will not survive without us."

"How do you know that?" she asked.

"Because Noah is not the first alien child that the caretaker created." Her frustration was starting to sound in her voice. "In the past few months, many children around this galaxy have been coming to our attention, as like Noah they establish a telepathic connection with the people on Ocampa, and reach the age in which they were meant to return to the planet. I have been able to locate most of them, but out of ten children who we have become aware of, only two have returned to the planet, and they are the only ones who have survived."

"They died because they did not return to the planet," Chakotay added quietly, his eyes moving slowly up to meet Kathryn's, and the defeat she saw in them worried her.

Kes nodded, "it is unlikely that it is a coincidence."

A short stunned silence followed her words, a silence that was soon interrupted by Noah, "why are the Kazon attacking Ocampa?" he asked.

She looked at him, surprised at his insightfulness, "because they want our resources, and our technology," she replied, "my coming here was delayed by a Kazon attack."

"I could feel that," he told her, "lots of people died."

"Unfortunately," she nodded, "but they were fighting on the surface; below the ground you will be safe."

"You're talking as if you're actually going to take him with you to Ocampa," Kathryn interrupted, now knowing why Chakotay had been avoiding meeting her gaze; he had already given his permission.

"Kathryn, it's the only way," her first officer knew that reasoning her with this issue was pointless, but he thought that he should at least give it a try.

Before she could ask more questions or raise any further objections, her attention was shifted as her son involuntarily let out a cry of pain. The doctor lifted his triquarder and resumed his scans.

"I have to take him now," Kes pleaded to both Kathryn and Chakotay, having seen too many children die as a result of either their parents refusal to listen to her, or her inability to reach them in time.

Chakotay looked across at the doctor who wore a grim expression, "his condition is worsening," he informed both parents, "right now I can't do anything for him. If Kes can help him, then I suggest that we allow her to do so."

"How long will you take him for?" he turned back to Kes.

"I can't say," she sounded apologetic, "the children already on Ocampa have been there a few months, and are still unable to leave the planet. It could be years before we can return them to their people. I doubt I would be able to bring Noah back to you any time soon."

He took a deep calming breath, unsure that he could make such a decision. "Daddy," his attention was diverted to the suffering six year old, "I have to go there."

Hesitating for a moment so that he could collect at least some of his thoughts together, he nodded slowly, "Kes, can you take myself and Kathryn with you also?" He wanted desperately to avoid being separated from his son.

She shook her head, "the elders have only given me permission to bring back Noah. Over the years they have had much trouble with aliens, and are much more hostile and less accommodating that you will remember them to be."

"Surely you can make an exception," he pleaded, "we've been there before, they know that we are no threat to them."

"You met the elders of seven years ago," she was quick to remind him, "the elders now were just children back then."

Chakotay looked down at his son, feeling helpless and at a loss for what was the right thing to do. The Kes that had lived aboard Voyager for three years was kind, compassionate and trustworthy; he knew that she would never do anything that may put his son in danger, however, he didn't know the woman that she had become in the years since, and for that reason he worried about putting Noah into her trust. Looking down at his son, he waited until he had his attention, "do you believe that you need to go with Kes to Ocampa?" he asked.

Although still in obvious pain Noah nodded, "yes."

Running a hand through his hair as he considered his options, he reluctantly came to realise that he didn't really have any. If his son remained on Voyager, his condition would continue to worsen and the doctor was doubtful that he would be able to develop a treatment in time. Kes was offering to save his son, but at the cost of maybe never seeing him again. It wasn't really a choice, either way he would lose his son, but allowing him to leave with Kes meant that at least there was a good chance that Noah would get better.

"He has to go with Kes," Chakotay stated, looking sharply across at the mother of his child before sliding his arms around his son and lifting him off from the bio bed.

"We haven't considered all of the other options," she watched as her first officer held her son and placed a kiss against his forehead.

"Your mother and I love you more than anything Noah," he ignored Kathryn's objections and spoke quietly to the boy in his arms.

Noah placed a hand to the side of his father's face, "I love you too," he smiled softly, moving his eyes to his mother also, who stood on the other side of the bed from them, so that she was included in his words.

It was with shock that Kathryn hesitated as Chakotay handed Noah over to Kes, but as soon as her son was out of his grasp something inside of her kicked into action as she found herself quickly moving around with the intention of taking her child back. But Chakotay was quick to disrupt her actions as he grabbed her around the middle and pulled her back close against his chest to prevent her from reaching Kes. "Let go of me," she demanded.

"Are you ready to go Noah?" Kes asked as she held him in her arms for the first time in many years, ignoring the scene only feet away from where she was standing.

He nodded, "but I need you to help me do something before we leave."

She smiled softly, "I know," she answered before he had even asked. The Ocampan woman nodded at her former commanding officers, "I will take good care of him," she promised, only moments later disappearing in a transporter beam.

"_Tuvok to Janeway,"_ Kathryn's comm. badge suddenly activated, and she felt Chakotay's arms relax around her.

"Janeway here," she respond slowly, still somewhat in shock as to what had just happened.

"_I just detected two people transporting out of sickbay and onto the shuttle,"_ he stated.

"Kes just took Noah," reported, now finding that she could easily step out of Chakotay's grasp around her. "Hold a tractor beam around the shuttle and transport Noah back to Voyager; disable shields and engines if you have to."

"_Very well,"_ he cut communications.

Chakotay watched Kathryn bolt in the direction of sickbay's exit, until he came out of the shock of having to hand over his son and found himself running after her. "You can't stop her from leaving," he pleaded, "if he doesn't go to Ocampa he may die."

She frowned, not sure if she completely believed what she was being told, "we can find a way to keep him, safe with us aboard Voyager," she insisted.

"You saw how he was; how he's been getting worse over the past twenty four hours," he reminded her, "the doctor said he didn't know any way of helping him in time."

"There's always another way," she shot back, her words soon followed by a sharp and sudden jolt to the ship that sent her flying against the wall, she felt Chakotay's hand on her shoulder steadying her as they both used the wall for support and the ship continued to shake. "Bridge, report," she slapped her comm. badge, dismayed when she received no response.

Seconds passed with neither of them having a clue as to what was happening, and then suddenly they felt the ship come to a complete standstill. Raising her hand to her comm. badge for a second time, it flickered back into life.

"_Captain,"_ it was Tuvok, _"ship velocity just increased considerably, and Voyager has been moved a great distance."_

"By Kes?" she remembered the time four years previously when Kes had given them a leaving gift of moving them well out of range of the Borg and ten years closer to Earth.

"_I am uncertain,"_ he paused, _"I am still awaiting navigational reports of our current position."_

"The other ship?" she was almost afraid to ask.

"_Gone,"_ the Vulcan almost sounded reluctant to continue, but he did so anyway, _"we were unable to get a lock on your son. I am sorry."_

As soon as the communication was cut Kathryn leant back against the wall and closing her eyes she placed a hand to her forehead, not really sure if she believed all that was happening. After a short while she felt Chakotay's hand gently squeezing her shoulder, "we made the right decision," he said, and she wasn't sure if he was trying to convince her more, or just himself.

Her eyes flickered open, and quickly she met his gaze, "_we_ didn't make any decision Chakotay," she said angrily, "you took it upon yourself to hand over Noah, you're the only one at fault here."

"He needed to go with Kes," he insisted.

"He didn't need to go anywhere, he was fine here," she shouted, "you had no right to make that decision without me!"

Shaking his head he took a step back, "he was not fine, his condition was critical, you weren't there by his bed worrying all night, watching his stats as he continuously deteriorated, when he came out of the coma in a delirious state."

Kathryn moved further away from him, "you're obviously sleep deprived Chakotay, your decision making must be impaired, because I really can't believe that you would just hand over our son as easily as how you just did."

"You think that was easy for me? This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do!" He closed in on her, "I made the right choice, just as you did when you destroyed the array seven years ago."

Her hand came up so fast that even she didn't even realise what she had done until her palm had made contact with his cheek and she felt the painful sting in her hand. "What the hell have you just done?" her voice was now restrained, but only because her fury had taken her over the point of shouting.

"_Tuvok to Janeway,"_ the moment was interrupted before they had a chance to recover from her instinctive reaction.

"Janeway here," she said, fiercely meeting her first officer's astonished gaze.

"_It would appear that Voyager has been brought within two light years of sector 001,"_ he informed his captain, _"we are being hailed by Starfleet."_

She took a moment for his words to sink in, and as Kathryn struggled to deal with the situation, the captain took over and replied, "I'm on my way."

Shooting one final disgusted look in Chakotay's direction, she continued in the direction she had been headed, leaving him to stand alone in the corridor. When she appeared on the bridge, she was grateful that he hadn't followed after her, knowing that the last thing she wanted at that moment was to spend time alone with him in a turbo lift, not trusting herself with what she might do and say.

"Open a channel," she instructed, after having made her way down to the centre of the bridge and taking some time to straighten her jacket.

It was admiral Paris, "Captain Janeway, this is a pleasant surprise," he greeted with a warm smile.

"We're a little surprised ourselves admiral," she said, still trying to gather herself together.

"May I ask how?" she could tell that he was excited to be speaking to her, to know that Voyager was so close to Earth, but for some reason she couldn't bring herself to share in his excitement, and as she glanced around the bridge, that of her crew either.

"It will be in my report," her expression turned to steal.

He paused for a moment, starting to sense that there was something wrong, "I look forward to hearing about it from you in person," he tried his best to ignore such thoughts.

"As do I," she forced a smile, "from our current position we will be within orbit of Earth in less than a day."

"I will make arrangements for your arrival," he reassured her.

Slowly she nodded, "thank you."

The admiral could tell that she was about to cut communications, and wondered if maybe there was a situation that she was required to deal with, so deciding not to keep her from where ever she had to be he rounded up the communication. "Welcome home," he smiled.

Curtly she nodded, and making a signal with her hand behind her back, she cut the transmission. For a few moments she stared at the blank screen, until Tuvok came up to her side, "may I ask what happened in sickbay?"

His words broke her from her own thoughts, and slowly she turned to face him, "not right now," she said quietly and swallowed hard, "I'll be in my ready room, inform me of any further developments."

"Very well," he replied to her back as she walked away from him.

_To be continued._


	20. Reconfirmation

_Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and its characters._

Authors note:

Sorry it's taken so long for me to update, I wanted to do so sooner, but I've been struggling to find the time. Right now I'm badly hung over, but I've forced myself out of bed to put up this latest chapter up for you all, so please enjoy whilst I sleep off the rest of the day.

Chapter 20: Reconfirmation

_Two days later. Six years, eleven months and two days. Earth, day one._

Chakotay sat alone in a darkened hotel room, slouched back on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table and a tumbler of whisky in one hand. He brought the glass up to his lips, and closed his eyes as the person at the door continued to buzz for entry; they had been doing so for the past few minutes, but he was taking the ethos that if he ignored them, they would eventually get the message and leave him alone.

Without warning the darkness and his solitude were disrupted as the room was bathed in the harsh glow from the lighting in the corridor, but he didn't bother to look around as someone forced their way into his assigned room. "Computer, lights," he heard B'Elanna instruct before he found himself squinting at the sudden brightness.

"You could have at least dimmed them," he commented, still waiting for his pupils to adjust as he felt her move around to the couch.

"You've been sitting alone in the dark for long enough," she pointed out as her weight fell on the soft leather cushions beside him.

"What do you want?" he sighed, now seeing enough to take another swig from the glass in his hand.

She turned to face him, and although he couldn't see her expression, he guessed that it would be plastered with something close to worry, "I finally heard the full story about what happened," she said, her voice filled more with compassion.

"Oh," was all he found himself capable of saying.

"I'm sorry," she sounded genuine, "I can't imagine ever having to make that kind of decision."

He nodded, "how's Kathryn?"

B'Elanna paused for a short time, "about the same as you… she's been granted special permission to leave the city and visit her family in Indiana until the debriefings start."

Chakotay closed his eyes for a moment, leaving them shut as he said: "I should be with her now, she's never any good at dealing with these kind of things."

"She's with her family," she reminded him, "you know she coped with difficult situations before she met you. Besides, you need to sort out yourself before you try and help anyone else."

He shook his head, "she blames me… since we arrived back in the alpha quadrant, she won't speak to me, she won't even look at me. I can't help myself wondering if I really did make the right decision."

"She'll forgive you with time," his old friend attempted to reassure him, "just worry about yourself for now."

"I guess," he said half heartedly before finishing off his whisky, and placing the empty glass down on the table in front of him, dragging his feet down to the ground as he did so. "So what floor are you and Tom on?"

"Two above yours," she thought maybe a change of topic would be good for him, "Tom's father is there right now, I thought I'd come down here to check up on you and give them some space."

"What's your father-in-law like?"

She smiled softly, "not the monster that Tom has made him out to be."

A small smile made it to his lips at her words, but it soon fell, and before long they had slipped into a slightly uneasy silence. "I noticed you hadn't asked about Seven," she said after feeling the silence drag on for long enough.

He sank back further where he was sitting, "why would I?"

"I thought the two of you were dating," he knew that she was trying not to make any personal comments about it, but a small amount of disapproval made its way into her voice.

"That doesn't mean that we have to know what each other are doing every second of every day," he pointed out, rather harshly.

She seemed unabashed by his tone, "she was asking about you."

Chakotay shrugged, "it's nice to know she was thinking of me."

"Starfleet have allowed her to remain on Voyager to regenerate," she needlessly informed him.

Suddenly he stood from where he was sitting, "that's good to hear," he said monotonically as he made his way away from her and over to the window of his hotel room.

"Apparently you haven't spoken to her in two days," she pointed out, "you seemed upset by Kathryn doing the same to you, I'm surprised that you're allowing for Seven to feel just as shut out."

"What are you trying to say B'Elanna?" he didn't bother to look around at her as he continued to stare out at the lights of the city around his window.

"If you don't care, don't string her along," she said at last.

His head shot round, "believe it or not B'Elanna, but I do care about her. I'm just finding it a little difficult to deal with people right now, seeing as I lost my son two days ago."

"Well talk to her," she sounded exasperated, "let her know that you need some time alone so that she stops bothering me with questions about you."

He moved his gaze back out to the window, "I'll be sure to do that. Thank you for coming by B'Elanna."

Chakotay's dismissive tone signalled that she was starting to over stay her welcome, and so she stood from where she had been seated. "I'll come by tomorrow," he wasn't sure if it was a threat or a promise, but he shrugged his shoulders anyway.

"I don't suppose I have a choice do I? You'll just invite yourself in anyway," he replied without turning to face her.

"Try not to drink too much in the mean time," she added, and he could hear her walking towards the exit of the room.

He turned just in time to see her walking back out into the corridor, her heavily pregnant frame disappearing as the door closed behind her. He let out a sharp breath and leant his head against the cold glass of the window, the alcohol he had earlier been drinking starting to take effect as he felt his body struggle to adapt as he shifted his centre of gravity. He stood there for a long while, before the fatigue he had been subject to over the past few days really started to take hold, and he found himself struggling to keep his eyes open, somehow he managed to stumble over to his bedroom, where once laid down on the mattress of his bed he went straight to sleep.

-

Kathryn Janeway had lived on coffee and autopilot since Voyager's unexpected entry into the alpha quadrant. The news that they were home still hadn't really sunk in, and they were still examining the sensor logs for those few minutes as the ship had travelled the great distance back to Earth to try to figure out exactly what had happened. The twenty one hours that it had taken for them to reach Earth, orbit and soon after land had felt like nothing more than a few minutes. She had sat on the bridge, making arrangements for Voyager's arrival on the home world of many, checking that the ship had suffered no damage during its highly accelerated flight and ordering the crew to get some sleep before their arrival, but taking none of the advice herself.

In the last few hours of their journey back to Earth, Chakotay had appeared on the bridge, his face almost as expressionless as hers as he had sat himself beside her, making several small but futile attempts to meet her gaze, or engage her in any type of conversation. Then finally, with Tom Paris at the helm they had swooped into the planet's atmosphere, and after a celebratory loop around the golden gate bridge, they had landed smoothly in the large docking port just outside of Starfleet head quarters.

The crew had lined up in the cargo hold, and she found herself making a small speech, thanking them for their loyalty and service, asking them all to keep in touch with her as they went on in their own separate directions, but the joy and happiness she saw in all of their faces she never felt on her own. They had disembarked, walking off the ship in the old tradition, greeted by a large crowd who had gathered to welcome them home, the cheers almost deafening as they moved across the raised platform to the large central building, the loud noise disappearing as they entered the large arrivals lounge.

The maquis crew were instructed not to leave the city, whilst the Starfleet crew were told that they would need special permission to leave. All of them were more or less forbidden from leaving the planet, until Starfleet and the medical teams had given them the once over. Debriefings were scheduled to start by the end of the week, and until then admiral Paris had encouraged them all to take the time to relax, contact their friends and families and adjust to being back on Earth.

Having been granted the permission she had requested to spend her first night back with her mother and sister in Indiana, she had made a quick check to make sure that all of her crew were safe and well, before jumping on the transporter pad with a duffle bag over her shoulder and appearing only seconds later a few metres away from the front door of the home she had grown up in.

She trudged up the gravel drive and climbed up the three steps to the front porch to ring the bell, knowing that if her mother wasn't in then she would undoubtedly find a key under the door mat and be able to let herself in. The door opened and revealed her mother, who instantly paled at unexpectedly seeing her daughter for the first time in seven years, "hi mum," Kathryn smiled tiredly, her words enough to break Gretchen from the shock of seeing her, as quickly she moved forwards to embrace the woman she had been doubtful she would ever see again.

Soon they were sitting in the lounge with freshly brewed mugs of real coffee, that Kathryn held in her hands for a long time as she took in the rich aroma wanting to savour every bit of her first mug after having been punished with replicated for the past seven years.

"So how did you get home?" he mother asked, sitting herself down in the chair opposite her.

She closed her eyes and tried to shut off the memories of the past few days, "we're still trying to figure that out," she eventually replied.

"You should have called to say you were coming Kathryn," she changed the topic, finding herself unable to stick to one line of questioning as her mind buzzed excitedly at seeing her daughter again. "I only found out on the news vids yesterday that you were back, and if your sister had have known you were coming straight back here, then she would have made the trip from Australia to see you."

"I'm sorry mum," she sighed, "it was all very hectic, I wasn't even sure what I was going to do until a couple of hours ago."

"Never mind," she smiled softly, "at least this way I can have you all to myself for a short while."

"I guess," she took her first sip of the black liquid in the mug, her taste buds suddenly coming back to life at the wonderful long lost sensation of real coffee, and she started to wonder how she had actually survived on replicated for so long.

"So where's your gorgeous little boy?" he mother asked eagerly, having been trilled at the news of hearing about her grandchild from her eldest daughter, and been sent pictures of him more recently when Voyager had established communications with Earth.

"He's not here," was all she found herself capable of replying.

"Of course," Gretchen nodded, "I remember you mentioned that he lives mostly with his father. This Chakotay sounds like an interesting man, the maquis cell leader that you made your first officer; it must have been difficult to find out that you were carrying his child."

She closed her eyes as her mother continued, obviously unaware of the latest developments, "I thought Mark was the father at first. I can't say there aren't times when I wish that he was," she added, feeling very bitter towards Chakotay for what he had done.

"Kathryn, at the end of the day it doesn't matter who the father is, just as long as the child is loved," her mother told her.

She nodded, but didn't say anything, preferring instead to drink her coffee.

"So when am I going to get to meet my grandson?" Gretchen pressed.

Finally her eyes flickered open, and she looked annoyed that her mother was persisting with her questions. "I'm tired," she stood from the couch with her mug, "shall I take my old bedroom or the guest room for tonight?"

"Either," the older Janeway shrugged, "but I just wanted to know when I could expect to meet Noah."

"I'm going to bed," she declared in preference to answering Gretchen, "goodnight," she said, before quickly disappearing out into the hall, grabbing the duffle bag that she had previously dumped, and heading up the stairs before her mother had a chance to catch up with her.

/\

_One week later. Earth, day eight._

Chakotay took a mental note of the nurse's directions before thanking her and heading down the first corridor that she had indicated he should take. It was pure chance that out of the door opening just to his right as he passed, he should see Kathryn stepping out of it. He stopped dead in his tracks, as did she, and they found themselves staring at each other in surprise. Of course he had expected her to be there, but he had thought he might be lucky enough to miss her, or that if he did see her, they would both be in a room filled with other people so that they wouldn't be forced to forge any kind of conversation with each other.

"Are you arriving or leaving?" she eventually asked, finally finding her voice.

"Arriving," he replied.

She gave him a small and tight smile, "me too," she said, glancing down one side of the corridor she had walked out onto, and then down the other, "do you have any idea which way it is?"

"I've been given some directions," he shrugged, hesitating for a moment, "but it might be easier if I come back another time…"

"No," she sighed, "we should arrive together, show a united front."

He glanced away, "I don't want to play happy command teams with you anymore Kathryn."

"Then we won't," she seemed a little annoyed that he thought that might be what she was suggesting, "I just meant that it's getting a little difficult for us to continue avoiding each other now that the debriefings have started…" She took a deep breath, "I read the doctor's report on Noah two days ago, it seems that another few hours without treatment and he would have started to suffer brain damage. I guess you were right, Kes was the only real option."

Slowly he looked back round at her, "do you want to talk about this?"

"Eventually," she nodded, "but not in the middle of a hospital corridor."

"Okay," he said simply, then nodded in the direction he had been headed, "I think we're supposed to go this way."

Soon she found herself walking beside him, as he navigated them towards B'Elanna's room. The engineer had gone into labour at some point in the middle of the night, and the first time either of them had heard about it, was the next morning when Tom had called each of them individually to tell them that B'Elanna had given birth to their daughter Miral. It was now much later into the day, and whilst most of the crew were waiting for the next few days to visit, close friends and family of the newly made parents were all quick to arrive at the hospital to give gifts and congratulate both Tom and B'Elanna.

When Chakotay and Kathryn arrived at the room, their arrival together was not lost on B'Elanna, but Tom seemed unaware as his attention was focussed completely on the tiny baby in his arms. They had stayed a short while, to give presents and to each hold Miral, but Kathryn was the first to give her excuse to leave, and a short while later, Chakotay too informed them that he still had some reports to finish, and preparations to make before his next debriefing. He had placed a kiss against B'Elanna's cheek, and shaken hands with her husband, before exiting the room, leaving the engineer to wander if maybe he and Kathryn were taking the first steps to reconciliation.

/\

_Earth, day seventeen._

Chakotay almost thought himself face to face with Kathryn Janeway until he noticed the dark brown curly hair, but the deep blue eyes, angled jaw and widow's peak were all the same. "I'm guessing you're the first officer," she looked him up and down, "your taller than you appear on the news vids."

He folded his arms, and a secretive smile took over his face, "you must be Phoebe," he stated, the many stories that Kathryn had told him of her sister over the years now flooding his mind.

She raised an eyebrow, "anything in particular you want?"

He ignored her hostile tone, "I was hoping to speak with Kathryn, is she in?"

Phoebe shook her head, "it's her weekend off, she's instructed me not to allow any visitors."

"I think she would allow me," he insisted, trying to look past her blocking the doorway to determine whether or not his former captain was close by.

The younger woman sighed, "she mentioned that you might come by, she told me specifically and categorically not to allow you entry."

He frowned, and looked down at her, "I'm guessing that she's been telling you wonderful things about me."

"She's barely mentioned you," the sister was quick to correct him, "which usually means something about a person. Are you even meant to be here?" she remembered being told that the former maquis were still not allowed to leave the city.

"I got special permission to come down to Indiana," he informed her.

"Oh really?" she seemed unconvinced, "do you mind telling me how you managed to get that?"

He sighed, not having considered for a moment that he might have trouble getting past the front door of Kathryn's family home, and not sure that he really wanted to spend much more time being interrogated by her younger sister. "Apparently they were able to make an exception for me because I'm Kathryn's husband," he explained.

Phoebe's jaw dropped, "her husband?"

"I guess that makes me your brother-in-law," he confirmed with a raised eyebrow.

"Kathryn never mentioned that part," she said, stepping to one side of the door to allow him access.

"Whereabouts can I find her?" he looked around the unfamiliar old house, although it was something close to what he had imagined from Kathryn's stories about the place, she had never gone into great details about he layout.

Stunned at the news her sister had married in the delta quadrant, she was only just about capable of directing the man to where her sister was, "she's shut herself away in her room," Phoebe explained, "up the stairs third door on the right."

Chakotay nodded a thank you, before heading for the stairs at the other end of the entrance hall and ascending them, hearing the front door being closed as he reached the top of the landing.

He wasn't too sure what he had been expecting, but when he had been told that she was in her room, for some reason he assumed that she would be lying in her bed, in the dark, possibly asleep. Instead, he walked in to find her bed neatly made and empty. He glanced around the room, but she was nowhere to be seen. About to turn around and inform her sister that Kathryn wasn't there, the distinct smell coffee caught his attention and he froze where he was standing as he attempted to ascertain where the smell was coming from. He noticed the curtains at the other end of the room moving in the breeze, and as they lifted a small way to reveal wooden planking he realised that she had a balcony, and so closing the door behind him, he made his way over to where he now suspected she would be.

The balcony was small, but there was enough room for a couple of chairs. The view was beautiful and breathtaking, looking out at the many fields that surrounded the old farm house, and a large wood a couple of miles in the distance filling the horizon. She glanced around at him when he entered, but seemed unsurprised, "I knew she'd let you in," was all she said, before returning her gaze to the view in front of them.

He stepped out properly onto the decking and took a seat beside her, "apparently you hadn't mentioned to her that we're married."

She raised an eyebrow, "we haven't been married for about three years Chakotay."

"I know," that fact had far from escaped him.

She let out a short grumble, "now you've left me with the mess of explaining it all to her."

He smiled softly, "well I hope your explanation goes better than mine to my sister; Sekaya's still trying to understand our relationship."

Chuckling lightly at his words she shot him a wistful smile, "I'm still trying to understand that myself, so good luck to everyone else."

He nodded, but didn't say anything further, preferring instead to slip into a comfortable silence, to allow her time to decide whether or not she wanted for him to leave. When after a few minutes she still hadn't said anything to indicate that she would rather be left alone, he decided that he should probably make the first attempt at engaging her in conversation. "So what are doing out here?"

"Thinking," she replied.

"About anything in particular?" he asked.

She turned around to meet his gaze, shooting him a soft smile, "about Noah."

"Oh," he said simply, feeling himself stupid for not having guessed that may have been the reason that she had secluded herself out on the balcony. "I've been doing a lot of that too recently."

She shrugged, "do you think he's okay on Ocampa?"

"He's with Kes, she'll take good care of him," he said reassuringly, "but knowing that doesn't stop me from missing him any less."

Taking her mug of coffee to her lips she nodded, "it sounds stupid, but when I heard you come into my bedroom, I half expected for Noah to be with you."

He gave her an emphatic smile, "that's not stupid, I keep setting an extra place for dinner, and I don't even realise that I've done it until I find myself about to call for him to eat."

She paused for a moment, and he could see that she was struggling to find the right words for what she wanted to say. "Do you think he'll ever come back to us?"

"I have to," he replied so quietly that she had to turn her head to check that he was still out on the balcony with her. She wasn't sure how best to respond, wanting desperately to comfort him, but not knowing how she could. A long moment passed, a moment that stretched out for almost an eternity, and then finally he looked up to meet her gaze, "do you hate me for what I did?"

Kathryn frowned, "no," she was quick to reassure him, placing her mug on the flat of the balcony railing and instinctively moving forwards to cover his hand with her own, "of course I don't hate you. You did the right thing by letting Noah go with Kes, and I'm sorry that I didn't realise that at first."

He looked down at their entwined hands on his lap. "Do you remember less than a year ago when Voyager was fragmented into different time zones?"

She frowned, "just about."

"I met our son in his early twenties," he explained, "never once did he mention anything about how he had been given the treatment to prevent his genetic alterations, and at the time I just assumed that maybe that was because he had never received any. Now all I can think about is that maybe he didn't mention anything because he assumed that I had already given my consent for his treatment."

Kathryn paused, she remembered him telling her about the event, but he had gone into very little detail about it, and so she hadn't really thought much about it since. "Either that or exactly the same thing happened as is happening now, and he worried that saying anything would change the time line considerably."

"A hint would have been helpful though," he sighed, "at least then I wouldn't have this constant worry that I'll never see him again."

"Sometimes it's best not to know what's coming," she pointed out, "otherwise we'd simply make choices of what we thought was the right thing to do, not what we know is the right thing to do."

"I guess," he shrugged.

"And surely if the treatment was necessary Noah would have said something then, instead of taking the risk that you wouldn't make the same decision."

Chakotay looked up, wanting to believe her words more than anything. "I guess if we assume that, we should be expecting him back with us sometime between now and the next fifteen years."

"Come on," she said, deciding to ignore his pessimistic tone as she removed her hand from his and stood from her chair, "it's getting cold out here, we can talk more inside."

He hesitated, but noticing the Goosebumps that were starting to appear on his arms he stood also and followed her through the glass door and into her bedroom. As he closed the door behind himself, he noticed her take a seat on the end of her bed, and seeing an arm chair in the corner, he decided to sit himself down there.

"What was he like?" she asked once he had settled himself across from her.

He frowned at the sudden change in the direction of conversation, "who? Noah?"

"No, the Tuvok in the future," she rolled her eyes, "of course Noah!"

He laughed as she lightened the mood, "a lot like you I guess," he said at last, "he had your confidence, and he'd kept your nose, your smile…"

"Did he mention me?" she interrupted.

About to tell her that a past version of herself had been with him he stopped himself before the words had made their way up to his lips, as saying them would raise further questions about what had happened. "Why?" he asked instead.

"I want to know if he resented me at all for not being there as much as I should have been," she explained herself.

"Kathryn, Noah has always understood that as ship's captain you had to make Voyager your top priority," he insisted, "although I may not have always seemed to understand that myself, I never for a moment allowed Noah to think anything bad of you for it."

She glanced away, "I always thought that when we got back to Earth I would be able to become the mother I always wanted to be to him. Now it seems that I'm not going to have that chance."

Standing from his chair he crossed the room over to her, sitting himself on the mattress beside her, and placing an arm around her back, "of course you will," he reassured her, "Noah will come back to us, maybe not in the next few days, but maybe in a few months, or years, and you can give him back all of the time you weren't able to give whilst we were in the delta quadrant."

She smiled sadly, and for a long moment they were both overcome by a natural silence, "was the destination really worth the journey?"

He raised an eyebrow, "I think about all of our crew would tell you that it was."

"And you?"

His lips curved up into a soft and genuine smile as he nodded, "every sacrifice I made was worth it just to fall in love with you."

Kathryn met Chakotay's gaze, and for the first time in a long while she saw the old look he used to hold for her in his eyes, a look that held so much love and devotion she was almost overwhelmed by it, and that told her that he would follow her to the ends of the universe. So lost in his gaze she almost didn't notice herself closing the small gap that remained between them as she brought her lips up to brush against his.

For a moment he didn't respond, and she started to worry that she may have done something wrong, that maybe he had been mistaken in what she had seen and felt. But then he returned the kiss, tenderly exploring her mouth with his tongue, one hand coming round to her lower back, the other being placed gently on her thigh. At some point the kiss deepened, and by the time she had come to her senses, she was already lying across the bed, with his weight delicately above, her body responding to every touch even before she felt it, her back arching as he ran his hands up her stomach towards her breasts.

They hadn't just made love that afternoon, they had confirmed it, and then reconfirmed it, never talking with words, but communicating with their lips and tongues, hands and fingers. At some point the light had fallen from the sky outside, and they had moved themselves beneath the covers of her bed. Kathryn had snuggled into his side, soon falling fast asleep, but he had remained awake for a long while after as he cherished the feeling of having her so close to him. Eventually he too found his eyes growing heavy, and placing a kiss against her forehead he too close his eyes and fell asleep.

_To be continued._


	21. Doubts and fears

_Disclaimer: I have borrowed Voyager and its characters from Paramount, if anyone was in any doubt. _

Author's note:

Just to clear up on a point raised about the previous chapter. I did think for a while whether or not Phoebe would know about Janeway's marriage, but I reasoned that Starfleet wouldn't release such personal information to civilians, and seeing as Janeway and Chakotay would have been separated for a long time before Voyager makes contact with Earth, then there was no reason for Janeway to tell her family about a failed marriage to her first officer, and thus the surprised reaction at the front door of the Janeway family home.

Chapter 21: Doubts and Fears

_Earth, day eighteen_

It was the light that crept through a gap in the curtains and fell directly onto his face that broke him from his sleep the next morning, but it was a hissing sound that caused him to wake properly. Opening his eyes he glanced around the room, and as soon as he remembered where he was the memories of the previous night came flooding back to him and he smiled to himself. Instinctively he reached out with his arm to the space on the bed beside him, but he was quick to realise that there was no one there.

There was a short moment in which he started to panic, worrying that Kathryn had left him at some point in the night, maybe regretting what had happened, but when he turned in the direction of where she should have been, he saw her sitting on the edge of the bed with her back to him, just out of reach from his outstretched arm. For a while he wandered what she was doing, and then he saw her place a hypospray in the draw of her bedside cabinet and lift a glass to her lips, he was almost certain that she was swallowing a handful of pills, his assumption was confirmed when he witnessed her place a couple of jars into the draw before closing it shut.

"So you're still self medicating," he commented, her head spinning round quickly at the sound of his voice.

"I thought you were asleep," she stated.

"I wish I still was," his face was expressionless and almost unreadable.

"Don't say it," she looked away from him, lifting the glass of water she had previously been drinking as she stood from the edge of the bed.

"Say what?" he called after her, as her naked form disappeared through the door of the bathroom. "I turned a blind eye to it aboard Voyager, I can do the same now if you want."

She re-emerged from the bathroom wrapping a silk dressing gown around herself, standing in the doorway to shoot him a harsh glare, "I'm still under a lot of pressure."

He lay on his back and looked up at the ceiling, raising his hands in defence, "I'm not here to judge," he stated.

"Why are you still here?" she asked cruelly.

Chakotay glanced across at her, "do you want me to leave?"

She looked about ready to tell him exactly where she thought he should go, but she stopped herself before the words made their way to her lips, and shaking her head, she instead made her way over towards her chest of draws. "I'm tired of this Chakotay."

"Tired of what?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Of fighting with you," she pulled out one of her draws and started to rifle through it, "we always have the same arguments, about the same things, and I'm sick of it."

He lifted himself up onto his elbows so that he could see her better as she slammed the draw shut and chucked a pair of panties on top of the bed covers. "I'm sorry for caring," he shot back sarcastically.

She glanced up at him, "you act as if we're still married."

"We still are," he reminded her.

"No we're not," she said exasperatedly as she opened up her wardrobe, "we've both moved on… you're with Seven, and the only reason that we haven't yet divorced is because we've been clinging on to the hope that one day we will be able to work things through for far too long."

"So what's this?" he asked, sitting up properly.

"This?" she chucked a load of clothes onto the bed, "this was just comfort sex, we were both upset about Noah…"

"Don't give me that crap," he interrupted her, throwing off his covers and climbing out of the bed, "last night happened because there's still something between us."

"Yes, because one of us can't let go," she muttered.

He didn't miss a word and turned to give her a nasty glare, "talking of dwelling in the past Kathryn, doubting decisions, slipping into depressions…" he purposefully trailed off.

"And back to our usual argument," she seemed satisfied that her previous observation had been correct.

"If you want to argue about something else, I've got plenty more topics to delve into," he informed her as he crossed the room.

"Where the hell are you going?" she asked.

"The bathroom," he stood in the door frame, "to take a shower."

"You can wait until after me."

He forced a smile, "you're welcome to join me," his smile quickly dropped and he disappeared inside. She waited a moment before taking any action, then when she heard running water she bolted after him.

Standing by the shower, he tested the spray of water to check that it was at the right temperature before glancing across at her. "Do you want to talk about this sensibly or do you want to continue to fight over the shower?"

"Talk about what?" she folded her arms.

"About what happened last night."

"I've already told you what last night was about," she said defiantly.

"So it meant nothing to you? I mean nothing to you?" he pressed.

"Yes," she agreed.

"So say it?" he took a step away from the shower and over to her.

Kathryn rolled her eyes, "say what?"

In a single step the gap between them disappeared as he lured above her, "tell me that you don't love me."

She tried to push past him, "this is stupid."

He wouldn't be moved to one side, and in one swift and single movement he had lifted her from the ground and she found herself being pushed up against the tiled wall, with his body pinning her against it. Before she could appropriately respond and even attempt to force him away from her he had lowered his lips to hers. She expected the kiss to be as harsh as the way in which he had grabbed her, but his gentleness shocked her into submission and she allowed for him to continue. Finally he pulled back, just enough for her to meet his gaze, "tell me that you don't love me and I'll stop," his voice was seductively low.

Kathryn found herself unable to speak or even move, as her eyes met with his and beneath his obvious fury towards her for her refusal to accept what they both knew was the truth she saw a vulnerability that she very rarely saw of him. A fear that she might just say the words that he was daring and coaxing her to say, that she would push him away for what would be the last time as he would be forced to acknowledge the truth that she may never take him back into her life.

"Say it," he insisted, his breathing heavy, and his grip on her starting to loosen.

"Don't stop," she said at last.

Again his lips were pressed against hers, this time she felt the passion that he had previously been restraining, she knew his intentions before he probably knew them himself and as like the night before, she found herself not caring about any of their problems or issues as she lost herself completely in him. Suddenly and unexpectedly his arms around her dropped, and he took a step back from her, she was uncertain as to why. "I can't do this," he said, taking a hand and running it through his hair, "this is too hard, loving someone shouldn't be this difficult." He looked up to meet her gaze, and she saw a desperation and sadness in his eyes that she couldn't explain. "I can't make love to you if afterwards all you're going to do is pretend that it never happened."

"Neither can I," she said simply, finding that she was now using the wall behind her for support.

He looked across to meet her gaze, "tell me what you want from me and I'll accept that. If you never want to see me again then I'll leave, if you want us to become friends, I can live with that. But if you want more from me, you have to be sure, because I don't think I can take losing you again."

"I'm not sure what I want," she told him honestly, "but I do know that I want you in my life, and right now that's all I can say with absolute certainty."

Chakotay nodded, "I guess that will have to be enough." She watched as he walked passed her and out into her bedroom, "I'll leave you to your shower now."

For a few long moments she remained standing in the same spot as she considered everything that had just happened. But finally she remembered herself, and closing the door to the bathroom she walked into the shower, imagining her problems simply washing away from her as the water fell over her body.

/\

_Five days later. Earth, day twenty three. _

Most of the crew had been offered apartments within San Francisco by Starfleet, but only about half of the offers had been accepted. Some people had preferred to find their own places to live, not wanting to live within one of the Starfleet compounds, and other people had decided to stay with families or friends until they decided themselves where they wanted to live, and what they wanted to do now that they were back in the alpha quadrant.

The restrictions over where the Voyager crew could go had been loosened as they were all allowed to move freely about the planet so long as they didn't attempt to leave, and the maquis informed Starfleet of their whereabouts every twenty four hours. The maquis and equinox part of Voyager were still in limbo, as although Starfleet hadn't arrested or charged any of them, they had not been released from any potential charges that may be hanging over their heads. Kathryn wasn't too worried about the maquis, as the other former maquis terrorists had already been offered an amnesty by the federation, and admiral Paris had quite confidently told her that the amnesty was to be extended to her crew. The equinox however did worry her, as the crimes they had committed were much more difficult to justify, especially as her own crew in a very similar situation had not resorted to murder to speed up their return to Earth.

Kathryn and Chakotay stood politely as the admirals who had been questioning them walked out of the briefing room in single file. They didn't look round at each other until the last admiral had left and the doors had closed automatically behind their departure. "Are you free for lunch?" he asked, noticing the time out of the corner or his eye.

"Only if there's coffee," her lip quirked up.

He chuckled, "two hours without coffee Kathryn, how did you do it?"

She rolled her eyes, "two and a half," she corrected him, as she closed the small gap between them and placed an arm around the back of his neck, "and I could go longer, except now that we're back on Earth with unlimited replicater power, and a coffee bar on every corner, I don't see why I should have to."

Placing a hand on either side of her hips he simply smiled, "well I guess I'll leave it to you to decide where we go." He leaned down to place a gentle kiss against her lips, "but I think you should know, I have a new coffee machine back at my apartment," he said suggestively.

Kathryn placed her palm against his chest, preventing any further advances he intended to make, "have you talked to Seven yet?"

"Yes," he said simply.

"And...?"

"I explained to her that now we're back on Earth I wanted the opportunity to give my marriage to you another go, and told her accordingly that I was ending my relationship with her."

"You told her about us?" she looked alarmed and suddenly worried.

Chakotay paused, "not anything that we've done so far," he shook his head, "but I indicated that we may have broached the topic during a conversation."

"How did she take it?"

"Quite well," he shrugged, "we haven't really spoken in the three weeks that we've been back, and I think she expected me to break up with her eventually anyway."

"I hope she's okay," she said worriedly.

"I think she will be," Chakotay attempted to reassure her, "there was nothing serious going on between myself and Seven, it's not like we formed any attachments."

"I know," she sighed, "but maybe I should check up on her later just in case."

Not sure he was completely comfortable with the idea of his wife consoling his ex-girlfriend about a break-up that she had been a factor in causing he felt there was no way of talking her out of it. "Maybe you should leave it a few days," he suggested.

She nodded, but didn't say anything further as she slipped into the privacy of her own thoughts.

"So about lunch?" he directed their conversation back to its earlier direction, "we could try the coffee bar at the end of the parade, I don't think I've been there yet."

"I went there yesterday," she pulled a face, "I'm not going there again."

He laughed dropping his arms from around her as she stepped out of them, "Kathryn, after seven years of drinking nothing but replicated coffee, you've very quickly become quite a critic of every one else's."

Grinning broadly she glanced across at him as she made her way across to the door of the briefing room, "scared of what I'll say about yours?"

"No," he replied quickly and confidently.

Her smile widened, "then I guess you won't mind if we go back to your apartment to try out this new coffee machine then?"

He folded his arms as they walked, "of course not."

Although the morning after their night together less than a week previously had not gone as either of them had expected, after their initial disagreement they were able to be civil towards one another as Kathryn had taken him down for breakfast to meet her sister and mother. Phoebe had been no more friendly and welcoming to him than she had been the previous afternoon, but Gretchen had been warm and inviting, kindly cooking him breakfast and stuffing him with food, talking to him animatedly as if she had known him for many years. Eventually though, he had made his excuse to leave, and Kathryn had walked him to the front door.

He had thought Kathryn would probably spend a short time dwelling over what had happened, before deciding to ignore the incident altogether, but she had surprised him by visiting him at his apartment the following evening. She had told him she had come to a decision, that she wasn't ready to give up on their marriage and wanted to again try to make a relationship with him work. He had stood at the door flabbergasted for many long moments before he finally found himself asking if she was sure. She had never really answered, preferring instead to close the gap between them and kiss him deeply, finding ways of expressing her love for him that night that were only put into words in the early hours of the morning, as they had lain spent and breathless entwined in his bed sheets. Since that night, they had been inseparable.

/\

_Eight days later. Earth, day thirty one._

Chakotay stood by the entrance to the bathroom for a short while watching with amusement as Kathryn battled with her hair. She turned to shoot him a glare when she sensed him laughing silently behind her, so dropping his arm from the door frame he came up behind her, so that they could see each other through the mirror. "I remember when you used to have your hair long," he smiled as he lowered his lips to the top of her head, taking in the smell of her shampoo.

"Did you prefer it that way?" she asked, putting down the pins on the shelf below the mirror.

"I don't know," he frowned as he raised both of his hands to the top of her head, sliding his fingers between the strands from her forehead and moving them back. "I think I prefer which ever style causes you the least amount of worry."

She laughed lightly, "that's rather neutral of you."

He let out a grunt, pulling her hair back and gathering it his hands as he leant down to place a kiss against the top of her shoulder, moving up to her neck and then tugging gently on her earlobe with his teeth. "You're so beautiful," he stated, straightening himself up, releasing her hair from his grasp and meeting her gaze in the mirror, "and I am so in love with you."

As he circled his arms around her middle she reached her hand back to place her palm against the side of his cheek, "and I love you."

Again he leant forwards, this time to place a kiss against her temple, when he looked back into the mirror he noticed a sadness in her expression that hadn't been there moments before. He shot her a questioning look, "Noah should be with us for this," she said, her voice filled with suppressed emotion.

Briefly he closed his eyes, "I know," he said in little more than a whisper.

"I miss him," she stated simply.

"Me too," Chakotay found he was incapable of elaborating, of giving his thoughts and feelings words, but he knew there was no need as she felt just the same. They slipped into a short silence, one that was charged with emotions and regrets and much pain. "Do you ever think about the daughter we almost had?" he asked at last.

"Sometimes," she replied.

"Do you think things would have been different between us if she had have been born?"

Kathryn frowned and looked in the mirror to study his face, wondering what had caused him to bring up that particular part of their past. "Probably?"

"Better?"

She sighed and shrugged, "I doubt it."

"Maybe she knew we weren't ready for her," his voice had dropped to a whisper.

She shook her head, and covered his hands around her middle with her own, "Chakotay…"

"I walked away," he ignored her soft warning to stop the conversation, "I never saw my own little girl."

"This was a long time ago," she reminded him.

"What did she look like?" he asked.

Kathryn closed her eyes for a moment, trying as hard as she could to block the memories that he was provoking to the surface, it was to no avail, and for an instant she was back in sickbay watching his back as he walked quickly away from her. "She looked like you," she said at last, her eyes finally opening, "the doctor placed her in my arms and I remember I cried because she was everything I love about you. She was perfect, with ten fingers and ten toes, and so small… I held her until her body grew cold and then the doctor took her out of my arms."

"I'm sorry I left," he said genuinely, and she was sure she saw a tear forming in the corner of his eye.

"We shouldn't dwell on this," she told him.

"I know," he let out a sigh.

She ran a hand soothingly up his arm, "we'll talk about this more some other time, when we're not in any rush to be anywhere."

He looked relieved that she was willing to discuss it with him, as he knew neither of them had reached closure on the miscarriage, and it was something that was best if they dealt with together. Finally he shot her a small smile, "I'd like that."

She returned the smile, "okay."

"Are you almost ready to go?" he quickly changed the topic to the present.

"Don't even think of rushing me Chakotay," she warned him, her expression turning to that of vague annoyance, "I'm having enough problems with my hair as it is."

Giving his best efforts to not to laugh at her dilemma he released his hold on her, and moved to sit on the edge of the bath tub. "Sorry," he said, watching as she again lifted the pins and her hair and attempted to put it into the style she wanted.

"So have you decided what you're going to do?" she asked as she worked.

Earlier that morning Starfleet had made the official announcement that the amnesty already offered to the former maquis was also to be extended to those aboard Voyager, their field ranks had also been confirmed and they had all been invited to remain in Starfleet. Chakotay wasn't sure whether of not he was going to accept the offer, but he had been given six months to decide what he wanted to do so he was in no rush to make any decisions. "I not sure to be honest," he replied, "I'm taking the extended leave, and keeping my options open."

She nodded seemingly satisfied with his answer and she started to pin her hair up. "Is your sister coming down to see you this week?"

"Actually I wanted to talk to you about that," he said, not having forgotten, just having not had the opportunity to discuss it with her.

"Oh?" she glanced around at him.

Chakotay looked almost reluctant to continue, but he did so anyway with little more than a short pause, "I'm going to visit Sekaya on Dorvan. She did offer to come to Earth, but I wanted to visit my old home world for a while."

"Okay," she looked in the mirror, having successfully pulled her shortened hair into a French twist and now tucking in any loose strands that she had missed, "when are you planning on leaving?"

"Tomorrow," he replied.

She turned around to give him a surprised look, "so soon?"

He nodded, "I'll be gone for a couple of months."

"A couple of months?" she repeated, "I won't be able to take that amount of time off on such short notice."

"I'm not asking you to," he glanced down at the floor, "I thought maybe some time apart would be good for us, so that we can decide if this relationship is really what we want."

"You have doubts?" she asked.

"Yes," he said honestly, "as I'm sure you do. But I don't want to commit myself fully to this relationship without knowing one hundred percent that this is what I want, and I don't want you to do that either."

"This is what I want," she insisted.

"I know you say that now," he sighed, "but I don't want you turning around to me in one year, or two years, or ten years and telling me that you regret having rushed so quickly back into a relationship with me."

"Those are your fears Chakotay, not mine," she stated.

He sighed, "Kathryn, we made a lot of mistakes last time we did this, I don't want to repeat any of that."

"Mistakes?" she glared across at him, "you mean when you cheated on me?"

"This is what I'm talking about," suddenly he stood up, "we're still blaming each other for issues that we haven't had the time to properly resolve. This is why I think we need some time apart, so that we can deal with and process everything that's happened in the past seven years, things that we've had to sweep under the rug and ignore in order for us to function as a command team."

"And this time apart…" she raised an eyebrow, "are we going to see other people? Maybe you should sleep with a few women to get it out of your system before we commit fully to each other."

"That's not what I'm suggesting," he folded his arms, "but talking of things we need to get out of our systems, have you spoken to the doctor about coming off your drugs?"

"You make it sound so sinister," she rolled her eyes and walked out of the bathroom and into her bedroom.

"I ignored your problem aboard Voyager," he followed her into the sleeping space of her house, "but don't expect me to do the same now we're back on Earth."

"Is this a condition of our marriage?" she asked, heading over to her wardrobe.

"No, this is about you learning to take care of yourself," he insisted, "when I come back, regardless of what decision you make about our relationship, I am going to do something about this."

"I'll be counting the days," she replied sarcastically, slipping her feet into a pair of high heels she had produced from her wardrobe.

Realising he had allowed what had so far been a pleasant evening turn into a repeat of their usual arguments he sat down on the edge of her bed feeling more than a little deflated. She seemed just as reluctant as he was to continue the argument, and so when he made no further comment, she felt no compulsion to say anything further either.

Chakotay watched as she continued getting herself ready. They were preparing to go up to San Francisco for a welcome home ball that Starfleet had prepared for the Voyager crew, the pathfinder project, various admirals and diplomats, and the partners of all those invited. He himself was dressed in a tuxedo, that irritated him about the collar, and Kathryn was wearing a deep blue silk dress that clung in all the right places, and showed just the right amount of cleavage. With her hair done up, earrings catching the light and her make up perfect she looked positively breathtaking, and if they weren't already running late and consumed by a chilling silence, he was sure that his hands and mouth would be all over her, distracting them both from getting ready for the ball.

After a short while Kathryn was finally ready to go and meet the private transport that was waiting for them both outside. "If you really don't want me to leave, I'll stay," he said as he saw she was about to exit the bedroom.

She turned round to see him still sitting on the edge of her bed, "and what about your sister?"

He shrugged, "she did offer to come here, I suppose she would do that."

Kathryn paused for a long moment before replying, "I don't want to trap you Chakotay. If you think that we need some time apart, then that's what we'll do."

She sounded sincere, but he had to ask, "are you sure?"

Shaking her head she shrugged, "I don't think it can do any harm."

He nodded, "I can come back earlier if you need me."

She shot him a brief smile, "we should leave now before we go beyond the point of being fashionably late."

Knowing she was right he stood from the mattress and followed behind her as she made her way downstairs and then to the front door. By the time they had reached the large hall, although neither of them had forgotten their disagreement they had both mutually agreed not to discuss it any further, and to simply enjoy the ball as they went around together to speak to every member of their former crew, taking it in turns to find excuses to cut short discussions with admirals and diplomats.

When Chakotay had left for the transport station the next morning, she had kissed him goodbye and had pretended to be okay with him leaving. But however good an actress she was, he could still tell that she wasn't pleased with his decision to leave Earth so soon after they had decided to again attempt a relationship. He had tried to explain to her then that it was the right thing for them both to do, that with the time and space for them both to clear their heads and to decide where they wanted to go next with their lives it would make them stronger. She had simply smiled and nodded, but at no point had she agreed with him.

Feeling that such a response was as good as he was going to get out of her, he left her house to catch the cargo ship that was heading for his home world. Chakotay knew that Kathryn was simply worrying that if he left her, then he may not return, especially now that he had the whole of the alpha quadrant to disappear in, but he was more than confident that when he eventually returned to Earth, he would decide to settle down there, and do what ever it took to make his relationship with her work.

_Almost The End._


	22. Epilogue

_Disclaimer: Voyager and Enterprise belong to Paramount Viacom, as do most of the characters featured throughout this story. _

Thanks to everyone who has been reading this story, your feedback has meant a lot to me, and has kept me writing through writers block; without your reviews I probably would have given up after about the ninth chapter, so thanks again. I don't think I intended to write so much, but after I had followed the story through to about the fourth season, I figured I might as well take it up to the final season.

I don't think there's much left to say, other than to hope that you enjoy this final part of my story.

Epilogue

Sat hunched over with his chin in his hands and his elbows on his knees Chakotay gazed tiredly across at his daughter as she slept. Her chest lifted slowly and then fell as she breathed softly in and then out, her eyelids occasionally flickered and her eyebrows furrowed every so often as she drifted from dream to dream. He remembered when she had been born, the intensive and painful labour forgotten the moment that she had been placed into his arms, the months he had spent worrying about her arrival evaporating as she had looked up at him for the first time, and his concerns about what kind of father he would be to her were quelled as she settled into his arms and soon fell asleep, as if she had decided to explore the world she had born into another time.

India. Some people said that was where she had been conceived, but it wasn't, India was where he had spent a drunken weekend with his wife. They had watched the sunrise as they recovered from their alcohol consumption, sitting out on the roof of the hotel waiting for the light to appear over the horizon. His wife had rested her head against his shoulder and muttered something about how he needed to shave off the moustache he was growing because it looked ridiculous. For some reason at that moment he had realised that he wanted to spend the rest of his life listening to her casual comments and criticisms about how he should live and dress and shave, his bad habits, his annoying habits, the way that he nagged on at her… So he had suggested they call their daughter India, and although she didn't know the significance for him, she had agreed that it would be a lovely name.

People said that his daughter looked like him, but when he looked at her he only saw her mother; a wicked sense of humour hiding at the back of her dark brown eyes, her smile lighting up the entire room and her laugh melting his heart. She confidently crawled about the house, exploring anything new and exciting, her curious mind almost getting her into trouble on several occasions. She was finding her feet, and it made him realise that one day she would be grown up and would no longer be needing him as she would walk off and find a life of her own, he only hoped that as she entered the rest of the world with her mother's confidence, charisma and beauty, she wouldn't totally forget about him.

The fourteen month old girl shifted her head to the other side of the buggy in which she sat, the small movement enough to break Chakotay from his thoughts, and for a moment he worried that she may wake from her slumber. However she quickly settled back down, and drifted back off into whatever dream filled state she had been in previously.

It was every so often that he found himself sitting and simply watching her as she slept; he remembered a couple of occasions when she had been poorly with alien flu viruses, and he had sat by her cot throughout the night, to make sure that she didn't get any worse. There were times when one of them couldn't sleep, and so they would keep each other company until either she had drifted off into her slumber, or he would hear his bed calling him to rest. Then there were times such as this, when his mind was filled with so many trains of thought that he found he needed her to centre him. So he sat quietly in front of her in an almost meditative state, thinking about her, his family, friends, and how he had come to different points in his life.

Chakotay had been reluctant to again father a child, it was one of the few things that he and his wife had truly disagreed about, as she had wanted a family with him, and he took the position that Noah was as much a family as he ever wanted to have. So they had argued about it for a long while, and they had stopped speaking to each other altogether on many occasions, and eventually he had given in out of fear of losing her. It hadn't been the wisest decision he had made, as several months later when she had come home with the wonderful news that she was pregnant, he had merely shrugged his shoulders and told her not to expect him to be in any way as thrilled as she.

So she had gone to the prenatal examinations without him, read the books, picked out the names, decorated the nursery, and brought home all of the baby things without asking for his input at any point, seemingly happy to do it by herself without involving him, and for a long while he had been grateful for the exclusion. Then he had noticed Vaughn, lieutenant William Vaughn, six foot four, mid thirties, muscular, handsome and unmarried.

At first his wife spending time off duty with her personal aid hadn't really bothered him, as he knew she liked to get to know the people who she was working with. But the occasional light lunch had turned into the frequent late night dinner. The quick word over the comm. turned into an intimate discussion. The business trips started to include days sight seeing together… by the time he had started to suspect what was going on, he figured their affair might have been going since before his daughter had been conceived.

He hadn't said anything at first, for two months he tried to convince himself that he was imagining it, he had no hard evidence that she was cheating on him, so he found he had no grounds to make an accusation. A month before the date she was due to deliver he had finally confronted her about it, asking her if the child she was carrying was his or Vaughn's. The moment the aghast expression had consumed her face he knew that he had been mistaken. That night they had shouted and argued more than they had at any other point in their relationship, he had blamed her for forcing him to father a child that he didn't want, and she reminded him that she wasn't asking him to take on any responsibilities, just to be there for her occasionally.

It was at the height of their argument when she had turned around and asked for him to decide then and there if he wanted to be with her and their child or if he wanted to leave, that he suddenly came to realise how selfish he had been over the six months he had known of her pregnancy. He had been punishing her for a mistake that he had made by agreeing to have a child before he was ready, and in doing so he found that he was losing the very thing he had wanted to avoid losing: Kathryn.

His hesitation had been too much for her, and so she had made the decision for him and walked out of the front door to their house. To this day he didn't know where she had gone that night, whether she had checked into a hotel, stayed over at a friend's, or taken comfort in Vaughn's arms. He still wasn't sure whether or not there had been an affair, she had never denied it, never admitted it, only insisted that he was the father of their child, and when he had held his daughter in his arms for the first time, he found that he didn't care what had happened before that point, as all that mattered was what happened in her future.

"What are you thinking about?" the words brought him back to the present, and he glanced across at the woman standing in front of him, a mug of coffee in either hand.

"Everything," he replied, looking back down at his sleeping daughter.

He felt her close the gap between them as she sat down on the chair beside him. "One day she'll be old enough to ask you to stop staring," she said in a low voice.

"Then I hope she never grows up," he whispered.

She chuckled lightly, "she looks as useless as you when she sleeps; you'd both sleep through a hurricane."

For the first time he noticed the noise in the busy transport station, and knew that she was right; it took a certain type of deep sleeper to sleep in such a disruptive place. Realising that she was offering him one of the mugs of coffee, he took it from her, shooting her a grateful smile.

Three months after Voyager had returned to the alpha quadrant he had come back from visiting his sister. Kathryn had been waiting for him at the transport station, her hair a little longer than he remembered from when he had left, her smile a little fuller and she had put on a healthy amount of weight. That night they had talked properly and openly for what felt like the first time, for once they found they could both be honest with each other as neither of them any longer held the fear of repercussions on the bridge. So in the weeks that followed they were able to work through all of the problems they had long ago buried, and their concerns for their future. It hadn't been easy, there had been a few moments when both of them had felt of giving up, but in the end it had been worth it.

After only a few months back together the two of them wasted little time in finding a house and moving in. Despite much encouragement from B'Elanna, jokes from Tom, and nudges from many of their other friends and family, they never retook their vows, but following a long discussion they did agree to again start wearing their wedding bands.

For many months it had been close to perfect. Then late one afternoon he had returned home to find her sitting on the floor of the kitchen in tears, pictures of their son spread out all around her. It was soon after then that she had suggested they should try for a baby. He wasn't sure if it was because she wanted a replacement for Noah, another chance at being a mother, or simply because she missed having a project to watch grow and nurture, either way he had point blank refused to give her the one thing that she had asked from him. India was now the living proof that Kathryn Janeway never lost an argument.

Chakotay felt finger tips running slowly through his hair, gently massaging his scalp in their path, "are you okay?" she asked.

He sighed, but nodded, "I'm just a little shaken up over the last few days."

She didn't reply, she didn't need to, he knew that she felt the same way as he did, shared the same fears, worries, and of course excitement, there was no need to put it into words. He felt her lips on his cheek, moving in a trail of small open kisses towards his mouth, he turned to meet his lips with hers, and for a short time they forgot about all of the people around them, where they were and why they were there and in that magical moment all that existed was the two of them. Then she pulled away and shot him a soft smile, "it's going to be okay," she tried to reassure him. He simply nodded, and with their faces level and so close he found the temptation to kiss her again unavoidable, and soon their lips were pressed gently against one another.

Finding out that Kathryn was pregnant had been a shock to him at first; although he knew that was what they were trying for, he had never really considered how he would feel and react once it had. For a long time he had ignored the fact that they were going to have another child, but eventually she had started to show, and he felt it increasingly more difficult to pretend that everything wasn't about to change. She had allowed for him to disassociate from what was happening, he reasoned that it was because she had gotten what she had wanted from him, he later learnt that it was because she had feared pushing him further away.

They had spoken a few days after their major row about Vaughn and the baby she was carrying, and she had explained to him that her aid had merely been offering the companionship that he was unwilling to provide. Chakotay had apologised for his behaviour and accusations and asked for her to return to their home, but she had refused, preferring instead to stay with her mother in Indiana, he felt unable to persuade her otherwise.

India had entered the world at eleven thirty three in the evening, and that had been the first night that he had watched her sleep, sitting on the edge of his wife's bed he had watched with fascination as she rested, oblivious to everything her mother had recently been through to bring her into the world. Every day for a month after that night he had gone to visit his daughter and Kathryn in Indiana, spending every hour with them that he could spare between his university studies and need for sleep.

She pulled back a little way from him and ran her hand tenderly across his cheek, "I love you," she told him, sounding like the first time she had ever said it.

Chakotay smiled, "you look tired," he pointed out.

At his observation she unwillingly yawned, "I guess you're right," she agreed, "once things have settled down we'll both be able to catch up on all of the sleep we've lost."

He glanced across at the fourteen month old sleeping soundly in front of them, "India certainly isn't having any trouble sleeping at the moment."

She leant her forearm on his shoulder and gazed in the same direction that he was looking, "that's because she doesn't have a care in the world."

For the first month after his daughter had been born, Chakotay found himself living between his home in San Francisco and Kathryn's family home in Indiana. He found he very rarely had a moment to himself as his time was consumed with his university studies of palaeontology, sitting in a transport, and visiting his wife and daughter. He had started to think that might be what his life with them would have to be, and then one evening during a visit, Kathryn had surprised him with the announcement that she wanted to move back into their house. He was almost certain that Kathryn and her mother had had a row, but he never questioned her motives, simply accepted that she was coming back to him, and left it at that.

Kathryn had been made an admiral shortly after Voyager had returned to the alpha quadrant. Her work was mainly centred around finding diplomatic solutions to problems involving the Romulan empire, which meant that very often she would be required to leave Earth for weeks at a time. When she had become pregnant, during her later months Starfleet had scaled back her workload and insisted that she remain planet side. The lack of work, and inability to travel around had almost driven her mad, so when her maternity leave had officially ended when their daughter was five months old, he had expected for her to return to her old routines of leaving home early, working late and spending weeks off planet as she was required to travel to where she was most needed.

However she surprised him by resigning her commission; telling him that she wanted to spend more time with their baby. He knew that she still felt guilty for having to compromise her role as a mother to Noah in order to command Voyager more efficiently, and that this was her way of ensuring that she didn't make anything like the same mistake a second time around, so he was more than happy to let her go ahead with it. He had been foolish though to think that she would be completely content with her role as a mother, as only weeks after resigning her commission she had started to volunteer for scientific projects that demanded her expertise. Kathryn found the volunteer work much more rewarding and much less demanding of her time than her duties had been as an admiral. She would work from home, and take India into the office with her when her presence there was required, only relying on other people to look after their daughter when she felt herself going mad with spending too much time with a baby.

It was three years since Voyager had returned to the alpha quadrant, and they both looked back at that time with a shared feeling of both joy and pain. They had reached their home after many years of being so far away from it, but at the same time they had lost their son. It wasn't a fair price to pay that either of them would have ever considered, but the choice had been made for them, and so they both dealt with it as best they could.

"How are you doing?" Chakotay asked, shooting his wife a concerned look.

Kathryn rolled her eyes, "I'm fine… exhausted, but fine."

He paused a moment as his mind drifted to outside of the moment, "do you think he'll remember us?" he asked.

"Of course," she replied.

"Do you think he'll accept India?"

He felt her hand come up gently and cup the side of his cheek, "Chakotay, stop worrying, any problems we have, we'll deal with when we're facing them."

Meeting her gaze he grinned softly, "when did we swap roles? I remember you used to be the one to worry about things that may never happen."

She let out an amused chuckle, "I think we've rubbed off on each other."

"I'm not sure if that's good or bad," he raised an eyebrow.

"It's good for me," she smiled.

He returned the smile for a moment, before allowing it to fall at which point his expression turned slightly more serious. "You know it's been ten years since we first met."

She hadn't forgotten, "back then I would never have imagined myself here, least of all with you."

"Do you know what I thought when I first saw you?" he asked, a glint in his eye that she couldn't quite explain.

She furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head, "I don't think you've ever said."

He grinned, "I thought: 'this woman's going to be trouble'."

Kathryn laughed, "am I that much hassle?"

"You're worth that much hassle," he replied indirectly, "of course I didn't know then that the trouble would take the form of commanding Voyager with you, marrying you, fathering your children, or worst of all: falling in love with you," he joked softly, "but I did know that our fates would be in some way entwined."

"I can't remember what I first thought of you…" she told him honestly.

"That I was dashingly handsome?" he attempted.

She rolled her eyes, "well, that goes without saying. But I really can't remember my first impression of you."

"It's nice to know that I made such a huge impact straight away in your life," he pretended to sulk.

She squeezed his shoulder, "but I can tell you when I realised I was in love with you," her words were enough to bring his attention back round to her. "On new earth when you made up that story about an angry warrior," she smiled fondly at the memory, "it was impossible not to fall in love with you after you'd gone to that much effort to explain your feelings."

He smiled, "I didn't think it was possible then, but each day I still find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you," he said quietly, for some reason his voice struggling as he said the words.

Kathryn looked about ready to make a reply, but at the computer's announcement of the Enterprise having arrived her head snapped up to glance across at the arrivals screen. Slowly she looked back round at him, "I guess that's us."

Four days previously they had received a late night communication from Starfleet saying that during a boarder survey that the Enterprise had been carrying out the galaxy class ship had picked up a distress signal from an unknown alien vessel. There had only been one passenger aboard the ship, who when they had arrived had been alert and conscious and given his name as Noah Janeway. The explanation for his presence in the alpha quadrant had been that he was no longer required on Ocampa, the reason for his distress signal, had been an uncertainty over the exact location of his parents. When both his story and identity had checked out Kathryn and Chakotay had been contacted, by which point Noah had already been back in the alpha quadrant for two days, and the Enterprise was well on its journey back to Earth.

Chakotay smiled as he stood slowly from his chair, and glancing across at the crowd that were already gathered by the gates where the Enterprise had docked, Chakotay realised his daughter's buggy would only slow them down. So carefully he went about removing the restraints that held her in her seat, and gently he lifted her into his arms, not wanting to wake her too suddenly.

They hadn't seen their son in three years since he was six, and at nine years they both expected for him to have changed in slightly different ways. They both of course thought he would be taller, smarter, and more mature, but whilst Kathryn expected for him to look more like his father, Chakotay imagined their son to look a little more like her. So when they saw him sitting on the edge of a bio bed in the Enterprise's sick bay, they both saw exactly what they wanted to see in him, and would forever disagree over who he was most like.

Kathryn was first to go to their son, and Chakotay stood back for a long moment as they embraced, wanting to give them the moment that they deserved. Finally they drew apart and Noah looked across at his father with an uncertain smile as he noticed the small girl in his arms. "This is your sister, India," Kathryn explained.

Noah looked back to his mother with a frown, "my sister?"

Chakotay simply chuckled, "a lot's changed," he reached out to hold his son with his free arm.

The boy returned his father's embrace, deciding to hold off the many questions he had until a later time. Kathryn and Chakotay too still had many questions about what had happened to their son in the time he had been on Ocampa, but they had discussed and agreed to allow their son to settle into their home before they started to question him about the three years he had spent away from them.

After wading through many legal documents, sitting through many medical reports and signing a few confidentiality clauses to say that they wouldn't release any information to the public about Noah that wasn't pre-agreed with Starfleet, their son was eventually released back to them.

When Kathryn and Chakotay had fist met across a view screen in the middle of the delta quadrant they had been enemies. Although they had similar beliefs and ideals, they were both fighting for them in different ways. It had taken them both a while to realise that they were in love with each other, and when that realisation had struck them both, there was no turning back from it. On Voyager they had been unable to share their love without conflicting on their duties to their ship and crew, and on returning to Earth, with the absence of their son, they had both continuously felt a void in their lives together. Now with their son returned, and a young daughter, their family was complete, and able to freely express their love for one another with the same intensity as they had discovered they were capable of on New Earth, there was now every reason for them to live happily ever after.

_The End_


End file.
